WARNING! WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING A GENDERBENDER FIC! TURN BACK NOW IF YOU'RE A YAOI FAN OR ANTI-GENDERBEND OR ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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"That's it! I have had it! I have FUCKING HAD IT!" Without even bothering to knock, I promptly thrust my leg into Sir Leader's door, the flimsy slab of wood flying inwards and crashing against the file cabinet set behind it, causing a ear-shattering, metallic bang to echo throughout the office and the force of the impact to knock the poor door off a few of its hinges. But despite my rather dramatic and destructive entrance, Sir Leader does not bother with halting in his paperwork to acknowledge me, or even take a single moment to glance at me either. Instead, it takes him a whole ten seconds until finally, he places his pen down, in the calmest way possible and folds his hands upon the desk, not meeting my eyes as his closed and a sigh slipped past his lips.

"May I help you, Deidara?"

I sneer angrily at his calm persona despite the obviously very serious situation presented before him. "Yes you can. I want a new partner, NOW!"

Sir Leader cracks open a single eyes at me, the violet orb behind observing me carefully before it closes again. "And tell me, what has Tobi done this time to cause you to once again, barge into my office, unannounced and uninvited, while demanding a new partner?"

"What has he done? WHAT HAS HE DONE? Only what he always does, un! COMPLETELY COMPROMISED OUR MISSION AND NEARLY GOT US BOTH KILLED!" I slam my fists upon his desk, the amount of force behind them enough to make the massive, oak wood desk tremble with the threat of collapsing into pieces. I lean forward, positioning my face mere inches from Sir Leader's, something that does not nudge him the least as his face remains irkingly impassive and his eyes remain close. "I want a new partner…now."

Finally, the fearsome leader's eyelids recoil to reveal his ringed pupils that calmly stared into my own azure orbs, the usual orbs not failing in making an unwanted shiver course down my spine but I refuse to allow the man to immediate me as I glare back, not backing down. After several painfully tense seconds, another sigh escapes him. "Very well."

I sneer angrily at the stubborn man and jerk backwards, poking a provoked finger in his face, too enraged to give a hint of a shit if he decided to break it off. "Fuck you! I refuse to leave here without a…" I pause in the middle of my triad when his words finally progressed through my frenzied brain functions, smothering my rage like ice water on a fire as confusion rose from the ashes like a newborn phoenix. "Wait what, un?"

"I said you could have a new partner." The Akatsuki leader states simply, his tone relaxed and overall cool stature making me unable to doubt however as I suspiciously eye the other male over.

"Just like that, un?"

"Just like that." He confirms.

"Seriously?"

Sir Leader heaves a deep sigh. "Yes, Deidara, I am serious."

I blink at Sir Leader, left utterly confounded and at a complete loss of words. I mean…that was it? I had been bitching to him the minute I was assigned Tobi as my new partner, which was about five months now, and he had been carelessly brushing aside my complaints and suddenly, now he agrees I can dump Tobi and have a new partner? It seemed…suspicious…

"Umm…" I mutter after a few moments of silence, bringing a hand upwards and scratching at the back of my head while glancing awkwardly to the side. "Err…thanks I guess. So who…?"

"From this day forward, you are to be partners with Zetsu." Yep, definitely a set up. Knew it.

"WHAT?" I bellow, but the outburst does little to bother Sir Leader as he casually resumes his paperwork, retrieving his pen and jotting down his signature upon the paper laid out upon his desk.

"You heard me. Now the transfer is immediate so I will prepare a mission for the both of you. Now if you will." He gestures at the broken door but ignore him as I sneer madly at the older man, my anger renewed with a vengeance.

"No! I refuse to be partners with…Zetsu, un!" I exclaim, earning a raise of the eyebrow from the redheaded leader though he does not remove his eyes from the worksheet before him. "I said I wanted a new partner, not one worse than Tobi!"

"Oh? And what is wrong with Zetsu?"

