Welcome To the Hellmouth With a Twist

an MST of Welcome To the Hellmouth.

by sinecure

Disclaimer: I suppose I should say a few words to keep the rich and powerful owner-type guys off my back. I don't own anything except the words I'm writing, so don't sue me, and I won't claim anything that's not mine.

The idea is to take characters that weren't on the show the first season, and strand them on a Satelite of Love, or something similar, and let them at the first season. Let's see if it actually works, shall we?

I love this show, especially the first three seasons. I think Joss and the other writers are Gods--well, practically--and can do mostly no wrong. On the other hand, I love making fun of things, and BtVS and Angel are just fodder for my supposed wit. Sorry if anyone actually gets offended or anything.


In the beginning...

Spike was on his way home when a bright blue light suddenly lit the cemetery, halting his progress. He took a deep breath and shook out a cigarette and lit it.

"What now?" His voice was tired, frustrated. He was sick of this town, sick of life on the Hellmouth. One of these days he was going to leave Sunnydale... one of these days... yeah, right, that'd be the day. If he hadn't left after falling for the slayer, and then after he realized why, he wouldn't leave now. Blowing smoke at the hovering beam of light, he shrugged and started around it. A moment later, the light encompassed him, and he disappeared with it, leaving behind a single wisp of smoke.

Anya rolled her eyes at the television, throwing a handfull of popcorn at the set. Xander, currently in their kitchen getting sodas, chuckled at her.

"Why do you watch Jerry Springer, Ahn? All you do is yell at the t.v. and make fun of the guests." He sat beside her on the couch, handing her a rootbeer, keeping the grape for himself.

She popped the top and took a healthy swig of the soda. "It's funny, that's why. These people are worse than most of the demons I've met. They're--" blue light flooded into the room, lighting up the floor in front of them.

The two of them shared a curious glance before the light moved toward them. "What--" and then she was gone.

Gunn and Wesley looked at each other, looked over to the four vampires advancing on them, then took off running.

"'Charles,'" Gunn said, mocking Wesley, "'let's go ourselves. We don't need Angel for everything.' Let's be stupid," he yelled, rounding a corner.

Wesley sighed as much as he could while running down an L.A. street, hampered as he was by panting and fearing for his life. He decided not to defend his decision to take care of the vampire alone. There was only suppsed to be one. How was he to know there were three more accompanying him? There was only supposed to be the one. His inteligence had indicated--

"Hey, whoa," Gunn yelled, coming to a sudden stop. "What's that?"

"What's what?" Wesley gasped, bending over to catch his breath. A quick glance behind him assured him the vampires weren't about to pounce on them just yet.

"That li--"

Wesley looked up when Gunn stopped talking, and discovered his friend gone. Not just running-down-the-street gone, but gone-in-a-flash-of-light gone. A flash of light that suddenly enveloped him as well.

Tara smiled at Willow, hoping her girlfriend didn't notice the strained quality to the smile. Her mind was made up; she was leaving Willow for both their sakes. Until Willow learned to stop using magick at every turn, and admitted her dependency upon it, Tara had to leave her lover. As much as it hurt her to do so.

Willow leaned forward and kissed her softly before getting up and going to into the bathroom. "I'm showering," she called through the open door, her voice making it clear that she wouldn't mind company.

Tara sighed and closed her book, unable to keep her mind on her psyche homework with the thought of leaving Willow foremost in her mind. The water started in the bathroom, but Tara stayed where she was. If she had her druthers, she'd be with Willow for the rest of their lives, but as things stood now... with the magick between them, and... certain other things Tara refused to think about just then, there was no way that was possible.

"Last chance," Willow called from the shower, laughter in her voice.

"Maybe next time," Tara called back. A bright blue light appearing in the room had her heaving a sigh of frustration. Damn it. "Willow, whatever magick you're using--" and then she was bathed in the light, warmth pouring over her in waves.

Spike sighed in annoyance as Tara flashed into existence. "Great. Anyone else want to join us then?" he asked the bare room. Having been the first one here, he'd already done everything possible to try to escape, now all he could do was stand back and watch the others try. He leaned against the wall, finishing his second cigarette since appearing in the room.

Tara's eyes widened as she took in her surroundings. Gunn and wesely were both trying to pry open the door on the far wall. The bare white walls of the bare, empty, white room. Empty of everything except people. And lots of them.

Anya was currently filling Tara in on the situation, which was about as information-filled as the room was.

"You wanna put that thing out?" Gunn more told than asked Spike.

"No," Spike answered, "not at all. Thanks for asking." He snickered at Gunn's threatening look, not intimidated in the least. "Let me know when you and the weakling get that open, would ya?"

Gunn turned around to face Spike. "Why am I not killing you again?" he asked. "Way I see it. You're a fang, I'm a fang-killer, so I'd be doing the world a favor."

"He's helpless," Anya told Gunn for the fifth time. "You can't kill something that can't fight back." When Gunn and Wesley both tossed her questioning looks, she shrugged. "I don't get it either. But that's what Buffy and Giles say. Mostly Giles though, 'cause Buffy really doesn't like Spike."

Tara, watching the exchange from her spot against the wall opposite Spike, asked the one question everyone had been asking since their own arrivals. "Why are we here? I-- I mean, who brought us here? Aside from us all knowing the Slayer, I don't--"

"I don't know the Slayer. Except from Wes and Cordy's depiction of her and Angel's reunion a few months back," Gunn interrupted, grinning at wesely.

"Oh." Tara shrugged, at a loss. "Well, um, you know Angel. Right?" She waited for his nod, before continuing. "Then, maybe we're here because we know Angel... only--"

Anya raised her hand. "I don't know Angel. I met him two years ago. Um, on Thanksgiving. Chumash Indians were attacking, and Spike came to Giles for help, then Angel came to town, only no one was supposed to tell Buffy, but Xander..." seeing everyone's blank faces, she ended with, "I saw Angel, but that's about the extent of that." She turned away, muttering, "In this universe anyway."

Spike heard her, but refrained from asking what she was on about. He didn't care. All he cared about was getting the hell out of here, and going home... to his cold, empty crypt. He dropped his cigarette to the floor and stomped it out next to the other one. "This is all extremely interesting, if you're not me, but can we get to a point sometime today?"

Wesley sighed, holding Gunn back when he started for Spike. "Seems to me we're here because of what we do, not who we know. All of us fight evil, right?"

They all nodded, even a reluctant Spike who snarled at Gunn when he snickered in amusement.

"Then, I think someone has a grudge against us. Perhaps we pissed someone off."

"Wrong." The computerized voice came from all around them. They weren't even sure if it was a male or female voice, and, at the moment, didn't care too much. "You're here because none of you were present during the first season."

They shared confused looks, all of them looking around for the speakers.

"First season of what? Duck hunting?" Spike growled, tired of the whole situation. "Look, bud, whoever you are. Let us go, and I won't kill you. Slowly."

Anya rolled her eyes, and Tara joined her.

"The first season of the show," the voice explained patiently. "I don't expect you to understand what I'm talking about just yet, but you will. Very soon."

A blue light, similar to the one that had grabbed all of them from their respective places, appeared in the middle of the room. Spike wasn't above losing his dignity at this point, so he dove toward the light, hoping it would take him home. When he landed on his face on the floor, he growled, knowing the others would probably be laughing at him. And pointing. Rolling onto his back, he was surprised to see everyone on the floor looking rather sheepish. He smirked, pushing himself to his feet. Apparently he wasn't the only fool.

"If you're all done making mad dashes at the transporter, can we get on with this?" the voice asked dryly. After a moment, it continued. "Tara, you might want to move a few feet to the left, chairs are on their way in to the spot where you're--"

Tara quickly moved across the room... all the way across the room.

"Thank you." A buzzing sound caught them all by surprise, making them jump. A row of comfortable-looking chairs appeared in the spot Tara had been in moments before. "Sit, please. Who sits where doesn't matter, just get comfortable. You're going to be here a while."

It took them all a while to cautiously approach the chairs, then decide where to sit, but finally, after a good five minutes, they were seated, and ready for whatever was going to happen.

Spike was on the far right, Tara right next to him, unfortunately. He'd protested, but she'd actually crossed her arms over her chest, and stood her ground. Anya was beside her, with Wesley and Gunn next, in that order.

The wall in front of them began to move, sliding to the side, towards Gunn's end of the room. A screen the size of the wall was now in front of them.

"What's this?" Spike asked, suddenly wondering if they'd been kidnaped by a pervert about to show them porn movies.

"A television show. Two hour pilot episode," the voice answered.

"What are we? A Neilsen family? Let us out." Gunn jumped up, slamming his hand against the wall in frustration.

"Sit down," the voice boomed.

Gunn sat. After jumping a foot or two. "Yes, sir, or ma'am," he mumbled bitterly.

"You can leave after you watch the show. It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Depends on what the drivel is you're forcing us to watch," Wesley answered.

The voice simply chuckled as the light, which had come from nowhere in particular, faded out. Darkness fell, broken a second later by a picture on the screen. Spike and the others looked behind them, trying to figure out where the projector or signal was coming from, but there was nothing there except darkness. After a minute, they settled back down with scowls.


V.O. -
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the

SPIKE: ...clowns and circus performers.

vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.

GUNN: Hey, he was close.

She is

SPIKE: ...Biffy, the Clown Slayer.

the Slayer.

ALL: (look at Spike in annoyance)
SPIKE: (ignores them)

Sunnydale High School at night. A science classroom. A fist punches through a windowpane and reaches in to undo the clasp. It's a boy and a girl, sneaking into the school.

SPIKE: (sits forward) Darla?
WESLEY: (sits forward) Darla?
GUNN: (sits forward) Darla?
ANYA: (sits back more comfortably) I think we've established that the girl's name is Darla.
TARA: (looks from side to side) Who's Darla?

Darla -
Are you sure this is a good idea?

SPIKE: (sits back, watching with eager anticipation) Sneaking into a school in the middle of the night with a hungry vampire is *always* a good idea.

Boy -
It's a great idea, now come on.

SPIKE: ...said the meat puppet.

GUNN: (to Spike) You certainly gave in easily enough.
SPIKE: This is what happened the first year Buffy came to Sunnydale. I always wondered what that first year was like.

ANYA: Shh.

They crawl through the window, then come out of the classroom and walk down the hall.

Darla -
Do you go to school here?

Boy -
I used to. On top of the gym, it's so cool. You can see the whole town.

WESLEY: (dryly) All two streets of it?

He continues down the hall, but she stops.

Darla -
I-- I-- I--

ANYA: (points at the screen) She's stuck, someone smack her.

I don't wanna go up there.

Boy -
Ah, you can't wait, huh?

TARA: (as Darla, sarcastic) Nope, sure can't. My absolute terror is turning me on.
SPIKE: (snickers) Probably is. Darla always did like the game.

Darla -
We're just gonna get in trouble.

Boy -
Yeah, you can count on it.

ANYA: (as Darla) One, two, three, four, five...
ALL: Shh!
ANYA: I'm counting on it.

They almost kiss when Darla nervously looks down the hall.

Darla -
What was that?

GUNN: (as boy) Oh, sorry, I thought it was gonna be a silent one. We might want to move down the hall a bit, could get stinky over here.
ANYA: (through her laughter) Eww.

Boy -
What was what?

Darla -
I heard a noise.

SPIKE: (as boy, proudly) Your first noise! Oh, I can't believe it. You've grown up so fast.

Boy -
It's nothing!

TARA: It's the Nothing taking over Fantasia again. Quick, get Atreyu!
ALL: @_@
TARA: What? Like you've never seen the Neverending Story.

Darla -
Uh... uh, maybe it's something.

