Author's Note: I have to admit that I was a little stuck on how to work this chapter until the idea of using some episode titles from the entire show's history brought me inspiration. If I counted them correctly, there should be 73 in all. I offer props to anyone who recognizes any of the titles and major awe to anyone who recognizes the corresponding Doctors. ;) If anyone wants me to send them a copy of the list of the episode titles that I used, just shoot me an email. :)
The Tyme Ageny for this 'verse was first mentioned in Lad's Night Out.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who.
Chapter 3 If The Brake Shoe Fits
Jack is standing next to the Doctor at the curb watching the three drivers park their dealership's respective cars before they head off to breakfast after assuring that they'll be back in an hour to pick up the cars. He turns to the Doctor and asks curiously, "How did they arrive here so quickly?"
The Doctor tugs on his ear as he admits, "Well, Donna and I made these calls a couple of days ago so that it would be all set up and ready to go at a moment's notice."
Jack smirks ruefully and acknowledges, "Well played, Doc. So who do you two know that would be willing to do all of this?"
"Anybody who doesn't know Wilfred Mott," replies the Doctor in earnest. "And of course, being the future son-in-law of the Vitex heiress didn't hurt." A gleam lights his eyes, brighter than any that Jack has ever seen, as the Doctor throws out his arm to indicate the cars. "Shall we?"
"Fine," pouts Jack as he trudges closer to the car, only stopping to ask the Doctor a question. "Out of curiosity, what's the beef that you have with my owning a smaller car anyway? I mean, I know you prefer bigger on the inside and all, but why is the size of my vehicle so important?"
The Doctor places his hand on Jack's shoulder and solemnly states, "Jack, I'm over nine hundred years old. I am a very, very old man. Is it really too much to ask that I be allowed to ride in a decent car?"
"Then how do you explain your car?" asks Jack in honest confusion.
The Doctor's indignant sputter grinds to a halt when Donna approaches the two of them with the jingle of car keys. "Alright you two, let's check out the transportation!"
"I call shotgun!" shouts Jack as his arm shoots up into the air.
"Idiot!" berates the Doctor. "You can't call shotgun when you're the driver!" He shakes his head in disgust before sporting his usual manic grin as he turns to the women and yells, "Shotgun!"
Mistaking their silence for disappointment, the Doctor attempts to console them. "Aw, I'm sorry ladies but I am a designated driver after all. Jack will require my insight in regard to the vehicle's console. However, I'm sure that you will still be able to offer plenty of your own from the backseat. Remember, behind every great man is a great woman."
"Yeah," mutters Rose to Donna as they make their way to the car. "And that woman has to have a lot of tolerance and patience to put up with that man."
"Hmmph," grumps Donna. "Or at least have a cricket bat."
"Well, come on, everyone, get inside!" urges the Doctor. "We're off to a mission of the unknown, it's like standing at the warrior's gate!"
"More like we're four to doomsday," mutters Jack dejectedly.
The Doctor steers Jack towards the driver's side of the car while he enthuses, "Wait until you try out these cars, Jack Harkness! You'll finally see what you've been missing out on! It'll be an awakening, a true enlightenment!"
The four friends enter the car and immediately relax into their seats, all except for Jack. His grip on the steering wheel is so tight that it almost appears as if the bones of his knuckles are going to protrude through the skin.
He breaks out into a cold sweat and barely manages to gasp, "This car is huge. What do you call it?"
"It's a Highlander!" declares the Doctor. "There is nothing more reliable than a Highlander in my personal experience. Not to mention that it's the same name as your father's pipes. That has to be a good sign, right?"
Jack's wild eyed stare darts around the interior of the car as if searching for an enemy lurking in the shadows. "My father would not like this car," he insists gravely.
The Doctor smirks, "Of course your father wouldn't like this car, he drives a lime green Volkswagen Brasilia. What did Sarah Jane call it at Christmas? Oh yes, the Green Death."
Ignoring the Doctor's gibe, Jack increases his grip on the steering wheel and asks pitifully, "Who makes a car this big anyway? A planet of giants?"
"Yes," remarks the Doctor snidely, "unlike the vehicles that you seem to prefer. Who makes those cars, eh? A celestial toymaker?"
Donna speaks up from behind and reminds him, "Come on, Jack. You promised that you'd give these cars a chance. Just take a deep breath and relax." She leans back in her seat and sighs in absolute bliss. "Now this is a real car."
"Yep," agrees the Doctor. "Unlike the banana that you drive around town in," sniggers the Doctor.
