Thanks to: as usual, my dear beta, Anakinlove, because without her, this baby won't be as good.
Disclaimer: Don't own the Bats.
Things Robin(s) Should Never Do
Dick zigzagged through the traffic as he raced to Gotham.
Alfred had called, saying there was an emergency. It was all Alfred needed to say.
Dick skidded to a stop in the Manor's garage, not even bothered to park his bike properly. As always, Alfred was there to welcome him, though this time the expression on the butler's face was far from joyful. Dick could see trace of worry and… Dick blinked, was it amusement he saw in the older man's eyes?
But what for? Dick wondered.
"This way, sir," Alfred said, breaking Dick's train of thoughts. Dick nodded, silently asking Alfred to lead the way.
They walked briskly towards the living room, where most of family discussion (he used the word discussion loosely here, seeing it could be anything, ranging from a silly not-so-little quarrel between brothers that would no doubt escalate into a full blown brawl to a shouting match between sons and father) was held and where his former mentor and two of younger brothers were right now.
"How bad is it?" Dick asked, partly because he wanted to prepare himself if things were really ugly and partly because he was curious.
Alfred looked serious, but if Dick squinted, he could see how the butler's lips were tugged up ever so slightly or how his eyes alight with well-concealed amusement.
"You better see it for yourself," Alfred said mysteriously, that slight amused smile on his lips.
Dick frowned. He could think of many emergencies that would both require his assistance and make Alfred this serious.
But then, why's he smiling?
Dick was concluding that whatever this emergency was, it must be something strictly family-only, when they reached the living room. Alfred excused himself with a simple bow, that mysterious smile still present on his lips. Dick stared at the wooden double door in front of him and gulped, somehow he got a feeling things would get ugly.
When Dick entered the living room, he didn't know what to expect. Though certainly not this.
This being… Dick narrowed his eyes to get a better look at Bruce. No matter how he looked at him, Bruce still had bright pink hair, somehow. Bruce sat on a couch, arms crossed, glaring at Tim and Damian, who were seated in front of him.
Wow. Never thought I'd see the day when those two would sit in one couch without trying to kill each other, Dick thought, relaxing once he knew no one was in danger.
Damian sat, back rigid, face stony, glaring right back at their father fearlessly. Dick could also see the faint triumphant grin playing on his lips. Tim was seated next to him, closer to the door, looking at anything but Bruce. Whether it was because he was ashamed or just so he wouldn't burst out laughing was a mystery to Dick.
Dick cleared his throat, announcing his presence. At once, every head snapped in his direction. Bruce's eyes narrowed as he glared at him. Tim looked at him with a small smile and… something akin to awed respect in his eyes.
Damian openly smirked. "I never thought you had it in you."
Dick raised his eyebrows questioningly at that. "Had what?"
"Sit," Bruce said curtly, sounding more like a command than request, gesturing towards the couch his adopted brothers were on. Obediently, Dick sat down, knowing better than to provoke Bruce in this state.
"So, Alfred said there's an emergency," Dick said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen, "he didn't tell me what it is though," he continued, "Surely you dyeing your hair pink is not it?" he asked, looking at Bruce in the eye, trying to look serious only to fail. He couldn't help the amused smile that sneaked on to his face.
Bruce's glare became fiercer. Dick smiled back, he was immune.
Damian snorted. Tim coughed, Dick suspected it was his way to hide his laugh.
"This," Bruce said, throwing a bundle of clipped yellowing papers onto the table, "is the problem."
Dick took it, wondering what it was that could make Bruce this annoyed. Whatever it was, it must be good. A smile appeared on his lips as his eyes fell on the title, written in Bruce's handwriting.
THINGS ROBIN SHOULD NEVER DO
And now, Bruce had neon pink hair.
Dick was grinning from ear to ear as he put two and two together. "Boys," he turned to look at his younger brothers. Tim was looking at him with head tilted to a side in questioning manner while Damian was glaring at him as if to say "I'm not a boy!" which Dick ignored. "I'm proud of you!" he exclaimed. "My little brothers, now have grown into respectable pranksters!" he said, pretending to wipe a tear of joy from the corner of his eyes dramatically.