"What's right with her, un?" I counter, my little comment managing to snag back Sir Leader's attention as he again abandons his paperwork in favour of peering at me, his eyes narrowed this time around though, causing a wave of shivers to roll throughout my body as his dojutsu stared at me down.

"What's right with her, is that she is the fact she is the highest superiour in this organization beside myself and you should feel honoured I am allowing you to be working alongside her." Sir Leader opposes, his voice having risen slightly in volume though it was the only sign of his own irritation that he allowed to escape. "You asked for a new partner and I have granted you one. Now, my decision is final and this conversation is over as we have nothing farther to discuss so I request you leave my office at once."

I open my mouth, ready to argue with all I had with the organization leader to deny partnership with both Zetsu and Tobi but I am unable to get a word out when there is a knocking behind me, capturing Sir Leader's attention as he removes it from me and rather focuses it on the person behind me.

"Ahh, Konan." I tear my sight away from Sir Leader behind me to where Konan was standing in the doorway of the office, visibly bewildered as she observed the destroyed door that rested uselessly against the dented, metal file cabinet. "Would you kindly inform Zetsu of her new partnership with Deidara, please?"

The bluenett spares me a puzzled look though says nothing as she merely nods and leaves to fulfill the task before I could object. I glance back at Sir Leader to find he had once more chosen his work over me, and I scowl at him before turning and proceeding to stomp out, realizing I had lost this fight, but am stopped as the man behind me speaks up. "Oh, and Deidara?"

I halt in step, grinding my teeth to prevent myself from snapping at the other and instead just snort loudly in response so he knew he had captured my attention and I didn't have to look at him again.

"After you finish moving into Zetsu's room, I want you both to return here and retrieve the information for your mission. Thank you for your cooperation."

I could literally feel my teeth cracking from the sheer force I was grinding them and it took every ounce of my will to force myself to nod before marching hastily out of the office before the leader was able to pour more bullshit onto me. Just as I left into the hallway toward my room, or former room to be exact now, Konan stepped out of a room father down the hallway, Zetsu's room obviously. Please tell me Zetsu wasn't there and she hadn't told her yet?

Unfortunately, it proved luck was not on my side today as Konan stepped out of the room, Zetsu stepped out right behind her. The two women conversed quietly amongst themselves a few moments before finally taking notice to me as I attempted to tiptoe to my room without their noticing. Konan mumbles something to the cannibal which Zetsu responds to with a nod before the origami wielder walks off back toward her partner's office, giving me an almost sympathetic nod as she passed by me.

"So…if I may," I flinch from the voice and glance away from Konan's retreating back to Zetsu whom was leaning against the doorway to her room, mismatched arms crossed over her chest and the smuggest of smirks pasted upon her unsightly mug. "What the hell did you do to inflict me with the punishment of you being my partner?"

I mimic her stance as I cross my own stitched-together arms and sneer rudely toward the female for her quip. "Punishment to you? I'm the one that is stuck with working with you now, of all people, un!"

Zetsu scoffs. "Oh? You seriously think this is not some sort of punishment to me also? Since I've set foot in this damned organization, I've worked alone so to suddenly be informed I am now partners with the notorious brat of this dump is a fate I consider worse than death. I'm not a damn babysitter. I work alone."

I seethe at the short female and quickly construct a witty comeback to her ignorant crack but before I was able to put my clever thoughts into words, I am suddenly tackled to the ground from behind.

"Deidara-sempai!" Oh fuck me.

Lifting my face from its position of being smothered into the carpet, I spit out a luggie of blood and a small chunk of my tongue after I managed to bite the tip of the muscle off from Tobi attacking me, and snarl at the good boy that was currently on top of me and by the feel of it, nuzzling his obnoxious mask between my shoulder blades and against my beloved locks.