"Oi!" growls Donna. "My car is not a banana, it is painted daisy yellow." She crosses her arms over her chest as she looks out the side window. "And don't you start thinking it's a banana either. I don't want to come outside and find you licking it!"
"One time, Donna Noble! One time I do that and you never let me forget it!" He mimics her pose and grumbles, "I was only trying to find out what type of car wax you use to make your Citroen look so shiny."
Donna grimaces in disgust while she demands, "What is it with you aliens of London anyway? You're all so weird."
The Doctor's about to fire off a retort when Jack begs, "Can you two please not yell in here? It's creating an echo."
The Doctor sulks as he slides down in his seat but continues to defend his honor. "I'm not weird. Even half human, I still have a superior biology; my senses are much more refined than the average human." He lifts his head and sniffs the air appreciatively. "For example, someone in the last three days wore the scent of black orchid while driving this car."
"Wow," states Donna with fake enthusiasm, "that's so impressive." She leans back against her seat and requests, "Just promise me that if you ever buy a dog that you won't start sniffing its bum in greeting."
"I had a dog," responds the Doctor in an icy tone, "and I never did that!"
Rose groans in exasperation. "Leave off, you two! I feel like I'm at a primary school reunion."
"Why is it so hot in here?" pipes up Jack. "It feels like I'm trapped in an inferno." He wipes his brow with the back of his hand and breathes, "It's like being on a planet of fire."
Sensing Jack is about to beat a hasty retreat, Donna leans forward and grips the Doctor's shoulder while urgently whispering, "Doctor, we're losing him!"
Nodding discreetly, the Doctor leans over to inspect the console in search of the air conditioning. When he doesn't find what he's looking for, he turns his attention to the adjustment controls on the steering wheel. "Easy fix, that is, once I locate the good old AC and…ah, here it is!"
One hard jab of the button and the Doctor stares aghast as Jack finds himself pinned against his seat, his arms and legs squirming around in a futile attempt to dislodge the air bag that the Doctor has just deployed.
The Doctor's face scrunches up in despair while Rose and Donna just gape in horror. "Oh," peeps the Doctor, "I'm sorry." He pulls out his sonic and deflates the air bag. "I'm so, so sorry."
Jack pants heavily as he tries to restore his oxygen levels and the Doctor, appearing greatly abashed, quietly states, "Well, perhaps this isn't the car for you after all. Shall we try the next one?" Jack slowly turns his head and gawks at him in sheer disbelief. "Allonsy?" offers the Doctor hopefully.
Jack's fiery gaze lands on the Doctor as he blindly reaches out for the door handle and jerks the door open to take flight. The slamming of the car door echoes throughout the interior until the Doctor breaks the silence. "Well, that went much better than I anticipated. What do the two of you think?"
"Absolutely," agrees Donna wholeheartedly. "I'm actually surprised that he lasted this long."
"True," murmurs Rose compassionately. She sighs, "Poor Jack. I knew that it was a long shot but I was hoping that today would go a lot easier on him."
"What do you mean, 'easy on him'?" questions the Doctor suspiciously. "How did you know what Donna and I were planning?"
"I didn't," replies Rose. "But how else could a day of car shopping possibly turn out with you two dominators?"
Rose exits the car smoothly, shutting the door on the Doctor's and Donna's simultaneous exclamations of "Oi!" She spots Jack sitting on a bus bench holding his head in his hands and she immediately makes her way over to him.
"Plotting your escape?" asks Rose kindly as she sits next to him. Jack smiles ruefully in response and she suggests, "You know, I could put in a call to Torchwood for you. I'm sure that there's something out there right now that requires our help." Jack finally flashes a true smile when Rose poses, "Maybe an android invasion or a French tart horribly mutated by Ianto's special blend?"
The synchronized slam of two car doors alerts them that Donna and the Doctor are heading their way. The Doctor stops about six feet short of Jack and Rose, his hands shoved deep inside his pockets and a sheepish grin on his face, until Donna gives him a hard shove to move him forward.
The Doctor clears his throat awkwardly and tugs on his ear as he attempts an apology. "I'm sorry about the pressuring you to buy a bigger car and the whole air bag thing, Jack. Although, I must admit that I was very impressed at your ability to hold your breath. Especially since you don't even have an extra respiratory bypass."
"Yeah, it must have been all that lifeguard training," proclaims Jack. "I love the thought of saving lives and keeping others from harm." He stands up and pokes a finger into the Doctor's chest. "That's why you're still standing."