Tim choked on his laugh before coughing to camouflage his laughter. Damian grinned, head tilted back as if to say "You should be."
Bruce reached out and whacked the side of his head.
Dick glared half-heartedly at his former mentor. "What was that, Bruce?" he whined, rubbing the spot where he had been hit.
"You shouldn't encourage them!" Bruce scolded.
"Why not?" Dick argued. "It's funny."
"Because you're not the receiving end of it," Bruce grumbled, glaring at him.
"Come on, Bruce, it's not all that bad," Dick said, persuading, "At least now they aren't going at each other's throat."
Bruce sighed wearily. "They work together to prank me, go figure," he said, massaging his temple to soothe the massive headache he knew was coming. "What's next? You all work together with Jason to prank me?"
Dick tapped his chin as if thinking about it."That's a good idea, Bruce," Dick said, smiling cheerily.
Bruce glared. "You realize I was being sarcastic, right?"
Dick hummed, not at all fazed. "I know, but it is a good idea." He said. "Well, if that's all, I'll go back to the Haven, some of us has a job to keep," he said, standing up from his seat, grinning at Bruce, who glared mildly at him. "Mind if I keep this?" he asked, taking the bundle of papers in his hand.
"Sure," Bruce said, waving his hand dismissively.
"Great," Dick grinned. His grin only widened when he noticed how Tim's eyes focused on him, or to be exact, on the papers in his hand, his brows crinkling slightly, deep in thought, while Damian had his face blank, a telltale that he was planning something. Dick could see how the gears in his head grind against one another.
"Why don't you stay for the night, Dick?" Tim said at the same time Damian said, "Grayson, stay."
Dick grinned widely, he knew what they wanted. "May I?" he asked Bruce.
At Bruce's answer, Damian was smirking, clearly satisfied and Tim was smiling, though it was faint as if he tried to be subtle about his satisfaction.
Dick could see it anyway. They were his brothers after all.
Evening, Dick's room…
Dick sat on his bed, a bundle of papers beside him. He closed his eyes, humming a random cheery tune he had heard in commercial. He was waiting for someone.
Minutes past, and he opened his eyes. That someone had arrived.
Faster than I thought. They really want this, huh? He thought, amused.
"Come in, Tim. The door's unlocked," he said, grinning when he heard a muffled grumble that sound suspiciously like "How did he know?" before his door open and Tim came in. "You too, little D," he looked over his shoulder at the glass door that connect to a balcony. The glass door slide open silently and Damian came out of the shadow.
"You want this, don't you?" he asked, showing the bundle of papers from before.
"I'll use violence if needed," Damian declared.
Dick clicked his tongue. "So quick to resort to violence, Dami? You never change," he commented. "Well, tell you what, you don't need to. I'll give it to you."
"You will?" Damian asked, surprised.
"What do you want in return?" Tim asked calmly.
Dick grinned. Tim, ever observant.
"I only ask for one thing," Dick watched as his adopted brothers tense in anticipation. "I'm in."
And once Dick's words had sunk in…
"What?" Tim and Damian shouted at the same time.
"What what?" Dick asked back, playing innocent at his brothers' incredulous stares. "There were some pranks I always wanted to pull but couldn't because I had no one," he said, as if it explained it.
By now, Tim was gaping, "And here I thought you were the perfect one," he commented dryly once he regained his wits.
Damian snorted. "I knew you weren't as good as you make yourself to be."
Dick's mischievous grin was only his only answer. "Now, shall we?" he flapped the bundle of papers in his hand. Unusually obediently, both Tim and Damian took a seat at each of his side. And they read.
THINGS ROBIN SHOULD NEVER DO
Written under Bruce's writing, was Dick's own.
AKA THE AWOSEMEST PRANK EVER!
"Your writing sucks," Damian commented.
