Born that way

~Noy Telinú~

Warning: petty revenge is a vicious cycle of stupidity that kills everyone and makes readers cry. But that's more due to the fact that there was no yuri…

Caution: cute things are cute. People die when they are killed. The Pope is catholic. And you don't know the power of the darkside. Seriously. You don't. I know, cuz Imma Text. Thus I'm in the darkside constantly. Especially when you press the flip to dark button.

Reviews: are most welcome. Not more welcome, but most. Dumbledork, the whole fic is random crazy stuff. Wrin, and YOU'RE on fukufics! :O majishan, I love the statue too… it would go great in my garden. Raynze76, yep. It's a running gag, really. According to Black Dragon6, witches need just a magic item and control some magic. So Mousse is a witch! O_O That could only mean one thing… Mousse… is really… a GIRL! It's the only explanation! hero in a cup, if only it was for $19.95… Cuz that would be awesome… Partsu, innovator Noy! SignDowny, I'll keep pushing them. OddWallow, OVER slappsticky!? That's UNpossible! He's not trying to kill Ranma. He's trying to make Ranma super awesome. And yeah, Ranma being both is refreshing. I have no idea with any pairings, honestly. No Ranma/guy though… that's all I know. And Nodoka wants Kodachi because… Kodachi has no problem with the curse (from Nodoka's pov.) Kodachi was nice to Nodoka, not to mention keeping her company and… Kodachi's rich… ^_^' yeah… dunno about reaction, Imma Text, not writer. shugokage, YAY! The destroyer of fate, I like them too. :D

You have been warned….

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Year 16 IX GASP

Ranma walked the streets at night while male. It was mostly to enjoy being a guy, really. He didn't get to do that often. In fact, he had to ditch Shampoo in order to do so when the two were on their way home after leaving Kodachi with the bill.

'Nice, cool, fresh breeze…' Ranma smiled. 'I should be getting back though. It's getting late.'

With that, Ranma jumped onto a wall to take a shortcut home.


Ranma blinked in surprise as a small explosion poofed near the horizon.

'Mmm… What the heck?' Ranma shrugged and hopped over to the site, roofjumping on the way.

He got there in no time.

"What the heck happened here?" Ranma muttered to himself.

There was an empty lot in front of him. Well, mostly empty… There was some junk scattered everywhere as well as the remains of a tree.

"Still can't find- … RANMA!" a voice yelled from behind the pigtailed boy.

Ranma turned around and found someone standing there… menacingly!

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Nabiki Tendo awoke to a bunch of flowers surrounding her.

"What the?" Nabiki shivered as the wind hit her. "Roses… roses EVERYWHERE! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?"

Soun stuck his head out of the house, eyes weary. "Nabiki… *yawn* please keep it down…"

With that, he closed the door and went back to sleep.

Nabiki growled, her eye twitching. "DAMN IT!"

The middlest Tendo took big breaths to try and keep her cool.

"Okay… alright… think… How do I get out of this…?" Nabiki looked around to try and find an opening, but there was none.

Kasumi designed the garden to be overly elaborate, and that included being impossible to walk through without getting pricked with thorns.

"I really wish I cold jump high right now..." Nabiki muttered, her breath visible in the chilly air.

She walked along the edge of the clear area in a circle, desperately looking for something that wasn't there.

"AKANE!" Nabiki screamed. "GET ME OUT OF THIS NOW!"

The seventeen-year-old girl could be forgiven to forget that her sister was a heavy sleeper. It was a cold night, the ground was wet from Kasumi's watering, and Nabiki was in short shorts and a shirt.

Silence greeted Nabiki's ears.

"Dammit…" Nabiki shivered. "KASUMI!"

Crickets started chirping, but that was it.

Nabiki forgot that Kasumi was ALSO a heavy sleeper, due to working hard during the day. The good news was that she gets up early.

But that was hours away.

"Crap," Nabiki nearly sobbed. Nearly.

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Ranma faced the person who showed up and stared. "Um…"

The figure wore a poncho-like cloth, desert clothes, gloves and goggles.

"I have found you and now, I will have my REVENGE!" the figure roared.

Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh, for what?"

The figure growled. "YOU DON'T KNOW!?"

