Howdy folks! I decided as an extra special treat to release the last chapter early as a thank you for all the faves, reviews and alerts. I hope you enjoy this chapter and forgive me for the cheesiness of the ending. XD
Chapter 9: Let Me Dream Of the Beginning
Summary: There are morbid thoughts, attempt at suicide, and a hopeful outcome.
Warning: The usual stuff, Swearing, fluff, and suicidal thoughts
As Ludwig dashed out of the bar, rain pelted his body. At the moment, however, he didn't care. He frantically glanced in either direction, finding absolutely no trace of the American he attempted to follow out.
Where could he have gone? The German began to mentally curse. He glanced in both directions once again, trying to figure out where Alfred could have gone to. The transit was a good place to start; he looked as if he was in a hurry. Ludwig knew Alfred couldn't have gotten too far. He quickly ran down the sidewalk, hoping to catch up towards the other blonde.
As the rain continued to drench the young man's body, Alfred slowly made his way towards the transit station, or at least he thought he was. In all honesty, Alfred had simply started walking in a random direction, not really caring where the hell he was going.
However, after clearing his thoughts, he finally realized that he had no clue where he was. He thanked every deity that ever existed as he reached into his jacket pocket and felt the plastic casing of his cell phone. Soon after the screen loaded, Alfred tapped the display a few times and pulled up the GPS. He stuck his tongue out as he tried to remember the name of the station he and Ludwig had arrived on.
Alfred sighed out loud as he tried to repress the recent fight from his memory. The repressing failed slightly, as his mind drew him a picture of Ludwig stomping off into the crowd of drunks. He was so mad that Alfred thought the German might punch him again. The American felt a pang in his chest as the map finally pulled up and showed him the directions to get to the station.
Alfred began his trek as the rain continued to bombard his person.
He hadn't meant to make Ludwig so angry with him; Alfred finally admitted that he needed to think before he spoke. He glanced down at the map, which was telling him to make a left at the end of the block. He was going the right way, or at least he hoped he was.
The lights of the cityscape that illuminated every inch of space suddenly got brighter. Alfred looked from his phone and saw a bridge that crossed a major highway. The lights from the traffic below were blocked out by the bridge, sending light around the structure, as if he was the one underneath, and the brightness was the sun shining down on the Earth. Alfred continued to stare at the strangely perplexing view.
It reminded him of the unlucky situations that surrounded him for the past year, perhaps even his entire life. He was always in the darkness. Always working, always being insulted, always feeling guilty, and never seeing the light of the day that seems to bring everyone around him joy. And like the bridge he stood on now, he was all alone…
All alone in the darkness.
Alfred felt something snap in him. Tears threatened to pour out and stain his cheeks. His voice, caught in his throat, prepared to bellow out in sorrow and self-pity. He shook violently as he tried to contain his misery. He always hid it from the other nations. He always made up lies to get them to stop asking, "What's wrong?" They acted like they cared but he knew deep down, no one cared. No one cared for Alfred F. Jones. Only America.
He was all alone in the darkness and he never had anybody there with him. A personal hell on Earth he had called it, while drowning his senses in a deep, quiet thought that few ever knew he was capable of. He leaned on the edge of the bridge, and again tried to control himself. He was failing.
He twisted his body around and clenched the railing that protected travelers from falling into the sea of traffic below. Alfred looked down at the powerful illumination that the cars produced that mimicked the sun when you step outside from the darkness. Alfred saw a few glimpses of the sun in his personal life. Rare, happy moments of memory that he would love to revisit again and again.
One in particular was more recent. He had woken up in Ludwig's hotel room, a couple of aspirin and a glass of water waiting in hand by the German nation, who had taken care of him the previous night. That made him happy. He had once thought that most nations would have left him at the bar (or that was at least what Ludwig had told him where he was that night), but Ludwig didn't leave him there, drunk, confused, and about to dive off the ledge of a building. He saved him and took care of the American. He cared, and Alfred hadn't realized that until now.
