Outer Space Has Gone Insane
A Gundam Fanfic by mercy_angel_09
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing; rights go to Sunrise, Bandai Visual, The Ocean Group, Sotsu Agency with the original story by Hajime Yatate and Yoshigyuri Tomino from Mobile Suit Gundam Wing.
In other words: I'm making no money off of this story.
I would like to thank my friends and of course my readers for supporting this funny little habit of mine.
"So anyway, like I was saying, sometimes you guys need to loosen up. You're all so uptight," Duo concluded as he polished off a triple fudge sundae with the works.
Heero, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei gave him a blank stare in return.
The longhaired pilot sighed as he took his bowl to the kitchen sink. "Like now for example."
The four other pilots exchanged looks that clearly meant, "He's completely gone off his rocker this time."
"Are you four even listening, or are you just going to sit there like rocks all night?"
Quatre cleared his throat and gave Duo a weak smile. "Well, it's getting late and perhaps it would be best if we went to bed."
"I agree," Trowa said quietly, getting up from his barstool and stretching. "It is late and we should go to bed."
The other three pilots nodded in agreement and headed up for bed behind Trowa, leaving Duo behind in the kitchen.
"Man, it sucks being the only one with a personality in this house."
The next morning, Duo found that things had changed, and drastically.
When he shuffled down to the kitchen, he expected to find Trowa reading the paper and sipping a cup of coffee at the breakfast bar, as he was known to do. But instead Trowa was standing over a hot griddle, flipping pancakes and singing, in perfect tune and sync, with the radio, which was blaring the newest hit.
Duo blinked a few times and then shuddered. Trowa was singing, and it was a song done by a teenybopper. What was wrong with the boy? Duo was sure that Trowa had more common sense that to stand, half dressed in the kitchen, singing N*Sync songs while flipping perfect pancakes.
"Hey, Tro buddy? Are you feeling okay?" Duo asked, in hopes that they were just playing a joke on him. Then he remembered that the others didn't have a sense of humor.
Trowa turned, plate of golden brown pancakes in hand, smiling at Duo. "I'm great! Thanks for asking! How did you sleep?"
Duo sort of smiled and then placed his hand through the bangs and felt Trowa's forehead. "No fever, so what's the deal? Is this some sort of sick joke?"
Trowa scowled. "This isn't a joke."
Duo chuckled. "Sure it's not. So where's the hidden camera?"
"There's no camera, but I do have pancakes. It's your breakfast Duo and it's happy to see you!"
Duo blanched when he saw the smiling face before him. Trowa had placed blueberries for eyes, whipped cream for a nose, and bright red trail of strawberry syrup for a mouth. "Now that's just frightening."
Duo gasped before falling out of his chair. Quatre's normally perfectly preened platinum blond hair was slicked back, with a few of his bangs falling over his aqua eyes. He wore combat boots, baggy jeans with holes in the knees, a green camouflage shirt, and a black leather jacket. He sat haphazardly on the nearest chair, downed a glass of orange juice, and then stood up again, clomping out of kitchen, leaving Trowa gaping at the dirty glass that was contaminating the damn near perfect marble counter top.
"I'm gonna be out all day so don't bother lookin' for me," Quatre called as he walked out of the door and into the garage. The next sound they heard was a motorcycle revving and then taking off.
"Hell froze over last night," Duo muttered as he sat down on his chair again, stabbing his smiling pancake several times with his fork.
Wufei came stomping in next, not unusual for him, until his opened his mouth. "Where the hell did I put Sally's phone number?"
"Pardon?" Duo asked, spitting his orange juice back into his glass.
"I need to call Sally," Wufei snapped.
Duo couldn't believe his ears. Wufei was calling a member of the opposite sex of his own free will.
"But w-why?" Duo stuttered.
"I need to ask her about female pilots. I'm planning on starting a movement to make it an equal opportunity employment option," Wufei answered as he dug through the drawers, searching for the slip of paper that contained the sought after phone number.
"But I thought you said that-"
"Women are perfectly capable of piloting a mobile suit. They're even more suited for battle than we are. They bleed for seven days straight and don't die."
"But that's because-" Trowa started.
"Trowa, buddy, I'm eating here," Duo muttered, indicating to his mutilated pancake. "That's not the right subject for breakfast anyway. Where's Heero?"
"I'm right here."
Duo nearly fainted when he saw Heero; hair combed, wearing a fresh tee shirt and jeans. "Oh my God. I've gone crazy."
"I don't think so," Heero replied. Then he turned to Trowa, "Is she here yet?"
"She?" Duo gasped. "She, as in Relena?"
"Who else? I'm not going out with Dorothy, if that's what you're asking," Heero replied.
"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," Duo muttered.