The Doctor is about to retort when Jack holds up his hand and cuts him off with his next few words. "Now I'm willing to accept what you consider to be an apology as long as we get a few things straight. First off, I consider all of you my friends and so your opinions mean a lot to me. That's why I asked for your help today." He gives both Donna and the Doctor a stern expression. "Which is why, as Rose said earlier, I would like today to be a fun outing and not a battlefield for survival."
The Doctor and Donna quietly nod in agreement and the Doctor tentatively holds up his hand asking Jack's permission to speak. Jack nods his consent and the Doctor cautiously inquires, "But we can still check out the other two cars, right?" At Rose and Jack's looks of exasperation, the Doctor speedily adds, "Because they're already here and it would be a shame to make waste of the drivers' time."
The Doctor and Donna glance at each other in silent hope while Rose and Jack do the same in contemplation of the situation. Finally, Jack concedes to examine the other cars. "Fantastic!" exclaims the Doctor gleefully. "Which one would you like to try first?"
Jack glances over at the other two cars, one an Expedition and the other a Quest. "It's a real twin dilemma, Doc. Either one is going to freak me out." He sighs miserably as he takes in the size of both cars. "I guess they didn't have any school buses available, huh? You take your pick, Doc. I can't decide."
"Yeah," mutters the Doctor, "it's a real mindwarp." He scans the remaining cars and decides to go for the Expedition. "Here," he says as he directs Jack towards the car, "we'll try this one. You'll love it. It's silver and so shiny."
Donna quips, "Does that mean that you're going to lick it?"
"One time!" shouts the Doctor while shooting a glare at Donna before turning back to Jack with a soothing tone. "Now just take it easy, Jack. There's nothing to get upset about. You're simply letting your completely unfounded fears get the better of you. Remember, fear is nothing but the invisible enemy, don't let it control you."
Jack gazes at the Expedition with a fair amount of trepidation and bemoans to himself, The Silver Nemesis, this car is going to give me night terrors for weeks.
"Come on, Jack," urges the Doctor as he pushes him towards the car, "no more planting your seeds of doom. Everything will be fine, I'll be right there beside you."
"You will not!" insists Jack. "That's the other thing that I wanted to tell you! I want Rose or Donna next to me; you can ride in the back!"
"Wh-wh-what?" sputters the Doctor as he eyes the backseat with distaste. "That's where loud, whiny children and the elderly sit!"
"Then you should feel perfectly at ease either way," coos Donna as she walks over to the car and slides in the front seat.
"Fine!" grumbles the Doctor as he and Rose enter the car and sit themselves on the backseat. "Well, what's taking so long?" he grouses. "Let's take it out for a test drive!"
"What?" squeaks Jack. "You want me to actually drive this thing?"
"That is what cars are usually intended for, Harkness!" barks the Doctor.
"Hey! Easy there with your reign of terror, Doctor!" admonishes Rose. "A robot would have more compassion than what you're showing right now!"
"If he wanted me to show compassion then he should have let me sit up front instead of the Grandma's seat!" complains the Doctor.
Jack's wide terror filled gaze swings toward the Doctor as he snaps, "A Timelord, my eye! You're behaving more like a Time Monster!"
"I always thought he was more of a Time Meddler," muses Donna.
"Try a Time Warrior," asserts the Doctor smugly.
"Well, right now you're behaving more like an unearthly child. Now, can we put an end to World War Three or do I need to start slapping somebody?"
Everyone falls silent until the Doctor mutters, "I swear, living with the Tyler slap is like living with the Hand of Fear."
"What was that?" demands Rose with an arched eyebrow.
"Nothing, my love, I was just plotting out the best course to take for our test drive. We'll definitely want to avoid Tate Street, I noticed a terrible gridlock there when we walked back from Liane's shop."
BANG! The big bang from a backfiring car passing by deters any further retort on Rose's behalf and sends Jack into a babbling frenzy that even the Doctor would be proud of. "Did you hear that? It's a sign. We shouldn't drive this car. Besides, nobody likes expeditions. You think you're on a nice little expedition, enjoying the scenery, and then suddenly…BANG!...you find yourself on a planet of spiders trapped in their web of fear!"
Donna places her hand over Jack's hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. "You have issues. You know that, right? Now, are we going to decide where we're going or just sit here until midnight?"
"I don't want to go anywhere," whines Jack in a petulant tone as he crosses his arms across his chest in a pout. "And you can't make me."
