xLollitaa: I'm back! Oh my goodness, I owe every single one of you guys an apology for not writing for so long. I'm so sorry! You see, last time I updated was summer and that was when my uncle came over to stay for a month. And then school started and I was performing in a play, practicing for two hours every day. Giving me almost no room for homework and writing just couldn't fit in. I then joined the school band and I'm involved in many other things. I'm so sorry, it may happen again since another play is starting soon and I'll be involved in it, but this time I'm going to try harder to write more.
To the story! It's quite yucky. It's about Raito-kun (eighteen years old, has not been corrupted from the Death Note) and he's involved with fourteen year old Ryuzaki. If you keep in mind of the ages, the story is really gross. But then again, I really wanted to write a gross story this time so please bear with me. Well, please [hopefully] enjoy and let's get started, shall we?
Please Don't Smile
I certainly didn't hate Ryuzaki. It was more like I wasn't allowed to hate him, and I didn't. I like every aspect of him, the cute way he sits and how he only craves for sweets. I like his messy hair that I could pat (and make even more tangled.) His eyes were wide and his skin was white. He is very intelligent, very intelligent for his age.
I like him; I like him as a friend. I don't believe that I have ever been caught in an argument with him before. I like him. But the only thing that I don't like is the way he smiles at me. The way he smiles at me with his lips stretched upon his pale face. The way his wide black eyes look at me when he smiles. The way his messy hair droops down to his forehead when he smiles at me like that. Everything about him changes when he smiles at me like that. Everything about him, everything I like about him starts to break, and turn into something I actually don't favour. Somehow, it feels more than a 'dislike.' It feels more like… Hate.
Which is confusing because I certainly don't hate Ryuzaki.
Ryuzaki's parents and my parents have known each other for a long time now. I don't know how many years to be exact but I'm sure they knew each other for awhile now. They looked at one another as family, not as friends. And that is why it is essential for both Ryuzaki and I to be friends the way our parents are.
I remember the day Ryuzaki was born. I was only four, but I remember that day quite vividly. He was tiny; blood staining on his body after being trapped in his mother for so long. I remember how my mother tapped my shoulder while Ryuzaki was taking his first breaths. That tap meant something. It meant that I would be taking responsibility of that crying boy who just experienced life for the first time in the future.
Every day after school Ryuzaki would come over to my house with a smile. He smiled in a way that was unnatural, but at the same time real. My sister Sayu adored Ryuzaki and she gave him a hug every time he stepped into the house. Then Ryuzaki would hug her back with that same smile. Although, in some way he was not at all smiling to her – he was smiling to something else. It was like he was smiling to me. It grew so painful for me to watch him hug my sister and not even think about her while hugging her, but rather to be thinking about me while embracing her.
Since I am responsible of both the two younger ones I tend to treat myself like an adult. I'm only eighteen, yes, I'm still young indeed. Sayu is in third grade still trying to learn simple division and Ryuzaki just started high school this year. Although, he's so odd and has this child-like sweet tooth that I sometimes mistake him as a sixth grader.
Sixth grader, huh – Ryuzaki tells me that in his class students still have the IQ of sixth graders. I once thought he was one of them. I didn't think that Ryuzaki was the brightest kid in the class. Every weekday during the school year in the past he would ask me to help him with his homework. It seemed like he didn't know anything. I remember when we tried to do algebra.
"Ryuzaki, look at the equation. What do you think you should do first?"
"I don't know."
He said it with a blank face. He looked up at me, gazing at my features. It worried me so I tried to keep the math conversation up.
"Don't you think you should add to the negative number so it can equal zero?"
"I don't know."
Again and again.
"Now we're halfway there. Do you think you should divide or multiply now? Look at the exponent."
"I don't know."
He had the same blank mask and the same bored tone. It would take me at least three hours to help Ryuzaki with his homework a day because he didn't know anything. Also because I had to help Sayu with some things in between but most of the time she didn't need my assistance for anything.
Yes, I really did believe that Ryuzaki was behind in his schoolwork considering his need for me to help all the time. Until one day, he came over explaining how he was drained from physical education. I allowed him to take a nap in my room. He told me to stay there with him until he was asleep. It took me quite a while until I could agree. But everything went his way; he fell asleep within twenty minutes. I crawled out of my bed and headed downstairs to see what Sayu was up to. She was wasting her time watching television.
Something struck me. It was Ryuzaki's bag. Black. It was the colour of his messy hair. There was nothing on the bag, no pins, no stickers, he didn't let anyone sign their name on his bag and he didn't even imprint his name on his bag. It was just blank. A black bag sitting around in the corner, waiting to be opened at some point.
I opened it. He wasn't organised at all. Papers weren't exactly crumbled but they looked like they were about to explode out of his binder. And then I saw an orange envelope. It had his name on it in bold and capital letters. It was his report card. I didn't know what to expect.
Every single box on the page was checked off under 'A+.' It shocked me. All this time I thought Ryuzaki was just a kid that needed tutoring. Intense tutoring, that was. Was he pretending this whole time? And why – why would he waste three hours of precious time every day?
It took me a while to figure it out but... he did it for me.
There was a knock on the door, it was quite silent. Two quiet knocks, which meant Ryuzaki was here. It was like his 'signature entrance.' I turned the knob to see a boy. Messy black hair with a pale face and wide eyes. He gazed up at me. Before he could say anything Sayu came running into his arms.
