Sin

Back when I was little I just did things naturally, without wondering if they were right or not. No one ever told me that behind my innocent childish love there was something bad, forbidden. Now that I'm older I understand that deep inside my heart there's a feeling I must hide. Something inside me is crooked, dysfunctional and divergent. And it won't go away, it can't be straightened. All I can do is pretend I'm normal. Hide behind an ever-growing wall of lies.

The wall has become so big, that my real self is drowning in its shadow. Day after day I feel this anguish, this agony. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. In my eyes I can see the dirtiness of my soul. I can't help but be scared that people will look into my eyes and just know that I'm lying to them, to the world. I wish I could just disappear, but a part of me is still too attached to this world, to him. I should know better, since he's the cause of the excruciating ache that lingers in my wretched heart.

But I can't give him up, not Suguru. I have to restrain myself when I'm with him, and it's so difficult. I fear that there might be a time when I won't be able to lie, and he'll know and hate me forever. I'm very aware of his presence when he's standing next to me, or when he is sleeping there in the couch and if I'd just reach out I'd be able to touch his hair; or to kiss his closed eyelids and soft lips. I wish that after I'd had the courage to kiss him, he'd open his eyes, smile and tell me "I love you". And then I'd tell him how much I've loved him all this years. How I want him to embrace me and never let go. That to me he is everything…

To him I'm just a silly kid, he says I'm his "cute lil' bro" . When I can't stop myself and say something stupid he just says "Silly Kakeru, don't say funny things, people will think you're weird" Just by hearing that I know he's not looking at me at all, it's awful it makes me feel like I'm about to puke. Even though, I shouldn't feel sick I ought to feel relieved. If he's not looking at me then he can't tell there's something very wrong with me. But a nasty little part of me wants him to know, to realize. Even if he's angry and doesn't think I'm "cute" anymore. If only he'd really look at me… I'd feel that I'm special, that I truly exist in this world (his world). But he's never going to do that.

I can tell that a part of him can sense there's something bothering me, something he doesn't want to know. Even if he doesn't suspect what it might be, he's troubled and scared of it, of me. I can't blame him for pushing me away; this burden is too heavy. If he'd suddenly realize what I feel for him and accept this forbidden love then he would also be troubled by the pain, his heart would be filled with shadows and he'd be as unhappy as I am now. He'd no longer be the wonderful person that I cherish in my heart. And I'd know I was the cause of his downfall.

Constantly, it seems like there is an abyss steadily growing between us. He now spends a lot of time with his group of friends, and training or studying. My parents are somewhat concerned that he seems to be very busy, but they are proud of him so they don't say anything. All I can do is follow in his shadow and look at him from a distance. I know I can't ever have even half the talent and charisma he has. Though I understand it, I'm stubborn. If he keeps on getting further away from me then I just have to keep chasing him.

In order to always be by his side I've become the manager of the school's soccer team, in the future when he's playing professionaly I'd like to become his manager. It wasn't my original goal of course. Once upon a time I had cherished the idea of being in the sub21 with him, and one day in Japan's national team. We used to be unstoppable with my passes and his uncanny ability as a forward, we tasted vistory many times. But those times are far behind me now, something I'm trying to forget. But Suguru hasn't forgotten, he keeps asking me to play soccer again, but I can't. He doesn't understand my reasons for it, just in the same way he can't understand my real feelings. I've already made up my mind, is just that it's hard for me to give up playing soccer for good, so at night I secretly sneak out to play a bit. For a while I give myself up to wild fancies of worldcup matches where I'm able to play alongside with Suguru, and where my left leg's impediment doesn't matter.

It is because soccer is something that has joined me to Suguru all our lives, in one way or another. And when Suguru is playing is when I feel that he shines the most, in the field I can only look at him. It could be due to the passionate look in his eyes and the sincerity of his smile when he's talking about soccer that the love I felt for him has grown to be so unbearable. If he'd love me in the way he loves soccer then I'd feel I want nothing else in this world.

I thought that even if he didn't love me I'd be fine, if I could be by his side forever. But... it was not to be.

It is now Valentine's day and I can see people hurrying through the school's hallways. Girls go pass me holding bags or boxes of chocolates for the guys they like. Seeing them hurts, everything reminds me of Suguru, even this supposedly joyful holyday. Just the previous year many of those chocolate boxes would have been for Suguru. He was always very popular among the girls. I suddenly notice a senpai holding a glossy heart shaped box standing in front of me, she smiled and held out the box for me to take. I said "thank you" while choking back the tears. I had to go home, couldn't take it anymore. What is a carboard box compared to what Suguru gave me? my heart hurts, Suguru's heart beating wildy in my chest.

I'm alive only because he's dead. His heart was given to me by the hospital's doctors just after we were brought in after the accident. He's gone, but his hopes, his dreams, his feelings are alive inside of me. I only recently realized that it was me that never understood Suguru at all. It was only after I read his diary that I began to realize that. My love, my brother, my savior. I will carry on with your dream and go back to playing soccer, the sport you loved so much. I'll become the knight in the field that you always hoped I'd be.