"Oh, don't be like that, Jack," cajoles the Doctor in the same persuasive tone that he uses whenever Tony is being stubborn. "We'll merely take a quick spin, somewhere with free parking. As cheap as you are, that must be your idea of Utopia."
When Jack remains motionless, Donna moves her hand from his hand to his knee and squeezes. His eyes slowly trail from her hand, up her arm, straight into her bedroom eyes that are shooting him a brazen and alluring gaze. She leans in close and purrs throatily, "Jack, if you promise to give this car a quick drive, the barest movement, then I can assure you that I will make any traffic we encounter the best 42 minutes of your life."
Jack gulps audibly and pants heavily while his imagination runs wild and he is finally able to murmur huskily, "That's a very specific and exact number, Donna. How did you arrive at that?"
She tilts her head and flashes a seductive grin at him. "It's a Timey-Whiney thing."
"That's Timey-Whimey, Donna Noble, and you know that!" roars the Doctor from the backseat while Rose tugs on the back of his coat to pull him back down onto his seat.
Donna momentarily breaks the mood when she turns to shout, "Shut it, beanpole! I'm working here!" She turns back around to trail her fingers softly down Jack's face and inquires, "So, what do you say, Jack?"
Jack giggles nervously and asks, "Well, where would we go?"
Tired of being ignored, the Doctor leans forward between them and points down the street. "How about, right there? No, wait, there, go there instead. Then if we turn left, we should avoid the area with the gridlock."
Jack nods his head and grips the steering wheel. "Yeah, right."
"No," states the Doctor, thinking that Jack misheard him. "I said turn left."
"Right," agrees Jack as he swallows harshly as he shakily reaches for the key in the ignition.
The Doctor is about to correct him again when Donna faces them both and counters, "Hey, Abbott and Costello! Not that this isn't the greatest show in the galaxy, but can we move the bloody car already?"
"Okay," declares Jack. "Here goes." The car lurches forward about two feet when Jack presses his foot down on the accelerator before he slams his other foot down on the brake. "Well, that's enough for me. Is everyone ready for the last car?"
"What?" questions the Doctor. "Did we even move?"
"Jack," hums Donna in her most comforting tone, "what about those forty-two minutes?"
"I'm sorry; Donna, but I just can't do it. Those two feet that we drove already made me feel like I'm on the edge of destruction." When she throws him a steamy gaze and even attempts an imitation of Rose's tongue in teeth smile, he firmly insists, "Not even if it's forty-five."
"Don't worry, Jack," consoles Rose. "It's human nature to be nervous when you're trying something new. We can just sit here and chat until you feel up to trying out the next car or we can skip it all together."
At this suggestion, Donna swings her gaze over to Rose and rants, "Oh, by all means, Rose, we'll just let this little Voyage of the Damned be all for naught, shall we? In fact, why don't we give up on car shopping and just stay here? We could even move in and make a reality show of it, call it The Lodger. We've got the Ultimate Foe here who tosses aside every idea we throw at him, The Lonely Angel back there with the god complex and we'll bill you as The Girl Who Waited. It'll be wizard."
"Wow," remarks Rose dryly. "And I thought the Doctor was the one with the cold blood. Tell us how you really feel, why don't you? And where would you be Donna, during all of this?"
"I'd be the first one to leave the show, of course," replies Donna. "Somebody has to spread the gospel of idiocy that you all seem to revere so much!"
The Doctor makes one last academy try and pleads, "Jack, my boy! What about our treating this as an adventure? Think of it, cruising through the streets at high speeds, searching for adventure wherever you go! The thrill of the chase, the crusade against boredom instantly alleviated by your creative and ingenious driving attempts that hold us all in thrall."
Jack twists in his seat to face the Doctor and questions, "How about the rescue team that has to pull us out of the fiery and twisted wreckage of what once used to be this car because I was too scared to drive it properly?"
"Fine, have it your way," relents the Doctor mutinously, "but we are going straight to the last car."
"Seriously?" asks a dubious Jack. "That's all you've got? You're not going to try and charm me with another snakedance?"
"No," responds the Doctor tiredly. "You've beaten me. You've worn me down and worn me out. I just want this little car shopping expedition over with."
"Hmmm," drones Donna. "So how does it feel to be the one who's licked for a change?"
"One time!" wails the Doctor before he exits the car leaving the others to various fits of laughter.
Once they've managed to control themselves, they exit the car as well and find the Doctor holding a gaggle of keys. "Who was the previous owner of this car?" muses Rose. "A janitor?"