Wufei continued with his search for Sally's phone number, Trowa continued flipping pancakes, and Heero was waiting for the doorbell.
About ten minutes later the doorbell rang and Heero sprang to his feet. "Oh my God, she's here! How does my hair look?"
Wufei and Trowa nodded in approval as Duo snorted. "It looks like you poured an entire oil reserve in it."
Heero dashed to the hall mirror and then glared at Duo. "Don't do that again Maxwell."
The bell continued to ring persistently on, indicating that Relena was becoming impatient. Finally the ringing stopped and the door opened.
"Honestly, don't you guys have enough common sense to answer the God damn door?"
"Did she just say-" Duo started.
The others looked unphased by the comment and Heero swallowed what Duo presumed was a lump in his throat.
"Sorry about that Relena, we're in here."
Relena entered the kitchen, and Duo didn't need any more proof. Hell had in fact finally frozen over and that the whole world was being turned upside down.
Relena wore a pair of tight black vinyl pants, a deep maroon corset with black velvet detailing, a black leather jacket, and the standards of Goth make-up. Her hair was considerably shorter, with deep violet tints. Three hoops occupied each ear and she had a small diamond stud in her nose. In all, Relena had become a bad-ass chick.
"Excuse me," Duo said, standing up from the breakfast bar, "but I need to go lie down."
"But you just woke up!" Trowa protested. "And you haven't even eaten Mr. Smiley yet!"
Duo froze on the stairs. "You mean my breakfast has a name? What is the world coming to?"
After a long soak in the bathtub, Duo felt confident enough to face the house again. The hour he spent mostly submerged in hot water had given him time to reflect upon the now untamed household.
One, Trowa was now a happy and energetic teenager, who cooked while singing in his underwear. It wasn't the cooking in his underwear that startled Duo; it was the fact that Trowa was smiling, frowning, singing, and the most frightening of all, talking.
Two, Quatre had joined the ranks of generation x. The normally subdued Muslim boy was anything but. Duo wouldn't be surprised if he came home drunk, cursing, and singing the lyrics of "Nookie" at the top of his lungs.
Three, Wufei actually called Sally Po, a woman, of his free will. And then he had actually suggested that women fight in wars. Duo knew the story of Wufei's past and Meilan and why the Chinese boy refused to allow women to fight, but he didn't see how this view could have changed over night.
Four, and finally, Heero went out with Relena, Punk Chick from Hell, without being told to. He actually did it without any prodding from the others and he seemed to be enjoying it.
Duo removed himself from the bath and decided to confront the others. But they weren't around. Finding that the house was empty, he went to his room and went back to bed, until a loud crash came from the front lawn.
Duo nearly fell down three flights of stairs trying to see what all of the commotion was about. When he threw open the door, he found Zechs staring at a twisted pile of metal and flame.
"I think that speed can kill," he muttered.
Duo, wrapped in a Martha Stewart® towel, gawked at the man. "I thought that you were dead and that doing something that would ordinarily kill a person didn't matter."
"No, I'm very alive," Zechs said, touching the trail of blood that the gash above his right eye was causing.
"Um, is that gash the only injury you got, or did you get a really big hit on the head?" Duo asked.
Zechs shook his head. "No, this is it."
"Just checking," Duo said. "Well, I'm going to go get dressed."
Zechs nodded as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Noin's number. "God I hope she doesn't mind."
Duo dressed in his usual black uniform and tromped down to the kitchen, removed the milk carton from the fridge and downed half of it within seconds. Wiping away the milk moustache, he dialed up the Sweepers Group, in hopes that at least one person was still the same.
It was one of the technicians who answered, but they quickly handed Duo over to Howard. But Howard wasn't the same.
"No! They got to you too!" Duo moaned.
"Hey, Duo, what's wrong with you?" Howard asked, leaning in closer to his screen so he could take a good look at the boy.
"The whole world and outer space have gone completely insane. Quatre's become one of Hell's Angels, Trowa and Heero are acting like normal teenagers and Wufei is actually spending time with women, without whining or complaining!" Duo moaned. "And now you're wearing a suit! And no sunglasses!"
Howard stroked his goatee. "I wouldn't worry about it man. Sometimes things change."
"Yeah, but not over night!" Duo sputtered.
"Duo, things change," Howard repeated. "Sometimes they change for the better, and sometimes the change for the worse. Like you did, for example. You were once a helpless little boy who had tangled hair. Then some kindly nun braids it for you and viola! You're a whole new person."
Duo blinked back tears. Remembering Sister Helen and Father Maxwell was difficult for him, and even though he had forced himself to return to the church ruins, he still found himself crying at night as he remembered that awful day.