But Alfred knew that Ludwig didn't care anymore.
He clenched his jaw as he repressed a frustrated scream, threatening to tear out of his throat. His grip on the bridge's railing tightened. The tears that had been blinked back for so long began to fall and mix with the unsalted droplets from the sky above. No one would know that he was crying. Perhaps that was for the best.
"I-I pushed him away… just like everyone else…" He whispered to no one but himself. "God Damn It! Why am I such a fucking idiot?" His cry echoed off into the empty streets, fading into nothing, and drowning out by other background noises that where more important. He folded his arms on the railing and buried his face in the wet sleeves, not caring anymore, and sobbed.
His muffled cries didn't echo like the way they had before. Alfred stopped and glanced down at the cars with hypnotized eyes. The gaze shifted to the railing he had gripped so hard to and pondered. He had little hesitation in his movement as he balanced himself onto the railing, miraculously not slipping off. Standing tall and looking down at the massive amount of traffic, he suddenly chuckled, though it lacked a humorous tone. He thought it ironic that his dream was coming true, the only exceptions were the bright lights and Ludwig's involvement. In his dream there was simply darkness that greeted him when he opened his eyes. There was light now, and he suddenly felt a little more at peace about his inevitable fate. As for Ludwig's involvement, Alfred knew there wouldn't be one. He vaguely wondered if he was okay with that, and came to the simple conclusion of "I don't know."
Closing his eyes, he let his mind go blank. He took a step towards the light below, and let the wind rush past his face.
A stubborn grip tightened around his wrist forcing the nation to open his eyes. He was dangling over the bridge, the traffic below continued on their way, not getting any closer. The rain continued to pour, yet this didn't stop Alfred from glancing up a moment after.
Piercing cerulean eyes stared intently at deep, blue ones.
"L-Ludwig?" Alfred wasn't concerned with his stuttering as he gazed up at the Germanic nation, trying to hoist him up. With surprising strength that Alfred had forgotten that the other possessed, Ludwig pulled the shorter over the railing. Before Alfred could even touch the ground, the other nation pulled him into a tight embrace and buried his face in the crook of the American's shoulder. Alfred continued to stare shockingly out into space as Ludwig's warm body pressed against his back.
They stayed like that for some time, not knowing how many minutes ticked by until the silence was finally broken.
"W-why?" Alfred couldn't comprehend Ludwig's valor. He was angry with him, right? "Why did you try and stop me? W-why didn't you just let me end it? …Why Didn't You Let Me Go?" The spectacled nation screeched as he gripped the other's arm that held onto his chest. His demands went unanswered, and Alfred was sure he was going to lose himself in the chaotic silence.
His anger boiled to a dangerous rate, and the American was sure he was going to explode. He shook his head, clenching his jaw. The silence of the other nation behind him was proving to be too much for Alfred to take.
"I Said… Let Me Go!" Alfred tore himself away from the German and twisted around. He stumbled backwards getting closer to the railing he had stood on earlier. Alfred closed his eyes tightly, and for once, decided to keep his eyes shut. He didn't need to look into Ludwig's eyes to know what he was thinking; he had already seen it hundreds of times before.
"No." His voice whispered, yet seemed to be clearly audible as it echoed in Alfred's head.
A pair of warm hands cupped his face, and stopped his legs dead. He opened his eyes at the sudden touch and gazed at Ludwig's surprisingly angered face inches away from his own. A fire burned with in them that Alfred had not seen before. It was not an anger he took as threatening, though.
"I will never let you go again. I will not let you fall and die!" He shouted suddenly. His face was red with embarrassment as a strong frown appeared on his face. He was never good with words of affection of any kind, but he knew that he had to at this very moment, or all could be lost. "Stop trying to hide your true feelings from everyone. You are not alone, Alfred. Can't you see that? There are people who care about you, whether you know it or not!"