Boy -
Or maybe it's some *thing*!

WESLEY: Isn't that what she said?

Darla - That's not funny.

WESLEY: (defensively) I didn't say it was.
GUNN: (laughs) It's ok. Calm down. It's not real.
ANYA: Yes, it is.
GUNN: Oh, yeah.

The boy looks down the other hall.

Boy -
Hellooooo! (to Darla) There's nobody here.

Darla -
Are you sure? (looks away)

Boy -
Yes, I'm sure.

Darla -

When she turns back to him, she's vamped out. She growls and bites him. He grunts in pain as they sink to the floor.

SPIKE: (eager) Yeah. Now we're talking.

Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.

SPIKE: Bloody hell, that's it? It's over? No blood, or--
GUNN: (to Spike) You do realize you're one broken vampire among four humans used to fighting vampires, don't you?
WESLEY: (to Gunn) Calm down.
SPIKE: (smirks at Gunn)

Buffy's in bed, asleep.

GUNN: (sits up attentively) Whoa. Who's the hottie?
WESLEY: (clears his throat) That would be Buffy Summers. The Vampire Slayer.
GUNN: Definitely a hottie. No wonder Angel's obsessed with her.
TARA: (glances at Spike)
SPIKE: (ignores all of them)

Buffy's having nightmares of the Master.

SPIKE: (dryly) Wow, not just great grandmum, but great, great grandpa too.

After a minute, she wakes with a start.

Joyce - (off camera)


Buffy - (sitting up)
I'm up, Mom!

Joyce - (off camera)
Don't wanna be late for your first day!

WESLEY: (as Joyce) ...of Clown Slaying School!

Buffy - (to herself)
No... wouldn't want that.

Cut to the school, where Joyce is pulling up to the curb.

Joyce -

ANYA: (as Joyce, exasperated) All right! You can have a pet rock, just stop asking already.

Buffy gets out of the truck.

Joyce -
Have a good time. I know you're gonna make friends right away, just think positive. (gives a thumbs up) And honey? Try not to get kicked out?

GUNN: (as Buffy, whiny) But Mooo-ooom!

Buffy -
I promise.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...to find some geeky friends, fall in love with an evil, yet reformed, vampire, and then let him loose on the town. And then I promise to--
ALL: Shut up.

Joyce -

Buffy faces the school and lets out a deep breath as Joyce drives off. Xander moves through the crowd on his skateboard.

SPIKE: Damn, the moron was there from the beginning? I was hoping he didn't show up 'til later. Like never.
ANYA: Hey! Leave Xander alone.

Xander -
'Scuse me,

SPIKE: There is no excuse for you.

comin' through. Pardon me, 'scuse me.

SPIKE: I said there is no excuse for you, so quit asking.

Whoa! 'Scuse me.

SPIKE: (getting angry) I said, no, now stop asking, damn it!
TARA: (shrinks away from Spike's chair)

Not sure how to stop! Please move, whoa, 'scuse me...

SPIKE: (grips his chair arms tightly) I. Said. No! Now, stop asking!
GUNN: (looks over at Spike) That is one uptight dude.

(sees Buffy) Whoa!

ANYA: What is he doing? Why is he staring at Buffy like that?

He stares at her raptly, not noticing that he's headed right for the stair railing. He crashes into it and falls beneath it, grunting in pain. Willow walks up and steps over him.

Xander -
I'm okay. I feel good.

GUNN: (as James Brown) Oww! I feel good, dun nu nu nu nu nu nuh! I knew that I would now, dun nu nu nu nu nu nuh!

Willow looks down at him, smiling and tucking her hair behind her ear.

Xander -
Willow! You're so very much the person that I wanted to see! (gets up)

SPIKE: (as Xander) After, of course, Buffy and every other woman in the world, but you're totally my favorite person. (as himself) Is she actually going to fall for that? He's such a suck up.
ANYA: (proud) He's my suck up.
TARA: (frowns at Willow onscreen) She won't fall for that, no way.

Willow -
Oh, really?

GUNN: (laughs) She fell for that.

They start walking toward the school.

Xander -
Yeah. You know, I kinda had a problem with the math.

Willow -
Uh, which part?

SPIKE: (as Xander) The first problem. Um, one plus one equals...?
GUNN: (snickers)

Xander -
The math.

SPIKE/GUNN: (laugh)

Can you help me out tonight, pleeeease, be my study buddy?

SPIKE: (as Xander, cajolingly) Come on, Will, I'll pretend to like you.

Willow -
Well, what's in it for me?

SPIKE: (as Xander) Shame and degradation.

Xander -
A shiny nickel!

Willow -
Okay. Do you have 'Theories in Trig'? You should check it out.

Xander -
Check it out?

Willow -
From the library? Where the books live.

GUNN: Is this dude really as--
ANYA: (glares)
GUNN: (chuckles nervously) --funny as he seems?
WESLEY: (snickers) Now who's the suck up?

Xander -
Right, I'm there! See, I wanna change...

TARA: (as Xander) ...into my pink tutu and dance the Nutcracker for Giles.

Cut to the hall just inside the door.

Jesse -
Hey, hey!

Xander -
Hey, Jesse, what's the what?

WESLEY: (as Jesse) I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
SPIKE: (as Jesse, in a snobby voice) 'The What' you refer to, is a question one asks when they desire an answer.

Jesse -
New Girl!

TARA: (as Jesse) Bought her last night!

Xander -
That's right, I saw her. Pretty much a hottie!

WESLEY: (as Xander) I'd like to borrow her tonight if you don't mind.

Willow -
I heard someone was transferring...

GUNN: (as Xander) Excuse me! Can't you see we're talking? (as himself) Man, these guys are cold.

Xander -
So tell!

Jesse -
Tell what?

Xander -
What's the sitch, what do ya know about her?

Jesse -
New girl!

TARA: (as Jesse) Bought her last night! I already told you.

Xander -
Well, you're certainly a font of nothing!

SPIKE: (snorts with laughter) Ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.

Cut to Principal Flutie's office. Buffy is seated. He has her school records and walks around the desk to his chair as he looks them over.

Mr. Flutie: Buffy Summers, sophomore, late of Hemery High in Los Angeles. Interesting record, quite a career...

SPIKE: (as Flutie) You're perfect for the job. Welcome to Escorts 'R Us. I see you've already got the right clothes for the job... nice of you to take the initiative.
ANYA: (to Spike) Aren't you in love with her?
SPIKE: (laughs uproariously) Nope.
TARA: I knew it! I knew it was all a ploy.
WESLEY: Spike in love with Buffy? (laughs just as uproariously as Spike)
GUNN: Damn, she must be something else.
WESLEY: She is. She's quite a remarkable girl.
VOICE: (irritated) Can we get back to the show?

Principal Flutie sits, takes the sheet he's reading and tears it into four pieces.

Mr. Flutie -
Welcome to Sunnydale! A clean slate, Buffy, that's what you get here. What's past is past. We're not interested in what it says on a piece of paper, even if it says... (reads) whoa.

WESLEY: (as Flutie) You were a mime? Get out! Get out of my office!

Buffy -
Mr. Flutie...

WESLEY: (as Flutie) I said get out, girl! Mimes aren't welcome here.

Mr. Flutie -
All the kids here are free to call me Bob.

Buffy -

Mr. Flutie -
But they don't.

He begins reassembling the torn sheet.

Buffy -
I know my transcripts are a little... colorful.

TARA: (as Buffy) But, it's not my fault. Dawn got hold of a box of crayons, and--

Mr. Flutie -
Heeey... we're not caring about that. Do you think, uh, 'colorful' is the word? (tapes the paper) Not, uh, 'dismal'?

Buffy -
Wasn't *that* bad!

TARA: (as Buffy, muttering) Mom and I think she has a lot of talent.

Mr. Flutie - (incredulously)
You burned down the gym.

GUNN: (as Buffy) But, Mr. Flutie, the colors were all wrong in there, you should have seen it. It was chaos. Greens mixed with oranges and purples... it was madness. Madness, I tell you.

Buffy - (exhales)
I did, I really did, but... you're not seeing the big picture here, I mean, that gym was full of vampi-- asbestos.

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Vampire asbestos. The worst of the worst, Mr. Flutie. Vampire asbestos; worse than Clowns.
GUNN: (laughs at Wesley) Vampire asbestos?
ANYA: Shh. Xander's coming.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter) He's--
ANYA: (loudly) That's not what I meant! (to Gunn and Wesley) And they think *I'm* a pervert.

Mr. Flutie -
Buffy, don't worry. Any other school they might say 'watch your step', or 'we'll be watching you'... but, that's just not the way *here*. We want to service your needs,

SPIKE: (as Flutie) Now be a good girl and come sit on daddy's lap.
ANYA: (reaches across Tara to slap Spike) Had to go there, didn't you?
SPIKE: Absolutely.

and help you to respect our needs. And if your needs, and our needs don't mesh...

TARA: (as Flutie) Then I guess we're looking at a big ole sexual harrassment suit.

He puts the poorly repaired sheet back into her file and slaps it shut. She gives him a thin, nervous smile.

Cut to the hall. Buffy comes out of Mr. Flutie's office. She opens her bag and rummages through it as she walks into the hall right in front of a girl and a boy. The girl bumps into her, making her lose her grip on the bag and spill its contents.

Buffy -
Oh! Sorry!

SPIKE: (as Buffy) I forgot, I can't walk and rummage at the same time. It always ends badly.

Girl -
That's okay.

Buffy - (looks down at the mess on the floor)

ANYA: (as Buffy) Oops, guess I don't need a bathroom anymore.
ALL: Ew.

Xander sees Buffy, and goes to her, squatting down to help her gather her things.

Xander -
Can I have you?

ANYA: (looking at the others when they laugh) It was a mistake. He made a mistake, that's all. He didn't mean it.
GUNN: (snickers) You keep telling yourself that.

Buffy gives him a confused look.

Xander -
Duh... (chuckles) Can I help you?

Buffy - (smiles)

SPIKE: Has anyone else noticed a distinct excess of hair on the three of them?
TARA: Yep.
ANYA: Oh yeah, definitely.

Xander -
I don't know you, do I?

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Well of course you do, silly, what with us having never met before, and me just moving here.

Buffy -
I'm Buffy. I'm new.

TARA: (as Buffy) My Mom just bought me last night. From K-Mart... I was a blue light special.
GUNN: (as Xander) Oh neat, my friend Jesse just bought a girl last night too. We have so much in common!

Xander -
Xander. Is-- is me. Hi. (smiles)

SPIKE: (as Xander) Yoda, my mentor is.

Buffy -
Um, thanks.

They finish gathering up everything.

Xander -
Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.

WESLEY: (deadpan) That is a brilliant man.

Buffy -
Great! (they stand up) It was nice to meet you.

She starts down the hall.

Xander - (unimpressed with himself)
We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.

He notices something on the floor at his feet.

Xander -
Oh, hey! (picks it up) Hey, you forgot your... stake?

Buffy doesn't hear him and continues down the hall.

Cut to a classroom. The teacher writes 'The Black Death' on the board and then turns to the class.

Teacher -
It's estimated that about twenty-five million people died in that one four-year span. But the fun part of the Black Plague is that it originated in Europe how?

Cordelia is taking notes. So is Buffy, seated next to her.

GUNN: (sits forward attentively) Whoa, check out Cordy. Didn't think she could get any hotter... once again, I am happy to have been proven wrong.
GUNN: Eh? You talkin' to me, Fang?
SPIKE: (reverent) The black plague was a beatiful thing, man.
WESLEY: (to Spike) You weren't alive during the plague.
SPIKE: (angry) Which is why I want to hear this... so shh!