"Oh Deidara-sempai!" The boy wails with a sniffling sound to accustom his sad tone. "Tobi heard Deidara-sempai is leaving Tobi for Zetsu-san! Why is Deidara-sempai leaving Tobi?"

I growl and struggle under the other male but his larger frame and heavier weight proved troublesome to shake off. "How do you know I'm partnering up with Zetsu? Konan just told her, un!" I demand of the raven, bucking my hips against him to knock him off but again, he refuses to budge.

"Well, Tobi was playing with Hidan-kun, and Hidan-kun said he wanted to play hide-and-seek and told Tobi to hide so Tobi hid in the closet and Tobi overheard Konan-chan tell Zetsu-san that Deidara-sempai was her new partner. Oh!" A surprised choke escapes me as my former partner latches his arms around me and suddenly, tugs me upward into an awkward and painful hug, bending my spine backwards and compressing my ribcage with his arms, cutting off my air supply. "Please don't leave Tobi, Deidara-sempai!"

I waste no time to snatch up the opportunity of freedom as I thrust my elbow behind me, meeting my mark as I nail Tobi in the ribs, causing the younger man to squeak in pain and his grip upon me to loosen, allowing me twist in his arms and slam my foot into his stomach, sending him tumbling off me and rolling down the hallway.

"Deidara-sempai!" Tobi whines and poses to pounce at me again, but before I was able to scramble away, a door farther down the hallway creaks open, causing Tobi to pause in mid-assault as he directs his attention towards the sound before releasing a shrill gasp.

"Oh no! Tobi forgot he was playing hide-and-seek with Hidan-kun!" The black-haired boy quickly scampers to his feet, granting me one last look. "Sorry, Deidara-sempai. Tobi has to hide again!" And with that, he bolted for the door to the closet, throwing it open and ducking inside, the door silently clicking close behind him.

I release a fatigued sigh and slowly climb back to my feet, dusting myself free and spitting out more blood upon the floor, the crimson liquid blending with the dark threads on the carpet and disguising the slight mess from the human eye. Glancing over at Zetsu's room, the door was closed and Zetsu gone, having slipped away during my strife with Tobi. I snort. Good riddance. Unfortunately though, it wouldn't be the last time I saw her and now would have to wake up each and every morning now with the knowledge I was partners with her …Damn it all. Hopefully, Sir Leader would realize how large of a mistake this was and take it back, and even maybe get me an actual new partner. If I was lucky, that would be soon also. The battle might be over but fuck me if the war was also.

I sigh again with a more dramatic edge to it this time and despite my better judgment, I toss open the door to my old room and stomp inside to retrieve my belongings.

"Let me in! Zetsu! LET ME IN!" I yell at I kick the thick metal door to the schizoid's room, regretting the decision however as my foot vibrates with pain from the relenting door that refused to open. Well this was turning out well, five minutes of being partners with her and she was already pulling a 'Sasori-Danna' and locked me out!

I juggle the hefty chest that contained my clay supply in my arms and the equally heavy and large cardboards balanced upon it that were stuffed with my entire wardrobe, which could probably cloth an entire village, and other miscellaneous objects obtained from my room I saw necessary or just didn't want Tobi to get his hands on. I kick the door again despite past experience with doing such a mistake before and repeatedly slam my foot into the thick barrier, biting back the pain associated with the action.

Finally, after at least a minute of my fruitless attempts, the door groans and the hinges shriek as the thick door is heaved open and Zetsu pokes her out, looking irritated as though I had interrupted something important but I could give two shits less.

"About damn time, un!" I snap as I roughly shoulder my way past her as I storm into the room before she could lock me out again and dump the boxes to the floor, sighing in relief for my poor, strained arms as I gingerly massage the areas around the thick stitching.

Zetsu snorts loudly behind me. "Well pardon me for wanting some privacy in my room." She states and a snort at her remark.

"My room too now, un…" I mutter under my breath, sparing the woman a glare at the back of her emerald-locked head as she moved toward a massive, timber desk positioned in the back corner of the room, before prying my eyes away and observing my new room.