"And that's exactly what I'm talking about. As people learn and grow, they change. Perhaps Trowa and Heero were able to overcome their social awkwardness from all of their training. Quatre was probably feeling repressed and wanted to rebel a little. And as for Wufei, maybe he's ready to put Nataku to rest," Howard concluded.
Duo snorted. "That may be, but you haven't see Relena yet. I think she went over to the dark side."
"Short hair, dyed purple, three hoops in each ear, a diamond nose stud, vinyl pants, a corset, leather jacket and Goth makeup. The girl went insane! And Heero actually went on a date with her this afternoon!" Duo exclaimed.
"Congratulate him when he gets back," Howard mused.
"Man, that's not a happy thought!"
"Like you haven't before."
"I know, but Heero and Relena-"
"Fine, fine. So, is that all that's bugging you?" Howard asked.
"Yeah," Duo sighed. "I guess you must have a customer or someone waiting on you."
"Damn straight. Talk to you later."
"Yeah, yeah," he muttered as he flipped off the vid screen. Thinking that his life had hit an all time low, Duo went to his room and climbed into bed.
It was roughly midnight when the boy woke, but he was in his pajamas. Wiping the sweat from his forehead he breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "That was one hell of a nightmare," he muttered.
He lay back in bed, attempting to overcome what had just happened. "And that my friends, is the last time I have a triple hot fudge sundae with the works before bed."
Duo woke to chirping birds and the soft cooing of the mourning dove. He stretched, yawned, scratched and then stood up, ready to face the day. At least that nightmare wasn't real.
When he arrived in the kitchen, he found Trowa sitting at the breakfast bar, dressed in his usual navy turtleneck and jeans. He casually sipped a cup of coffee as he read the morning paper.
"Trowa!" Duo cried as he bounded in and embraced the green-eyed pilot.
"What the-" Trowa started. "Back off."
"As normal as one can be I suppose."
Duo gave him one more quick squeeze before heading over to the cupboards to find some dry cereal for breakfast.
After filling a bowl full of Cap'n'Crunch, Duo sat at the table, grabbing the sections of the paper that Trowa had finished. He glanced up when Quatre entered, wearing his usual pink button down shirt, pale blue-gray vest and khaki pants. His hair was freshly washed and was shining brightly in the early morning sun.
"Good morning everyone!" he said in his usually cheery tone.
"Morning," Trowa mumbled though his coffee cup.
Duo nodded, milk dribbling down his chin. "Morning."
Wufei was next to enter, wearing his Preventer uniform as he thumbed though a report. "Women just don't belong on the battlefield!" he muttered angrily as he poured a cup of coffee. "They just don't!"
Quatre rolled his eyes, Trowa remained passive and Duo grinned. "I guess you're right. But don't underestimate them."
Wufei glared at the longhaired pilot. "Dishonor! Injustice!"
"Stop yelling Wufei."
Heero's calm words seemed to have a calming effect on the Chinese pilot. He was dressed in the usual spandex short and green tank top, and seemed to have the usual poker face and bed head.
"So, what are everyone's plans for today?" Duo asked casually as he lifted another spoon full of cereal to his mouth.
"I'm going to convince Sally that women shouldn't fight. It's against the social norm," Wufei answered.
"I have some meeting with Rasid and the others," Quatre answered, taking a sip of his English Breakfast Tea. (AN: That's just what the stuff if called.)
Trowa merely raised his eyes to Duo before going back to the paper.
"And Trowa has to return to the circus. What about you Heero?" Duo asked, looking at the boy who sat across from him.
Heero shrugged. "Maybe I'll blow something up."
"Like Relena?" Duo asked hopefully.
"If the mood takes me."
Duo stood up, grinning. This wasn't unusual for him, but it still made the other pilots slightly uncomfortable. "That's great you guys. Well, I have some business calls to make so I'll be in my room."
He dumped his bowl in the sink and thundered upstairs, leaving the others behind in the kitchen.
"Do you think he knows?" Trowa asked after a few awkward moments.
"I can't tell," Wufei answered. "It's very possible."
"I put him into his pajamas for God's sake so he had better not know," Heero growled.
"Relena isn't coming over today, is she?" Quatre asked as he quickly tossed the tea in favor of something with a little more caffeine, Mountain Dew.
Heero smirked. "No, and it's a good thing too. He'd lose his mind for sure if she did."
The others chuckled in a conspiratorial way.
Once the chuckling subsided, Quatre cleared his throat. "Did she really have to get the nose stud and dye job though?"
Bwahahahahahahaha! I made Relena into someone tolerable. No, I don't think there'll be a sequel, but if the mood takes me, I might. (So please refrain from any reviews that ask for sequels, because I rarely do write them.) I was just having one of those "I hate Relena" days where I basically decided to FUBAR her. ^^ I think she turned out pretty good.