"Ryuzaki-kun, you're here!" she squealed. He wrapped his arms around her, it was difficult because she was so short. His hugs were not tight, nor were they lousy. It wasn't the perfect hug and it wasn't the worst. And even though his arms were around her, his eyes were around me. He inspected my features. He smiled.
That smile murdered everything. There was nothing cute about this scene anymore, nothing cute about two children hugging. Everything died right there. Like the instant a flower is picked out of the ground – that's it. The life is gone. The flower would still have its beautiful futures on its outside shell, but inside there was nothing. Everything vanished. The embrace was there, the warmth was still there. To the eye, yes indeed, it was still there. But when looking past that, the whole scene was dead. Why is he smiling at me like that? Nothing was wrong with the smile but him smiling like that was nightmarish.
They finally let go, what was just seconds seemed like hours.
"Hello, Sayu," the ninth grader said. His voice was like candy. Sweet; and sometimes, a little bit too sweet. "How was your day?"
"My day was awesome! The teacher said that I am her favourite student in her class. She says I'm so smart and I'm so pretty! Do you think that's true, Ryuzaki-kun?" her high pitched voice exclaimed. Lies. I'm sure all those words were lies. No teacher has time to say who their favourite student is and who is not. No teacher has any relation to the student other than to teach them, of course. It was a job to make those kids happy while learning. The teacher has problems of her own. Sayu is pretty, yes. But then again it is a matter of personal preference; the teacher may think that Sayu is unattractive.
Ryuzaki patted her head. "I believe those words." Again, his voice was sweet. I can't tell if he's lying or not, he turned to look at me. "Raito-san, how was your day?"
"It was the usual," I said casually. "Ryuzaki come inside, are you hungry?"
His feet landed on the small rug and began to peel off his shoes, showing his bare feet when they were stripped off. Ryuzaki didn't particularly like socks, even when it was winter time he didn't like them. He said that they are uncomfortable and there would be no point of wearing them if his shoes were going to cover them. "All socks are good at are getting dirty, getting wet and getting ripped," he told me.
"Whatever you have that is sweet is good enough, Raito-san. But there's no need for food. I had lunch a few hours ago, thank you."
He was always so polite. It worried me sometimes; I wondered how and why he matured that quickly. Maturity can only be gained when one has suffered enough to know that they have to leave their other self behind. Never leave them completely, of course, but leave them enough so that they are able to think in a different way and angle.
"We have green tea ice-cream," I informed while I hear Sayu's stomping on the floor, making way to her room. "Would you like some?"
"Maybe after homework," he answered. "We're reviewing physics again."
"Oh, how fun," I said sarcastically. "If it's review, do you need my help?"
"We're also learning about government," he added onto the list, pretending as if he never heard my question. That just meant 'Yes, Raito-san, I would like it if you could help me today. And tomorrow. And the next day...'
As usual, I sat to his left. Legs crossed and pencil in hand and 'tutoring' him, even though I am aware he already knows the context.
"Ryuzaki, what is the formula to find mass?" I tested.
"I don't know," he replied with his hollow voice and blank face.
"Look at your notes. Do you have them with you?"
"I didn't think taking notes was necessary."
I raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"
"Because it's all review."
"So why are you here with me now?"
"Because I forgot over half of the content." Lies, he probably knows all of the content.
"Ryuzaki... You should always bring your notes home just in case you need them for reference," I mumbled.
"I'll forget," he turned to me and stared. "Besides, isn't Raito-san helping more convenient?"
I gulped – what is he implying? "Ryuzaki, you can't possibly need me to help you with homework every day... Who's going to help you when I'm not there?"
"I'll do it myself."
"Then you need to practice doing things yourself, starting now," I kept my voice calm, but I was honestly furious with how clingy this child was. "C'mon, you know what to do. What's the formula to find the mass?"
"I don't know."
He sighed and picked up his pencil and finished the current question we were working on. After that he put the writing utensil down and stuffed his papers in his folder.
"What are you doing?" I asked the boy, confused. "You didn't even finish the packet."
"I'm finishing my homework when I get home tonight. After all, homework is for home, right, Raito-san?" he kept his cool in his tone. I wasn't sure if he was angry at me for telling him that I wouldn't be helping him as frequently or if he didn't care.
"You don't have to –" I tried to explain, but was cut off.
"Raito-san, I think PE has tired me today. I'm going to go take a nap on the couch."
"You can go and take a nap on my bed." It was like I was trying to make it up to him or bribe him. I don't know, but what I do know is that I was feeling guilty. Or perhaps he was just being an average teenager.
"There will be no need for that, Raito-san." He quietly walked off, footsteps could not be heard. Nor could I hear his heart pounding or his breathing. He never turned around. What I could hear was him plopping himself on the couch, but that was it. I wondered if he was actually sleeping.
Ryuzaki's parents would be back at the house by at least eighteen o'clock. But of course, rush hour is going on at that time. Sometimes they would arrive no later than eighteen-fifteen if there was an accident along the highway. There were no accidents today, no rain to make cautious drivers drive slower than usual and no construction work along the highway. So Ryuzaki's parents came along at the right time.
His parents never really had an opinion on me. They would just drop by, say hello while Ryuzaki packed up and put on his shoes, say goodbye, and walk out the door. They never really liked me, they just liked my parents. Yes, they would compliment me once in a while after hearing my parents brag about how well I do in school, but other than that they never actually thought of me as anything. I guess they just saw me as 'that son of my best friends who takes care of Ryuzaki after school and does well in his academic life.'
