A/N: Started this back in April, it's based in 4x14 (Bizzy's funeral episode). Please review & also check out (and review) my other recent Addisam updates, 'Hiding My Heart', 'You're Everything', 'We Could Get Lost' & 'I know you have a little life in you yet' :)
'hold my hand and we're halfway there'
Sam lay with Addison in her childhood bed holding her close to him, his hands gently brushing against her back and her arms, as her breathing softened slightly he rolled her away from him and started to take the tight bun out of her hair, running his fingers through it as she buried her face into his chest.
"She killed herself Sam" she said with a slight whisper "I, I thought we were, we were going to be ok but, I walked back into her room and she was just, dead, she left me a note and, there was an empty pill bottle next to the bed and, she'd killed herself, I was, I was never enough for her" her voice cracked a little as more tears started to fall.
"She loved you Addie" he said softly "That wasn't about you, I know you know that"
"I shouldn't have left…."
"Don't start blaming yourself" Sam said pushing Addison's chin up so he could look her in the eye, brushing tears away with his thumb "Do not blame yourself"
"She didn't want anyone to know" she sniffled.
"Nobody needs to know" he whispered "Not if you don't want to tell anyone"
"But Archer and, the Captain they, shouldn't they know?"
"If you think they should, then you tell them Addison, Bizzy should never have expected you to keep it all inside" Sam leaned in and kissed a tear away from her cheek.
"We're Montgomery's Sam, we're not supposed to show emotion" Addison said quietly.
"You are not just a Montgomery, you're my Addie" he said softly "The woman I love, and I never, ever want you to hide your emotions from me, you are not like them, you are not the person you've been pretending to be, you show emotion, you do, and I need you to keep on doing that, ok?"
"Ok" she nodded with a whisper.
"I'm sorry" he whispered as he noticed bruises forming on her arms, kissing them lightly "I didn't mean to hurt you"
"I know" she said quietly "I know you'd never hurt me like that Sam"
"I just don't want you to slip away from me" Sam said into her ear as his arms came around her, his chin resting on her shoulder, both of them holding onto each other "I love you Addie"
"I love you too" Addison whispered back "Don't let me push you away, please, I can feel myself pushing you away and I, I don't, I don't want to lose you, I can't lose you"
"I am not going anywhere" he said firmly, holding her face in his hands "I'm right here, I am here Addison"
"She told me to stick with you" she said with a small smile "Bizzy, before, before I left, she told me you were a nice guy, and I should stick with you"
"Well, right about now would be a great time to start listening to your mother" he smirked, she laughed a little and cuddled into him.
"I think I'm going to stay a little longer" she said quietly "There's still a lot to do here, The Captain won't be able to do it by himself and Archer, well he won't be any use, he'll probably leave soon"
"I can stay" Sam said softly "I can help"
"No, you go" she yawned "I'll be fine, I promise, I'll even call you every day"
"If you're sure" he said kissing her forehead "Do you want to sleep now?"
"I want, I want to take a shower, I need to wash away this day" she breathed out.
"I could go and get us some food…"
"Shower with me" she said kissing him "Please, I need, I need you, just you, please"
"Ok" Sam whispered as he kissed her "I'm right here, whatever you need I'm right here"
Addison slipped off the bed and took his hand, pulling him into her bathroom with her.
1 week later.
"God will you cheer up" Amelia groaned as she watched Sam pick at the sandwich in front of him at the practice.
"What?" he said looking up at her.
"You look miserable man" Cooper said patting his shoulder "She'll be back tomorrow"
"I know" Sam nodded "Sorry I just, she didn't sound so good on the phone last night and…."
"She's fine" Amelia sighed "She is"
"I hope so" he said quietly.
"You hope so what?" Addison asked from the doorway.
"Hey" Amelia laughed "I didn't think you were coming home until tomorrow"
"Yeah well, everything that needed to be done was done and the jet was ready and waiting so, why wait?" Addison shrugged.