"Not to mention it's grammatically wrong," Tim pointed out.
"Oh, shut up," Dick said, without any heat to it, "And Tim, not everyone is a genius like you."
"It doesn't take a genius to know that it is wrong," Tim mumbled under his breath.
#1: Should not tear this list apart, or burn it, or tear it apart then burn it. Or anything that makes the writing illegible.
#2: Should never change my shampoo with hair dye, especially if said hair dye's color is pink!
#3: Should not paint my Batman suit orange. Or electric green. Or canary yellow. Or any color for that matter.
"You did?" Tim asked, incredulous.
Dick's grin was wide as he said, "Several times actually."
#4: You also should not paint my Batman suit red and green just because it is Christmas. In fact, stay away from my suit.
#5: Should not cover the bat signal with pink plastic, so it will shine the most obnoxious shade of pink!
#6: Neither should you carve a giant heart on it. Or letter R or B or any letter. In fact, you shouldn't carve anything to the bat signal. Period.
"And why did you carve the bat signal?" Tim asked curiously.
"I asked for my own signal. Bruce didn't give me. So I did the next best thing," Dick answered, shrugging.
"Wow, your logic was as flawless as ever," Damian commented sarcastically.
"Oh, shut it."
#7: Should never tie a bow on my cowl. Or two, or three, or... Just don't tie any bows!
#8: Should not "redecorate" it either.
"What was your idea of 'redecorating'?" Tim raised his eyebrows questioningly.
"Is a manly picture of skull on the back of the cowl good enough for you?" Dick asked back, grinning from ear to ear.
"That's very juvenile of you," Damian said.
"Coming from you, I take that as a compliment," Dick said not at all fazed by Damian's comment.
#9: Should not doodle on wanted posters.
#10: Nor should you draw a realistic picture of you friends, or your teachers, or anyone really as wanted posters then proceed to copy it in large number and put it on the street. Or advertise it in the newspaper. Or put it on the internet.
Actually you're banned from drawing any wanted posters whatsoever.
#11: Should not put a picture of bats mating on the internet and title it "The Bat's doing the naughty."
#12: You should never, under any circumstance, to intentionally stain your clothes –or your Robin suit— with ketchup and claimed, I quote, "I'm bleeding! I'm gonna die!"
#13: Neither should you play dead. Ever.
"That's kind of cruel, Dick," Tim admonished.
"I suppose it is," Dick shrugged, "but it's not like he can't tell almost right away."
#14: You should not say that you want to be Robin, or Joker's sidekick, or worse, Superman's sidekick if someone asks what you want to be.
#15: Should not say that Batman's so called superpower is his super dark mood.
Damian stared at Dick. "That's stupid."
"But true," Dick argued.
Tim cringed, as much as he did not want to admit it, but Dick was right.
#16: Should not stay outside when it snows or rains, saying that "Robin doesn't get sick." It's not even logical.
This time Tim and Damian stared at Dick. Feeling self conscious, Dick asked, "What?"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Tim commented, "And I've heard many stupid things."
"Even coming from you, that's stupid, Grayson," Damian said.
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Dick protested.
"Exactly what it means," Damian answered smoothly. Tim nodded in agreement.
"I learned that from Bruce, who said he couldn't get sick because he was the Batman."
"Yeah, right," Tim said sarcastically.
"I'm not lying!"
#17: You should not insist that you have pneumonia when you actually have a cold.
#18: Nor should you insist that you only have a cold when you actually have pneumonia.
At Tim's questioning glance, Dick said, "I don't want to confine to bed."
Tim nodded in understanding while Damian snorted, mumbling something that suspiciously sounded like "Stupid."
#19: You should never, ever, run away from home, then proceed to send a mail, or email, or post card, saying that you are kidnapped by the Joker, or Riddler, or any villain, really. In fact, you should never run away in the first place. Period!
"I thought he hated me," Dick explained, "which then I knew was not true."
"Please, Dick, even moron could see how much Bruce loves you," Tim said.