"Who then? Who Cares About Me?" Warm tears spilled down his face and mixed with the cold rain drops from the sky above. He felt stupid for asking the question in the first place, but he had to know. He had to know right now. Ludwig's eyes seemed to be blank, hiding his thoughts very well. Alfred felt a sudden panic slowly build within him as the pause took longer than he had expected.
Before Alfred could ponder the look any further however, Ludwig closed the gap between them. Lips met in a warm chastised kiss. Alfred's mind sputtered, and blanked out momentarily, and when it started back up again, all he could do was stare at Ludwig's face, which was a little farther now.
"I do." Alfred's body shuddered as the words continued to leave Ludwig's lips. "I love you. I love you more then you'll ever know, Alfred." Ludwig's face continued to flush furiously as he confessed his feelings. He was surprised himself that he didn't stutter. Alfred stood silently, gazing up towards the other nation's face. His eyes, as wide as they could go, still continued to pour tears out.
He abruptly grabbed Ludwig's face in his own hands and brought him down into a little deeper and longer kiss. Tilting his head, Alfred kissed the other with as much feeling as he possibly could, while Ludwig (who took a moment to compose himself from the sudden enthusiasm the American decided to show) did the same, moving his hands from the other's face, down to grip his upper arms. As they pulled apart, Ludwig tried to speak.
"We… Should… Get… Out… Of... The… Rain…" Each word rewarded by a peck to the lips from Alfred as Ludwig tried to finish his suggestion. The German, giving up after a minute, laughed. Soon Alfred finally stopped and agreed with the other that it was time to get out of the rain.
It all started with this dream.
When I open my eyes, all I can see is an eternity of black. I can't tell what's up or down, but I do know, that for once, I am not falling. I'm a bit surprised, to say the least, but the darkness is still here. It still surrounds me.
I can't see anything and so my mind is forced to wander around, thinking dark thoughts. Is this my new punishment? Am I to sit here forever? Am I to die alone like this? Is there anyone out there? Please, I don't want to be alone!
Even though I scream and cry, I am not sure whether this punishment is good or bad.
It is far better than falling to an inevitable doom, but to stay here and rot in the darkness is too much for me to handle. I would rather fall then sit here alone in the suffocating sea of black. I wander around, trying to find the imaginative ledge that will free me of the ink like blackness that surrounds me, or at least I hope it does. I want it to go away, by any means necessary. Even if it comes to death.
It's so very strange to be okay with that. I wonder if anyone else is okay with that too...
I wonder if anyone wouldn't be okay with that...
I still don't know. It's slowly breaking me, not knowing.
I cannot find this ledge that will help me end it all, and it is slowly cracking the pieces that are desperately trying to hold me together. I sit down and curl my arms around me, gripping my upper arms so tightly. I start to believe that if I were to let go, I would simply shatter into dust. I shake violently.
It's so cold. It's so dark. It's so lonely.
That's when I feel a presence behind me. I turn and glance towards this figure who has decided to come and visit me in my pathetic state. I don't know whether this person cares for me or not, but I cannot take this solitude any longer. I start to inadvertently pray that the individual stays with me.
The first thing I see is light.
I see the light bursting from ahead and fading into the dark that surrounds me. I then see a pair of feet, standing not four feet from me. My gaze travels further up and finally stops on a set of beautiful cerulean eyes. This man looks at me apathetically. I cannot read him at all, and it sets a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I recognize as panic. I don't like it, but it must appear sometimes to let me know that, yes, I am still alive and I can still feel emotions like a normal being.
He steps closer and kneels beside me. The light seems to move with him, almost like a symbolic dance the two preform everyday of their lives.
"Ludwig...?" I can only seem to whisper his name.
He gives me a warm smile that causes my heart to race and I wonder what this feeling is, though I know I should already know. The panic that is in the pit of my stomach crawls back soon however. I doubt his existence. I have been alone here in the darkness for so long, I must be seeing things. That he is a figment of my imagination. I lightly touch his face as if he would break into a million pieces if I wasn't delicate enough. I pray that this man before me is real.
