Oops, number 4 is a little longer...
But hey! We finally find out my little character buddy's name. Also, Skywarp's personality is basically Skywarp from TF Animated. That's why he's a spineless jellyfish, because I love the TFA Decepticons. Especially Starscream and his clones... but also Blitzwing 'cause he's funny. "OH SLAAAAG!"
Oh yes! And I'd like some suggestions for future ones, if you guys have any ideas.
... I do not own The Pacifier, Real Steel, iCarly, or Hugh Jackman. THOUGH THAT LAST ONE I REEEEEAAAAAAALLY WISH.
3. Movie Night with the Decepticons just isn't gonna work.
I thought I was being nice by trying to introduce some quality family time. After all, maybe if they bonded a little more, there wouldn't be so many guns to the aft and everyone wouldn't be at each other's throats. I mean, I know Brawl likes fighting and all, and that's cool... but he takes it way too far. He's like mecha Kenpachi Zaraki from Bleach. (PLEASE don't tell him about it though, that'll just put ideas in his helm.)
I guess a double feature was a bad idea. Especially since the first movie was The Pacifier (starring Vin Diesel!) and the other one was Real Steel (starring the sexy Wolverine - I mean, Hugh Jackman!).
I think the last one kinda pissed them off.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have sent out a bulletin that said my gathering was supposed to be a class on how to kick some Autobot aft. Because, uh, in case you couldn't tell, that was a total lie. Yeaaaaaahh... definitely shouldn't have done that.
Oh yeah, and you'd be surprised to know that Starscream keeps a giant TV in what's known as the Rec Room of Death. It's big enough like a regular TV for them, and it's like a movie screen for me! So we all win.
The Rec Room of Death, logically, was where I held my super-fun, groovy, bonding-flavored activity. It's a wonderful room, with lots of space for sparring. There's also a cool gymnastics set for this one 'Con named Alice. Well, I mean, that's what everyone calls her anyway. She's pretty cool, and she's not usually a bitch to me because I'm the only other girl on the base. I guess she gets lonely, but hey, she shouldn't go around freaking people out with that impossibly long tongue of hers. It's a little disturbing to humans.
I also wanted to use this as an opportunity to apologize to Starscream. (Yeah, since I'm being nice I can't call him Screamer anymore, which is a shame 'cause it's a better fit.) I admit that my revenge on him was kind of mean, even though he was mean to me first. So after some thinking in the shower (that's where the best thinking is done, have you noticed how no two fortune cookies are alike? Confucius must have taken a lot of showers...), I came up with an apology present.
I also tried to make some chocolate-chip apology cookies - they're sorry-tastic! - but I suck at baking. Ask me to actually cook something, like a chicken or a can of clam chowder, I can do that. But flour and yeast and eggs just have it out for me, I swear. So that was botched, and I had to settle for just Movie Night.
So anyway, I sent out the invitations. I even gave one to Megatron. As previously mentioned, the tagline was Wanna kick Autobot aft even harder than normal? Meet me in the Rec Room of Death at 8:00 sharp! Although, having signed my name at the bottom, they probably knew it wouldn't be anything of the sort. (Except Brawl. Don't tell him, but he's not exactly the brightest Crayola in the box.) They all decided to humor me, though - even Starscream - and for this, I was grateful.
It would have been a better idea, though, to have everything set up before my skyscraping buddies arrived. But as fate (and my laziness) would have it, 8:00 rolled around and I was still untangling cords. My deceptive pals were gathering, and there I was, a bumbling mess trying to figure out which cord went to the DVD player and which went to the Wii.
"What is this all about, femme?" Megatron growled, presumably looking ready to bite my proverbial head off. (So I was unusually glad that my back was to him.)
"Come now, let's give her a chance to explain herself," Barricade chuckled. Then he turned to face me. "What is this all about, femme?"
I briefly let go of the cords, facing my robotic chums. "Greetings, might Decepticons! I am so very humbled - and just tickled seven shades of magenta! - that y'all decided to show up to my crazy l'il shindig. Means so much to me-"
"What's the point?" Starscream groaned.
"Oh, uh, er - point?" I grinned nervously, bending down to grab the still tangled cords. "Move Night, that's the point! I can't seem to find The Pacifier - yeah, yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Frenzy, you sneaky little bitch - so we're just going to watch Real Steel. It's killer. Now, who wants some popcorn and who can help me untie these fragging cords?"
With Alice's help (barring her disturbing tongue), I eventually got the cords untangled and the movie started. But by then, Brawl (who was upset that my kicking aft message was fake) had already eaten all the popcorn. So all I had was soda pop.
