Disclaimer: I don't own jack. I'm not that creative. Well, actually, I like to think that I am. But that's neither here nor there. I still don't own anything, though. So, please don't sue me for my netbook. I mean, yes, it can run Skyrim, but I assure you that you don't want it. He's a cantankerous little fellow.
A/N: I don't know. I really don't know. I'm here innocently procrastinating, and my brain just thinks things and starts writing them without my permission.
"You have never considered-"
He sniffed delicately. "You are not fertile."
It was difficult to discern whether her blush was due to utter embarrassment or feminine rage.
"Just because I'm not fertile now doesn't mean I won't be in a few days. Besides, semen can remain viable for up to a week in the female reproductive system. Maybe longer, with your freaky demon sperm," she rattled off textbook knowledge on the subject.
Ah. Rage and embarrassment. He snorted. She glared.
It was a testament to how long the pair had been trapped that they were even speaking.
"I'm so not having this conversation with you."
Furthermore, it was a testament to the nature of their predicament that the conversation had taken such a turn. Someone must have thought it incredibly funny to trap the pair in a cursed cave.
She huffed and rolled her eyes. He would wait. She was never one to remain quiet long.
"How can you be so calm about all of this?"
He cracked a citrine orb to regard her.
"It is only sex, Priestess. A perfectly natural occurrence. This Sesshoumaru can quite guarantee you that the act would not be abhorrent."
It suddenly occurred to her that the bastard was teasing her. Kagome's big mouth blurted out this observation.
"I must take offense to your insinuation. This Sesshoumaru assures you that his sire and dam were mated at the time of his conception and birth. The hanyou on the other hand-"
"Just stuff it Sesshoumaru! I really, really don't want to know about your parents' sex lives!" Kagome bellowed, ignoring the fact that it was likely the longest sentence she had ever heard the infuriating demon speak.
His lips quirked at the girl's impertinence.
"And that's the whole damn point!" She added, as if it had just realized, "You're a demon, and I'm a human. We're not mated or married. And just. Eurgh!"
"Your prowess at articulation is formidable, indeed."
Kagome could ignore the snarky remark. With a few deep breaths, she could even forgive his holier-than-thou attitude. That is, until, she caught sight of the most infuriating shit-eating grin she had ever seen, paradoxically gracing the visage of a certain, heretofore emotionless, demon lord. She lost it at that moment and, admittedly rather stupidly, launched herself at Sesshoumaru.
In less than a second she found herself flat on her back, straddled and restrained by the object of her infuriation. Sesshoumaru had thankfully, at some point, removed his armor; otherwise, their current position would have been incredibly uncomfortable for Kagome. The grin was diminished, but his face had lost none of its smugness. He imperiously cocked his head to the side.
"Would you care to explain, little Priestess, what you sought to accomplish by attacking this Sesshoumaru?"
Kagome shook her head and averted her eyes, in order to regain her composure. Simply looking at him was enough to set her off at this point. She began to twitch under his undivided attention.
"Ah. You have nothing to say to this Sesshoumaru? Perhaps were you to make amends for your outburst, this Sesshoumaru would release you to your own devices."
The whole third person thing was starting to grate on her, too. Kagome mumbled something in the vicinity of an apology.
"Hn. This Sesshoumaru did not quite catch that-"
"Yeah, well, this Kagome knows that you damn well did, you smug-ass demon!"
Deigning that he had tortured the girl enough for the moment, Sesshoumaru released her, but not without a nip to the ear in reprimand, first.
"You asshole! You bit me!"
"This Sesshoumaru did no such thing."
"Then, what would you call it, dammit! Ugh, Is my ear bleeding?" Her voice became shrill.
Sesshoumaru was enjoying the game less with her recent adoption of pitch.
"Your skin remains unmarred. It was merely a reprimand, as one would use to admonish an ill-mannered pup, which you are, in fact, quite adept at impersonating. And language, Priestess. Time spent in the company of the Half-breed has clearly corrupted your manner of speech. Such behavior is unbecoming for one of your station."