"Hello, I'm back!" Ryuzaki's mother sang, directing the words towards her son, with her ebony black hair resting on her shoulders. Ryuzaki's hair, too, was black, but not thin like his mother's. His hair was more like his father's – thick and easily tangled. But his father took better care of his hair by brushing it every morning. "Hello, Raito-kun."
I bowed, "Hello, how are you?" She inspected me. How I dressed, how I bowed my head, how I looked – she doesn't usually do that unless she wants me to do her a favour. For example, a few years ago she stared at me like that the day before she needed me to attend a birthday party with Ryuzaki as his guardian. His parents weren't happy with the thought of letting him go alone.
"I'm well. Say, Raito-kun, tomorrow is Friday, no?"
"Yes. It is."
"Are you busy? Going out with friends or eating out with the family?" she listed.
I shook my head. "No, ma'am. Is there something you need?"
Ryuzaki finished packing up and putting on his coat. He began to grab his shoes and slip them on his feet. He glanced up at me with his black eyes. It wasn't like usual, though. Usually he would look at me with sad eyes, as if he didn't want to go home and would rather stay at my house. Today he just looked angry at me. I guess I should choose my words more carefully when I'm with him...
"There is," she began to sing. That meant there was a whole story coming up. "You see, my husband and I need to run a couple of errands in Northern Kanto. And you know the drive there – takes too long. Ryuzaki needs to stay home, it would tire him if we just dragged him along, correct?" She paused. She was waiting for me to say something. Instead, I gave her a simple nod as reassurance that we were at the same page. "And Ryuzaki needs to practice piano at home. His lessons are on Saturday in the afternoon and usually he takes time on Friday nights to make up for the days he hasn't practiced. There's no piano here, right?"
"No, I don't own any instrument other than the violin and cello. Sorry."
"And that is exactly why I need you to stay with Ryuzaki at our house tomorrow night. We'll be back at eleven thirty on Saturday. You can babysit Ryuzaki for a night, can't you?" The phrase did not come out as a question, but rather as a command. There was only one answer to this command, and that was the simple word 'yes.' Before I could say anything, Ryuzaki started to speak.
"Mom, I don't like it when you say 'babysit.' It makes me seem like a child."
Understanding Ryuzaki's mother's style of speaking, when to speak, and a little sense of what was going to come out of her mouth, I spat: "Yes, I suppose I can make it. I would have to talk to my parents first, but I'm sure they would allow me to," before she could go on saying 'Oh honey, calm down, you'll always be my little boy,' or a phrase like that.
Her pale and bony yet soft hand was placed on Ryuzaki's shoulder. She was a tall woman, but Ryuzaki was almost at her height, but he's still growing. I was exactly eye level with his mother, so in a way it's a fifty-fifty chance Ryuzaki and I at one point will be the same height. Unless he has his father's genes – his father is quite tall. Taller than me and certainly taller than my father.
"Yes, I will call them for you, Raito-kun," she spoke with her soft and delicate voice. "Just make sure that tomorrow you pick up Ryuzaki at his school or meet up with him somewhere and take the bus or walk over to our house, okay?"
"Yes," I said awkwardly. Ryuzaki was already finished with putting on his shoes. His mother turned around and grabbed Ryuzaki's arm, they attached themselves to one another, both backs facing me.
"Thank you, Raito-kun, I'll see you soon," she sang again. "What do you say, Ryuzaki?"
"...Thank you," he whispered. They walked out the door.
That's it. No 'Raito-kun,' no smile – nothing. Just the sound of a pair of high heels and sneakers against the hard ground and the noise of a door when it opens and closes. I can't at all say I'm pleased with this, at least Ryuzaki's learning how to be independent for once in his life. Now I don't need to hold onto his hand, or rather, it was more like I was carrying him his whole life through. And yet, here I am, still feeling unhappy about what had just happened, even though it was barely noticeable.
"...Thank you." And that was it.
I can't say that I am at all pleased, but I can say that I feel somewhat guilty.
Like I was told to do so, I picked up Ryuzaki at his school. I lied to my teacher and said I had a doctor's appointment that was unexpectedly rescheduled and I had to go thirty minutes before class was over. During that time, I walked to Ryuzaki's school. It was warm outside and some exercise wouldn't hurt. I mean, why would I need to waste money if the school is basically a few blocks away?
Ryuzaki and I took the bus to the stop closest to his house. We then walked for another fifteen minutes and arrived to a fairly large house. We didn't even speak once to each other on the way there. He took out his key and inserted it into the hole; from there he turned the knob. We were welcomed into the kitchen as he opened the door. We walked in and were standing on a medium-sized crème coloured rug. Ryuzaki pointed to the shelf of shoes in the corner of the kitchen. He didn't want to talk to me, but I understood him. It meant that I would place my shoes there. I nodded and delicately placed my dark brown cheap-leather shoes at the very corner of the shelf.
There was the shuffling sound of Ryuzaki's jacket as he was taking it off. That was probably the only sound that came from the boy since he walked out of the school entrance doors.
"Are you hungry?" I nervously asked while trying to diminish the long silence, and not to mention awkward. "Your parents said that there's leftover Udon in the fridge."
"No," he replied while shaking his head.
"I'm sure there's cake in the fridge too," I teased, hoping that his reaction would be a happier one.
"I'm not hungry," he declared. Having enough of what he thought was a pointless and ridiculous conversation he grabbed his black bag and started walking away from the kitchen.