"Glad to have you back Addison" Cooper said kissing her cheek on his way out of the kitchen.
"I uh, I've got to go and deal with a patient but, we'll catch up later?" Amelia asked.
"Sure" Addison smiled, watching her leave "Do I not get a hello?" she said turning to Sam.
"Sorry I just, you're home" he breathed out with a smile as he stood and pulled her into a tight hug, burying his face into her hair and breathing her in "You sounded so down on the phone last night" he mumbled into her shoulder.
"I was just, ready to come home" she said quietly "I should've called but, I wanted to surprise you"
"Well you did, and I am so glad you're here" Sam said kissing her lips gently "I have one appointment left today and that's in about 10 minutes, but after that, how about we go back to your place, have a nice, long, hot bath together, and then curl up on the sofa and eat chinese food"
"Sounds perfect" Addison smiled "I've missed you" she whispered, kissing him again.
"I've missed you too" Sam whispered back.
"Hey" Naomi said with surprise as she stepped into the elevator to find Addison about to step out, they stepped back and they stood in the lobby together "You're back"
"Yeah" Addison smiled "I was all finished up so, I left early"
"It's good to see you" Naomi said giving her a loose hug.
"You too" Addison said with a small smile.
"Look about me and Archer…" Naomi started.
"It doesn't matter Nae" Addison chuckled lightly "It's not my place to tell you who you can and can't sleep with, and it's not like you haven't slept with him before and I, I'm not exactly in any place to tell you you can't be with someone now I'm, well, you know"
"I know" Naomi nodded "I just, I know it was a tough time for you, and I wouldn't have wanted to, upset you any further"
"You didn't" Addison said squeezing her arm lightly "Nae I, I was thinking maybe you and I could do something one night, go for dinner or, have a girly night in, y'know, like we used to"
"I'd like that" Naomi said with a small smile "I, I miss you Addie"
"I miss you too" Addison said quietly "I'm sorry for making things harder"
"Don't" Naomi said reaching out to touch her shoulder "Don't apologise, you're not, you have nothing to apologise for, I need to get over it, you and Sam, it's clear to everyone that you really love each other, he's had a face like a lost puppy all week" she laughed quietly "I'm the one who needs to try harder"
"How about we both try harder?" Addison smiled.
"Deal" Naomi nodded "So you're heading home?"
"Yeah, I'll call you and we'll make a date ok?"
"Ok" Naomi smiled, pressing the call button on the elevator again "It's good to have you back Addie"
"It's good to be back" Addison smiled before heading out to her car.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" Sam asked as he looked across the bathtub to Addison.
"No" she sighed "I just want to be here with you"
"Ok" he smiled.
"Have you done anything interesting while I've been away?"
"Not really" he shrugged "I spent a day with Olivia, tried the whole time to get her to say Grandpa but, nothing"
"She'll get it soon" Addison chuckled "She loves her Grandpa Sam"
"She's getting so big" he sighed "It feels like yesterday when she was, this tiny little thing, all of that back then feels like yesterday"
"But it's not" she said softly, reaching out and squeezing his knee "It was a long time ago, and now we're here"
"And now we're here" he smiled "I love you Addie"
"I love you too" she smiled, he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it gently before they both relaxed again.
1 week later.
"So…Africa? You're going next week?" Addison asked as she sat with Naomi in her living room, both of them drinking wine.
"Yeah, just for a couple of weeks though, I know I probably don't need to ask but…"
"I will make sure at least one of us has contact with Maya while you're away" Addison smirked.
"Thanks" Naomi laughed, they both looked up when they heard a knock on the patio doors, Sam waved at them through the glass and Addison waved him in.
"What's up?" she asked.
"I can't find my cell, can I…."
"Have a look around" Addison finished "Do you want me to call it?"