Teacher -
As an early form of germ warfare. If you'll look at the map on page sixty-three you can trace the spread of the disease into Rome, and then north...

Buffy doesn't have a book and looks around for help. Cordelia notices and shares her book.

Buffy - (to Cordelia)

Teacher -
And this popular plague led to what social changes? Steve?

TARA: (as Steve) Um, the people with open sores and pustules didn't go out as much as they used to, and the malls suffered because of it?

The bell rings and the students get up to leave.

Cordelia -
Hi! I'm Cordelia. (offers her hand)

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Ew, no thanks. Severed hands aren't really my thing.

Buffy - (accepts it)
I'm Buffy.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ... on second thought, maybe I'll have just one.

Cordelia -
If you're looking for a textbook of your very own there's probably a few in the library.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Nah, my mom won't let me have any textbooks anymore. I forgot to feed the last one, and it died.

Buffy -
Oh, great, thanks. (they get up) Where would that be?

SPIKE: (as Cordelia, sing-song) I'll never tell.

Cordelia -
I'll show you, come on. (they start out of the classroom) So you're from Hemery, right? In L.A.?

Buffy -
Uh, yeah.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Uh, no.
GUNN: (as Buffy) Uh, what?
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Uh, huh?
ANYA: (as Buffy) Uh, so?
TARA: (as Buffy) Uh, what was the question?

Cordelia -
Oh, I would *kill* to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes?

GUNN: And all this time I thought she was there to fight evil, turns out it's just a huge shoe fettish.

Buffy laughs as they go into the hall.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Hahaha, funny hall... (sighs happily)

Cordelia -
Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish.

Buffy -
Um, over?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Um, under?
GUNN: (as Buffy) Um, through?
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Um, around?
ANYA: (as Buffy) Um, beside?
TARA: (as Buffy) Um, what was the question?

Cordelia -
So over. James Spader.

Buffy -
He needs to call me!

GUNN: Damn, girl, calm down. His career's, like, gone.

Cordelia -

Buffy -
Trendy, but tasty.

Cordelia -
John Tesh.

ALL: The Devil.

Buffy -
The Devil.

Cordelia -
That was pretty much a gimme, but... you passed!

Buffy -
Oh, goody!

They turn toward a drinking fountain. Willow is there. She straightens up and sees them coming.

WESLEY: ...and runs screaming.

Cordelia -
Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

GUNN: (in shock) Whoa...
WESLEY: Yes, Cordelia used to be quite... uh...
SPIKE: A bitch.
WESLEY: Yes, thank you.

Willow -
Uh, oh, well, my mom picked it out.

ALL: (groan)

Cordelia -
No wonder you're such a guy magnet. Are you done?

Willow looks at the fountain, then back at Cordelia.

Willow -

SPIKE: (as Willow) You scared me! I forgot you were there.

She turns and leaves. Buffy watches her go for a moment, then looks back at Cordelia after she starts talking again.

Cordelia -
You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight (glances after Willow) they're a lot easier to avoid.

GUNN: Ok, Cordy's gettin' some crap about this when we get back... if we ever get back.

Buffy lets out a nervous laugh and nods. She looks at Willow again, who has gone through the door at the end of the hall. Willow looks back at them before she continues.

Cordelia and Buffy continue their walk to the library.

Cordelia -
And if you're not too swamped with catching up you should come by the Bronze tonight.

Buffy -
The who?

SPIKE: The Rolling Stones?
GUNN: The Animals?
WESLEY: The Byrds?
ANYA: The Turtles?
TARA: The Beatles?

Cordelia -
The Bronze.

ALL: Ohhhhhh.

It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town.

Buffy -
Where's that? (stops outside the library doors)

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) This block you're on now is the good part, the other block is the bad part. You can't miss it!
GUNN: (to Wesley) You saying Sunnydale's a small town?
SPIKE: The Tower Bridge is bigger than Sunnydale.

Cordelia -
About a half a block from the good part of town.


(laughing) We don't have a whole lot of town here. But, um, you should show!

SPIKE: (as Cordelia) ...everyone your breasts.
GUNN: (to Spike) Now, I'm all for a little nudity, but she's way underage. And you're just sick.
SPIKE: (scoffs) Oh, please! You think Angel had any compunctions with sleeping with a sixteen year old?
OTHERS: (silent)

Buffy -
Well, I'll try. (looks toward the library) Uh, thanks.

Cordelia -
Good. So, um, I'll see you in gym, and you can tell me absolutely everything there is to know about you. (waves and goes)

ALL: (unenthusiastically) Yay.

Buffy - (waves back)
Great! (to herself) Oh, that sounds like fun.

She goes into the library, and looks around. It's deserted.

Buffy -
Hello? Is anybody here?

She looks at the book checkout counter and sees a newspaper. A picture has been circled. The caption above it reads 'Local Boys Still Missing.' Someone taps her on the shoulder. She spins around, startled.

Buffy -

ANYA: (as Buffy, childishly) Do it again! Do it again!

Anybody's here!

WESLEY: (as Buffy) ...and he's a middle-aged man wrapped from head to toe in tweed.
ANYA: (to Wesley) Wow, taste the bitterness.

Giles -
Can I help you?

SPIKE: (as Giles) Do you need help back to the little yellow bus? Are you lost?

Buffy -
I was looking for some, well, books.

TARA: (as Giles) Books on Wells? I don't think we have any of those.

I'm new.

GUNN: Proud of that fact, isn't she?

Giles -
Miss Summers?

ANYA: (as Buffy) No, I don't miss the summers... why do you ask, strange older man?

Buffy -
Good call!

SPIKE: (as Giles) That was nothing. I can do a whale call too, and a sheep call... uh, nevermind that one.

Guess I'm the only new kid, huh?

GUNN: Again with the new kid thing.
ANYA: As soon as her mother drove her off the lot, she lost some of her worth, doesn't she realize that?
GUNN: (laughs) Don't think she does.

Giles -
I'm Mr. Giles. The librarian. I was told you were coming.

WESLEY: (as Giles) The voices in my head spoke of you.

Giles heads behind the counter.

Buffy -
Great! So, um, I'm gonna need 'Perspectives on 20th Century...'

Giles - (interrupting)
I know what you're after!

TARA: (as Giles) And you can't have it! It's mine!

With a big grin on his face, he pulls out a large old book with the word 'VAMPYR' written in gold leaf on the front cover. Buffy looks up at him with an uneasy gaze.

Buffy -
That's not what I'm looking for.

Giles - (frowns)
Are you sure?

Buffy -
I'm *way* sure.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) It doesn't at all go with my outfit! Barbarian!

Giles - (confused)
My mistake.

SPIKE: (as Buffy, muttering to herself) Hmph! I can't believe he wanted me to wear antiqued leather and gold with blue. It's clear to anyone with eyes that the only way to add to this outfit is to dab a spot of green slime on the sleeves.
GUNN: Uh--
SPIKE: Say one word and I'll kill you.
ANYA: You can't kill anyone, Nuetered Boy.
SPIKE: Pain management; I've been working on mine... you want to be the first to try it out?
ALL: No.

Giles puts the book back behind the counter. Buffy quickly leaves.

Giles - (straightening back up)
So, what is it you said...

TARA: (as Giles) I was listening to the voices in my head, not you.

She's gone.

Cut to the girls' locker room. Two girls are discussing Buffy.

Aphrodisia -
The new kid? She seems kind of weird to me. What kind of name is Buffy?

WESLEY: (as Aura) Like, I think it originated in the Valley. It's, like, totally old, like, from the eighties or something.
GUNN: (as Aphrodisia) Like, really?
WESLEY: (as Aura) Like, really!
GUNN: (as Aphrodisia) Like, ohmigod!
ANYA: Like, stop!

Girl -
Hey, Aphrodisia!

Aphrodisia -
Oh, Hey!

Aura -
Well, the chatter in the caf is that she got kicked out, and that's why her mom had to get a new job.

The girls work the combinations to their gym lockers.

Aphrodisia -

WESLEY: (as Aura) Like, no way!
GUNN: (as Aphrodisia) Like, totally!
ANYA: (clears her throat threateningly)

Aura -
Pos! She was starting fights!

Aphrodisia -

WESLEY: (opens his mouth to say something)
ANYA: (reaches past Gunn and slaps Wesley)
WESLEY: (laughing) Ow!

Aura - (opening her locker)
Well I heard from Blue, and she said that...

A dead body falls out of Aura's locker into her arms. She screams and lets the body fall.

ANYA: (as Aura) A dead body does wonders for the skin. What do you think? Can you see a difference?
SPIKE: Finally, the good parts.
VOICE: Break time!
SPIKE: Ah, man!


The picture faded as the lights came on. The group got to their feet, moving slowly around the room. Anya and Tara stayed together, moving across the room from the rest of them. Gunn and Wesley did the same, leaving Spike alone. Which he was just fine with.

Gunn clapped his hands together. "Great, we watched your t.v. thing, and we survived, can we go now?"

"No," the voice answered, "considering that was only one of four parts."

"Three more parts, and then we can go?" Anya asked hopefully. "Please?"

"Begging?" Spike laughed, "that's so not like you."

"Ok, break time is over." The voice again, of course. "Drinks and snacks have been provided, please be seated."

They sat.


The quad at school. Willow is sitting on a bench in front of a wall taking out her lunch. Buffy approaches her.

Buffy -
Uh, Hi! Willow, right?

Willow - (looks up)
Why? I-- I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move?

SPIKE: (as Willow) 'Cause I know how. I learned yesterday.

Buffy -
Why don't we start with, 'Hi, I'm Buffy,'

ALL: Hi, Buffy!

and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor. (sits next to her) It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Makes me look prettier. Gives people something to compare me with.
GUNN: (to Anya) You sayin' this Willow chick ain't pretty? She's a cutie. Look at that hair, and those big ole eyes. I met her last year, she's a beautiful woman.
SPIKE: (sing-songing) Someone's got a crush.
TARA: (looks over at Spike) Yeah, someone does.
SPIKE: (catches Tara's look, and stares her down, snarling at her)
WESLEY: She's gorgeous, now can we get back to the show-thing, so we can leave sometime today?

Willow -
But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?

Buffy -
I can't do both?

Willow -
Not legally.

Buffy - (exhales)
Look, I really wanna get by here, new school, and... Cordelia's been really nice... to me... anyway, but, um, I kinda have this burning desire

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...to take off all my clothes and run through the school... you think they'll suspend me for that?

not to flunk all my classes, and I heard a rumor that you were

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...gay. Is that true? 'Cause, if it is, that means we can be friends, and I won't have to worry about you stealing any of my guys. Not that you could, but, you know, it's the principal of the thing. So, are you?

the person to talk to if I wanted to get caught up.

SPIKE: (as Willow) So you want me to do your homework for you. Cool. Then I can carry your books for you. And after that I can lick your boots.

Willow -
Oh, I could *totally* help you out! Uh, if you have sixth period free we could meet in the library?

Buffy -
Or not.

TARA: (as Buffy) I just realized that you're far too pretty for me to hang out with. And too sexy. Too--
TARA: Oops. I was just-- um, so... look! More things happen!

Or we could meet someplace quieter. Louder. Uh, that place just kinda gives me

GUNN: (as Buffy) ...a wedgie.

the wiggins.

Willow -
Oh, it has that effect on most kids.

WESLEY: (as Willow) ...because of the scary middle-aged British librarian creeping around, and all the flies and other various insects all over the place.
TARA: (to Wesley) Issues with Giles?
WESLEY: (shrugs) Maybe a few.

I love it, though, it has a great collection, and the new librarian is really cool.