The two remained in silence for a time. Sesshoumaru observed the girl surreptitiously; she seemed to be trying to work out a difficult equation in her mind.
"I know! I have a cup. Can't you just, you know in there, and I can walk out by holding it, and then, without me in here, you'll be able to get out too!"
"This Sesshoumaru was here before you ever stumbled upon him. The barrier of the cave is also quite specific; therefore, such a ruse will not work. And even so, this Sesshoumaru would not debase himself thusly when a viable alternative is readily available."
Kagome's embarrassed fluster, which had lessened considerably over the course of the last few minutes, returned with a vengeance. She ultimately decided to pretend that those last few exchanged sentences never happened.
It was nearing twenty-four hours since their incarceration began. Kagome was naturally dirty, tired, and hungry. While she did have a few remaining protein bars, she was reluctant to use up her diminishing supply. She was also reluctant to utilize the hot spring in the back of the cave, which Sesshoumaru had pointed out to her some hours earlier.
Noting the direction of her attention, the demon lord attempted placation. "This Sesshoumaru will not molest you without first gaining your assent."
Kagome liked to believe that she was becoming inured to his weird, really, really weird, brand of flirting, but she totally did not trust the apparently pervy dog demon not to peek.
"The desire to cleanse oneself should not be discouraged due to foolish human ideals of modesty."
Kagome huffed. She was considering it, damn him. She glared at him from the corner of her eye.
"You'll peek, I know it!"
"This Sesshoumaru will not act injudiciously."
"What kind of assurance is that? That's just as good as you saying you'll think about it and then watch me anyway!"
"Hn. You are proving to be more astute than previously surmised. This Sesshoumaru will grant you a boon." Observing that he had garnered her undivided attention, he continued, "This Sesshoumaru will permit you to bathe unfettered if you agree to abandon your foolish notions and allow nature to take its due course in relation to our ultimate liberation from this location."
Kagome wasted no time mulling over his offer. It seemed, however, she was doomed to poor word choice.
"Gladly." The smirking demon rose and began to stalk toward her, like a damned cat playing with a mouse.
"Agh! That's not what I meant, and you know it!"
Kagome was saved from deflecting any amorous overtures by the timely arrival of her foul-mouthed best friend.
"Oi, asshole! What're you doing to Kagome!"
"This does not concern you, Half-breed. You would do well to return from whence you came."
Inuyasha, irate at the notion of his half-brother existing within a detectable radius of himself or Kagome, would consider no such thing.
Realizing his intention, Kagome shot forward just as Inuyasha was raising Tessaiga to break down the barrier.
"No, wait, Inuyasha!"
It was too late. The half-demon stumbled forward. The barrier, however, remained intact.
Kagome immediately realized the implications of not one, but two demons trapped in the cave with her and the very specific manner to which they were meant to regain freedom.
Both males turned their gaze to her at her odd turn of phrase. Up to this point, Kagome believed she had been handling herself quite well. She and Sesshoumaru had refrained from killing or maiming each other, and her defensive obscenity had only seemed to amuse him. But this turn of events was just too much for the poor frazzled girl to cope with.
"I'm just gonna-"
Sesshoumaru caught her before she managed to hit the ground and concuss herself. He eased her down gingerly.
"The fuck, Sesshoumaru? What's going on?"
Before Inuyasha could work himself into a full-on state of attack, Sesshoumaru wacked the boy with the blunt hilt of Bakusaiga. He gazed on dispassionately as Inuyasha collapsed into a heap. About that concussion, he was unconcerned.
To mitigate the threat of the half-demon's imminent return and subsequent meddling in Sesshoumaru's affairs, the demon lord ensured that his Inuyasha projectile would be both unconscious for a long, albeit indeterminate, amount of time and many miles away.
After temporarily disposing of his half-brother, Sesshoumaru returned to the main chamber to scoop up his quarry. He could admit to himself that he eagerly awaited her reacquaintance with consciousness. While it had been unanticipated that she would be the one to answer his barrier's call, he was quite content to continue their game. He was also quite content to keep her.