Title: I Slept with My Best Friends Demon
Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Buffy brings Xander and Spike on to the Jerry Springer Show
Warnings/Spoilers: Post season 6 but Season 7 never happened
Beta'd by: Whichclothes
"Our next guest is a special one!" Jerry Springer said over the loud cheering. "She is the one and only vampire slayer. Buffy Summers!"
There was a mixture of cheers and boos.
Buffy sat on a chair with her legs crossed. Her hair was up in a ponytail and she wore a skimpy little outfit, just like everyone on the show always did. "Hi, Jerry!" Buffy said very perkily.
"Hello, Buffy," Jerry replied back. "Now what brings you here today?"
"Well, my best friend Xander has been seeing this vampire," Buffy said. The audience gasped. "Not only a vampire but William the Bloody, who now goes by the name of Spike."
A woman in the audience fainted.
Jerry nodded. "And you don't like this vampire? Uh… Spike."
"Well, I used to hate him but we've been through a lot together lately," Buffy explained. "Everything was fine until he and Xander started doing the dirty. Now everything is different."
"And you brought them here today for what purpose?" Jerry asked. He looked over at Todd the stage manager who was looking nervous. He'd never signed on to deal with William the Bloody!
Buffy sat up straight. "To tell Xander that me and Spike had a secret relationship."
The audience gasped again.
"Well you don't have to tell him because he has been backstage listening the entire time," Jerry told her. "Let's welcome Xander!"
The audience cheered as Xander stormed out looking more than just a little pissed.
"What the *beep* are you doing, Buffy?" Xander demanded. "You never *beep* slept with Spike! He wouldn't touch you with a ten foot *beep* pole!"
Buffy stood up from her chair. "Do you really believe that, Xan? Me and Spike have had sex all over Sunnydale!"
"Why don't we bring out Spike?" Jerry suggested. He didn't have time to actually introduce Spike because he stormed out on stage, vampire façade in place.
"You bloody bitch!" Spike snarled. "That was over a year ago!"
Xander turned to look at Spike, horrified. "You and Buffy?" He said stunned. "You *beep* bastard!" He punched Spike.
It didn't faze Spike. "Luv, that was before you and me ever happened."
"And you didn't think I had the right to know?" Xander demanded.
"Did you ever think maybe he didn't tell you to prevent hurting you?" Jerry asked.
Buffy snorted. "Obviously you don't know Spike. He gets off on hurting people."
"Not Xander!" Spike snarled and took a menacing step towards her.
"Why exactly have you brought them here to reveal this secret?" Jerry asked as he stepped off the stage.
Buffy looked between Xander and Spike. "Because I miss what me and Spike had."
Xander went after Buffy but one of the bodyguards caught him and pulled him back. "You what? Buffy!"
"You're *beep* mad, slayer!" Spike shouted.
"Come on, Spike. You have to admit we had some of the hottest sex ever," Buffy purred. "Remember that time in The Bronze? You told me I didn't belong in the light, that I belonged in the dark…with you."
Xander swirled back to Spike. "What the *beep* is this, Spike? Do you want to be with Buffy?"
"No!" Spike said and grabbed Xander. "Yes, we had a *beep* up relationship. It was right after you all pulled her out of heaven. She ended it and I accepted that. I've moved on to bigger and better things."
"So, Spike. You have no desire to have any physical contact with Buffy?" Jerry asked.
"Oh, I want physical contact. I want to bash her *beep* head in. What kind of person purposely hurts a friend?"
The audience cheered.
"Now, Xander," Jerry turned his attention to Xander. "Do you want to go home with Spike after all of this?"
Xander looked between Buffy and Spike. "You've never been with her since we've gotten together?" he asked Spike.
"Never, pet," Spike murmured. "All she was, was a passing fancy. A way to get my leg over. You're special and I would never do anything to purposely hurt you. I love you."
"Aww!" the audience called out.
"And what about Buffy?" Jerry asked. "Can you forgive her for all of this?"
Xander started at Buffy who was looking pissed off. "You tried ruining one of the best things in my life. How the hell could I ever forgive that?"
"Xander, don't I deserve to be happy too?" Buffy asked. "After all that I've done for you. For everyone!"
The audience members booed and one person even threw an empty Coke can at her, which hit her in the side of the head.
"Honestly right now I don't give a *beep* if you're happy. You expect everyone around you to be miserable when you are. Well it isn't going to *beep* work anymore!" Xander said. "I am not giving up Spike."
"So you aren't mad at Spike?" Jerry asked.
Xander looked at Jerry as if he had turned into a Fyarl demon. "What the *beep* do you think? I'm beyond pissed at Spike! He should have told me he was *beep* my friend! But he didn't cheat on me so I think after a lot of groveling and make-up sex we will get past this."
"Spike is a vampire. I didn't think vampires groveled," Jerry commented.
"Spike isn't like other vampires," Xander replied. He looked at Spike. "And I think now is a good time as any."
"Oooooh!" The audience all leaned in to see what would happen.
Spike glared at the audience, which instantly fell silent. He fell to his knees. "Xander, I am sorry that this came out like this. I would never jeopardize what we have. Not for her or anyone else. You are the only one I want to be with. If Drusilla herself walked in right now and begged me to take her back I'd stake her and spit on her bloody ashes."
"Aww!" the crowd said as if it was the sweetest thing they'd ever heard.
"Love you, fang," Xander declared as he pulled Spike up and into a kiss.
"Love you too, whelp."
Buffy stomped offstage.
"Isn't that lovely?" Jerry asked the audience and they all cheered and chanted Jerry. "Next up, a demon who confesses to her lover that she's really a human."