The Doctor smiles fondly as he takes them in and reminisces, "They're quite fitting for a Quest actually. They remind me a bit of the Keys of Marinus. Now that was some quest. I'll have to tell you about that some time. Which reminds me of another quest, once a very long time ago, it was a search for the Key to –"
"Tyme?" murmurs Jack. The Doctor's so shocked that he can do nothing more than nod his head in surprise while Jack explains, "It's right here on the key ring, the Tyme Agency. They must have been the previous owners."
"The Tyme Agency was in possession of this car?" groans the Doctor. "Now, I hate it. Forget it, let's go."
Jack's grin could light up a Christmas tree until Donna intercedes and grabs both retreating men by the arms. "Oh, no you don't. It's the last car and we're checking it out. We went to a lot of trouble to arrange this private viewing and we're not letting it go to waste, especially since I was the one who had to pay!"
"Oh," bleats the Doctor, "was I supposed to contribute something as well? I thought that arranging all of this was your own personal gift to Jack."
"No, pencil neck, we were supposed to go Dutch!" hisses Donna.
"That's my girl!" crows Jack. "Okay, everybody inside, but this time I want Rose to sit next to me."
Jack opens the driver's side and freezes in place as he realizes how much bigger it really is on the inside. Noting this, Rose leans across her seat and inquires gently, "Jack, are you alright? It's okay, just take a deep breath and relax. Jack? Remember to breathe, okay?" When still no response is forthcoming, Rose begs, "Alright, how about blink?"
"Fantastic," mutters Donna from the backseat. "Now we're going to have fight him tooth and claw to get him in here."
"Brave heart, Jack," encourages the Doctor, sitting alongside Donna. "There's a liquor store around the corner if you need a shot of courage. Just try not to break into any inappropriate songs."
The Doctor's potshot hits its mark and rouses Jack from his stupor. "You mean like 'Highway to Hell?' No, that would be more appropriate for your car, what with its state of decay and all. What's with you and old crocks anyway? Rose told me about your TARDIS. It sounds like it should've been in some space museum."
Both the Doctor's smile and tone are as venomous as a cobra as he replies, "Sticks and stones, Harkness. Now, why don't you show me that you're bigger on the inside and get in the car?"
Jack reluctantly plops himself down into the driver's seat and shuts the door. He worries that he's about to black out when the darkness of the interior practically engulfs him. "Why is it so dark in here?"
"The bulb burnt out overhead," explains Donna. "Don't worry, you can still look around. If need be, we'll use the idiot's lantern."
"What?" gasps the Doctor in outrage.
"I think she means your probe," poses Rose cheekily.
"For the last time, it's not a probe! It's a sonic screwdriver!" howls the Doctor. He falls back against his seat in a frustrated sulk chanting in a barely coherent mumble, "It's not a probe because I don't probe people."
"It's just…it's just…it's just so dark in here. I feel like I'm in the Underworld," whispers Jack. Donna rolls her eyes as she taps her fingers atop the arm rest between her and the Doctor. "Could you please stop doing that?" implores Jack. "It feels like the sound of drums pounding in my head."
Rose places her hand on Jack's shoulder and suggests, "Jack, why don't you close your eyes and picture your happy place?" She's instantly surprised when a smile of pure serenity breaks out across his face. "Well, that was easy. Where exactly is your happy place?"
"Paradise Towers," chirps Jack in extreme bliss. "They hold D & D tournaments there every year." He releases a small sigh of contentment as he confesses, "I'm picturing Donna there with me."
Donna snorts, "He wishes."
Jack slowly opens his eyes but the silence of the car is deafening and the darkness begins to envelop him. Rose! he wails. "I feel like I'm falling through a huge, black void."
Rose's reaction is instantaneous. She bellows, "That's it, we've come to our journey's end! I want everybody out of this car, right now!
Jack is more than happy to comply and hurriedly jumps out of the car with Rose while Donna stares at the Doctor, completely dumbfounded. "Is she serious?"
The Doctor shrugs and sing-songs, "Fear her." He sighs loudly and declares, "Well, we're rubbish partners in crime." He gives Donna is best puppy dog pout and asks, "Isn't there anything that you can do to convince him to buy it? Say, use your wiles?"
"What do you suggest I do, Spaceman? Entice him into the backseat and seduce him?"
"Would you?" requests the Doctor hopefully. Donna's answering glare is only a mere warning before the Doctor is soon rubbing the back of his head in reprimand. "Ow, that hurt, Donna! You could've just said 'no'."