SPIKE: (as Willow) ...in fact, he asked me out last night! How totally cool and awesome is that? I dig older men, so I'm, like, totally in heaven right now. Wow!
TARA: @_@
SPIKE: (glares at her)

Buffy -
He's new?

GUNN: (as Buffy) I'm new too! Blue light special. K-Mart...
ANYA: (as Willow) No he's not new. He's been here for forever... he's just new to being a librarian... open your ears, Biffy!

Willow -
Yeah, he just started.

TARA: (as Willow) ...to read last night. See Spot Run is his favorite.

He was a curator at some British museum, or, or The British Museum, I'm not sure. But he knows everything, and he brought all these historical volumes and biographies, and am I the single dullest person alive?

ALL: Nope.
TARA: (to Willow) You're the most interesting person so far.

Buffy -
Not at all.

Xander hops up onto the wall behind the girls and sits on it between them.

SPIKE: Now Xander, on the other hand--
ANYA: (to Spike) Quiet, you!

Jesse stands in front of them and drops his bag.

WESLEY: (as Jesse) I'm here, all rejoice.

Jesse -

WESLEY: Oh, his was much better.

Xander -
You guys busy?

GUNN: (as Willow) No, but we're trying to *get* busy! Go away, Xander. You too, Jesse.

Are we interrupting?

ALL: Yes.

We're interrupting.

ALL: Duh!

He tosses his bag to Jesse.

TARA: (as Jesse) Oof! Dude, what've you got in this thing? Bricks?
ANYA: (as Xander) No, just Buffy's make-up supplies.
GUNN: (to Anya) That was cold.
ANYA: Really? (grins) Yay!

Buffy -

GUNN: (as Willow) What? I didn't do anything! Please don't hurt me!

Willow -

SPIKE: (as Willow) ...I just realized; I'm not a big wimpy child. I'll kick your ass. Come here, bitch!

Jesse -
Hey there!

WESLEY: Hey, Gunn!
GUNN: Hey, Wes!
TARA: Hey, Anya!
ANYA: Hey, Spike!
SPIKE: Hey, are we through with all the hey-ing now?
WESLEY: Let's hope so.

He drops Xander's bag next to his own.

TARA: (as Jesse) I've got Cordelia's hair supplies in my bag... why can't they carry their own crap?

Willow -
Buffy, this is Jesse and that's Xander.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) How neat, but we were talking about me. Can we get back to me?

Xander -
Oh, me and Buffy go waaay back, old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times, I'm quite moved.

ALL: @_@
ANYA: Why is he talking like Willow? Xander doesn't talk like that.
TARA: (to Anya) Neither does Willow. Not anymore anyway. So leave Willow out of it.
ANYA: I was just saying--
WESLEY: It's called growing. Getting older. People change. And we're moving on.

Jesse -
Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?

ANYA: See, even this guy noticed... who is this guy?
GUNN: Jesse.
ANYA: Well, I can see that. But who is he?
WESLEY: Their friend, turned the first night Buffy came to town. (off others' looks) Watcher's Council.
SPIKE: Even I know who he is. Xander never told you about him?
ANYA: (frowns) No, he didn't.
TARA: Willow never mentioned him either.
SPIKE: (snorts in amusement) She did to me.
ANYA/TARA: (frown)

Xander -
No, it's, uh, it's not you.

Buffy -
Well, it's nice to meet you guys, I think.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...not often, but sometimes I do. And it, like, hurts... do you guys ever get that? Pain with thinking?
WESLEY: (as Xander: No.
GUNN: (as Jesse) Nope.
TARA: (as Willow) Never. Unh-uh.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Huh. Weird. Anyway, back to me. We were talking about me, right? Well if we weren't, we will be soon.

Xander jumps down to retrieve the stake from his bag.

GUNN: ...but ends up tripping over his own feet, and falling on his face. (as Xander) Oops.

Jesse -
Well, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home, unless you have a scary home...

ANYA: (as Buffy) See? I knew we'd be back to talking about me. So... I'm new, my mom bought me just recently, and I like me, talking about me, thinking about me, being me. I just like me.

Xander -
And to return this. (holds up the stake) The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence. (hands it to her)

ANYA: (smiles) Xander's so cute.
OTHERS: (groan)

Buffy - (takes it)

TARA: ...and stabs Jesse and Xander in the heart before realizing they couldn't possibly be vampires since they were out in the sun.
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Um, oops.

Hah, no, um, a-- a-- actually it was for

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...my new earrings. Yeah, um, they're trendy little--I mean, big--um, dangly earrings. Neat, huh?

self-defense. Everyone has them in L.A. Pepper spray is just so passé.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I mean, forget that pepper spray... who needs protection from afar when you can do damage up close and personal, and risk getting killed more? It's a danger thing. Thrills and all that. I live life on the edge... so, what were we talking about?
TARA: (as Willow) You.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Oh, yeah, let's continue doing that. I love me.

Xander -
So what do you do for fun,

ANYA: (as Buffy) I sometimes--

what do you like,

ANYA: (as Buffy) Well I--

what do you look for in a man,

ANYA: (as Buffy) I like--

let's hear it.

ANYA: (exasperated) Shut up, Xander... and stop hitting on her. You're mine.
TARA: (to Anya) He can't hear you.
ANYA: I know that!

Jesse -
If you have any dark, painful secrets you'd like us to publish?

WESLEY: (as Buffy) As a matter of fact; there was this one time when I had this really bad hangnail, and I couldn't find a nail file, so I had to-- well, let's just say that I'll never look at whipped cream and vacuums the same way again.
WESLEY: (grins, pleased with himself)
GUNN: You're a strange man, Wes.

Buffy -
Gee, everyone wants to know about me. How keen.

TARA: (as Buffy) Let's see... I was born in a big hospital in L.A., to my mother, Joyce, and my father, Hank, who were childhood sweethearts, and--
ANYA: (as Willow) Oh, we were only kidding. We don't really want to know about you. It's a thing we do to the new kids... make them think we care, then rip their hearts out. It's a thing.

Xander -
Well, not much goes on in a one Starbucks town like Sunnydale. You're pretty big news.

SPIKE: She's not. Really.

Buffy -
I'm not. Really.


Cordelia - (interrupts)
Are these guys bothering you?

GUNN: (as Buffy) Like, yes! Thank you so much for rescuing me from these losers.
ANYA: (as Corelia) Oh. They did that thing with the 'we care about you' and the 'tell us everything' didn't they? How sad. Well, buh-bye! I've got a life to live. Over there. Away from you.

Buffy -
Uh, no!

Willow -
She's not hanging out with us.

TARA: (as Willow) We wouldn't let her do that. She's annoying.

Jesse - (stands next to her)
Hey! Cordelia!

Cordelia - (to Jesse)
Oh, please!

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) My name is not for the likes of you to utter. So knock it off.

(to Buffy) I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was canceled due to the *extreme* dead guy in the locker.

ANYA: Extreme dead guy... does that mean he isn't the walking dead?
OTHERS: (shrug)

Buffy -

GUNN: (as Buffy) I don't understand the question.
TARA: (as Willow) There was no question.
GUNN: (as Buffy) Huh? I don't get it.
TARA: (as Willow) ...nevermind.

Willow -
What are you talking about?

ANYA: (as Willow) You're confusing me.
TARA: (glares at Anya)

Cordelia -
Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker!

Buffy -

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) Oh, my God! You did it! How else would you know the guy was dead? Murderer! Murderer!
GUNN: (laughs) Nice impersonation.
WESLEY: (grins) Thanks. Had a few years to perfect it.

Cordelia -
Totally dead. Way dead.

Xander -
It's not just a little dead, then?

ANYA: Xander's funny.
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)

Cordelia -
Don't you have an elsewhere to be?

Jesse -
Y'know, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just to nibble on...

TARA: (as Jesse) I could find someone for you to do that with. I'm actually busy right now, but... I could hook you up.
ANYA: (to Tara) Hook you up? You don't talk like that.
TARA: I'm sorry. It was stupid.
ANYA: No, it was good. Really.
SPIKE: (sighs) And now we're moving past the touching pep talk, right?

Buffy -
How did he die?

Cordelia -
I don't know.

GUNN: Cordy ain't changed much... she's still not big with the deatils, is she?

Buffy -
Well, were there any marks?

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) Just the scorched burn marks. And the crushed bones.

Cordelia -
Morbid much? I didn't ask!

Buffy - (looks at everyone)
Um, I gotta book.

SPIKE: Look at how proud she is of the fact that she has a book. It's cute. Really.

I'll, I'll see you guys later.

ANYA: (as Buffy) I'll, I'll do this. I'll, I'll go there. No, let me, me do it. I'm, I'm fine.
GUNN: You sayin' she's self-centered?
ANYA: Uh-huh.

She grabs her things and leaves. Cordelia stares after her.

SPIKE: (as Cordelia) Could she *be* more self-involved?
ANYA: (as Willow) I know. She just--
SPIKE: (as Cordelia) I mean, hello, she acts like she's the only person in the world.
ANYA: (as Willow) Really. I tried to--
SPIKE: (as Cordelia) I hate self-centered people. They're so rude.
ANYA: (as Willow) Uh-huh. I was just saying--
SPIKE: (as Cordelia) Anyway, bye, losers.

Cordelia -
What's her deal?

GUNN: Five card stud.

Cut to outside the gym. Buffy sneaks up to an outside entrance. It's locked. She uses her

WESLEY: ...laser beam eyes to cut through the puny metal door.

strength to break the door and goes in, looking around to make sure no one sees her. Cut to the locker room. Buffy finds the body and pulls back the sheet.

TARA: (as Buffy) I just love the dead. They let me talk about myself all I want. And they don't judge.
SPIKE: (clears his throat)
TARA: (as Buffy) Except when they're the walking dead.

She sees the vampire bite.

Buffy -
Oh, great!

GUNN: (as Buffy) This guy's gonna take the attention away from me. Stupid dead guy.

Cut to the library. Buffy barges in.

Buffy -
Okay, what's the sitch?

WESLEY: (as Giles) I have no idea. I'm old and a librarian, not to mention stuffy and British.
ANYA: (to Wesley) You're British.
WESLEY: Not that kind of British.

Giles - (in the stacks)

ANYA: (as Buffy) No need to apologize, Giles, you can't help it if you're old and stuffy and British.

Buffy -
You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker?

Giles - (steps into the light)

SPIKE: (as Giles) That's a movie right? One of those new-fangled things the kids watch these days? I'm afraid all I know about them is that they're a distraction.

She drops her bag on the study table and heads up the stairs.

Buffy -
'Cause, it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood's been drained. (meets him) Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, ooo?

Giles -
I was afraid of this.

GUNN: (as Giles) I can't understand a word you say... I must use the translator. Also, I think we should have a secret signal... the spock thing should work. Oh, and have you a phaser?
TARA: (as Buffy) Um, no.
GUNN: (as Giles) Oh well, they're only for show anyway.
WESLEY: (to Gunn, suspiciously) Nice impersonation... and you've never even met him.
GUNN: (grins) I've had plenty of practice making fun of you.

Buffy -
Well, *I* wasn't!

ANYA: Oh, look... *she* wasn't. It's about her again. We can all relax. The world has been returned to normal.

It's my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...about anything except myself, so leave me alone, crusty old man. And stop asking out the girls here. It's icky.

Giles -
Then why are you here?

Buffy -
To tell you that... I don't care, which... I don,

TARA: She don? Is she proclaiming herself a don? Or telling him her name's Don?
SPIKE: (as Buffy) I, Don, hereby declare it... ME Day!

and... have now told you, so... bye. (turns away to go)

GUNN: Excellent conversational skills.
WESELY: Yes. She's always quick with a pun and a stammer.

Giles -
Is he, w-- will he... rise again?