I had no idea what he was doing upstairs in his room but I didn't really care either. I passed an hour with doing my homework. The work was ridiculously easy. I still don't understand how other students in my class struggle grasping the concepts of this work. I closed my history book and put all my papers away.
I wonder what Ryuzaki's doing upstairs, I began to think. Debating whether or not I should check on him, I walked up the stairs to find Ryuzaki playing around on his laptop. I stood at the door; his pale face that was absorbed into the laptop was all I could see. But I could not see what was on the laptop.
"What are you doing?" I asked him.
"Homework," he replied, not taking his eyes off the computer screen.
"Writing an essay?" I questioned.
"Yeah." His black orbs were stuck onto the screen. If he were writing and essay, his fingers would have been dancing upon the keyboard. But all Ryuzaki was doing was pressing the down arrow and clicking his mouse pad. Maybe he was playing a game.
Usually, I don't go deep into what people do on the computer, but since it was my job to take care of Ryuzaki, it kind of was like an obligation to know what he's doing.
"Ryuzaki," I began, "Take both hands off the keyboard and mouse pad," I commanded. Without flinching or even taking another click or press of a button, he did as I said. "Show me what's on the screen." Calmly he rotated the laptop one hundred and eighty degrees so that I was able to see what was there.
At first glimpse you immediately think he's reading online manga. But as I took a closer look at what was happening on this page and started reading the dialogue, the truth hit me suddenly like a lightning bolt.
"Why..." my voice wavering with half disgust and half confusion. "...What are you reading?"
"Would you like me to read this doujinshi out loud for you?" He was using a high pitched tone, utterly fake and only showed me that he was annoyed. At this moment he was being an average, growing, teenager. Rebellious, holds too much pride for his body to even contain, and thinks he is 'the shit.'
"Ryuzaki! This is R-18 context! You shouldn't be reading –"
"Raito-san, please don't make it so that it seems like you've never read this type of stuff before."
He looked at me with that face again.
Blood started to boil quickly in my body. It wasn't what he said that got me in a raged condition; it was that face he made. It was a smile. Nothing out of the ordinary – it was just a smile. Not that the smile was fake that got me in this state, it was... It was...
"But it doesn't make it right for you to read this kind of stuff."
"It's not bad either, I'm just curious."
The black and white graphic images stained the screen with scenes of two males having sex. One was giving and one was taking. One was panting and one was gasping for air as each thrust went hard and rough inside of him. The dialogue was nothing but 'ah's and 'nn's.
"Wouldn't it make sense just to research on it instead? I understand that at this age you want to find out about stuff like this, but why not go do something other than this?"
"This is research," he snapped.
"No, like to read an article or –"
Ryuzaki closed his laptop with great force where it made a loud slamming sound. He created a fist that was shaking in aggravation. His eyes were starting to turn red, but I was unsure if he was going to cry or if his entire body was covered with anger.
"Raito-san, please get out of my room," he hesitated between words. "You don't know anything; you don't know what I have to go through. To me reading this kind of stuff is not for pleasure." His voice sounded like it was beginning to weep.
"Then what is it for?"
He paused. Only a few sniffles came out of him. His head hung down. "...Get out," he finally said. He began to allow tears to fall. It wasn't that I thought that he needed alone time, I think I was the one who needed alone time. I didn't think I would allow myself to see him like that.
As eighteen o'clock came around the corner, I was dreading to do the simple action of calling Ryuzaki down to dinner. Since that incident in his room, the wall was built between us. He didn't go downstairs even once and of course I had no courage to take a trip upstairs. So for the past few hours, I was unaware of what that boy was doing. I don't know if he continued reading or if he shut down his laptop completely. In all honesty, I don't even know what I did in the past few hours. That moment kept flashing into my brain.
It kept appearing in my head so many times that our words started to lose meaning. Once something is repeated so many times it is no longer its true meaning, but rather a bunch of letters to create a sound. Although, the sound then becomes hollow and does not reach out to the person any longer. That's what the scene itself began to become. It didn't matter anymore if I was standing and it didn't matter if I came into Ryuzaki's room uninvited. There was no meaning to what Ryuzaki was doing. It didn't really matter if he was reading that stuff online. Actually, the moment replayed in my mind so many times that not only did it lose its meaning but I also forgot what the problem was.
"Ryuzaki!" I called, my voice fairly shaking. "Come down and eat dinner!" I had set up the table already. Ryuzaki's mother told me that there was leftover Udon in the refrigerator and that we should finish it up. That was a simple enough dinner. "Ryuzaki!" I called once more. I had an understanding of why he may be upset, but I don't understand how he felt. But I know one thing, that kid wasn't the type to disobey people.
Shortly after I heard faint footsteps coming from the stairway. Ryuzaki was always slow when it came to walking. He stood at the kitchen and grabbed a seat. I smiled at him. "Are you feeling better?" I asked him with the sweetest voice I could offer. He blankly stared at me. "Eat up," I told him. His pale hand took a grip on the pair of chopsticks and began to catch some noodles in the bowl. He's such a nice kid, I began to think. Even though he wasn't speaking to me, it didn't matter. At least he had enough emotional strength to even come down and eat. I took a seat myself and started to eat.
That was the only moment of happiness I felt while we were eating. The rest of the time I realised how furious that boy was at me. He did not even look up at me, did not talk to me and he pretended like I wasn't there. I could have asked him an infinite number of questions and not one would be answered by him. Today Ryuzaki was eating at a faster pace than usual. He really hates my presence that much, huh?