Ranma shook his head. "Kinda hard to recognize you… with the… well, everything…"

"Oh, right… sorry…" The figure pulled off the goggles and poncho thing.

Ranma gasped.

"WHAT?!" The figure's eye twitched.

"I dunno." Ranma shrugged. "Felt appropriate."

The figure took a deep breath. "You DO know who I am… right?"

Ranma rubbed his chin and squinted. "Maybe… You're just so… dirty… um… uh…"

The figure cleaned up a bit. "Now?"

Ranma stared and stared until his eyes were sore. "I'm going to go with… Ryoga Hibiki… Final answer."

"YES! I'M Ryoga Hibiki! What's with the final answer!?" Ryoga screamed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa… chill…" Ranma waved his arms in a calming matter. "How've you been, buddy?"

Ryoga's body quivered with rage. "HOW'VE I BEEN?! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Stop being a drama king…"

"I'M NOT!" Ryoga yelled. "Because of YOU, I've seen HELL!"

Ranma facepalmed. "You saw hell?"

"YES!" Ryoga balled his fists. "It was hot, and boring, and hot, and so much FIRE!"

Ranma blinked. "You went to Hell? How is that even possible!?"

"I don't know!" Ryoga gripped his head. "Getting OUT was a big problem that… No… no, my REVENGE! Imma get my revenge!"

"Look, Ryoga, it's not my fault you somehow wandered into Hell-" Ranma was cut off.

"Yes it is!" Ryoga insisted. "First, you stole my bread…"

"I told you before-" Ranma was cut off again.

"Then, you left the area, forcing me to find my own way to school…" Ryoga continued.

Ranma sighed. "Ryoga…"

"All I wanted was my dad to love me-e-e-e-eee…" Ryoga whined.

"Huh?" Ranma scratched his head. "You have a dad?"

Ryoga stomped angrily. "And THEN! AND THEN! You… you… you ruined my chance at lifelong happiness!"

Ranma looked at Ryoga oddly. "Huh?"

"You are a… a…" Ryoga hit his head trying to get the word right. "A… a thing… magic… what's a male version of a witch?"

Ranma rubbed his temples in annoyance. "Sorcerer? Wizard?"

"Nah, not a sorcerer… unless you have a hat hidden somewhere…" Ryoga mused. "Do wizards need hats? I'm confused on that one…"

"Who the hell cares?" Ranma groaned.

"ME!" Ryoga fumed.

Ranma raised an eyebrow as Ryoga pulled out a red bamboo umbrella that was strapped to his back.

"Ranma Saotome, prepare to die," Ryoga stated, leveling his umbrella at Ranma.

The pigtailed lad shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Lightning flashed across the sky as they charged at each other.

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"Red, why ditch Shampoo?!" Shampoo grunted in frustration. ^I would have shown you a real good reason to be male…^

Shampoo licked her lips, thinking of her intentions as she continued to look for Ranma.

The purple-haired girl got to the highest point in the area and kept her eyes peeled for Ranma.

'Too bad I haven't seen you as male as much as female though…' Shampoo thought, shaking her head. 'It would make finding you much, much easier…'

It only took a while before she saw two figures fighting each other off in the distance.

'That must be him…' Shampoo smiled.

The Amazon leapt off the building and ran towards the fight.

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Ranma ducked under a swing from Ryoga's umbrella.

"Damn, man, you're really sloppy," Ranma commented as he dodged again. "You're letting your anger get the better of you, you know…"

"SHUT UP!" Ryoga shouted, swinging wildly.

Ranma rolled his eyes.

Ryoga missed again, hitting a wall.


Ranma raised an eyebrow at that. "Jeez, Ryoga, what did the wall do to you?"

"HOLD STILL, DAMMIT!" Ryoga screamed, jumping into the air and pointing his umbrella down.

Ranma backflipped away from where Ryoga was going to land.


Ranma's eyes widened and he continued to backflip as the crater grew and grew in size, chasing him.

The ground shook, car alarms went off, and windows shattered.

Ranma finally skidded to a halt as he saw the crater stop growing. "Oh, WOW…"

The crater nearly ate up the whole lot, looking like a meteor hit it.