The first thing I noticed was it was small. Like, absolutely small, and I felt as though I wasn't standing in a room but rather a jail cell or closet that had been converted into a room, feeling incredibly cramped with the few pieces of furniture set up within which only included a bed, desk and wardrobe from what I saw. The next was that it was dark. Not like dark as in dimly lit, which it was, but I meant dark as in everything in the fucking room was dark. The walls were painted black, pitch black, giving the room an eerie and depressing feel, being bare of any pictures or other smudges of lighter colours. The blankets upon the bed were a deep red, the shade mimicking blood and I briefly wondered if that were their natural colours of if Zetsu had just dyed them with the blood of her past 'meals'. And the bed itself…

"Oh, fuck me, un." I seethe out when realizing a subtle fact I had glanced over before and I could hear the creaking of the wooden dinner chair Zetsu was sitting in currently.

"What is it?"

I cast my attention towards her, giving her a flat look as I struggled with my own conscious not to start screaming and storm back into Sir Leader's office to attempt again to demand a new partner that wasn't Zetsu, or Tobi.

I inhale deeply, smothering my fastly building anger. "There's…only…one…bed…" I hiss out and point accusingly at the single, queen-sized bed set up in the middle of the room. Single…meaning one. One! ONE!

Zetsu raises an inquisitive eyebrow and stares at the damned object for a moment before throwing her shoulders up in an uncaring shrug. "So?"

I gape at her. "So? SO? THERE'S ONLY ONE BED!"

Zetsu gives a short nod. "Yes there is." She replies simply and turns back around in her chair, resuming whatever she had been previously working on. My hanging jaw snaps close and I snarl viciously.

"I refuse to share a bed with you, un!" I exclaim firmly but it does little to stir the green-haired female as she continues to work, merely sparing me another shrug.

"Then don't. Sleep on the floor for all I care."

I snarl louder, now pointing my finger at her turned back. "Fuck you! I am not sleeping on the fucking floor, un! You sleep on the fucking floor!"

The comment is enough to win back her attention as she shifts back around in her chair, squinting her eyes into a glare, or at least her human eye did making me briefly consider her glare more intimidating over that of Sir Leader's as her other eye remained open in an unblinking and creepy gaze.

"Excuse me?" She snarls out, her thin lips curling back to reveal her petite, yet lethal fangs that lined her gums. "The last time I checked, this was my room and my bed and they've been mine before you were even born." She stands from her chair and gives a threatening step toward me, something I unconsciously respond to by stepping backwards away from her as she advanced on me. Although I hated to admit it, Zetsu was easily one of the more intimidating members of the Akatsuki without even having to try most times. I suppose a cannibalistic schizoid just had that effect.

She continues to proceed toward me at a lazy pace as I back away until finally managing to back myself against the iron door leading out to the hallway. Though Zetsu does not halt and I swallow thickly as she does not pause until directly in front of me, placing her hands beside either side of my arms and leaning her face toward mine own with only a few centimeters to divide us, the noticeable height difference between us seemingly nonexistent.

She positions her mouth directly over my ear and I shutter involuntarily as her sickly warm breath brushes against the shell of it. "If you have such a problem with this then I suggest you suck it up and deal with it because you're my partner now and I am your senior meaning you did not command me, I command you, understand?" I swallow again, my throat clicking loudly in the awkward silence and I open my mouth to respond but she interrupts me as she continues. "I'm not you beloved Danna and I'm not Tobi, I will not tolerate your bitching or allow you to walk over me. Deal with it." Again, I attempt to speak but am cut off again, this time by the shrill sound of the door opening as I suddenly shoved backwards into the hallway, landing hard onto my back and knocking the air from my lungs, stunning me for a moment.