Dick frowned, "Are you implying that back then I was even stupider than a moron?"
"I'm not saying that," Tim said, grinning.
#20: Should not ask one of the girls I'm currently dating whether she loves me or my money.
#21: When the girl is smart enough to ask back if I love her or her body, you should not grin smugly and say, "Isn't that obvious?"
#22: Should not refer to any of my girlfriends or ex-girlfriends as Ms. Bitchy. Even if it's true!
"You seem to dislike Bruce's girlfriends," Tim observed.
Dick snorted. "Dislike is an understatement. I downright hate them."
Tim hummed in response.
"Those girls are useless, not to mention annoying," Damian said in a rare moment of agreement.
"And you, out of all people, will understand that perfectly, won't you?" Tim asked, teasing, blue eyes gleamed with mischief. "After all, you're the one who…"
"Shut it, Drake!" Damian snapped, jumping across Dick to get to Tim to shut him up before he could blabber.
Tim evaded Damian's attack easily enough, laughing all the way. He turned to look at Dick and asked, a knowing glint on his eyes, "Have you ever wondered why you can't seem to find a lasting girlfriend, Dick?"
"Now you mention it…" Dick trailed off. "You can't be the reason, can you, Little D?" he asked, looking at his youngest brother with one eyebrow raised questioningly.
Damian crossed his arms, looking away. "They're annoying," was all he said, as if it justified his action.
Dick rolled his eyes, "I should've known."
"You angry?" Damian asked. He acted like his usual arrogant holier-than-thou self, but Dick could see the slight uneasiness in his body language.
"Of course not," Dick smiled warmly, ruffling Damian's hair affectionately. Damian swatted Dick's hand away, muttering angrily something about not being a child, though Tim swore he could see his smile. "You're right anyway, they're kinda annoying."
Tim rolled his eyes at that. "You're spoiling the brat, Dick," he informed his oldest brother.
"You're just jealous, Drake," Damian said, grinning triumphantly at Tim.
Tim narrowed his eyes. "Why you little…"
#23: You should not consume a lot of sugar before patrol, or before bed. In fact, you're banned from consuming a lot of sugar, ever!
Tim stared at Dick, "A hyper you…" he trailed off.
"It's a nightmare, indeed," Damian continued.
#24: You should not sing random cheerful tone and claim that it is Batman's theme song.
Tim raised an eyebrow.
Damian rolled his eyes. "Theme song, Grayson? How childish can you be?"
Dick grinned. "If Superman can have one, surely Batman can have one too!" was his cheery answer.
"Only you, Dick, only you," Tim said, shaking his head fondly at his brother.
#25: Nor should you write a random song and title it "Batman." No, I'm not jealous over Super Scout Boy's song. No, I don't act though.
Tim and Damian stared.
"What?" Dick finally asked.
"Can you even make a song?" Tim asked, frowning.
"Hey! Of course I can!" Dick said.
"I doubt that," Damian snorted, "Though I want to see the result. If your singing alone can blast people's ears off, I want to see what your singing your own song will do."
"It's not that bad," Dick protested.
"Worse," Damian was quick to say.
"Damian…" Dick whined.
#26: You should not repeat whatever cuss words you hear from villains.
#26 (revised): You should not repeat whatever cuss words you hear from ANYONE.
"Why was it revised?" Tim asked.
Dick looked away sheepishly. "Ah, I cursed right after that one made."
"Right away?" Tim asked incredulously.
Dick grimaced. "Right before Bruce."
"That's beyond stupid," Damian commented not-so-nicely, rolling his eyes.
"Well, in my defense, I'll say that I didn't hear that particular cuss word from a villain," Dick said. And before Tim and Damian asked from whom, he said, grinning cheekily, "Bruce." At his brothers' disbelieving stares, he laughed. "Bruce did swear you know, especially when he was younger. Where do you think I learned all those creative curses, huh?"
#27: Should not take the Batmobile to any of Car Modification Fest.