Gulping down the last portion of his soup, the ravened boy stood up and walked towards the direction of the sink. He put down the bowl and chopsticks and spoon with one hand while the other turned the sink on, allowing a small waterfall to pour. "Put it down, Ryuzaki, I'll wash it. You have to go practice piano," I told him. Immediately the sound of the rushing water fell into silence. He did not give me a signal of any kind. I did not know if he was happy that he was able to skip on the event of washing his own dishes or if he was disappointed because he would rather touch the filthy bowl in water than press on piano keys.
As he walked away I finished up my dinner and seconds away from scrubbing dishes. I heard Ryuzaki start by exercising his fingers with some scales and chords on the piano. As soon as I finished cleaning I casually walked over to the living room and took a seat on the couch. Ryuzaki was not at all bothered with my existence in the same room as he was in. He continued to play the piano, working on a Sonata by Beethoven. It was a fast song and about seven pages long. There was not a definite feeling in the song. The song was neither happy nor sad. It was not angry or was it calming. It was just fast song that required a lot of technique. The song was just like him, the boy who was playing this particular song at the moment. Although this boy may be a bit slower and not extremely fast as the piece, it was quite amusing. The two were both emotionless and complex. While the piece required technique that is attained after years of practice, the raven haired boy sitting in front of me was complex to understand. For the first time I wanted to know what was going through that head of his.
I kept sitting there, listening to this emotionless song. After practicing the line he stumbled on multiple times, I saw bony fingers collecting the music sheets. Abandoning the song completely, Ryuzaki's fingers danced across the piano playing scales once again. His hands were gliding so easily on the piano, producing sweet sounds as he touched each key. And then there was a silence that came crashing down when he lifted his hands up, finishing the last note. Was he finished? I wondered. I looked at him, whose back was facing me. I wondered if he was smiling, but I just couldn't see. I kept my gaze at the back of his head, where I could see each strand of ebony black hair being tangled with one another. He started to place his hands on the piano again, his fingers curved and his eyes staring at the keys laid out in front of him.
This song was the complete opposite of the Beethoven song he played before. This song was simple, clean and did not require too much. Sure, there were a many legatos and Ryuzaki needed to use the pedal here and there, but the song was peaceful. It was soothing, it was calm. It was almost like it was crying. I saw Ryuzaki's crying face as that moment flashed in my head again. Again and again, that moment played while Ryuzaki made those sweet sounds on the piano. This sad melody that continued to aid me with the repeating of that one moment. And it stopped. The song stopped all of a sudden, it was as if the piece ended in mid sentence.
"Is that the end?" I asked Ryuzaki.
He shook his head. "No, there will be more."
"Oh, you haven't got to it yet..." I mumbled. He shook his head again. "Who composed it?"
"I did," he replied without even a single trace of pride. But then it started to make sense. If Ryuzaki was the one who wrote this song, who played this song and was the only one in the world who knew of this song's existence, that means that this song was a piece of Ryuzaki. A sad, slow, and haunting song. What did it mean? Why was such a song made and by Ryuzaki?
The boy stood up and pushed in his bench. He was ready to go upstairs until I yelled at him. "Ryuzaki!" He looked over at me. Without saying a word, it looked like his eyes reflected off the question 'what?' I stood from my seat as well. I was taller than Ryuzaki and I approached him with confidence. He did not flinch even once nor did he back up. He kept his eyes on my caramel orbs. "What are you thinking right now?" I asked him.
"Raito-san, that's like asking for me to expose myself to you. I'm sorry, I couldn't possibly answer that question," he smiled at me. "Is that all you're asking for, Raito-san?"
"What's going on in your head?" I asked him once more. "What did that song mean?"
"Nothing always has a meaning," he smirked. "It's quite childish of you to ask me such questions in this manner, Raito-san."
"Don't act like that, Ryuzaki," I grinned my teeth, "That's not you."
"Yes, I suppose you're right," Ryuzaki's wide eyes looked like they were taunting me, or even more frightening – it looked like he could see right through me. "This personality you're witnessing right here isn't the me you know. This isn't the me that I've shown to you my whole life. The personality that you know is the Ryuzaki that's just trying to be polite. But this," his voice grew darker, "this personality I am kindly showing you right now is the personality I truly want to act like."
"Why don't you just act like yourself then," I said without a question-like tone.
"Because if I did, someone would probably get hurt. And I'm not into hurting people, that means I would have to repair them as well," he confessed in a bored tone. "You understand, right, Raito-san?" He smiled. That same smile that no matter what, no matter where and no matter when – that smile was the smile that always bothered me.
"No, I don't understand." He chuckled. Is this just a phase he's going through...?
"Raito-san," Ryuzaki began. "Could you please go to my room for a moment?" he offered. I nodded and climbed up the stairs. "I'll be there in a second!" he shouted from the bottom. What is going to happen? I asked myself. I don't know if I should be worried or if I should be pleased. He's talking to me again, at least.
Shortly after, Ryuzaki came upstairs with a glass of water in his hand. I was sitting on his bed. "What is it?" I asked him. "Are you okay?"
"No," Ryuzaki shook his head, "to say the least."
"I'm not happy because life doesn't give me enough excitement. I wake up every day and I realise there's nothing to do, I want to step out of my ordinary life and live."