Peeking into the crater, Ranma saw Ryoga kneeling in the center, umbrella still planted in the ground.

Ryoga stood up and glanced around. "Hmm… Must have vaporized…"

"Um, up here…" Ranma slid down the edge of the crater. "Look, I'm impressed, honestly, but I still don't get why you want to kill me."

Ryoga gripped his umbrella tighter. "Do I have to spell it out for YOU!? IDIOT!"

"That would help…" Ranma answered. "Although being called an idiot really makes me not care..."

"FIRST, you ran away from my challenge!" Ryoga gave Ranma the pointy finger.

Ranma facepalmed. "I was there for three days, right outside your house…"

"Oh, but you can't wait for a fourth day, HUH!?" Ryoga growled. "Why draw the line at three days? Why not two or four?"

"I left you a note!" Ranma yelled.

"…" Ryoga blinked. "No, you didn't…"

"YES, I DID!" Ranma yelled. "It was right there next to your phone!"

Ryoga's eye twitched. "Why leave it THERE?! I haven't been home yet! You JERK!"

"It's not MY fault!" Ranma gripped his head. "Besides, why is THAT something to KILL ME FOR!?"

"Because shut up…" Ryoga put away his umbrella. "Let's settle this like men…"

Ranma sighed. 'Freaking bipolar…'


Both boys looked up to the top of the crater to see Shampoo eating popcorn.

Shampoo frowned. "Why stop!? Shampoo want see fight!"

Ranma sweatdropped.

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"What's this?" Kaori asked Kodachi as the restaurant owner held up a gold necklace.

Kodachi flipped her head back. "This is obviously a gold necklace. Of course, with your social standing, it is obvious that you never held gold in your hand before, or even know what it looks like."

Karori growled. "I KNOW what it is!"

"Hmm?" Kodachi tilted her head. "Then why ask what it is? Unless, of course, you are thanking me for explaining this to you, which is much more likely…"

"Look, I know what it is. WHY are you giving me it?!" Kaori fumed.

"The Black Rose is amazed you have stayed open this long," Kodachi commented. "This is payment for the meal we have eaten. Surely, for the Cute Witch to have eaten as much as she did it must have been quite expensive…"

Kaori took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "Alright… I get it… However, WHAT USE IS THIS TO A SMALL BUSINESS OWNER!?"

Kodachi blinked. "Gold is not useful to the commoners? This information is most useful. I shall easily liberate the gold from the ignorant masses if they see gold as a useless yellow rock. Thank you for this information. You have made the House of Kuno even richer than even thought possible."

"I NEED CASH NOW!" Kaori screamed, inwardly berating herself for losing her temper.

"Call JG Wentworth," Kodachi informed. "That fool helps thousands, he'll help you too. If you don't want the necklace, give it back."

Kaori took deep breaths. "Do you have any yen on you? Or any form of currency, for that matter?"

"What a ridiculous question!" Kodachi scoffed. "Of course NOT! Do I look like I have a containment device with me?"

Kaori gritted her teeth. "Then where did you carry the gold necklace?!"

"Around the Black Rose's neck?" Kodachi shook her head. "Farwell…"

Kodachi turned and left dramatically.

Kaori glanced at the necklace and sighed. 'I wonder if there's a pawn shop nearby….'

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Ryoga blushed as he looked up at Shampoo.

Being Shampoo, she didn't wear much, and the way she was sitting…. Well…


The striped-bandanna boy that was Ryoga fell backwards, blood squirting out of his nose.

Ranma couldn't help but laugh. "Oh man! Ryoga… Still having problems looking at girls?"

"Shut up!" Ryoga yelled as he got back to his feet.

"OOOH… Fight? Yes?" Shampoo smiled.

Ryoga turned away from Shampoo. "Who are you and why are you interfering with our man-to-man fight!?"

"Shampoo no interfere!" Shampoo denied. "Shampoo want see too, too sexy fight!"

Ranma sat down, covering his mouth to suppress his laughter.

"What?" Ryoga sweatdropped.

Shampoo got in front of Ryoga. "Too, too sexy… Like see, yes?"

Ryoga trembled as Shampoo pushed herself up against him, eyes wandering, face reddening.

"Strong man very… very… sexy…" Shampoo licked her lips.