"You should've seen how many girls I managed to attract when I brought her to the fest. She's so wicked!" Dick gushed, grinning widely.
"Is she?" Damian asked, voice a dangerous low hiss, blue eyes flashing.
Dick nodded, before continuing his story vigorously, oblivious to Damian's growing killing aura.
"Okay, next!" Tim said, changing the subject before Damian snapped and chose to do anything drastic, like hunting all those girls down.
#28: You should never take Robin Wing to any illegal races. And no, it does NOT mean you can take it to any legal races.
"Was there many girls there as well, Grayson?" Damian asked snarkily.
#29: You should not send any suspicious looking box to the Joker just because, I quote, "But he always sends us those too!" You should not send it to his lackeys either, just because Joker knows better that to open them.
"Dick…" Tim sounded scandalized, while Damian was looking at him with newfound respect.
"Well, anything short of killing, right?" Dick defended himself, though he looked sheepish.
#30: Nor should you give your so-called "Christmas Gift" to any villain, especially if that gift consists of, but not limited on, itching powder.
"Hey! I was ten, alright?"
#31: Should not throw a bucket of cold water to a bunch of unsuspecting villains on the first of April. Or any day, really.
When Tim just stared at him incredulously (or in Damian's case as if he were incredulously stupid), Dick grinned. "April Fools tradition."
"Figures…" Tim said, rolling his eyes.
#32: You should never imitate the Joker's laugh, or any villain for that matter. Especially, in front of said villain.
#33: Nor should you make your own trademark laughter just because, I quote, "If every villain can have their own trademark laugh, why can't I?"
#34: You should not ask the Joker how long it takes to put his "make up" on.
#35: You should not, under any circumstances, spread the rumor that Joker is gay and has it bad for Batman.
Tim and Damian stared.
"What? His obsession with Batman is just not normal!" Dick cried out.
"Tell me one thing about Joker that's categorized as normal," Tim deadpanned, arms crossed across his chest.
"My point exactly."
#36: You are forbidden from saying that, "Two Face is grammatically wrong. Should not it be Two Faces?" then proceed to mispronounce "faces" with "feces", especially in front of Two Face's face (No, Robin, that's not a pun).
"Ask away, Timmy, you know you want to," Dick encouraged, grinning all the while.
Tim rolled his eyes, though he didn't deny Dick's accusation either, he would be lying if he said he wasn't curious. "So, how did he react?" he asked.
Dick's grin turned smug, annoyingly so. "He gaped, and gaped, and gaped some more. That was one of the quickest arrests that was ever made!"
#37: Should not ask Poison Ivy if she is an extreme environmentalist.
#38: Should not ask her for tips on gardening.
#39: Nor should you ask her to be our gardener.
"You did?" Tim asked in disbelief.
"What? She's hot!" Dick defended himself.
"Poison Ivy, eh? Let's see if she's immune to my poison," Damian said, expression dark, blue eyes gleamed dangerously.
#40: Should not ask who, or what, her husband is if the plants are her "babies".
#41: Should not ask where babies come from, especially if you already know damn well where.
"You should've seen his face! It was so red, I was sure it was on fire!"
#42: You should not riddle the Riddler before he can riddle us. Especially with his own riddles.
#43: Should not say the Riddler's riddles are lame. Even though they are.
#44: Nor should you tell him that I think that his riddles are lame.
#45: Should not dye your hair green and claim that you are the Riddler's long lost brother.
"You do realize that the Riddler doesn't have green hair, right?" Tim asked.
"Of course," Dick answered indignantly.
"Then why…?" Tim trailed off.
"Because he has obsession with the color green," Dick said simply as if it was the most obvious thing.
Tim and Damian stared.
"Because that makes perfect sense," Damian said sarcastically.
#46: You should not ask the Riddler to help with your homework, saying you will let him go if he does. Or order him, or threaten him.
"Would you really let him go, if he did help?" Tim asked curiously.
"Of course not," Dick said, as if the answer should have been obvious.