"I've felt that before," I tried to connect with him. "But there's a lot of things that you can look forward to if you make the plans yourself." He shrugged.
"And I can't even act like myself because people expect me to be something else. Society doesn't want me to influence others, so I have to act polite and kind all the time. That's not me."
"You can surely act like yourself to some degree. It's good to be nice to people but you don't have to be polite every second. Why not just enjoy your youth?"
"You're right, Raito-san," he said in a thankful voice. His arm extended towards me. "Thank you," he said. "I don't have much to give you, so I guess I can give you a glass of water," he sighed.
"Ryuzaki, it's fine. Just talk to me when you need to, I don't –"
"Take the water or else I'll feel guilty." I did as he said. I suppose afterwards I drink the water, right? Well, I did drink the water. And it just tasted like... water. I drank the liquid as I looked into Ryuzaki's eyes. He was still smiling. Was something funny? Or was he happy that we're back to where we started – friends? But anyway, I kept drinking the water until there was no more in the glass cup. He took the cup right out of my hands. "Raito-san, are you okay?" he asked me with the smile.
Was I okay? What does that have to do with anything, what did I do? Was I okay? "I'm okay," I answered him, unclear if I could say anything else in reply. "Why?"
"Oh, nothing much. It's just that I drugged that water," the words slipped out of his lips.
I was still on Ryuzaki's bed, but I don't remember what happened. I wondered if anything happened. I, personally, don't think anything happened. If something did happen, I would know it and I would feel this change, no matter how drastic or how tiny the change would be. I think that I fell asleep, am I right? What time is it? These questions overflowed my brain.
"You're awake already?" Ryuzaki sang. "It took you shorter than expected!" He clasped his hands together.
"Huh? Oh Ryuzaki, what time is it?" I mumbled.
"It's, hm, let's see," he chirped, turning his head to the direction where the clock was. "Ah, it's almost one in the morning!"
"Go to sleep, what are you doing this late?" I asked in concern. I tried to get up from my position but was unable to when I felt Ryuzaki jump and sit on top of me. "What do you want?"
"You asked me why I'm acting like this," Ryuzaki recalled. "You asked me what the song I played meant."
I looked up at him. His hands were placed on my cheeks as he began to smirk. "Yes," I spat. "So are you going to answer now?"
He chuckled and nodded. "Yes, Raito-kun, I'm going to answer all your precious questions now." He leaned closer to me; I could feel my face turning red. His face, however, had no trace of pink colouring his cheeks and kept on coming nearer and nearer to me. It wasn't before long that I could feel his lips press against mine. In all honesty, it surprised me but I didn't push him away. I felt as though I could push anyone away, but not Ryuzaki. He's too fragile. If I push him away I feel like I would be crushing his existence itself. So I just laid there, unable to do anything to him and endured the moment. His lips were cold and they were soft. I expected no more.
He finally pulled away and kept his gaze at me. "You didn't even flinch," he teased. "What's the meaning of this, Raito-san?" I kept silent. He laughed at me. "But it seems like that was too straight-forward, huh?"
"Ryuzaki, what's going on?" I stumbled upon my words every so often throughout the sentence, still in awe about what just happened. He chuckled and smiled at me. His hands traveled down from my neck to my shirt, where he started to undo the buttons. Again, I could not do anything. I could not push Ryuzaki away nor did I have enough courage to say anything.
"You must we wondering why I'm acting like this," he began, still continuing the unfastening of buttons. "Well, to put it in a short and clean way – I've waited too long for this moment." When he finished his sentence he also neared the stripping of my shirt. My chest was bare and exposed for Ryuzaki, who was still sitting on top of me. He smirked. "Look at you! Have you been working out? Who are you trying to impress? A girl?" he cheerfully said and yet at the same time it sounded like he was trying to mock me.
"No, I just think that having a fit body is a necessary thing," I averted my eyes away from the boy before me. He smiled as if it were a joke, but he was pleased with my answer. He leaned closely to my face again.
"You must have been wondering why I was reading that stuff on my computer," he whispered, his hot breath tickling my skin. "It's because I want what was on the screen."
This doesn't seem like it's going in a very good direction, I began to panic.
"Yes, Raito-san," he paused, taking the time to choose his words. "I like you. I've liked you for the past fourteen years of my life. Are you okay with that?"
"...Ryuzaki, what's the meaning of this?"
"Look at your face, it looks so nice when you're all flustered like that," he complimented. "I just told you the meaning, my dear Raito-san. I said that I liked you. And I've liked you for way too long. I've liked you to the extent that I can call it love. Hm, on second thought, though," he pondered. "Maybe it's a little but more of lust than love right now."
"Ryuzaki, that's enough, it's... it's not okay for us to –"
"I know. But I can't stand it anymore. That song, the meaning behind that song, you want to know it, right? Let me tell you, Raito-san. That song was my desire for you. This desire for you has almost crushed me, how it is not only unapproved by society but it is also unapproved by you. Such a sad and such a heavy weight for me to try and lift every day of my life." He said it all with a smile, as if this were just some kind of test. "And I truly hate you for it. I cannot forgive you for giving me this terrible fate."
"You don't have to be like –" He cut me off once more with another kiss. This time, more roughly and he attempted to slip his tongue into my mouth. I cannot believe I even dared to let it enter. He invaded the inside of my mouth as if it were a scavenger hunt. We stayed this way for a good twenty seconds. I felt him violate my mouth and he pulled away when he needed air. Looking at my astonished face, he smiled.