Buffy - (turns back)

ANYA: (as Buffy) Duh... where am I again?
GUNN: She's the Slayer? Man... she kinda strikes me as... not too bright.
WESLEY: Oh, no, Buffy's very bright. Brightly colored.
OTHERS: (laugh)
ANYA: To be fair, Buffy is intelligent. She just doesn't always use her brains to the best of her abilities.

Giles -
The boy.

Buffy -
No. He's just dead.

Giles -
Can you be sure?

TARA: (as Buffy) No. But here, I brought him for you to watch over and make sure he doesn't rise again. Buh-bye! Have fun!

Buffy -
To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing.

SPIKE: Mmm, I'm getting hungry.
GUNN: Dude, that's beyond disgusting.
SPIKE: Do I complain when humans break out the cows and pigs to eat? No.

Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?

ANYA: (as Buffy) I have better things to do with my time. Like do my nails. And comb my hair. Go shopping.

Buffy turns and goes down the stairs. Giles moves over to the railing.

Giles -
You really have no idea what's going on, do you?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Duh.

You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning.

TARA: (as Buffy) You mean there's going to be more dead people to ruin my day? My life sucks.

Buffy -
Oh, why can't you people just leave me alone?

SPIKE: What people? Are there other people there? I thought they were alone.

Giles -
Because you are the Slayer.

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Oh! Well, why didn't you say so in the beginning? I thought you were trying to get me to join your church.

Into each generation a Slayer is born,

GUNN: (as Buffy) Neat... anyway, bye.

one girl in all the world,

GUNN: (as Buffy) Are you still talking?

a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires...

Buffy - (interrupts and joins in)
...with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires,

TARA: (as Giles) I just said that!
ANYA: (as Giles) Is there an echo in here?

to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah... I've heard it, okay?

WESLEY: (as Giles) Wow. Your repeating skills are phenomenal.

Giles -
I really don't understand this attitude. You-- you've accepted your duty, you, you've slain vampires before...

Buffy -
Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on.

GUNN: (as Giles) Oh. Never looked at it in quite that way before... guess there's nothing I can do.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) You could kill me so the next Slayer is called, and hope she's more to your liking.
GUNN: (as Giles) Right. Well then... die, Buffy! Die!

Giles -
What do you know about this town? (goes into his office)

WESLEY: (as Buffy) It's small?

Buffy -
It's two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus?

WESELY: And that as well.

Giles -
Dig a bit in the history of this place.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Ew. Now you want me to dig in the icky dirt?

You'll find a, a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, (comes back with four books) that things gravitate towards it that, that, that

TARA: His batteries are running down.

you might not find elsewhere. (sets them on the table)

Buffy -
Like vampires.

ANYA: (as Giles) Well, if you'd like to simplify it, yes.

He puts the volumes into Buffy's arms one by one as he lists off various monsters and demons.

Giles -
Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real!

GUNN: (as Giles) Yay! Evil things make me happy!

Buffy -
What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?

ALL: (laugh)

Giles -
Ah, w-- w-- w-- yes.

ALL: ...

Buffy -
Did you get the free phone?

Giles -
Um, the calendar.

ANYA: Is he talking about Jenny Calendar?
TARA: Um, no. He's talking about a bunch of pictures with dates on them.
ANYA: Well, see, if you notice her name, it is Calendar, and he was involved with her, right?
TARA: Yes. But, Willow said she-- she--
ANYA: Died.
SPIKE: Actually, Angelus killed her.
GUNN: (to Wesley) This information could've been shared with me earlier... like last year.
WESLEY: (shrugs) It was Angelus, not Angel. There's a difference.

Buffy -
Cool! But, okay, (gives back the books) first of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer.

WESLEY: (as Giles) Um, yes, that's why I was telling you about the vampires and the need to kill them.

And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know! Why don't you kill 'em?

Giles -
I-- I'm a Watcher, I-- I haven't the skill...

WESLEY: And he had the nerve to act as if *I* wasn't prepared to be a Watcher. He's as green as they come.

Buffy -
Oh, come on, stake through the heart, a little sunlight... It's like falling off a log.

Giles -
A-- a Slayer slays, a Watcher...

Buffy -

Giles -

SPIKE: (as Giles) I like to watch young women work up a sweat. Makes me feel all tingly inside.

No! (sets down the books) He-- he trains her, he-- he-- he prepares her...

TARA: (mutters) And I thought I stuttered.

Buffy -
Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me.

ANYA: She took all the fun out of making fun of her. She has valid points.
TARA: Yeah.
GUNN: Poor thing. She's got it tough.
WESLEY: But it's her duty.
GUNN: Doesn't mean she's gotta like it and be all gung ho about it.
SPIKE: Yeah, well... you don't see vampires walking around lameting their lot in life, and they had no say in what they became either.
TARA: But, Buffy said you wanted Drusilla to bite you.
SPIKE: (angry) I didn't mean me.
TARA: And vampires are evil demons happy to have a chance to go around wreaking havoc on humans.
SPIKE: Forget it!

They just look at each other for a moment. Buffy exhales, turns and leaves the library in disgust. Giles hesitates for an instant.

Giles - (to himself)

SPIKE: (as Giles) I forgot to get her phone number. Can't ask her out if I don't have her number.

He runs after Buffy. Xander walks out from behind the stacks.

Xander -

ANYA: Xander's there.
TARA: We see that.
GUNN: Eavesdropping too... tsk.
ANYA: (frowns) He didn't mean to.

Cut to the hall. Giles catches up with Buffy.

Giles -
It's getting worse!

Buffy -
What's getting worse?

WESLEY: (as Giles) The rash on my backside.
GUNN: (to Wesley) You've got a serious grudge against this guy, don't you?
WESLEY: No, not at all. Just because he constantly ridiculed me the entire year I was in Sunnydale doesn't mean I have a grudge.

He guides her over to the wall and speaks with her in a low voice.

SPIKE: (as Giles) You have something in your teeth.

Giles -
The influx of the undead, the... supernatural occurrences, it's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now!

Buffy -
Because now is the time my mom moved here.

TARA: Good answer. Good answer.
ANYA: Oh, you were being one of the contestants on the Family Feud.
TARA: Not really.

She tries to evade him, but he puts his arm out to stop her.

GUNN: (as Giles) Come on, baby, just go on one date with me.

Giles -
Something's coming, something, something... something is, is
gonna happen here. Soon!

ANYA: (as Giles) I'm going to get out a sentence without stuttering. Soon!
WESLEY: (as Buffy, gasps) Say it isn't so!

Buffy -
Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Giles -
The signs, as far as I can tell, point to a crucial mystical
upheaval, very soon. Days. Possibly less.

Buffy -
Oh, come on! This is Sunnydale! How bad an evil can there be

ALL BUT GUNN: (laugh)
GUNN: I don't get it.

Cut to outside the school. The camera descends behind some bushes and sinks through the ground into the lair of the Master. There are candles everywhere. Vampires bearing torches are gathering. The camera moves around the lair as Luke chants and eventually comes to rest on him.

Luke -
The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will
wake. The sleeper will wake,

GUNN: I'm thinking the sleeper will wake.
WESELY: I'm thinking you're right.

and the world will bleed. Amen!

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Please. Could there be more pomp and circumstance? The Master was always so bloody full of himself. Serves him right gettin' trapped down there.

Cut to Buffy's room. She's considering what to wear to the Bronze. She holds a shiny black outfit up to the mirror.

Buffy -
Hi! I'm an enormous slut!

SPIKE: Ah, she's finally realized her true destiny.

(holds up a blue floral dress) Hello! Would you like a copy of 'The Watchtower'?

WESLEY: Ha. See, I knew the church was involved.

(lowers the dress) I used to be so good at this.

ANYA: (as Buffy) I used to be able to dress myself and pick out my own outfits.

Her mother comes into the room.

Joyce -
Hi, hon.

Buffy returns her dresses to the closet.

TARA: (as Buffy) I wasn't trying to pick out my own clothes! I swear I wasn't!

Buffy -

Joyce -
Are you, uh, going out tonight?

Buffy -
Yeah, I'm going to a club.

GUNN: (as Buffy) The librarian asked me out. Thought I'd take a chance... see how things went. Hey, if I don't like him, you can have him.

Joyce -
Oh. Will there be boys there?

WESELY: (as Buffy) Who cares? I gotta man.
ANYA: What's your man got to do with me?
WESELY: I gotta man.
GUNN: (laughs) Ok, Wes, that's the last time I bring music along on a stakeout.

Buffy -
No, Mom. It's a nun club.

Joyce -
Well, just be careful.

TARA: (as Joyce) Those nuns can be vicious.

Buffy -
I will.

Joyce -
You know, I think we can make it work here. I've got my positive
energy flowing... I'm gonna get the Gallery on its feet... Oh, uh, we may have found a space today.

Buffy -
That's great.

Joyce -
Oh, and that school is a, a very nurturing environment, which is
just what you need.

Buffy -
Well, actually...

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...nurturing is bad for my complexion.

Joyce -
Oh, not too nurturing. I know, you're sixteen, I've read all
about the dangers of over-nurturing.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Yes, it may stunt my growth. Oh wait. Too late.

Buffy goes to her bed and lays out a couple of outfits.

Joyce -
It's hard. New town and everything... It is for me, too. I'm
trying to make it work. (takes her daughter's hands in hers) I'm *going* to make it work.

Buffy -
I know.

Joyce -
Oh, you're a good girl, Buffy, (pats her on the head)

GUNN: (as Joyce, talking to a dog) Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? You are. Oh yes, you are. You're such a good girl.

you just fell in with the wrong crowd. But that is all behind us now.

Buffy -
It is. From now on I am only going to hang out with the living.
(they let go of their hands,

ANYA: Detachable hands. Those are so cool.

and she picks up her dresses)

ANYA: When did she re-attatch them?

I mean, lively. People.

Buffy heads back to her closet with an awkward look on her face.

Joyce -

TARA: (as Joyce) ...maybe I should trade Buffy in for a less awkward model.

Okay. You have fun.

Cut outside later that evening. Buffy is walking down a dark street, when someone appears behind her.

WESLEY: (gasps) It's magick!

She senses that she is being followed. After walking for a ways, when she gets a chance she ducks down an alley and looks around for a place to hide. A cat yowls and kicks

SPIKE: ...Buffy in the shin, then runs away laughing.

some cans as it runs away. She spies something above her. Angel

SPIKE: (groans)
GUNN: Ha. Look at him. He's wearing blue, not black. This is a first for me.

comes into the alley but doesn't see her. As he slowly walks along, the camera pulls up to reveal Buffy in a handstand on a bar high above the pavement.

ALL: (in awe) ...wow.

When Angel has passed underneath her, she swings down and kicks him in the back.

SPIKE: Do it again! Do it again!

He is knocked to the ground, and Buffy positions herself above him with a foot on his chest.

GUNN: She just took down Angel.
WESLEY: Won't be the first time.
SPIKE: She killed him a few years ago.
GUNN: Wait. Angel died? How's that work? 'Cause, last I saw, he was alive and well in L.A..
ANYA: There was a whole big thing with Acathala, and a vortex... they explained it to me. Angel turned evil, and tried to end the world. She killed him.
TARA: After Willow gave him back his soul.
SPIKE: Spent a few months in hell. Literally. And I hear tell one day here is actually a hundred years in hell.
GUNN: ...harsh.

Angel -
Ah, heh. Is there a problem, ma'am?

Buffy -
Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me?

SPIKE: (as Angel) I wanted to know what you use in your hair. I need some poofy styling tips.

Angel -
I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite.

She backs off and lets him get up, but keeps her fighting stance.

TARA: (as Buffy) It's my fighting stance, and I'm keeping it.