"That's… sly, Dick," Tim said, not knowing if he should be surprised or awed.
"I knew it," Damian said, a smug grin on his face.
#47: Should not shout "Freeze" at Mr. Freeze then proceed to laugh your head off.
"That's so lame," Damian commented.
"Brutally honest as always," Tim said, grinning.
"That's not so nice," Dick protested.
"It's not," Damian agreed, though he was quick to say, "but it's true."
"Damian…" Dick whined.
Damian smirked. Tim chuckled. They shared a triumphant grin before remembering who the other was and they glared at each other.
#48: You should not shoot a water gun at Mr. Freeze for no reason. Scratch that, even if you have a good reason, you're still forbidden to so it. And no, to see if he will melt is NOT a good reason.
#49: Nor should you shoot him with a bazooka when water gun doesn't work. Or a flamethrower.
Damian narrowed his eyes at Dick, who looked away with a sheepish smile on his face. "And you had the nerve to lecture me about not killing, about not overstepping the line?" Damian spat venomously.
Dick smiled weakly, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "Well, in my defense, I'll say that I was young and didn't know any better."
#50: You should not ask him to freeze your drink either. We have a refrigerator for a reason you know.
#51: Nor should you ask him to be your personal freezer.
"I won't even comment on that one," Tim said, shaking his head as if Dick was a helpless case.
Damian snorted. "Agreed."
#52: You should not ask Mr. Freeze if a freezer is his father, or brother, or son, or cousin. In fact, Mr. Freeze does NOT have any familial relationship with a freezer. Freezers are an inanimate objects, for goodness' sake!
"And here I thought you couldn't get any stupider."
#53: Should not call a Penguin as if you want to call a dog, or a cat, or a bird, or any animal really, even penguin. Penguin is just his alias, stupid as it is.
#54: Should not ask him if he has his rabies shot. Then say that you forget that Penguin does not have rabies after Penguin throws temper tantrum of epic proportion. And I know you don't forget that penguins don't get rabies.
#55: You should never ask Penguin if you can "hire" him to play in your circus, even if you want to build a circus of your own (which I doubt).
#56: YOU SHOULD NEVER GET KIDNAPPED OR GET SHOT –EITHER BY DART OR BOW OR GUN— OR GET KNIFED IN THE GUTS, OR ANYWHERE REALLY, OR GET CAUGHT IN AN EXPLOSION OR GET WOUNDED IN ANY WAY. EVER!
"Is this for real?" Tim asked, looking at Dick.
Dick just shrugged. "He put that one down on one of his major overprotective moods," he said, as if that would explain everything. And in a way, it did.
"Wow. It's just… wow," Tim breathed in wonder. "It's not like you wanted to get hurt."
"That's what I said. But did he listen? No, of course not."
"Never thought he could act so irrationally. Let alone that irrational," Tim shook his head in disbelief.
"That's Bruce for you," Dick grinned.
Damian snorted. "With how stupidly willing you are to put yourself in the line of fire, I suppose father's worry was, is justified."
Dick groaned. "Not you too, Dami. I can take care of myself just fine!"
Another snort from Damian. "I doubt that."
#57: Should not throw away ALL of my health drinks, only to replace them with alcoholic drinks. Then, proceed to drink them.
"A drunk you…" Tim trailed off.
"That's a frightening thought indeed," Damian agreed, nodding.
#58: Invent a truth serum, saying that it is for night work, then use it on ME.
"You could make it? Truth serum?" Tim asked, his tone was a mix of surprised awe and suspicion.
Dick rolled his eyes. "Of course. It was a piece of cake. I learned from the best after all."
#59: And proceed to ask if I love you, again and again and again and… Oh, you get the idea.
"And… What was his response?" Tim asked curiously.
"Glowering and glaring ice daggers," Dick said, a wide grin on his face.
"And…?" Tim prompted, knowing there was more to it.
Dick's grin widened. "And indignant 'of course!'"