"Sure" he nodded, Addison picked up her cell and dialled his number "It's ringing" she told him, he stopped in the middle of the living room and listened out for it, he heard a noise come from the kitchen and went in there to look "Got it" he called out "It was in the refrigerator" he said with a slight laugh as he walked back into the living room.
"I don't even want to know why your cell was in my refrigerator" Addison laughed.
"Well I cooked breakfast this morning so, it must've been from then" he shrugged "So um, I'll go, leave you ladies to it, don't get too drunk ok?"
"We won't Sam" Naomi smirked.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" he said to Addison, she nodded with a small smile and he leaned over to kiss her lightly "Bye" he whispered.
"Bye" she whispered back, he squeezed her shoulder before heading back to his house.
"He never looked at me the way he looks at you" Naomi said softly "He really loves you"
"Nae" Addison sighed "Naomi he was so in love with you, don't ever disregard that, I know what you're feeling, when I saw Derek look at Meredith the way he did, it hurt, and it took me a long time to realise that it didn't mean he loved me any less when we were together, it's just a case of, moving on, and you have someone who looks at you like that Nae"
"No I don't" Naomi said with a sad laugh.
"Gabriel Fife, I know things were rough back then with Maya and William but, Fife loved you, and I'd put money on him missing you like crazy, and I think you miss him too"
"What am I supposed to do Addison? Just call him and tell him I want him to come back? I broke his heart"
"I hurt Sam" Addison said quietly, bring her legs to her chest so she could rest her chin on her knees "When I was with Pete, I hurt him, and I thought he was going to tell me to go to hell when I asked for a chance but, he didn't, and you have to trust that Fife won't either"
"Since when did you have any faith in all this stuff?" Naomi laughed.
"My Mom killed herself Nae, I found her in her hotel room next to an empty bottle of pills and a note, she was so unhappy without the person she loved she wanted to end her life, and I hate her for it, I hate that she gave up like that but at the same time, it made me realise that you have to just, go for what your heart wants while you still have the chance, she spent decades having to hide who she was, I don't want to be in that position, nobody should be"
"I'm so sorry Addison" Naomi said sadly "You should have said before…"
"She didn't want anybody to know, and I tried to respect that as best I could, I told Sam eventually and he helped me tell Archer but, the Captain doesn't know, or at least I don't think he does, I'm just trying to move on now"
"Well I'm here for you" Naomi said, reaching out her hand and squeezing Addison's "I know things won't ever be the same again but, maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's really time for, change"
"To change" Addison smiled, raising her glass.
"To change" Naomi agreed, bringing her glass to meet Addison's.
1 year later.
"Addison, honey are you ok?" Naomi asked gently as she found Addison daydreaming in the kitchen at the practice "You look a little pale….Addison"
"Huh, what?" Addison stuttered "What were you saying?"
"You look a little pale, are you ok?" Naomi asked as she put her hand on Addison's arm.
"I think I'm pregnant" Addison whispered "But I can't be, right? It's not possible, you told me…"
"It's not impossible" Naomi said quietly "I'll go and get a few tests"
"You have dinner with Fife…"
"Fife can wait, this can't, do you want to call Sam?"
"No, no there's no point in bringing this up unless I am which I'm probably not, it's probably just the flu or something, I'm probably not pregnant"
"But you could be" Naomi said with a soft laugh "Go and wait in the bathroom, I'll be right there"
Addison let out a breath before heading to the bathroom to wait for Naomi and the pregnancy tests.
"Well?" Naomi asked as Addison walked out of the bathroom.
"What are you doing here?" Addison asked Amelia who was also waiting for her.
"She cornered me and saw the tests, sorry" Naomi winced "It's only Amelia"
"Yeah, it's only me" Amelia smirked "Come on, out with it, what's the verdict? Is your eggo preggo?"
"You are never watching Juno again" Addison said with a roll of her eyes.
"Addison" Naomi said impatiently.