Angel -
Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, or bigger muscles and all
that. You're pretty spry, though. (massages his neck)

SPIKE: That's a crock. He saw her in L.A. before she came to Sunnydale.
WESELY: How do you know?
SPIKE: Angelus told me.

Buffy -
What do you want?

Angel -
The same thing you do.

ANYA: (as Angel) Good hair care products.

Buffy - (lets down her guard)
Okay. What do I want?

Angel - (steps toward her)
To kill them. To kill them all.

Buffy -
Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a
year's supply of Turtle Wax. What I want is to be left alone!

GUNN: (as Angel) Uh, what? I don't understand teen-speak.

She starts a determined walk away.

Angel -
Do you really think that's an option anymore? You're standing at
the Mouth of Hell. And it's about to open.

She stops, turns to him and looks at him with a wide-eyed gaze.

WESLEY: (as Angel) Uh, hello? You still there?
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Oh, sorry. I was blinded by your pretty hair.

He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small box.

Angel -
Don't turn your back on this. (tosses her the box) You've gotta
be ready.

Buffy -
What for?

TARA: (as Angel) Um... stuff. I didn't know you were going to ask the specifics.

Angel -
For the Harvest.

TARA: (as Angel) ... all that reaping and sowing... it's hell on a person.
ANYA: (as Buffy) Is that, like, metaphor and stuff? You reap what you sow, or something?
TARA: (as Angel) No, I meant farm work. It's hard on a body.

Buffy -
Who are you?

SPIKE: (as Angel, dramatically) I am... Poofter Man!
OTHERS: (laugh)

Angel -
Let's just say... I'm a friend. (starts to leave)

Buffy -
Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.

SPIKE: You tell him, Buffy!

Angel - (turns back)
I didn't say I was yours.

GUNN: You tell her, Angel!

He leaves. Buffy stares after him for a moment, then opens the box.

ANYA: ...Thing comes crawling out, jumps down and scampers away.
TARA: Thing?
ANYA: Addams Family.

It contains a silver cross and chain. She takes it out, holds it in her hand and takes another glance in his direction.

SPIKE: (shakes his head) I didn't think Angel could lose any more of my respect. I was wrong.

Cut to outside the Bronze. People are arriving and meeting. Buffy is wearing the cross around her neck. She walks up to the entrance, gives the doorman some cash and goes in.

GUNN: (as Buffy) A little bribery goes a long way. If at first a guy doesn't dig you, bribe and bribe again.

Buffy moves to the music a bit. She sees a guy waving in her direction and waves back, then notices someone behind her waving back and pulls her hand down, embarrassed.

ALL: (snicker)

She finds the bar and sees Willow sitting there.

Buffy -

Willow -
Oh, hi!

Buffy walks around her and sits on the stool next to her. Willow turns to face her.

Willow -

ANYA: (as Buffy) I thought we covered that with 'hey'. Oh well... um, hi.

Buffy -
Oh, you're here with someone?

Willow -
No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up.

WESLEY: (as Willow) ...and since I'm a slave to Xander's whims...

Buffy -
Oh, are you guys going out?

Willow -
No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.

ANYA: What? They went out? He never told me!

Buffy -
How come?

Willow -
He stole my Barbie.


(Buffy looks confused)

GUNN: As do we.

Oh, we were five.

TARA: (bursts out laughing)
TARA: That was so cute! Willow's so-- *ahem*... anyway.

Buffy -

Willow -
I-I-I don't actually

ANYA: (as Willow) ...know actual words and stuff.

date a whole lot... lately.

Buffy -
Why not?

WESLEY: (as Willow) I can't even talk to you, how much better do you think I'd fare against boys.

Willow -
Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

GUNN: (to Wesley) You were right on the money on that one.
WESLEY: It's a gift.

Buffy -
It's not *that* bad!

TARA: And she'd know this, how?

Willow -
No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can

ANYA/TARA: (snort)
SPIKE: No, they're right.

Buffy -
You really *haven't* been dating lately.

Willow -
It's probably easy for you.

Buffy -
Yeah, real easy.

GUNN: (as Willow) Geez, just rub it in why don't you?

Willow -
I-I mean you don't seem too shy.

Buffy -
Well, my philosophy, do you wanna hear my philosophy?

ALL: No.

Willow -
Yeah, I do!

SPIKE: Willow, shh. Don't encourage her.
TARA: (to Spike) What was that? You don't call her Willow.
SPIKE: (confused) I don't?
TARA: No. You call her 'red', and 'witch' and... other pet names... why are you using her name now?
SPIKE: (sighs) What is wrong with you? I called her willow before she even knew you. I can't even look in *Willow's* direction without you going ballistic, so what's your problem?
ANYA: (to Tara) Are you jealous too?
TARA: No. Forget it.
GUNN/WESLEY: (share a look)

Buffy -
Life is short.

Willow -
Life is short!

GUNN: Life is short!
WESLEY: Life is short!
ANYA: Life is short!
SPIKE/TARA: (silent)

Buffy -
Not original, I'll grant you, but

WESLEY: (as Buffy) I'm not a very original girl.

it's true. You know? Why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy, and if he's gonna laugh at you. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.

GUNN: Girl's got a point.
OTHERS: (agree)

Willow -
Oh, that's nice!

Buffy looks up and sees Giles on the upper level.

TARA: (as Buffy) My date's here. Gotta go!

Buffy -
Um, I'll be back in a minute. (gets up to go)

Willow -
Oh, tha-that's okay, you don't have to come back.

ANYA: (as Willow) Please don't come back. You're ruining my rep. People think I'm actually talking to you, and it's just really damaging... so, could you not come back?

Buffy - (smiles)
I'll be back in a minute.

Willow - (to herself)
Seize the moment.

SPIKE: (as Willow) ...my ass. Seize the bitch by the throat and beat her senseless is what I'll do.

Cut to Buffy, making her way to the stairs. The camera follows her up.

GUNN: Um... where's this camera and why is it there? How come nobody notices it? I'm confused. This isn't some television show or movie... so who recorded all this?
ANYA: Probably the Powers. They interfere in everything... (realizes what she's saying) Um, I mean they keep everything running smoothly. Keep up the good work, Powers!
GUNN: Kiss-up.

Buffy - (finds Giles)
So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kinda skanky?

WESLEY: It's very skanky. Bad, Giles!

Giles -
Oh, right, this is me having fun. Watching... clown hair prance
about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be at home with a cup of Bovril and a good book.

WESLEY: Hear, hear.
WESLEY: I mean... what a dullard.
GUNN: Yeah, give me an axe, and a vampire to kill any day. (eyes Spike)
SPIKE: Give me a human to drain any day. (eyes Gunn)

Buffy -
You need a personality, stat!

WESLEY: Hear, hear!

Giles - (points to the crowd below)

TARA: (as Giles) There are people down there. They scare me.

This is a perfect breeding ground for vampire activity. It's dark, it's crowded... Besides, I knew you were likely to show up, and I have to make you understand...

ANYA: (as Giles) ...you're dressed like a harlot. It's shameful.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Well I did train at the Harlot School of Slayers. Graduated with honors.

Buffy -
...that the Harvest is coming. I know, your friend told me.

WESLEY: (as Giles) What are you talking about? I don't have any friends.

Giles -
What did you say?

TARA: (as Buffy) Well, I told him I didn't like him, and then I kicked his ass.

Buffy -
The Harvest. That mean something to you? 'Cause I'm drawing a blank.

ANYA: (as Giles) Yes, that's about all you can draw, isn't it? It's sad really.

Giles -
I'm not sure. Uh... W-who told you this?

Buffy -
This... guy. Dark, gorgeous in an annoying sort of way. I figured you two were buds.

GUNN: (as Giles) Oh, no, we're not buds, we just smoke some buds together every once in a while.

Giles -
No. The Harvest. Did he say anything else?

Buffy -
Something about the Mouth of Hell. I *really* didn't like him!

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Despite the fact that I just described him as gorgeous, I hate him. Down with Angel!

Giles moves around Buffy, leans on the railing and looks down at the crowd.

GUNN: (as Giles) I'm hip. I'm down with the groovyness of the kids these days. So... let's get down, bump uglies and have a groovy time.
WESELY: (snickers) I'm actually picturing Giles acting like that now, thanks.
GUNN: (laughs) I aim to please.

Giles -
Look at them, throwing themselves about, completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them.

ANYA: (as Giles) Wish I was down there. I, too, want to be young and carefree.

Buffy -
Lucky them.

Giles -
Or perhaps you're right. Perhaps there is no trouble coming, the signs could be wrong. It's not as though

SPIKE: (as Giles) ...I've ever been wrong before in my entire life. I'm perfect, you know. Godly even.

you've been having the nightmares.

Buffy is silent. Cut to below.

Cordelia -
My mom doesn't even *get* out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, *nobody* cool has Epstein-Barr anymore.

GUNN: (trying not to laugh) Wow... Cordelia was quite the... um... (laughs)
WESLEY: (laughs) She really was.

Jesse spots

TARA: ...a piece of the carpet.
ANYA: Bad, Jesse! Bad! Rub his nose in it.

Cordelia and comes over.

Jesse -
Hey, Cordelia!

SPIKE: No wonder this kid didn't last long. His whole vocabulary consists of, 'Hey, Cordelia!'.
ANYA: Looks that way.
SPIKE: He's just Darla's type.

Cordelia -
Oh, yay, it's my stalker. (makes a face)

GUNN: (as Cordelia) I read in Cosmo that if you make a funny face, like this, (crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue) then the annoying teenage boys trying to make conversation with you will leave.

Jesse -
Hey, you, uh, you look great!

Cordelia -
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.

WESLEY: Can't wait to get back to L.A. and Cordelia.
SPIKE: And Angel. Don't forget to mention a few things to him.

Jesse - (coughs)
Listen, uh, you know, you wanna dance, you know?

Cordelia -
With you?

TARA: (as Jesse) No. With my great uncle Morty. He may only be four feet tall, and not have his teeth anymore, be senile, and blind and deaf as a bat... but he's a serious party animal.

Jesse -
Well, uh, yeah.

Cordelia -
Well, uh, no! C'mon, guys.

She and her friends leave. Jesse is left in the dust.

Jesse -
Fine! Plenty of other

SPIKE: (as Jesse) ... sluts around here. You're not the only one, you know!

fish in the sea. Oh, yeah, I'm... on the prowl. Witness me prowling!

Cut to Buffy and Giles on the upper level.

Buffy -
I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them,

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...except Angel... but I totally hate him. He's so annoyingly good-looking.

I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...boinking him.

it. You know, if I see one, sure I'll...

AYA: (as Buffy) ...have sex with it too. But only for fun.

Giles - (interrupting)
Will you be ready? There's so much you don't know about them, about your own powers. A vampire appears to be completely normal until the feed is upon them, only then do they reveal their true demonic visage.

SPIKE: Oh, bollocks. We show our true selves quite often... to scare people. It's fun.

Buffy -
You're like a textbook with arms, I know this.

TARA: She's good with bringing up weird visuals.

Giles -
The point is,

WESLEY: (as Giles) ...I'm a big enormous geek without a thought in my head.
WESLEY: I'm dealing with the issues in my own way.

a Slayer should be able to see them anyway. Without looking,
without thinking.

SPIKE: (laughs) Yeah, that's a problem for her, doing something without thinking.

Can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building?

Buffy -

ANYA: (as Buffy) Duh! Vampires aren't real. You're such a freak. Go back to the old folks home, old man!

Giles -
You should know. Even through this mass and this... din, you should be able to sense them. Well, try!

SPIKE: (as Giles) Try, damn it! Try! You're too slow. Try, damn it!