"You still remember how to make it?" Damian asked.
Dick was beaming. "Of course!"
The three of them shared a devious grin. The Batman would not know what hit him.
#60: You should NEVER say that that Super Stupid Wind-bag and I look like an old married couple! Period!
"It doesn't make sense," Tim said, more to himself than anything, "They bicker all the time."
"My point exactly!" Dick exclaimed, grinning.
#61: Nor should you call him mommy. What are you trying to imply?
"Yeah, what are you trying to imply?" Tim asked.
"Nothing," Dick was quick to answer. Too quick. Tim narrowed his eyes at him. "It's just that Clark could be a mother hen sometimes."
"Really?" Damian asked, eyes narrowed in suspicious.
Dick cracked a grin. "That's what I said to Bruce. In fact, well… It's just fun to see him so annoyed in so little time with so little effort."
Damian rolled his eyes. "I knew it."
#62: Should never spread the false rumor that the more I insult someone, the more I like them. You do notice how often I insult that overgrown Scout Boy, right?
#63: You should not tell the League when my birthday is, then proceed to plan a birthday party, secretly or otherwise.
"You planned a birthday party for Bruce?" Tim tilted his head to a side questioningly.
"Ah, technically, it was for Batman, but I guess it's just the same…" Dick trailed off.
"I bet it ended badly," Damian said.
Dick's lips twitched, as if he did not know if he should smile or grimace. "Eh, you can say that…"
#64: You should not ask any villain, especially the major player, who is the best amongst them, knowing full well that they will fight for "The Best" title.
#65: Don't plead, don't beg, don't pout, don't squeal, don't giggle, don't grin, don't snuggle, don't glomp, and do NOT yield puppy eyes on me!
"And why did you do all that?" Damian asked skeptically, arms crossed across his chest.
"That's the fastest way to stop Bruce from being too angry with me after I pull a prank on him," Dick answered.
"Figures," Damian rolled his eyes.
"Now we've completed phase one," Dick said in mock formal tone, "Should we proceed to phase two, gentlemen?"
The matching mischievous grins on his brothers' faces were all the answer he needed.
The next morning…
It was a calm morning, where sun was shining and birds were singing, until…
The bright sun ray fell on Bruce's face, warming it, waking him. He blinked awake before stretching. On a beautiful morning such as this, it was acceptable if he took a moment to ponder about his life. His life surely was not perfect, but it was good.
He had a satisfying job as Head of Wayne Enterprise, an even more satisfying job as Batman and he had great children, flawed as they were.
It was with a smile on his face he walked to the bathroom, though his smile only stayed until he caught his reflection on the mirror.
There was an addition of cat's whiskers on his face, three on each of his cheeks.
His eye twitched. He knew who did it.
"RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON!"
Meanwhile, in Dick's room…
"Finally awake," Dick snickered as he heard Bruce's echoing yell of frustration. "Oh, it's been years since he called me by my full name," he cackled.
"You're so dead, Grayson," Damian said.
"As much as I hate to agree with Demon Child here, he's right," Tim said, ignoring the glare of doom Damian threw his way.
"Nah, he loves me too much to kill me," Dick said, waving his hand dismissively. "Besides," his eyes glinted, "if I go down, I'll take you two with me."
A moment later, living room…
Bruce sat, arms crossed, glaring at his oldest son who seated in front of him, one of his younger brothers on each of his side.
Dick beamed at him, acting innocent. Tim looked away, trying to hide his amused smile, Bruce knew. And Damian… The kid had the nerve to smirk openly at him, snickering.
Bruce sighed, knowing that even without the addition of cat's whiskers on his face and his ridiculous bright pink hair, his glare had no effects whatsoever towards his oldest son. The cheerful young man had lived with him for so long, he had become immune to any kind of his glare.
"I thought you said you're going to keep the list, Dick?" Bruce asked wearily.
"I did, but I said nothing about not doing things written on it," was Dick's cheery answer, as he smiled brightly.