She snarls, "That's for being so stupid, you pillock! Any more barmy ideas like that and you can forget about being last of the Time Lords, we'll all be finding out if we prefer the next Doctor."
"I don't regenerate anymore, Donna," replies the Doctor smugly.
"I know," responds Donna with an insidious smile before leaving him to rejoin the others. She spots Rose and Jack with their heads together, deep in conversation, and storms over to them. "Alright, I surrender. Pick out whatever roller skate that you want to drive around town in but when we go out, we use my car!"
Jack and Rose sport matching grins as the Doctor exits the car, still rubbing the back of his head. "Okay, Harkness, it's the eleventh hour. Which car are you going to pick?"
"Thanks to Rose, it's already been taken care of," answers Jack enigmatically. "In two hours time, my new car will be dropped off at the curb. Now, how about we all head over to the Ale Ye Inn for a nice leisurely breakfast? It should be no problem since they don't have a closing time."
"Might as well," concedes Donna as she spies the returning drivers. "It looks like we've come to our parting of the ways. Look at them, the Happiness Patrol, each one so sure that they've made a sale. I guess that they didn't count of the Armageddon factor over here. Come on, Spaceman, let's send them on their way so we can go have breakfast."
**********Two hours later**********
The quartet returns to find Jack's new car already parked by the curbside. Jack and Rose are over the moon with their choice, the Doctor and Donna not so much.
"What in the name of the High Council is that?" asks the Doctor slowly as he takes in the car.
"That's my new car, Doc!" claims Jack proudly. "Rose had the Whistle painted blue, the exact same shade of your Citroen. Now we match!" He throws his arm around the Doctor's shoulder and inquires, "Isn't it great?"
"Fantastic," grumbles the Doctor, quickly followed by mouthing, 'You're dead, Tyler', to a completely unrepentant Rose. "Well, it looks like we've come full circle."
"So, what do you think, Doc?" questions Jack gleefully.
"I think that it's the end of my world," states the Doctor sadly, "and the beginning of my backache."
Totally oblivious to the Doctor's state of unhappiness, Jack walks over to the boot of his car and pulls out a wrapped package that he hands to the Doctor. "What's this, Jack?" he questions.
"Open it and find out, Doc!" urges Jack with a huge grin.
The Doctor opens the package to find a license plate, but not just any license plate, a specialized one. He peers down at it as he reads 'SHTHPPNS'. How appropriate.
"Oh, look," interjects Donna, "he bought you a new license plate."
The Doctor simply offers her a glance of disdain before turning to Jack and requesting, "Again, I ask you what this is?"
"It's my new license plate," exclaims Jack joyfully. "Shot Hippens was my favorite western hero when I lived in America. He always shot from the hip and never missed a single shot. I always swore that I'd find a way to use his name on a license plate. So, will you use your sonic screwdriver to put it on for me?"
The Doctor's expression exhibits one of pure distaste as he replies, "No, I will not. Neither I or my sonic are going anywhere near that plate or car."
"How about we make a bet, Doc?" suggests Jack. "If I ask you to explain something and you can't do it, then you have to attach the plate to my car. Deal?"
"Deal," states the Doctor as the two men shake hands in agreement. "There's nothing that I can't explain. Genius, me."
"Great," remarks Jack confidently. "Then you'll have no trouble explaining women to me."
"What?" squeaks the Doctor.
"Women," reiterates Jack while pointing at Donna and Rose. "Like those two over there."
The women stare back at the Doctor with eyebrows arched in fascination, eagerly awaiting his reply. His eyes dancing back and forth between Jack and the women, the Doctor sees no escape available to him and huffs, "Give me the bloody plate," as he whips out his screwdriver.
"Thanks, Doc!" beams Jack. "Can I do anything to help?"
"Yes, actually, I could use your assistance. Could you please grab my toolbox from the backseat of my car? The door's open."
Jack laughs as he strides over to the car. "Yeah, I guess nobody would try to steal this relic, right?" The Doctor watches in malignant glee as Jack opens the car door and screams his heart out. He immediately slams the door shut as he plasters himself against it while trying to remember how to breathe.
Rose rushes to Jack's aid while Donna stares at the Doctor in confusion. "Didn't I tell you?" ask the Doctor nonchalantly while throwing his screwdriver into the air and catching it with one hand. "I finally made it transdimensional so it's bigger on the inside."
He heads over to Jack's car and whistles a jaunty tune to the accompaniment of the sonic's hum while he attaches the license plate on Jack's new car. He smirks to himself, See, Jack? Size matters after all.