Reach out with your mind.

TARA: (As Buffy) Ow! I tapped into Cordelia's mind and hit a wall.

(Buffy looks around) You have to hone your senses, focus until the energy washes over you, until you, you feel every particle o-of...

GUNN: (as Giles) ...the Macarena taking over your soul. Now go out there and dance! Win one for the team.

Buffy -
There's one.

WESLEY: (as Giles) What, already? Damn. I was trying to distract you so I could cop a feel. Ruin my fun.

Giles -

Buffy -
Right there, talking to that girl.

Giles -
You don't know...

ANYA: (as Buffy) Do too. I'm the Slayer. I know everything, and even if I'm wrong, I'll just pretend like I'm right until everyone is convinced of my rightness.

Buffy -
Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up, and the shirt! Deal with that outfit for a moment.

Giles -
It's dated?

Buffy -
It's carbon dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think that was still the look.

SPIKE: Um, we generally don't live underground completely. Gotta feed somehow, duh.

Giles -
But you didn't...

WESLEY: (as Giles, pouty) ...let me cop a feel. Now stand still so I can...


Buffy - (notices that the girl is Willow)
Oh, no.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...Willow's taking an elligible man from me! That bitch!

Giles -
Isn't that...

ANYA: (as Giles, to himself) ...the girl I asked out this morning? Oh well.

Buffy -

TARA: (as Giles) Um, no, my name is Giles. Gi-les... you can say it... come on, try it.

Giles -
What's she doing?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Stealing a man I might want someday. Just the possibility that I might want him makes him off limits to the rest of the world. Hello... center of attention here!
WESLEY: (to Spike) Issues?
SPIKE: (points to himself) Vampire. (points to Buffy) Slayer.

Buffy -
Seizing the

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...guy's manly package.
TARA: (giggles)


She starts down to rescue Willow.

GUNN: ...but gets distracted by a guy who looks in her direction. (as Buffy) Ooo, a man.

Cut to below. Willow is being led out of the Bronze by the vampire. Cut to Giles. He's at a loss for what to do.

WESLEY: (as Giles) I should rescue that girl! I should-- ooo! A girl!

Cut to below. Buffy has lost

GUNN: ...the guy she was in pursuit of, and decides she might as well go save Willow.

them. She tries the back. She breaks a leg off of a

SPIKE: ...cheerleader for taking one of the elligible men from her. (as Buffy) Bitch.

stack of chairs and begins to stalk. After a while Cordelia comes out of the restroom and surprises her.

TARA: (as Buffy) Cordelia! I didn't know you used bathrooms! How surprising.

Buffy reacts, taking Cordelia by the throat and pushing her up against a wall.

TARA: (as Buffy) How dare you use a bathroom I might want to use someday!

Buffy - (recognizing)
Cordelia! (she lets go)

Cordelia -
God! What is your childhood trauma?!

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Well, my mom and dad are divorced, that was hard. I cried for hours. Then my--
GUNN: (as Cordelia) Ok, that was what we call a 'rhetorical' question. Doesn't mean we actually care. Didn't Willow and Xander already teach you that?

Her entourage appears in the restroom door behind her.

Buffy -
Have you guys seen Willow? Did she come by here?

TARA: (as Buffy) ...I can't belive she went pee without me! I thought we were best friends.

Cordelia -
Why? Do you need to attack her with the stick? Jeez!

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Yes. It's a flirting thing, you wouldn't understand.
SPIKE: (to Tara) Neither would you.

Buffy turns and goes.

ANYA: ...boom.
GUNN: Aww. She was a good little Slayer. We'll miss her.
OTHERS: No, we won't.

Cordelia - (to her groupies)
Excuse me, I have to call *everyone* I have *ever* met, right now.

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) ...and tell them that Buffy carries around wooden sticks. What a freak!

Cut to the main floor. Giles catches up with Buffy.

Giles -
That *was* quick. Well done!

SPIKE: (as Giles) ...let's go have sex in celebration. I'm buying.
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Me? You want to pay me for sex? That's so wrong.
SPIKE: (as Giles) No, not you. I'd never pay you for something I can get for free.

I-I need to go to the library. This Harvest thing...

GUNN: (as Giles) ...is scary. I want to run and hide.

Buffy -
I didn't find them!

He grabs Buffy by the arm and turns her to face him.

ANYA: ...smacking her across the face. (as giles) Bad, Slayer!

Giles -
The vampire is not dead?

Buffy -
No, but my social life is on the critical list.

WESLEY: (snorts) Good to know her priorities are in line.

Giles - (lets go of her)
So, what do we do?

Buffy -
I'll take

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...my pretty purple pills and forget all about it. No biggie.

care of it!

Giles -
I-I-I need to come with you, yes?

GUNN: (as Giles) ...so then we can have sex after you stake him?
SPIKE: (as Giles) I like to follow young girls around, please let me come. Please!

Buffy -
Don't worry. One vampire I can handle.

She leaves, walking past Jesse talking to Darla.

Jesse -
So, um, what did you say your name was?

TARA: (as Darla) I didn't. Go away.

Darla -

Jesse -
Darla. You know, I haven't seen you around before. Are you from
around here?

SPIKE: (as Darla) Um, you mean from this planet?

Darla -
No, but I have family here.

Jesse -
Have I met them?

Darla -
You probably will.

TARA: (as Jesse) Cool. I like meeting people. People and me get along real well. Sometimes, I just walk around crowded areas during the day, and just talk, and talk, and people love me too. This one time--
GUNN: (as Darla) Nevermind. I actually have my quota of annoying geeks, but thanks.

Cut to the Master's lair. The Master rises out of the pool of blood as Luke kneels and looks on. He steps out of the pool

WESLEY: (as Master) Ah! Nothing like a nice dip in the pool to refresh one. Luke... could you not stare at me like that... it's gross.

over to Luke and offers his hand. Luke takes it.

SPIKE: (as Luke) At long last, my secret crush has noticed me!
OTHERS: (laugh)

Luke -

ANYA: Wow. That was quick. All it took was a touch.
OTHERS: (snicker)

Master -
I am weak.

Luke - (quotes scripture)
'In the Harvest he will be restored.'

GUNN: (as Master) Luke, I am *so* not in the mood for scripture right now. Bring me a puppy, I need a snack.

Master -
The Harvest.

Luke -
We're almost there. Soon you'll be free!

The Master reaches his arm out to test his mystical confines. They are still as strong as ever.

Master -
I must be ready. I need my strength.

WESLEY: (as Luke) Do the ab crunches I taught you, and jog for an hour, and I'll be right back with your soy burger.

Luke -
I've sent your servants to bring you some food.

Master -
Good. Luke?

TARA: (as Luke) Yes, that is my name. You finally got it right. You're a good boy, such a good boy.

Luke -

Master -
Bring me something...

ANYA: (as Master) ...buttery and flakey.


Cut to the sidewalk next to the cemetery. Willow and Thomas are walking.

Willow -
Sure is dark.

SPIKE: (as Willow) I thought I told you I wanted white meat? You disappoint me, go away.

Thomas -
It's night.

SPIKE: (as Willow) So? You afraid of the dark? I said, go away.

Willow -
Well, that's a dark time, night. Traditionally. I still can't believe I've never seen you at school. Do you have Mr. Chomsky for history?

TARA: (as Thomas) No, but I had him for dinner.

Thomas ignores her babbling and heads into the cemetery.

Willow -
Uh, the ice cream bar is this way. It's past Hamilton Street?

ANYA: (as Thomas) I want you to meet my mom while we're here. Her grave is just over there.

Thomas -
I know a shortcut.

He grabs her hand and leads her into the cemetery.

Cut to outside the Bronze. Buffy is trying to find Willow.

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Here, Willow. Here, girl... I've got nummies.

Xander -
Hey, you're leaving already?

GUNN: (as Buffy) Yep. Pretty much been there, boinked that.

Buffy -
Oh, Xander! Have you seen Willow?

ANYA: (as Xander) She's that annoying little girl that's always following me, right?

Xander -
Not tonight, no.

Buffy -
She left with a guy.

TARA: (as Xander) Willow has a guy? Hey... I find myself strangely attracted to her now...

Xander -
We're talking about Willow, right? Scorin' at the Bronze, work it girl...

TARA: (as Xander) ... and yet, I once again find myself oddly attracted to her now...
GUNN: Let me see if I get the subtext here... you're saying Xander wants Willow when she's going out with other people?
TARA: Uh-huh.
GUNN: Sounds like a guy to me.

Buffy - (interrupts)
No, I need to find her. Where would he take her?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...because, I too find msyelf attracted to her.

Xander -

ANYA: (as Xander) ...she's pale, and has all that icky red hair that she so obviously dyes, and--
TARA: (to Anya) Hey. Leave Willow alone. This isn't a take-out-all-your-insecurities-on-other-people session.
ANYA: Then you all have to stop with the 'dumb' jokes. Xander's not dumb.
SPIKE: Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, hey, I hope he's not a vampire, because then you might have to slay him.

Buffy - (taken aback)
Was there a... a school bulletin?

WESLEY: (as Xander) Yes.

Was it i-in the newspaper?

WESLEY: (as Xander) Yes.

Is there anyone in this town who doesn't know I'm the Slayer?

WESLEY: (as Xander) No.

Xander -


I only know that you *think* that you're the Slayer, and the reason why I know that...

TARA: (as Xander) ...is because I'm a nosey eavesdropper.
ANYA: Hey.
TARA: I didn't say he was stupid... I said he was nosey.

Buffy - (interrupts)
Well, whatever, it doesn't matter, just tell me,

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...you wanna get it on?

where would Willow go?

Xander -
You're serious!

Buffy -
We don't find her and there's gonna be one more dead body in the morning!

GUNN: (as Xander) Oh well. It's only Willow. So, tell me about yourself. Do you dig goofy guys?

Cut to the cemetery. Willow and Thomas are walking.

WESLEY: ...to his parent's bagel shop.

Willow -
Oh, okay, th-this is nice... and scary. Are you sure this is faster?

ANYA: (as Thomas) Sure. I kill people more quickly over here. Must be a magnetic field or something...

They reach the mausoleum.

Thomas -
Hey! Ever been in one of these?

Willow -
No. Thank you. (turns away)

Thomas -
Come on. (comes up behind her and pulls her hair back) What are you afraid of?

TARA: (angrily) I really hope Buffy kicks his ass. Twice.

He moves in toward her neck. She lets out a yelp as he grabs her and pushes her into the mausoleum. Cut to inside the mausoleum. Willow trips down the stairs and stops up against the stone coffin. She turns around.

Willow -
That wasn't funny!

SPIKE: (as Willow) ...I could've broken a nail or something, you jerk!

Thomas comes down the steps. She backs away from him, against a wall. She trips over some stones.

Willow -
I think I'm gonna go.

ANYA: (as Willow) ...bake a cake, wanna come?

Thomas -
Is that what you think?

SPIKE: (as Willow) Yeah. That and other things. Don't you have more than one thought at a time?

He comes toward her again. She skirts by him, but only because he lets her. Darla blocks her way out of the mausoleum.

Darla -
Is this the best you could do?

GUNN: (as Thomas) No, but it's all you're getting.

Thomas -
She's fresh!

WESLEY: (as Darla) I didn't want fresh, I wanted day-old, or bargain bin.

Darla -
Hardly enough to share.

GUNN: (as Thomas) Who said I was sharing. Get your own!

Thomas -
Why didn't you bring your own?

Darla - (gives him a look)

ANYA: (as Darla) Here, have this look. I got it at a K-Mart Blue Light Special.

I did.

GUNN: (as Thomas) Oh, then you're just a big ole pig.

Jesse stumbles into the mausoleum, holding his neck.