"Oh, and regarding the 'fuck you' comment," Zetsu states and I blink a few times up at her as I regained my senses, noticing her standing in the doorway with her hand posed on the knob and staring down at me, her face having hardened back into it's trademark, detached appearance. "I would never stoop so low." And with that, she delivers a harsh kick to my legs, efficiently knocking them out of the pathway of the door before she slams it close, the force behind it causing the wall around it to quiver and dust to fall from the ceiling.

I snort at the now closed door to the woman behind it and get to my feet, brushing myself clean of the dust that had cascaded from the ceiling above and fixing my hair which had become messed from the fall. What a fucking bitch! I just get stuck with her and already she was treating me like shit. Lower than shit even! I release an excessive sigh and charge away from the room towards the kitchen. I needed a drink.

"Our targets are Norio Tanaka and Ichirou Sato," Was the first thing I heard as I managed to sneak my way back into my new bedroom later that night after Tobi blurted out the fact the door required a code to open to me then freely gave me said code before running off to continue hiding despite the obvious fact Hidan had just conceived the game up to rid Tobi from his hair. I raise a blonde eyebrow towards Zetsu, whom was seated at her desk again with the mission scroll spread out in front of her as she read aloud the details from it. "Tanaka is a drug lord functioning in the the Land of Grass region and Sato is a Takigakure ANBU captain that has been suspected of buying illegal Soldier Pills off Sato that are made with the appearance of normal Military Ration Pills though instead, they are created with a concentrated amount of steroids, prolonging and multiplying the effects of them to create, in simple terms, 'Super Soldiers'."

She finishes reading and removes her black-rimmed reading glasses, setting them aside as she finally shifts around in her chair to acknowledge me. "Basically, our mission is to travel to the Land of Grass and observe Tanaka and confirm if he is affiliated with Sato whom has been reported to be sighted in the Land of Grass numerous times, specifically at the first week of each month. If these two are in business with the other, it can prove to be troublesome for the Akatsuki to function in the Takigakure region with these 'Super Soldiers' roaming about. After we confirm or disprove their relationship, we are to report back. It should take no more than three days, two if the reports are right and Sato has been primarily seen in the Land of Grass between the days of Tuesday and Thursday."

She nudges forward two pictures of our targets and I cautiously approach the desk, unsure if she were still irked about before, and retrieve the two photographs, one being a mug shot of Tanaka, a sleazy appearing man with messy black hair and greasy skin that was complimented by his sunken in, brown eyes and yellowed teeth as he grinned smugly at the camera, definitely a druggie. The other was of Sato, which was a poorly cut from an obviously larger picture, possibly of him and his squad with his face just zoomed in on, showing how much more clean he was than Tanaka but definitely nastier looking as his green orbs glared at the camera, his neon red hair slicked back into a ponytail with a matching mustache that was so bushy it concealed his lips.

"So what, that's it, un? We just go in, see if these bastards know each other and leave?" I question as I place the pictures back on the scroll Zetsu had set aside as she worked on a random worksheet. "Seems stupid. I mean if the two of them are together and doing business, why not just take them out then and there?"

"Because it's not our job." Zetsu explains, adjusting her glasses upon the tip of her nose. "We're only to obtain information about them then report back so one of the other teams can go in and exterminate them."

"And why is it not out job, un? I mean, we're the ones Sir Leader is sending afterall." I press on, earning a voluminous sigh from Zetsu as she removes her glasses and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Because it's not our job!" She barks, her short fuse already lit as she slammed her free fist down onto the obese desk with enough force that is groans loudly under her impressive strength. "We're spies, we spy. We're not authorized to do otherwise without granted condonance from Sir Leader. Now if you will, please cease with your ridiculous questions so I can work!"

I snort at her small temper tantrum and cross my arms. "Spies? The last time I checked I wasn't a 'spy', un. I was an artist, and still was."

"Well you became a spy the moment you became my partner." Zetsu comments, having come down from her bitchy high and had returned to her work as she wrote down unknown contents on a paper, her cursive too elaborate that it was impossible for me to read.