The hellish torture began after the movie was over. Either my alien friends were offended by the movie's concept... or they all had something against Hugh Jackman. (Of course, that second one is sooo ridiculous - I mean, Hugh Jackman's too sexy for his shirt. And preferably, in my universe, his pants too.)
I was chased. For three hours. And then cornered! I spent a full night sleeping in the bathtub. Not even Alice or Barricade showed me any mercy. Thankfully I only had one shot fired at me (again, lookin' at YOU, Frenzy, you pint-sized little bitch!), but my night wasn't much fun either way.
As the famous Key of Awesome "Tik Tok" parody on the internet once said... sleeping in a tub can really mess up your neck. And I am NOT entering Scalpel's office for any reason. Even if my head falls off. Somehow, I know he'd manage to make it worse.
4. "But come on, this thing could brain Primus!" isn't a valid excuse for walking around swinging a sock full of fresh apples at your comrades.
Clearly I've been watching too much iCarly, but hey, it's their fault for not including that little disclaimer in the beginning. You know, that thing they have on stuff like 1000 Ways to Die (and boy, does Megatron love that show for some reason; I think he wants to sparkbond with it, but I don't have the heart to tell him that's impossible) saying that there are imitate-able acts on the show and impressionable viewers should not watch. You know... like, uh... four-year-olds and... angsty pre-teen boys and... seventeen-year-old human femmes with short attention spans.
So, I cleverly redesigned Sam Puckett's "butter sock". Only instead of butter, I took the liberty of having my budster Barricade drive me into town, to that all-organic hippie supermarket. And of course they figured that was a nice, good, wholesome place I was allowed to go. (AHAHAHA the Decepticons good and wholesome! That's a laugh! Should I be worried about what they consider "good and wholesome"?)
I decided that if I only bought a bag of apples, it would look kind of suspicious, like I was TRYING to get myself put in the dungeon for the trillionth time. So I did not just buy apples. I also bought red peppers, bananas, pineapples (just like regular apples except regular apples are too small for SpongeBob to live in), two watermelons, some cucumbers, a carton of mushrooms, carrots, and a coconut.
Why all of that? Well... it would be a good cover, since I could tell my pals I was making a veggie tray and a nice little fruit salad - and they, not really knowing how humans prepare their food and clearly not noticing that everything I got was either hard, sticky, or shaped like a nightstick, would be none the wiser.
Besides, if this little fun party went awry, I could defend myself with the cucumber. And you know what? I think the employee made a little mistake. I asked which one was best, and he seemed to have accidentally given me one shaped almost exactly like a laughably big dick. (Don't worry, I got back at the asshole. I said I knew this really nice, hot girl who was single and a great kisser. Hahaha, have fun on your date tomorrow, Alice... maybe I'll send Brawl over there to be all "Hey! Whatchu doin' with my girlfriend, buddy!" and scare the piss out of the guy.)
So anyway. We got home from the hippie store, and I proceeded to put all my edible unmentionables in the fridge. (Nah, I'm not talking about panties you can eat, though I've heard of those and kind of wonder: what do panties taste like? How do you make panty-flavored panties? Do they lick a piece of fabric and go "Okay, boys, now make that into a flavor"?) I left the sack of apples on the counter, explaining it to Barricade as apples didn't need to be refrigerated.
Once I was done putting everything else away - probably to either ward off Decepti-attacks or make a lovely snack later - I turned my attention to my sinister apples. I managed to smuggle them past everyone else into my room. Alice raised an eyebrow at me, but I bribed her with the date; so she just grinned and said, "I didn't see anything with my pseudo-organic fish eyes!"
... Yeah, she's a bit of a weird one, but she's the only other girl until we find a full-on femme.
In my room, I found one of my old Christmas socks. It was an atrocious little thing, with reindeer printed all over it and little jingle bells that actually jingled. Ughhhhh. In short my mom and I had an ongoing War of the Wills where she got me things she knew I didn't want... and that sock deserved to die. In fact I think it wanted to die. It didn't have any hopes or dreams worth accomplishing. (Besides, it would expire soon enough since I'd lost its mate a while ago...)
I climbed up onto my berth with the ugly sock, and spilled out my bag of devious, shiny, pretty red apples. I put the sock on my lap and went through all of the apples, carefully selecting only the biggest and crunchiest. No, I didn't bite into them. I banged them against the berth, the surefire test of if something would go... soft... on me. Like that poor little citrus-scented Optimus Prime soap carving I sacrificed last month. (May Soaptimus Lime rest in peace, and I hope the real one's face spontaneously cracked right up the middle when I did that.)