"Would you like to know the taste of the inside of your mouth?" He offered.
"I would rather not," I said as I wiped my lips with my sleeve.
He glared at me for a second, disappointed with my reply to his question, but he quickly shot another smile, brushing everything off as if it never happened. "Good, there's no actual and particular taste, anyway." He took a peak at my exposed chest again. "I just wonder if your skin tastes the same." His head traveled away from my lips and went towards my neck now. He nibbled on my skin, I whimpered a little, realising how I was even capable of making such a sound. I could feel him smiling as he continued this torture. At some point he was tired of nibbling so he changed the pace and started to lick me again. There then became a wet trail from my neck down to my chest as Ryuzaki continued to slide down. "Does this satisfy you in any way?" he questioned.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm completely sure."
"Let's see what Raito-san Junior says about that," he mocked. His bony and pale fingers searched for the zippers of my pants. He started to undo everything that was in the way of where he wanted to reach. And when he found that place, he rested a finger on the tip of my dick. "You say you're not satisfied, yet you're hard. Care to explain?" he smirked.
"I don't like it," I spoke. "I don't like it at all."
"That's not what your dick says," he gave it a quick kiss. "Does Raito-san like me to use my hands or my mouth, either way, it doesn't matter to me. The ending result it going to stay the same."
"Don't do anything to me."
"That's not an option," the raven haired boy declared. "Mouth it is!" he exclaimed. Seconds after his mouth wrapped around my erection, his tongue going in all different directions. His hands were toying around with some other parts of my penis.
I moaned in pleasure but at the same time I moaned in displease because I didn't want him to be doing it to me! "S-stop," I commanded, trying to get a hold of myself.
"Are you coming? That quickly?" he questioned. "And here I thought you could endure more. There's no fun if you do it so fast."
"Right, we can leave the coming until later then," he shrugged and removed himself from my erection that was still there. He slowly began to strip himself, starting with his shirt and then wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on top of my shoulder. We were now both laying down on his bed. "You can remove my pants, if you would like, Raito-san," he whispered into my ear. "How about it?"
I was hesitant, but it was Ryuzaki. That was it. That was my weakness. The fact that it was Ryuzaki, the boy I had to take care of for the past fourteen years of my life. It was him, how could I ever let him down? I spoiled him, I suppose. I'm doing everything he says, giving him everything he wants. And now, even as he is violating both my pride and my body, I still can't let myself decline his offers and desires. I began to pull down Ryuzaki's jeans and slowly. His grip around me tightened. "Yes..." he breathed.
As I continued to unwillingly peel off his pants Ryuzaki's cold hands felt my body, touching my arms gently and feeling my stomach. He took this moment to explore the feel of my skin and the structure of my body. He did this passionately, touching me slowly but with the right amount of pressure. It was not at all rough but it the touches were still gentle and soft enough to feel. I awkwardly pulled his jeans down to his knees, unable to strip them down anymore considering the position we were in.
"Just touch me the way I'm touching you, Raito-san," he pleaded, I felt his warm breath on my neck. "Just pretend I'm a girl if that makes you feel any better."
Without saying a word, I started to think about what he wanted and what he wanted me to do to him. I didn't need to image him as a woman, in fact, it's nearly impossible to think about a different face on him in this kind of situation. I took a hold of his waist but was unclear about what to do next. 'Don't think,' I heard his emotionless voice mutter. So I did as he said and just let my hands glide to where ever they wanted to.
At some point I gave his soft ass a pinch, he squealed in satisfaction. "Yes," he exclaimed. "Yes, do it more. Today I get what I want, you hear me? Today I get what I deserve." He took his two hands and let them rest on my cheeks. They were still ice cold. "Pinching asses isn't enough though; you know that, Raito-kun? I want you to do me hard. I want you to do me so hard that I can't go to piano lessons tomorrow." I honestly did not like the sound of this.
"Put it in already," Ryuzaki yelled at me. He was lying down on his stomach, eyes filled with lust. He was stark naked in front of me, his body was demanding more even as he was crippling from all those times I made him come. I've now given him multiple blowjobs, multiple hand-jobs, I rubbed his body with his own semen. "Put it in," he cried desperately once more. He was acting like he was going to die if I didn't. But I couldn't do anything about it, all I could do was follow every single one of his commands, no matter how masochistic they seemed. I'd spank him or I'd insert all my fingers inside his ass if he wanted me to. "Put it in, already, damn it!" he shouted for the last time. He was going absolutely crazy.
Without wasting much time, I placed my cock to where his entrance was, wondering how such a thing could fit. In the next second I found myself thrusting roughly inside his body. From him I heard a low moan and then he started panting. I didn't know if I was hurting him or if he wanted me to continue. "Are you okay?" worry wavering in my voice.
"What are you doing talking to me, just keep going!" he blurted. Inside him was too tight though, it was hot and the heat coated my penis, causing it to become harder. I thrust one more time to see if I could go in anymore, surprisingly it did, but the more and more I traveled inside him, the more I found it difficult to move. My palms started sweating as they held onto Ryuzaki's hips which raised more and more as I kept thrusting, making it easier to go deeper inside. I felt a tight grip on my left hand from Ryuzaki. He repositioned my hand where one would be on his hip and one would be on his cock.
