Ummmm, no explanation. In fact, the explanation's pretty much in the summary!
This was inspired by "Rules for Not Getting Squished" by StoleTheSpider, so if you liked that hopefully you'll like this! Megs, would you like to do the honors?
Megatron: MUST I?
Me: Yes. Yes, you must.
Megatron: *rolls optics* FINE. If she owned us... *points at me* We'd be screwed. Enjoy the guidelines.
1. Be grateful to Megatron for even considering to take in a fleshy.
Okay okay. Let me explain... I didn't MEAN to act disrespectful. I was asleep, for Primus's sake. It was just my first day, and Starscream had happily shown me to my room. I thought he was just being nice - I mean, some people who are on the bad side are genuinely nice people.
Last time I ever make THAT mistake.
Okay, so I was sleeping in my bed, or "berth" as Screamer had called it. You know, just minding my own sweet business, arguing with a Dreamland Deb's store manager. She wouldn't sell me the dress I wanted, just because they were sold out! Totally rude, right? But it can't be helped, because their service, much like that of Gap, sucks... sucks, sucks, sucks, it really suuuuuuucks... especially the Dreamland versions!
All of a sudden, there was a crash which obviously caused me to wake up. I was scared shitless, not that I need to say that because it kind of goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway.
Megatron came thundering into the room (yes, THUNDERING because he was that pissed) and just snatched me up like I was a little worm and he was a hungry birdie. He was roaring at me that why the Pit was I in his berth, who the frag did I think I was, and all that scrap. Meanwhile I was shaking like nobody's business, sobbing and defending fairly unintelligibly that Starscream said this was my room and I shouldn't have trusted him and would Megatron please beat the ever loving slag out of him because I was too little to make a dent?
Megatron, of course, didn't buy my story. I guess he believes a slimy little aft-hole over a teeny tiny squishy. He gave me a rather impressive string of Cybertronian swear words, then heaved me right outta the room as if I were a weak l'il peanut. He then proceeded to yell at me that I better get my scrawny little aft out of the vicinity before he blasted me to Alpha Centauri, and to next time think before I decided to be such a disrespectful and ungrateful youngling.
I still have a bruise on my aft. And my side. And my leg. And my head may need X-rays.
Oh yeah, and I fully plan to get revenge on Stars-creepin'-in-the-girls'-locker-room. Last time I ever trust that guy - I'm going to treat him as much as scrap as he treats me. SO HA TAKE THAT WORLD!
2. Starscream doesn't like coming out of stasis with smiley faces all over his armor.
Of course, you may ask me why I should CARE that he doesn't like this. The answer? I shouldn't. But apparently, it's one of the things that might get me stepped on. I have no idea why Starscream doesn't like being happy...
So anyway, here's how it happened. Remember the revenge on Screamer I was talking about in the first rule, that was inevitably inevitable? Yeah. I had finally figured out how to get back at him.
Okay, so as you may or may not know, Barricade actually doesn't mind me. It's probably the fact that I'm almost as super sadistic as he is, or maybe it's the fact that we're both mega bitches. Whatever it is, he kinda sorta likes me - as much as a Decepticon can like a human, anyway. So he was my cohort/fellow evil plotter in this evil plot/conspiracy against Screamer. Because he hates Screamer for... ah, well, I'm not exactly sure what he hates him for, but the fact stands that Barricade has a thirst for Screamer's Energon. (I wonder how Energon tastes, anyway...? I bet it tastes like space candy.)
So I was sitting around with Barricade (my nickname for him is Barracuda, but he's not addressed by it in print, because he's cool), blaring Jessie J so loud I was surprised Megatron didn't complain. As much as Barricade hated humans, he liked our music better than Cybertron's music. Plus he puts up with it because I like it. 'Cause he's awesome, if I haven't mentioned that like sixty bajillion times already.
We were both on the berth, because it was big enough that we could both fit. He was sitting up and polishing his weapons, and I was lying down with my eyes closed. Idly I mentioned that my first day here Screamer had been a total fragger to me, and that I wanted to smack his aft around but I was so small and what could I do?
Barricade snickered, and he told me that Screamer absolutely hates when anyone messed with his paint job, and why didn't I take that into consideration? So I shot right up, grinned, and was out of the room before Barricade could blink, muttering something about heading to the Obnoxiously Bright Yellow Paint Warehouse.
While I was at this oddly but aptly named paint shop, in addition to the yellow paint, I also purchased a small thing of black, and two paintbrushes. One was little. One was big. I had much fun at this warehouse.
So then I went back to the base and displayed my devious tools to Barricade. He approved immensely. Then he mentioned to me, once again rather offhandedly, that Screamer was in stasis. I think he definitely wanted me to exact my revenge on Screamer. He probably put up security cameras in Screamer's room so he could catch the whole thing on video from different angles.
I ran off to do my dastardly deed.
At last, it was done. And I thought Screamer was looking pretty good; he certainly looked a lot more cheerful. I'd even painted some nice-looking smiley faces on his wings, and for Primus's sake I added little angel wings to represent Screamer's Seeker wings.
But, um, if you should ever decide to do something like this, especially to a Decepticon... I have some advice. When you're done painting, haul aft outta there, dude. Don't stop to admire your handiwork! You wanna know why? Because as I was doing so, Screamer came out of stasis.
Oh, I yelled and cried for Megatron and/or Barricade to come and help me. But Megatron was too busy with... uh... whatever it is that Lord Megatrons do. And I guess Barricade was too busy laughing his aft off from wherever he was watching the security cameras. If there were even security cameras.
Screamer almost threw me off the roof. He was pissed. I don't really know why, I was just trying to help him improve his outlook on life. Who couldn't be happy looking at cute little smiley faces?
... A Decepticon Seeker, that's who.
I tried to apologize by offering to wash it off. But he wouldn't let me near him, he thought I'd add more smileys. Or hearts. Or rainbows. I guess he likes being dead on the inside, since he never smiles or laughs or does anything vaguely that displays any kind of joy.
I'm not allowed to leave base without an escort anymore, which kind of sucks because none of them take me anywhere fun. I don't get to go to McDonald's, or on a tour of the fireworks factory, or that store with all the shiny power tools.
And they poof into holoform and accompany me into the store. Let's play a guessing game, boys and girls: Can you GUESS how many times I've been mistaken for Blackout's girlfriend? Or Brawl's girlfriend? Or Barricade's life partner, "Moonbeam"? (That one kinda makes me sound like a hippie, which is super awkward.) Although, not once have I been accused of being Screamer's anything, except thorn in his side.
Maybe I should just call him Starscream from now on, and avoid any further damage to my person. I've been trying to be nicer to people, even if those people are giant metal Doritos hellbent on my destruction.
... But I'm sure living with the Decepticons will quickly break apart this odd human concept of kindness. Can't wait for that.
Let me know how you liked it! And remember, I don't own Transformers! Like Megs said, if I did, they'd all be screwed sideways!
Sideways: EXCUSE ME?
Me: What the hell are you... OH. Uh, no, Side, not like that. I didn't mean you, I meant... hehe... *wink wink nudge nudge eh*
Sideways: ... Somehow I think I'd prefer it if you'd meant ME. *runs for the hills*
Reviews are welcome! Thanks for reading! ^^