Ryoga fainted, blood gushing out like a geyser.

The pigtailed lad couldn't hold back anymore and laughed, falling to the ground.

Shampoo giggled as well. ^Red, who is this man anyway?^

Ranma pulled himself together. "He's a… friend… from middle school. Kinda… He wants to kill me. But… you know…"

Shampoo nodded in understanding. ^So you know him long? From being… middle?^

"Nah, only since last year." Ranma shook his head. "Now… what do I do with him?"

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Nodoka Saotome blew on her tea, causing the steam to dissipate into the air. After a couple of seconds of waiting, she sipped the tea, looking dignified and ladylike.

The house was quiet, peaceful, and relaxingly calm. It was the typical soothing Japanese home with a typical regal Japanese wife kneeling at a short table, drinking tea.

It was absolutely, positively… boring.

"Ranma should be home by now…" Nodoka thought aloud, a microscopic bit of worry seeping in.

But the house stayed quiet and intact.

Nodoka repressed a sigh and sipped her tea again, mind wandering and dreaming about the future of her child.

A big bubble appeared over her head, images starting to form inside it.

"Kodachi is like a daughter to me, and has been keeping me company while Ranma was away…" Nodoka mused, hand to her mouth.

The image settled to show Kodachi in a wedding dress next to a male Ranma.

Nodoka frowned. "Oh… wait… She sees Ranma as a witch…"

Ranma suddenly had a witch hat on.

"Mmm… No, that just looks silly on him…" Nodoka mumbled.

Ranma changed into a girl, in a suit, wearing a witch hat.

Nodoka shook her head. "I would really like my daughter to be more… feminine on her wedding day…"

The image shifted again to show Ranma in a wedding dress… and a witch hat.

"EEEE!" Nodoka couldn't help herself and her eyes turned into greater-than and less-than signs. "SO CUTE!"

A moment later, Nodoka collected herself. "That was… improper…"

Nodoka blushed momentarily, glad that no one saw her.

"Wait… it is illegal to have a lesbian marriage here…" Nodoka crossed her arms. "Bothersome. Perhaps if Kodachi were a he?"

Kodachi grew a mustache, and nothing else changed.

Nodoka closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "For having a child who is both male and female, I have difficulty imagining anyone else as the opposite sex."

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Shampoo drummed her fingers on her arm. ^Well? It's been two minutes, so what is your plan?^

Ranma shrugged. "I honestly have no idea what to do with him."

The two friends glanced down at Ryoga, still unconscious.

^Perhaps leave him at where I work with the doctor?^ Shampoo suggested.

"Better than anything I thought up," Ranma muttered. "It's open right now, right?"

Shampoo was about to reply with a quick, automatic yes, but had second thoughts as she noticed the time. "Um… Shampoo no know…"

Ranma sighed. "Oh well. We'll find out when we get there."


The pigtailed lad rolled his eyes as Shampoo smothered him, rubbing her body against his. "Shampoo… Let go, I have to carry Ryoga."

Shampoo did so and stood back, a smirk on her face. ^Sure…^

Ranma raised an eyebrow as Shampoo licked her lips when he lifted Ryoga up onto his shoulders. "Could you get his stuff, Shampoo?"

Shampoo nodded and winked at Ranma.

'Weird…' Ranma shook his head and started walking off towards Dr. Tofu's clinic, Shampoo following behind with a smile on her face.

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Nodoka tapped her fingers on her lips. "Is Kodachi the right choice?"

The image above her had Kodachi look confused.

"While she has been great for me…" Nodoka sighed. "I've seen that she sometimes acts… less ladylike with other girls…"

The image of Kodachi smirked evilly and started laughing.

Nodoka tilted her head. "Then again… she IS rich…"

Money started raining over Kodachi.

"SoOo rich…" Nodoka nearly whined. "But… is she really the right choice? She DOES have that whole… witch fixation…"

Kodachi glomped a witch-hatted Ranko, who looked annoyed.

"But… Shampoo…" Nodoka bit her lip. "Would give me many… MANY grandchildren…"

Shampoo shoved Kodachi out of the way and Ranko turned into Ranma.