"More," he gasped. "More. Your hand... stroke my dick and keep going." More sounds similar to someone having an orgasm came out of him. His eyes were watering. His body was slippery from all the semen covering him. I allowed my hand to slowly move up and down on his cock as I kept trying to fit myself into his ass. Half of my mind was afraid that I was going to break him and the other half was numb and couldn't keep up with what was happening at all. It was all too sudden for me. My thumb pressed on his member, letting him gasp in delight. "...Harder," the boy managed to say.
"Don't you think this is a bad idea?" I huffed, trying to get the words to come out of my mouth. It was hard to stroke, push, and talk while trying to catch your breath at the same time.
"Raito-san, I want you all over my bed," he breathed heavily. "I want our sweet cum to be all over my bed. I want to sleep on this sticky bed after and the bed to have your smell." He gasped. "Now hurry. Keep going..." I roughly thrust inside him for the last time, which made him shudder. Saliva ran down from the corner of his mouth. His cock was getting extremely hard and I knew he wanted to finish it off. I squeezed his dick, not too harshly or else it would hurt him more than please him, but enough to get him to ejaculate.
His sticky white substance was on my hand. I was going to rub it on his body again thinking that he wanted that but to my surprise he yanked my hand forward and there was a hot muscle that slithered around my palm. He was licking the semen off but he was doing it messily and carelessly, leaving traces of that cum on his pale face. Suddenly I felt my own member get extraordinarily hard, it was challenging to hold back.
"Should I just... pull back?" I said quickly, afraid if I were taking my time it would be too late.
"I want you inside me, I want you to leave a scar on me," Ryuzaki shrieked. "Go, do it," he paused. "Come."
I came inside of him, oh God, it feels terrible. It must feel disgusting to have something so gooey inside you. I pulled out quickly afterwards, apologising while doing so. Ryuzaki just stared at me with lazy eyes, I think I overdid it. But he smiled again. That smile that always terrified me, how his lips curve that way and how his eyes peered at me that way. For the first time, it didn't scare me.
I didn't love him, and yet that doesn't change the fact that we did all those things on the bed. I didn't love him and it was more like I was afraid of him. I've always known what that smile meant when I think about it. That smile that he painted so carefully on his face meant that he was glad to see me. So glad to see me that he began lusting for me – yes, that was it. He loved me to the extent where lust was a mere factor of how he would like to show his love. I can't say that I didn't expect this day to come; I knew we were going to do something like this one day.I just didn't want to admit it. He fell asleep afterwards on top of the splatters of semen on the bed. I left him there naked feeling that he wouldn't want me to put clothes back on him anyway. I suppose I was getting ready to sleep as well, after fucking a fourteen year old like that – almost like trauma. Not so much the fact that I fucked him was traumatic, the fact that it seemed like I was crippling him was the thing I was worried about. Did I break him in half; did I shatter his will when I did him so roughly? Or perhaps, Ryuzaki was okay. Maybe Ryuzaki was still in one piece and was not mentally or emotionally or spiritually hurt. Perhaps it was not him, but me, that I broke. I think I destroyed my own pride.
The sun stopped by our side of the earth a few hours later. Ryuzaki was still sleeping on his bed. I woke him up, even though I understood why he would have such low energy.
"Wake up. We should go put the mattress sheet in the washing machine. When your parents get home I'll explain to them that we were watching a movie online and spilled some drinks on the bed, okay?"I worried about the semen staining the sheets. If Ryuzaki's parents were to see this it would be obvious about what we did this morning.
"No, Raito-san," he yawned. "I want to sleep. And this is the bed we did it on so I want to remember the scent and... Stuff." He was half asleep, I wanted to laugh, and I've never seen Ryuzaki in this kind of condition before – just like a little boy. "Come into bed with me for a little, I promise we don't do anything. Just lay down here with me."
Before I knew it I was laying down with him. He held me tightly, still stark naked and buried his head under my chin as soon as I fixed myself into a comfortable laying position. I patted his thick and tangled ebony hair. "You have piano lessons today; you should go practice some more after we're done eating breakfast."
"Yeah, yeah, I'll practice, whatever," he muttered. "And I'll play that song that I wrote for you, okay? You do like that song, don't you?" I don't think he was expecting a whole review and critique from me, so I replied with a simple 'yes.' We stayed there in silence for the next few minutes, which flew by quickly. "Raito-san..." he called with more liveliness in his voice. I gazed down at him.
"Yes?" I whispered in concern. "What's wrong?"
It took a long time for Ryuzaki to come up with a reply. But finally, after what had seemed like hours of me worrying about him but in reality was actually a few slow seconds, he detached his head from my body. He stared at me with his large eyes which were like mirrors, reflecting the shape of my face in them.
"It's nothing," he declared.
He shot a quick smile.
xLollitaa: Um, I think I improved when it came to smut. I really, really am pathetic when it comes to smut. (Cries) But whatever, I'll get better at it if I keep practicing. Hope this story wasn't too mentally scarring. It wasn't, right? Ah, I'll leave that up to you. Months ago I finally understood how people thought L would be seme rather than uke. I just didn't agree with it... So here I thought that it would be interesting to make L a dominate uke – therefore it is fair to everyone, haha. Also I wanted to see how Ryuzaki would act if he were a hormonal, gay, rebellious teenager.
I'll take the time to make some short (and I repeat: short) stories that aren't Death Note related. They're only side stories though, so it's not like it will interfere with my love for Raito x L. Other than that, please review and favourite. Thank you so much for being patient for the past eight months and I'll see you soon!
Happy Birthday, Raito-kun!