"For the record," I mutter, turning away and heading towards the door beside the woman's desk which I assumed was the bathroom so to wash. "I never wanted to be your partner, un."

"Oh really?" I pause outside the door with my hand resting upon the brass knob and gaze over my shoulder to see Zetsu had ceased her work once more and was turned around in her chair so she was facing me, a smirk pasted upon her bicoloured lips. "If you truly hated being my partner, then you would have fought Sir Leader tooth-and-nail instead of allowing him to stick you with me then left like some mutt with your tail between your legs." The snobbish expression only expands as it swells into a full blown grin, her pointed teeth peeking out from behind her lips in a creepy fashion. "Admit it; you're thrilled to be working with the only other woman in this organization in hopes of pleasuring those teenager hormones of yours without having a wooden dick shoved up your ass."

The insolent remark was enough to startle me to my core as I gawked at the crude woman in absolute revulsion from such a horrendous assumption. I open my mouth, intent of giving her the tongue lashing of her life but due to my mind since recuperating from the sheer shock of her comment, I was left at a loss of words as I simply stood there, looking as foolish as Zetsu had portrayed me as I hassled to conceive a savvy retort to her insulting words.

"I…" I utter out after several numbing seconds. "I'm not…that's not…" But still nothing replicating sense escaped past my lips only causing the grin on Zetsu's loathsome face to broaden as flames of amusement visibly danced within her honey-coloured orbs as they peered at me. After another moment more, I sneer at the female and turn away, snarling out, "I'm taking a shower, un." Before throwing open the door and stomping inside, slamming the door behind me, only to throw it back open and storm out to the other door, ducking inside before Zetsu was able to make the evident comment about me mistaking the closet for the bathroom.

"About time you got out, spending it all in a feeble attempt to make yourself beautiful I see?" Zetsu noted as I stepped out of the shower an estimated half-an-hour later. I huff crossly at her as I wring my hair dry with a grey towel (this one obviously being hers as the other had been a bright orange) then toss it carelessly back in the bathroom upon the floor for her to pick up later since I certainly wasn't. She replies to my grunt with one of her own as she snorts crassly in my direction before burying her face back in the novel she currently had open in front of her as she laid stretched out upon the middle of the wide bed. "While you were washing, I took the liberty of setting up the floor for you seeing as you bluntly refuse to share a bed with me."

I raise an eyebrow in curiosity at her sudden benevolence and observe the floor, my forehead creasing in confusion as a frown tugged at my lips. "There's nothing on the floor, un." I say while inspecting the floor finding it bare of any sort of comfort that could make it considered rest worthy.

"Exactly." I glance up and glowered fiercely at the smirking woman as she sets aside her book and leans over to the cabinet set up beside the bed, bracing a hand upon the lamp that sat upon before regarding me with that conceited smirk of hers. "We leave on our mission tomorrow. Sleep well, Deidara." With that said, she switches off the light, drowning the room in pitch blackness.

"Bitch." I mutter under my breath, low enough she was unable to hear the insult, hopefully. Seeing as I had no choice, rather choosing death than indeed sharing a bed with her, I slowly crouch to the ground, feeling around on the carpet to ensure if was cleared of anything before lowering myself onto the uncomfortable floor. I heave a deep sigh as I adjust myself onto my back then side and over again in a feeble attempt to find a suitable position to sleep in though the floor proved relentless.

This would be a long night…

AN: I… -gets pelted with rocks- No please! I can explain –hit with bucket- I just wanted to write a Dei/Fem!Zet fic! –flees from more hatred- I don't care. I'mma post this story and you are going to like it! …please?

Anyway, all joking aside. I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF A BETA! SERIOUSLY! I NEED ONE! Did you not read this? Probably not, but it's pretty freaky shotty at best without someone to double check it so I ask for assistance!