"But… Kodachi is rich…" Nodoka mused. "Shampoo doesn't have much…"

Kodachi rode a wave of money into the scene, washing over everyone.

Nodoka sighed blissfully. "So much money… However… Shampoo has the most… talent…"

Shampoo smothered Ranma with her breasts.

"What am I going to do…?" Nodoka sighed. "Would Shampoo be willing to do… THAT to my daughter?"

Shampoo pulled out a mustache and put it on, moving her eyebrows up and down suggestively.

Nodoka buried her face in her hands. "What is WITH my imagination?"

Shampoo dragged Ranma away, turning him into Ranko. Kodachi grabbed onto Ranko and was dragged along. Shampoo shrugged and smirked.

"Oh my…" Nodoka blushed.

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"Aaaand it's locked," Ranma sighed as they got to Dr. Tofu's clinic. "Now what?"

"Smash." Shampoo smiled.

Ranma facepalmed. "Breaking down the door will just cause more problems. You WORK here, Shampoo!"

"…" Shampoo tilted her head. ^And?^

Ranma sweatdropped. 'Why do I even bother?'

That is when Ryoga stirred. "Oooh… What happened?"

"Buddy, you just saw a pretty girl in a revealing outfit." Ranma shrugged. "Not the first time that's happened…"

Ryoga growled from atop Ranma's shoulder. "HEY!"

Shampoo put down Ryoga's bag and pulled out her popcorn, sneaking into the shadows.

"It's true," Ranma pointed out.

Ryoga, still on Ranma's shoulder, kneed the pigtailed lad.

*CRASH* The two fell to the ground, Ryoga on top of Ranma.

"WHAT THE HELL, MAN!?" Ranma screamed as he pulled his head up.

Ryoga responded by shoving Ranma's head down, destroying the concrete sidewalk.

"HELL!?" Ryoga seethed. "I'LL SHOW YOU HELL!"

Ryoga punched Ranma in the back, repeatedly.

"Oof, OOf, OOF!" Ranma gritted his teeth as he was pummeled into the ground.


Ryoga's punches kept pushing Ranma into the ground, creating another crater.

The lost boy panted, stopping as tears came down his face.

With the attacks stopping, Ranma pushed up, launching the boys into the air. "WHAT!? I DIDN'T KILL YOU!"

"You might as well have!" Ryoga wiped his face. "I've seen hell because of you!"

"Just because you keep saying that doesn't make it true!" Ranma complained as they landed apart. "And if you died, how are you even here!?"

"I got better…" Ryoga mumbled.

Ranma sighed. "Fine, fine. If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get."

Ryoga snorted. "As if I believe you, coward."

Ranma narrowed his eyes, the rest of his face becoming neutral. "I'll go first then."

"Huh?" Ryoga blinked.


Ryoga bent over as Ranma rushed in seemingly out of nowhere and punched him in the gut.

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"On the other hand… Kodachi is from a very influential Japanese family," Nodoka thought aloud. "While Shampoo… isn't."

The image of Kodachi put on a bad orange wig and a suit, pulling a giant sign out of nowhere with the words [Where's your birth certificate?] written on it. Shampoo and Ranma sweatdropped.

Nodoka took a deep breath. "Wonder where that came from… Perhaps a third option? But who- No…"

A smiling Akane walked into the image bubble and waved.

"Wouldn't she still be mad? All the lies!" Nodoka fretted. "She doesn't know!"

Image-Akane's scowling head grew extremely large as everything else in the bubble was burning. Ranko was running around, hair literally on fire.

"I've made a terrible mistake…" Nodoka sniffled.

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"Oh, that hurt," Ryoga moaned as he fell to the ground, clenching his stomach.

Ranma just glared at him.

"But… this will HURT MORE!" Ryoga shouted as he grabbed his umbrella from his backpack and swung it at Ranma.

The pigtailed lad dodged it, backflipping away.

"Stop moving, dammit!" Ryoga seethed.

Ranma responded by charging Ryoga again, uppercutting him.

The eternally lost boy grabbed Ranma's arm.


"What the?" Ranma looked down to discover his left wrist handcuffed to Ryoga's. "Oh, COME ON!"

Ryoga smirked, blood trickling out of his mouth. "Now I got you-OOF!"