Jesse -
Hey! Wait up!

Willow -
Oh, my God, Jesse!

TARA: (as Willow) ...You're hideous... also, I just realized you have a speech impediment!

He is weak from blood loss and collapses. Willow tries to catch him and breaks his

SPIKE: ...legs, leaving him behind while she makes her escape.


Jesse -
Y'know, you gave me a hickey.

Thomas gives Darla a look.

ANYA: (as Thomas) Here, I bought you a look too. I hope you like it.

Darla - (shrugs)
I got hungry on the way.

TARA: (as Thomas) Does McDonald's serve people now?

Willow -
Jesse, let's get outta here!

Darla -
Oh, you're not going anywhere.

Willow - (confronts her)
Leave us alone!

SPIKE: Atta girl. Give her what for.
TARA: (to Spike) She's my girlfriend, I'll encourage her. Not you.
SPIKE: (sighs) What is your problem?
TARA: (mutters) Where to begin?
GUNN: Guys, duke it out later, we're almost done.

Darla -
You're not going anywhere until we've (vamps out) *fed*!

Willow screams and falls back down next to Jesse. Buffy and Xander show up.

WESLEY: (as Xander) God, Buffy, we could've been here two hours ago if you hadn't had to stop and talk to every guy we passed.

Buffy -
Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home!

SPIKE: (nostalgic) Looks like my home. I miss my home.

Buffy moves behind the coffin to draw the vampires away from the others.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Over here, vamps, here guys, over here... good vamp. That's a good vamp.

Darla -
Who the hell are you?

ANYA: (as Buffy) Buffy, the Vampire Trainer, obviously.
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Biffy, the Clown Slayer.
GUNN: (as Buffy) Buffy, the Interior Designer.
TARA: (as Buffy) Buffy, the Crypt Insulter.
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Buffy, the Self Involved.

Buffy -
You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already?

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Well, darn. Gonna have to put out more flyers.

Whew, that's a relief, I'm telling you! Having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.

Xander -
Buffy, we bail now, right?

ANYA: (as Buffy) Why, is the crypt sinking?

Thomas -
Not yet!

Buffy -
Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge!

WESLEY: (as Thomas) Cool! That's the look I was going for. I rule!
SPIKE: Like she'd even know who DeBarge is. Please.
OTHERS: Who's DeBarge?
SPIKE: Look it up, I'm not a trivia game.

The vampires close in on her. She turns to Darla.

Buffy -
Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.

Darla -
That's fine with me!

Buffy -
Are you sure? Now, this in not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...

SPIKE: Finally. A little nudity wouldn't be too much to ask for either.

Thomas roars behind Buffy.

ANYA: (as Thomas, meekly) Rowr... pfft.

She pulls the chair leg out from inside her shirt.

GUNN: (as Buffy) How did this get here?

He attacks from behind, but Buffy neatly jams the makeshift stake into his chest. He falls back and turns to ashes. Darla can't believe her eyes. Neither can anyone else.

WESLEY: (deadpan) Wow.

Buffy -
See what happens when you roughhouse?

TARA: (as Darla) No, actually... I missed it. Could you do that again?

Darla -
He was young and stupid!

SPIKE: (as Darla) I am *old* and stupid!

Buffy -
Xander, go!

Darla -
Don't go far!

SPIKE: (as Xander) Which woman do I obey? I love it when women order me around. I'm a wimp who needs to be dominated...
ANYA: (to Spike) He does not. He *is* not. Stop it.
SPIKE: But it's fun.

Buffy and Darla start to fight.

TARA: ...but then they stop, deciding to go out and have a nice cup of coffee instead.

Darla punches high, but Buffy blocks. Xander helps Willow pick up Jesse. Darla throws a

WESLEY: ...box of tissues at buffy, but Buffy blocks it. (as Darla) Don't make me mention... the vacuum!
GUNN: (as Buffy) Ahhhhhh!

backhand punch, but Buffy blocks again and follows up with a front snap kick to Darla's stomach. As she leans forward from the pain, Buffy slams her elbow into Darla's

TARA: ...thumb. (as Buffy) Take that, Darla!

back. Cut to outside. Xander and Willow help Jesse

ANYA: ...get ready for his big dance recital.
WESLEY: (as Jesse) I'm gonna be a star!

out and they start to run. Cut to the mausoleum. Darla hits the wall and falls to the floor, winded.

SPIKE: Well that's what she gets for running into the wall. she always was the stupid one.
GUNN: I think it's safe to say people get hit, others escape... things happen, stuff goes on in this part... I'm just completely on the edge of my seat.
OTHERS: (flatly) Yay.

Buffy -
You know, I just wanted to start over. Be like everybody else.

TARA: (as Buffy) Graduate from Harlot School. I'm tired of being a Harlot in Training... it gets old after the first four years. I was going to work at Escorts 'R Us, you know. Now I have to slay and save the world. Ho hum, is what I say to that!
TARA: (grins proudly) I gave Buffy issues.

Have some friends, y'know, maybe a dog... But, no, you had to come here, you couldn't go suck on some other town.

SPIKE: (as Darla) All the other towns suck on their own, I had to come here to make this one suck. Plus, this one has a bona fide Hellmouth.

Darla -
Who are you?

SPIKE: Oh please! Like she wouldn't know. I went after enough of them to royally piss off her and Angelus.

Buffy -
Don't you know?

Luke grabs her by the neck from behind.

Luke -
I don't care!

ANYA: (as Buffy) Hello! Was I talking to you? So anyway, Darla, as I was saying--

He throws her across the room. He grabs Darla and lifts her to her feet.

Luke -
You were supposed to be bringing an offering for the Master! We're almost at Harvest, and you dally with this child!

Darla - (fearfully)
We had someone, but then she came. She killed Thomas. Luke, she's strong.

ANYA: Darla's wimpy.
GUNN: Yeah, looks like. Though, I never saw her be wimpy.
WESLEY: (agreeing) Quite the opposite.
SPIKE: Gotta be an act.

Luke -
You go. I'll see if I can handle the little girl.

He approaches Buffy as she starts to get up, still a little dazed.

TARA: (as Buffy) ...duh, where are I? Who am you?

Darla quickly climbs the steps, looks back once and runs out of the door.

ANYA: (as Darla) I'm scared!

Luke attacks Buffy with a double

TARA: ...scoop of chocolate ice cream. (as Luke) Ha! Take that!

punch, but she blocks it and delivers a

ANYA: ...pizza to him. (as Buffy) Here, it's pepperoni.

punch to his gut and a hopping

TARA: ...frog to his aquarium.

front snap kick to his jaw. He steps back, but isn't fazed.

Luke -
You're strong.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) Well, duh. I'm the Slayer. I could hold you down, and sit on you and not let you up for days. Then maybe I could talk about my favorite subject. Me. I do that sometimes, and the vamps always stake themselves... it's weird.

He lands a solid backhand fist on her. She goes flying.

GUNN: (as Buffy) Wee!

Luke -
I'm stronger!

Cut to outside in the cemetery. Xander and Willow are supporting Jesse as they run.

WESLEY: (as Willow) Dang it, Jesse... I'm tired of supporting you. You need to get a job.

Willow -
We'll get the police, it's just a few blocks up!

They are stopped by a group of vampires.

GUNN: (as vampire) Excuse me. May we cut in?

Cut to the mausoleum.

Luke -
You're wasting my time.

She backs away up the stairs toward the exit.

Buffy -
Hey, I had other plans, too, okay?

GUNN: (as Buffy) I was going to have mad, passionate sex with a few unknown guys tonight. But now, because of you, that's out!

Luke shoves the heavy lid off of the coffin.

ANYA: Why?
TARA: He was mad at it?
WESLEY: Didn't like it?
GUNN: It was taunting him.
SPIKE: He wanted to show Buffy his muscles.

Buffy does a cartwheel

ANYA: (excited) Oh! I just realized why it's called a 'cartwheel'!
GUNN: ... neat.
OTHERS: (share a look)

onto and over it to avoid it and kicks Luke in the chest with both feet, knocking him down. She grabs the

TARA: ...pickle from the floor, and thwacks him in the head with it.
GUNN: You gals are strange.

stake from the floor and lunges at Luke, but he is too quick for her, and grabs her by the wrist.

Luke -
You think you can stop me? Stop us?

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Um, yes? It's sort of my job.

He grabs the stake with his other hand and breaks it. Then he grabs her by the shirt.

TARA: (as Luke) This is *my* shirt! Give it back!

Luke -
You have no idea what you're dealing with.

He throws Buffy

SPIKE: ...a quarter. (as Luke) That enough for your services tonight?

onto the rim of the now open coffin. She rolls off onto the floor, dazed. Luke gets up and starts

GUNN: ...doing pirouettes, and singing in a strange, high-pitched voice.

toward her, quoting scripture.

Luke -
'And like a plague of boils, the race of man covered the Earth.'

GUNN: Again with the scripture... he practicing to be a vampire evangelist?
WESLEY: Wouldn't be the first. Remember Harmony?
SPIKE: (shudders) You killed her, right?
GUNN: (extremely chipper) Nope!
SPIKE: (groans)

Cut to the library. Giles is paging through an old volume and stops on a picture of Satan with lightning coming from his hand to a man's.

ANYA: ...ass.

Luke -
'But on the third day of the newest light would come the Harvest. And the blood of men will flow as wine.'

Cut to the Master sitting in an intricately carved chair.

WESLEY: (as Master) Now... let's see if we get the TLC channel down here. I just love that Trading Spaces show. It's always such a hoot! Oh, I hope Ty's on today, he's a cutie.
GUNN: (laughs) Cordy's gotta stop watching that at the office when you're around.

Luke -
'When the Master will walk among them once more!'

Cut to Xander, Willow and Jesse surrounded by vampires, including Darla.

Luke -
'The Earth will belong to the old ones.'

TARA: (as Buffy) Ew. Old people are gross and icky. Can't we give it to my generation?

Cut to Buffy. Luke is in her face.

ANYA: (as Luke, effiminate) Oh! You could use a facial, dear! The area around the eyes is getting a little wrinkled.

Luke -
'And Hell itself will come to town.'

SPIKE: (as Buffy) It already has if I have wrinkles. Eek. Run. The apocalypse is here.

He grabs Buffy and growls. He lifts her by the throat and throws her

TARA: ...onto a bed of flowers, and soft, sweet, cuddly things... then proceeds to kill her, horribly.

toward the coffin. Buffy flips over in a front layout and lands in the coffin next to a skeleton,

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Jerry Garcia, is that you?

and lets out a quick scream, but then

SPIKE: ...remembers that she's the Slayer, and shouldn't be afraid of skeletons.

remains silent, only breathing. She can't see or hear Luke. She slowly starts to

WESLEY: ...sing. (as Buffy) I'm 'enery the eighth, I am, 'enery the eighth, I am, I am...'

get up. Suddenly Luke jumps up and into the coffin.

ANYA: (as Luke) Your singing sucks!
TARA: (as Buffy) Wah! I'm gonna tell my Watcher on you, you big meanie!

Luke - (smiling widely)

He moves in to bite Buffy.

To Be Continued...


Everyone jumped up, looking around for an exit, but none appeared. Spike strode over to the wall, away from the others, and lit a cigarette. He already knew they weren't getting out of there anytime soon, since there was another part to this crap they were being forced to watch. He wondered how long it would take others to realize it.

Probably a couple of hours. One hour to wait, another hour to whine about it. He sighed, wondering who had them here, and why.


The next part may be a while... I've got way too many stories going, but I get bored easily, so I end up stopping on one and working on another. Plus, I'll be on vacation for a few weeks, and I doubt I'll be online much. Sorry.