"I haven't looked" Addison sighed heavily "I can't"
"I'll do it" Naomi said, holding out her hand "Give it to me" Addison passed the test over and washed her hands "Addie, Addison you're pregnant" Addison froze as she dried her hands "It's positive"
"Oh my god" Amelia laughed.
"Oh my god" Addison mumbled, taking the test back and looking at it for herself "Sam is going to kill me"
"Oh honey, why would you say that?" Naomi laughed "Sam is going to be so happy"
"He doesn't want a baby right now, maybe not ever…"
"You are such an idiot" Amelia smirked "You've got a freaking miracle baby inside you right now and Sam treats you like a Queen, so get your ass home and tell him he knocked you up so we can celebrate already"
"You're not supposed to be mean to me" Addison said with a slight pout.
"She's right though" Naomi laughed "Addison this is, this is amazing news"
"It is? You really think so?"
"I really think so" she said softly "This has been a rough year for you, for a lot of us, this is great news, and I can't wait to be an Aunt"
"Thank you" Addison said tearfully, wrapping her arms around Naomi.
"You don't need to thank me Miss Hormones" Naomi laughed as she hugged her back "Now seriously, go home and wait for Sam, your secret is safe with us, right Amelia?"
"Right" Amelia nodded "I swear"
"I'm pregnant" Addison laughed "I can't believe I'm pregnant"
"Babe, I'm home" Sam called out as he walked into what had recently became the house he shared with Addison "I brought chinese food, I know you were craving it yesterday, Addie?" finding the house empty he set the chinese food down on the kitchen counter and headed out onto the deck, smiling when he saw her curled up on a lounger "Hey babe, I brought home dinner"
"Hey" Addison said quietly "You're home"
"I'm home" he smiled, reaching down to kiss her before perching on the side of the lounger "Are you ok?"
"I'm pregnant" Addison said simply, biting her bottom lip a little "I did a test today and, I'm pregnant, and I know you didn't really want this yet and it's completely unexpected and I, I'm not supposed to get pregnant but it's happening and…"
"Oh my god" Sam whispered, bringing her hand to his lips and kissing it gently "We're having a baby, we made a baby"
"Yeah" she whispered tearfully "We did"
"This is, this is good, this is a good thing" he smiled, bringing his hand to her stomach "I can't believe I ever doubted us doing this because right now, god I'm happy, we're going to be a family, we made a gorgeous little miracle and I can't wait to do this with you"
"I love you" Addison sniffled "I love you so much"
"I love you too" Sam whispered, pulling her up into his arms to kiss her "I brought chinese food, you said you were craving it last night, I guess this is why"
"Did you get egg rolls?" she mumbled against his body.
"I got egg rolls" he said with a soft laugh, they pulled apart a little to kiss before heading back into the house and cuddling up on the sofa with their chinese food.
8 months later.
"Hey" Addison said quietly as she walked out of her bathroom after her evening shower to find Sam sitting up against the headboard, their 1 month old son Ben sleeping on his chest as he read the paper "How's everything out here?"
"He's fed, burped and changed and fell asleep pretty much as soon as I put him on my chest"
"Well it is a nice place to sleep" Addison laughed as she dried her body and changed into a pair of Sam's pyjamas "I need to get rid of this baby belly" she mumbled as she put her hands on her stomach before putting on her shirt.
"Addison" he said with a soft laugh "You're beautiful, even more beautiful to me than ever"
"You're such a suck up" Addison laughed, curling up next to him and resting her head on his shoulder.
"I'm telling the truth, I could never lie to you, you know when I'm lying"
"I guess that's true" she said with a soft laugh "But still, you have to say that to me, I gave birth to your son"
"Well it's true ok?" Sam smirked "I'm gonna set him down, let's go downstairs and fall asleep in front of a movie"
"Ok" Addison laughed "Sweet dreams my angel" she whispered, kissing the back of Ben's head softly, Sam settled Ben down in the moses basket by the bed and they both went downstairs, baby monitor in hand, they slept through the last hour of the movie.