Ranma sucker punched his opponent while he was bragging. "I am not lefthanded… idiot."

"Shut up!" Ryoga spewed as he brought down his umbrella.


Ranma's eye twitched as his shirt was ripped almost entirely down the middle. "You… JERK! I LIKE this shirt!"

"Stop whining like a girl and fight!" Ryoga scolded, swinging his umbrella again.

Ranma growled and kicked the weapon, knocking it out of Ryoga's hand.


Shampoo blinked and looked down at the umbrella that stuck top first into the ground. 'Maybe…'

The Amazon plucked it out of the ground and opened it.

'Does this make me look more exotic?' Shampoo thought to herself as she twirled it on her shoulder. 'Maybe if I show more leg… No, watch the fight! It's the boys' turn to look sexy!'

Ranma ran as fast as he could towards the outskirts.

Ryoga was dragged along, body tearing up the streets and clothes staying mostly intact.

'Come on, where is it?' Ranma wondered as he searched his bag for something to pick the lock. 'What are these handcuffs made of!?'

Shampoo followed along, roofhopping and using the umbrella like a parasol. ^Wheee…^

"Enough!" Ryoga shouted and dug his feet into the street, causing Ranma to fall over. "Let's see you run when you are cut TO PIECES!"

Ryoga took off six bandannas and flung them through the air.

"Whoa!" Ranma was caught off guard to say the least.

The first one Ranna dodged and it flew off into the distance. The second one cut his side, tearing his shirt more. The third deflected off the handcuffs and hit a tree. The fourth hit the same cut again on Ranma. The fifth cut the handcuffs. And the sixth was dodged completely.

"SSSS…" Ranma seethed as blood dripped on the ground. "You are REALLY getting a pounding now!"

Ryoga snarled and undid his end of the handcuff. "SHUT UP!"

Ranma narrowed his eyes and blurred.

The lost boy didn't know what hit him. Most of his clothes flew off as he went sailing through the air, bouncing on the street.

Shampoo whistled at that.

Ranma heard the whistle and looked up to where Shampoo was. "Enjoying yourself- Shampoo, look out!"

The Amazon tilted her head when she head it. Buzzing through the wind was a bandanna and it was headed right for her.

Ranma's face showed his panic as he tried to move, but his injuries were starting to catch up to him due to his adrenaline running down.

Shampoo saw the bandanna…


Ranma looked away… for a bit. He couldn't help but glance back at Shampoo.

Only to see that she had caught it in her hand.

"Red scared, neeee!" Shampoo taunted. ^What? You thought it would ruin my good looks? Heehee…^

Ranma sighed in relief.

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Ryoga bounced and tumbled uncontrollably, mostly naked.

The streets were being wrecked and car alarms were going off.

'Oh, shoot! A house! A house!' Ryoga panicked.


Ryoga made a hole in the wall, skidding to a stop soon after.

"Oh, dear… Are you alright, young man?" a female voice asked, worried.

Ryoga glanced up to see a woman kneeling over him… and three girls in an image spot above HER, fading fast. "Redhead girl…"

Nodoka fretted as the nearly nude boy fell unconscious.

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Nabiki shivered as she paced her small area. "Damn, it seems like there's a fight somewhere over there too. Probably a certain redhead… This is not fair!"

Suddenly, a bandanna zoomed by and hit the house, barely missing Nabiki by millimeters.

Nabiki's eye twitched. "… AHHHH!"

The bandanna fell down, right on top of the rose bushes.

'A bandana? Well... it'll provide more warmth.' Nabiki hoped as she stretched to reach it.

The middlest Tendo grabbed it between two fingers and smirked when suddenly a sonic boom shook the area. Nabiki promptly fell into the rose bushes.


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Author's notes: yep, Ryoga is here! Did he really go to hell? Who will get it on with Ranma? Will Akane be able to forgive the lies? And will Nabiki survive? Tune in next time for the next installment of Born that way! Imma Text.

Authour's notes: Hi there! Look, I'm glad that MY idea finally hit 150 favorites and you've been a great reading... people... BUT, this fic is still not on the fanfic wiki! D: FIX IT FIX IT! FIX IT! Pleeeeeaaassse! I'll get Noy to update stuff a Telinú out!