It's funny that I do not think of myself as a religious person, and yet I don't believe I have ever prayed that much in my entire life.
His skin is soft as my fingers brush his cheek. I almost sigh in relief. He is real.
He leans into the touch, still smiling gently. His hand is on my knee, holding onto it firmly, while the other is pressed against my hand that touches his face. His eyes never leave mine, and give me that heart racing feeling all over again.
We simply lean into each other. There is nothing more but a brush of the lips. It is simple, but it speaks a thousand different words that I would love to hear him speak to me. We pull away, creating a gap between us that is shorter than the one before.
"I love you, Alfred." His voice is firm and so sure. I love it so much. I want him to whisper those words for an eternity to me. That voice is all I need to lift me up at my lowest. Even if God himself were to mock me, his words and tones are all I need to make me feel as brilliant as the sun.
I am still captivated by his piercing gaze. I lean in and touch his forehead to mine. It is so warm. I feel as though the light that follows him has enveloped around me. I have this sudden sensation that my eternity of darkness is not as eternal as I had thought it was. That my time of wandering, falling, and loneliness is ending, and a bright, warm, and loving future is here greeting me and guiding me to the right direction.
My mind wanders away for a moment, pondering over the thought that perhaps Ludwig is the light that is pulling me towards that brighter future I can see ahead. I decide at that moment that I will be his bright future as well.
I give him a smile as warm and bright as the sun itself.
"I love you too."
As Matthew boarded the transit back to the hotel, he happened to catch a familiar mop of golden wheat hair. A soft smile appeared on his lips as he walked over to greet his brother, but he stopped his quiet voice as he got closer.
He blinked a few times as he stared at the sudden amount of nations that seem to be crowded around the transit seats, all sitting, but watching his brother, Alfred. He raised a brow as he stepped closer. He was glad for once that no one seemed to notice him, because they all seemed pretty intent at not disturbing Alfred at all, but it wasn't just Alfred, Matthew noticed. As the Canadian stood beside his brother, he noticed that Ludwig was with him.
The two were sleeping, their hands intertwined with each other's. Alfred's head leaned onto Ludwig's shoulder, while said German's was leaning onto Alfred's head. They both had a calm smile on their faces as they slept in peace. Matthew stared at the two nations before glancing back at the rest, who were busy watching them. He had no idea when his brother and Ludwig had suddenly got a little friendlier with each other, but that didn't mean that everyone needed to invade their privacy.
Matthew suddenly felt a tug on his sweatshirt, causing the quiet Canadian to jump a little. He quickly turned around and saw a familiar Northern Italian smiling up at him from his seat. Francis, Romano, Antonio, Gilbert, Kiku and Arthur were seated in the same booth, also looking at Matthew and smiling (save Romano of course, who kept mumbling under his breath). Matthew gave a questioning look at all of them, wonder what was going exactly. He opened his mouth to voice out his question, hoping for a coherent answer from at least one of them, but he was interrupted.
"Canada, right?" A normally loud voice whispered below. Matthew looked down at Feliciano, who still had a slight grip on the Canadian's hoodie. Matthew nodded, slightly surprised that he was actually noticed. Feliciano smiled warmly at the passive nation and brought his index finger up to his mouth to indicate to be quiet. He whispered again gently and winked.
"Ve~ You must be quiet. They're dreaming."
There you have it folks! I hope you liked this story and were entertained, even if it was just a little. I'd like to thank all those that have faved, reviewed, and alerted this story. I love you guys.
A special thanks goes to my two betas, who spent a lot of time correcting my horrible grammar and spelling, CurlsCat and HanakoAnimeaddict, you guys rock my socks! All I can say is thanks for coming along on this ride of cheesy romance, it really means a lot to me.
Also, for once, there are no translation notes, Yay!
I guess my final words would be (as bad as they sound), "Sweet Dreams!"