Bruce's eye twitched. Damn little bastard...
"Beside, that," Dick pointed at the whiskers on Bruce's cheeks, "is not on the list. Not to mention I'm no longer Robin, so that list doesn't apply to me anymore."
Bruce's eye twitched again. As much as he hated to admit it, but Dick had a point. "Aren't you too old for pranks?"
Dick laughed. "No one's too old to prank Batman, the greatest detective ever," he said, his smile was annoyingly bright for Bruce. "And for your info, I said nothing about not sharing it either," his blue eyes gleamed mischievously.
Bruce's eyes narrowed at Dick, who just beamed at him. He then turned his gaze at Tim, who looked away, refusing to meet his eyes, before his eyes finally landed on his youngest son, who looked back at him fearlessly, head tilted back in challenging manner.
"You. Are. Grounded," Bruce said through gritted teeth.
"What? You can't ground me, Bruce! I'm an adult now!" Dick protested, standing up from his seat.
Bruce regarded him calmly. "What, you're too old to get grounded, but not too old to prank me?"
"YOU ARE FIRED!"
Dick cringed, pulling his phone away from his ear. His boss' —or should he said ex-boss— shrill scream made his sensitive ear ring.
"How was it going?" Damian asked, a smirk on his face.
Dick glared half-heartedly at his youngest brother. "You heard it yourself."
"Apparently grounded is not good reason enough not to come to work, huh?" Damian's smirk widened. It was clear he was enjoying this.
Dick glowered at no one in particular. "I'll get Bruce back for this."
"You do realize that you brought this upon yourself, right?" Tim asked.
"I know," Dick waved his hand dismissively. "I just need a reason to prank Bruce."
Tim smiled dryly at that. "I thought you didn't need any reason whatsoever?"
"Well, having reason just makes it more interesting," Dick shrugged.
"Sometimes I wonder if you're suicidal," Tim commented, shaking his head, though there was a faint fond smile on his lips.
Dick rubbed his hands together, grinning widely all the while. "It's time to call for reinforcement."
"Reinforcement?" Damian asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.
Tim's eyes widened as realization started to dawn on him. "You don't think… Please tell me you don't think what I think you're thinking!"
"That depends on what you think I'm thinking, Timmy," Dick said in sing-a song voice.
"What are you talking about?" Damian demanded impatiently.
Dick grinned. "Three words, baby brother: the rogue birdie."
Jason was not pleased coming home to find that Daddy Bat had not only located him but had even broken into his apartment. The bundle of freshly printed papers on his couch was proof enough.
He took the papers, wondering what they were, and he raised his eyebrows when he noticed the title that was written in font size of at least twenty four, bolded and underlined.
THINGS ROBIN(S) AND/OR EX-ROBIN(S) SHOULD NEVER DO (REVISED)
That's the abuse of caps lock, he thought, smirking slightly as he remembered the time when he had helped Dick making the list longer. He flipped through the pages, scanning the words, noticing additions here and there that had not been there the last time he saw the list.
There was one rule that stood out to him.
#69: You should not conspire with your brothers, friends, or anyone really.
Conspire? He could not help but wonder, before he remembered the existence of two certain little birds that worshipped Dick. Two little corruptible birds, he thought, smirking. He shook his head. Poor Bruce. Dick alone on his crazy prank spree was bad enough. With the help of two birds, Jason was sure he was unstoppable. Then again, it was Bruce, the Batman, he was against.
One thing for sure, it would get interesting.
So when he found another message on the back of the list, written in Dick's chicken scrawl: Want to join the fun? He did not doubt his answer for a second.
Jason smirked, Bruce will not know what hit him.
Thank you for reading. For those who are waiting for Villains' Guidelines' sequel, be patient please. I'm working on it.
Note: on Rule #14, yes, Superman is worse than the Joker. Lol.
I got the idea for Rule #63 from anakinlove's Batman's Birthday, check it out. It's good.
Which one is your favorite? Mine is #56 and #69.
With that said, Bliss out.