Hi guys! Absoltheharbinger here! ... Why do people say that? Only I know my password; who else could it be?

Okay, I'm rambling. I'll stop now.

This is Evangelion 2.50: You Will (Not) Survive, my shameless self-insert based on Rebuild of Evangelion 2.20: You Can (Not) Advance. I am in no way responsible for any disgust or side-effects that may arise as a result of reading this. I REGRET NOTHING.

Asuka tumbled through the sky, acrobatically dodging the volley of missile the Angel was firing at her. Her crimson-armoured mecha, the Synthetic Humanoid Evangelion Unit-02, copied her thoughts more than any kind of manual control, as though it was her own flesh and blood. The smell of LCL filled her nose like a heady musk. This was what she had trained for; kicking some Angel ass.

The Angel, by their standards, was strange; a criss-crossing wickerwork of black bones forming a single axle, supported by two spindly legs and with a heavy, bladed pendulum in the middle. At the top of the pendulum, a pair of beaked faces like the hands of a clock rotated jerkily as it tracked her. It looked more like a rampant, half-finished engineering project than a living creature. Asuka knew better than to underestimated it, though. She hadn't been chosen to join the prestigious NERV base in Tokyo-3 for no reason; she was an expert Eva pilot, even for her young age of 15.

The Eva seemed to crash into thin air several feet above the Angel. Scheiße! she thought. An AT field! The Angel tried to retaliate, fixing her with a baleful stare, as its two faces reached a twelve-o'-clock position. Asuka barely moved the Eva's arm out of the way in time as a spear of pink, incandescent plasma fired from the front face's eyes. Asuka, however, followed this up with a hefty stab with the Eva's equivalent to a dagger; a blade as long as a bus that glowed as her own AT field flowed over it. The point was small, but though it could break through the field easily, it couldn't damage it enough to dissipate the energy shield.

A blistering volley of ballistic fire seared from somewhere over by the hills; Asuka could hear bullets like small aircraft whizz past, bouncing off of the AT field and leaving glowing ripples where they made successful hits.

"What the …?" Asuka growled, trying to tear open the field herself, while at the same time trying not to get her head shot off.

A voice crackled over the internal comms, speaking in rough, imperfect German. "Keep at it, I've nearly got the shield down. You get the core."

"Don't tell me what to do!" she roared back in response, suspicious of the comms channel. Only the war room had access to communications with the Evas. But the mystery person was right; at that moment, the shield flickered and died, and Eva-02 crashed down heavily on top of the Angel. She found the Core, the heart of the Angel, at the base of its head, and instinctively drove her knife as deep as it would go into it.

The Core exploded in a shower of LCL, followed by the heads … and then nothing.

"I got the verdammtes Core!" she yelled in rage to no-one in particular. The person, however, clearly heard.

"Try the pendulum!" they offered. Asuka looked down at the swinging pendulum, conscious that she only had a minute of internal power left before her Eva shut down.

"Can't you get that?" she screamed at them sarcastically.

"Evangelion-02, I have a minigun. Do you really think I can hit that?"

Asuka swore again and jumped off the Angel's shoulders, grabbing the pendulum bob and impaling it. The Angel screamed in pain, but was not finished off.

"JUST … FUCKING … DIE!" she screamed , slamming the knife in over and over.

At that moment, the sight of the giant Angel collapsing into a pool of LCL was the most welcome sight in the world, as Asuka's visuals died out and the entry plug ejected. It looked like NERV had caught up with her.


Asuka slid down off of the mighty chest of her fallen, powerless Eva as they reached NERV headquarters. There were two boys there; both Japanese. One appeared to be a brash kind of guy with a black tracksuit jacket over his school uniform. The other was a smaller, almost effeminate boy with a faraway look on his face, as though he wasn't actually paying to what was happening.

Asuka wasn't going to stand for that. This was her big entrance; he had better notice her.

She was just about to had a go at him about it when she heard a thundering footfall behind her. She turned to look at the source of the noise; surely it couldn't be another Angel?

It wasn't an Angel, but she could almost believe it was. The shape that was stomping along the tracks leading into the Eva bays was so out of place in the metropolis of Tokyo-3 that it could have been.

It was huge, certainly at least 200 feet, and it was clad in plates of deep green armour, the colour of seaweed. It had long, animalistic legs, but human arms and head. It walked on all fours, so its narrow hips and power-coupling tail were considerably higher off the ground than its shoulders, and its neck was abnormally long to allow it to look forward. It had an array of three targeting lenses on the left hand side of its face, but a single almond-shaped eye on the right, decorated with Egyptian designs. That, added with the armoured cowl on the back of its head, gave the impression of a huge, armoured sphinx. What unsettled her most was the grinning mouth it had, filled with narrow teeth. It looked brutal.

It didn't help that painted on its hip joint was the NERV logo; half a fig leaf, along with the NERV name and slogan, 'God's in His Heaven, all's right with the world'.

The creature, whatever it was, suddenly stopped, level with Asuka and the two boys. It settled down on its haunches, like a cat laying down. Mechanisms in its neck whirred and stiffened, locking its head in place. There was a hiss, and a cavity at the middle of its back slid open, forcing out a long, slim cylinder of unpainted metal. A small door like a submarine hatch opened near the base, spilling deep crimson, pungent LCL all over the 'platform'. From the plug crawled a young man, clambering down the slippery metal flank of his Eva awkwardly. The plug slid back in, and the conveyor carried the Eva, along with the titanic Gatling cannon on the flat-bed lorry behind it, into the docking bays.

"Another Eva?" asked the vacant-looking boy, confused. "I thought we were only getting one new pilot?"

"Who knows?" asked the other, who was checking out Asuka, who was still wearing her incredibly form-fitting plug suit. Asuka punched him on the nose.

"I'm your new pilot!" she snarled, trying to see where the other new pilot had gone. They were overseeing the storage of their Eva, squatting on their haunches like a cat. Lazy, she thought, adding to her newest list. Asuka liked to form lists of things about her fellow pilots that she disapproved of; they tended to quickly become very long.

The other pilot was older than her or the boys, but not by much; about sixteen at most. He was unshaven, and had a scruffy growth of hair all along his jaw. His hair was also quite long for a boy; just past his shoulders. He had serious eyes, and a stern expression as though concentrating. But that wasn't the weirdest thing about the newcomer.

He, like his Eva, was walking on all fours.

"Please don't stare," he said in very sub-par Japanese. He had a flat, deep voice, and sounded British or American. "It makes me uncomfortable."