I inserted all of my mightiest warriors into the hideous sock, and tied up the end with a nice, thick pink rubber band. I tested it out a few times, and my poor berth came out of the affair with a couple of dents. However, Cybertronians were made of tougher stuff than the scrap-heap-grade metal my bed was made of...
Time for another, heh heh, taste test.
"FRENZY YOU PINT-SIZED LITTLE FRAGGER! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIIIIIIIIIIDE FROM LADY JUSTICE!"
Unfortunately, I should not have yelled that before leaving my room. Because once I went lurking in the hallways, I saw neither hide nor tail of Frenzy. He's scared of me because he has this stupid idea (cough cough) that if I got too angry I would morph into a techno-vamp and feast upon his delicious, bite-sized circuitry.
So I decided to go give Skywarp a panic attack. That was always fun.
He was in the Rec Room of Death, shivering under a blanket and watching a horror movie - oh wait. No, that wasn't a horror movie, that was Care Bears. Damn, is there nothing that makes him cower? He's probably even scared of his own shadow.
I skipped into the room, holding my Hard-On, as I had dubbed my apple sock, behind my back. "Hi Skywarp!" I chirped, leaning against the giant couch where he was sitting.
"Ah!" He jumped and shot a wide-eyed look (well, technically optics, but would you add a k with that suffix...?) at me. He only calmed down a little when he realized it was me. "O-Oh... T-Tristy, it's you."
I blinked innocently, as if I wasn't plotting his destruction as I spoke, and came in front of him. "Aww, Sky, you didn't spring another oil leak, did you?"
"N-No, I'm fine..." He quickly offlined and onlined his optics. "Um, d-did you want to keep me company? The evil bears are really scary..."
"Heehee! You're so adorable, Skywarp." I got closer and prepared my swinging arm. "But, uh, you know... there was something I wanted to tell you, now what was it..."
He raised an eye ridge. "M-Me? You wanted to... tell me something?"
"Yeah. Oh, I think it was something like, uh..." I pulled my apple sack from behind me and let it fly, straight into the armor of his leg. "FEEL MY HARD-ON!"
"AAAAAAAAAAH! No, no, NOOOOO! It burns! Oh Primus! GET AWAAAAAAAAY!"
I followed him out of the room with my Hard-On, still squealing, "YOU'RE MY BITCH NOW, SCAREDY-BOT!"
Needless to say, after I tailed him in a hopelessly cliche Scooby Doo scene - complete with 80's chase music, "Eight Days a Week" by the Beatles, courtesy of Barricade - I was sent to Megatron's throne room. Surprisingly my Hard-On had still not been confiscated, though I had managed to make Skywarp glitch and crash at the same time, which was awesome.
The way Megatron said my name was not good. "Tristyn Foley." If he growls while using your full name, he's double dipped and you're double fucked.
"Y-Yes milord?" I squeaked out, rapidly getting to my knees and bowing my head so far it nearly crashed into the ground.
"Skywarp is going to be in the med bay for an entire stellar cycle. Reveal your weapon."
Translation: fork over the Hard-On, you stupid little organic femme. I pouted and got on my knees, holding out my sock. "This thing."
He raised an eye ridge. "What... is it? Besides aesthetically offensive."
"It's a sock. I filled it with apples." I untied it and pulled one out, and was going to take a bite of it but thought better and just slipped it back in.
"So I could give Skywarp anxiety. My first target was Frenzy, but the little fragger hid from me." I sulked. "He was probably in plain sight, too."
He vented, and shook his helm. "As amusing as you or anyone else found it, that is not a valid reason to walk about the base with your bare little organic pedes and assault your teammates. Apples are another contraband item now."
"Oh, but come on!" I held up my Hard-On. "You see this thing? This thing could brain Primus! I'm not even kidding, if I swung it hard enough-"
"You have no excuse, Tristyn!" he roared. After a few non-kliks he calmed down and cast his optics over me. "Your punishment is one deca cycle in the med bay with Scalpel. You caused the damage to Skywarp, you will assist in repairing it."
The only reason I got off that easy was probably because Megatron wanted to look at the security tape from the Rec Room of Death and figured the whole thing would be just as funny as he processed it would be. (And it was.)
I walked out of there feeling shot down, without my Hard-On, and pouty. I didn't get very far down the hall before Thundercracker passed me, looked down, and blatantly pointed out to me, "This is why we can't have nice things, femme."
That was when I broke down bawling. I was too far gone to even be helped by Sunstorm's frantic and insincere kiss-assing.
Thanks fer readin'! ^^