A plot bunny just kept nibbling away at me last night, and I finally just had to give in... Now with a bonus chapter!
Kim and Shego faced each other down, just as they had done countless times before.
"So, Princess. Ready to back down yet?"
"No way, Shego. Not now, not ever. No matter how this turns out."
They both realized that things were different this time. Much different.
Shego growled back, "Yeah. Didn't think so. You've always been much too prissy for your own good."
Kim's eyes flared back in anger. "Look who's talking, Miss Wanted-In-Eleven-Countries."
Shego returned Kim's look with a fierce smile. "You're a little out of date with your numbers, Kimmie. It's much more than that. And you know it."
Kim gritted her teeth. "Yeah, but only because this world's going to hell in a handbasket."
Shego tsked back, "Ooh, and you don't like that? Maybe people prefer an evil femme fatale over a too-full-of-herself Goody-Two-Shoes like you."
Kim laconically replied, "The world likes me just fine, Shego."
"Oh, yeah? Well, let me just clue you in, Little Miss Priss. It likes me more."
Kim curled her lip in defiance. "We'll just see about that, Shego. After all the times I've saved the world, I'm wanted in every country."
She crossed her arms and smugly continued, "And that's loved and respected, by the way. Not feared and loathed, like you."
Shego hissed back, "Haven't you ever heard the saying that it's better to be feared than loved, Kimmie? And besides, I'd rather be desired than loved. Why do you think I wear this form-fitting catsuit, anyway? For my health?"
She gave a fierce flip of her luxurious jet-black hair for good measure.
Unwilling to let herself to be one-upped by her long-standing enemy, Kim confidently persevered. "Sure, Shego. And that's one superinflated ego you've got there, by the way. But when it comes right down to it, men prefer pretty redheads two to one over trampy brunettes. And I've always been the pretty one. Right, Ron?"
Ron blushed self-consciously as he flashed Kim a quick smile.
Shego snorted. "Pretty? Yeah, pretty lame if you ask me."
But Kim blithely brushed off the dig. "And we're just about to have that confirmed definitively, once and for all. So don't forget, Shego. I'm the girl who can do anything."
"Girl?" Shego scoffed. "You're hardly a girl anymore, Cupcake."
Kim confidently smiled, "Maybe so, but there's one thing for certain."
The raven-haired villain sneered, "Oh? And what's that?"
Kim snickered back from beneath hooded eyes. "I'll always be younger than you."
This earned her a fierce glare from her longtime nemesis. "Is that so? You better watch that smart mouth of yours if you expect to live to see your next birthday!"
Shego fired up her plasma with a fierce swoosh to underscore her point.
Ron, however, had just about had enough of their snarking, and angrily yelled, "Would you two please cut it out?"
He popped the tab on an ice-cold can of Palweiser, which gave a pleasant spritzing sound as its effervescence was released.
He turned to the blue-skinned villain sitting next to him on the couch. "Want another beer, Dr. D?"
Drakken shrugged, "Nnngh. No thanks. I may have to drive Shego home if this doesn't turn out well. Designated driver, and all that."
Ron shoveled another handful of potato chips into his mouth as Rufus continued to frolic in the chip bowl.
"Sure, no big, Dr. D. Hey, it looks like the results are finally ready to be announced."
Wade Load appeared on the wide-screen computer monitor in front of them, accompanied by appropriately gaudy Hollywood-style background music.
"Welcome, everyone, to the first ever Most Popular Kim Possible Female Character Contest! I'm streaming this podcast worldwide directly from my secret location here in Middleton, Colorado, otherwise known as… my room." Canned laughter erupted from the background.
"Yes, the fur has definitely been flying as our favorite females have jockeyed for the much-coveted top spot. Now that the initial elimination round has been concluded, the top five ladies have clawed their way to the final round, and our results are now in. Drum roll, please!"
A cheesy snare drum began its roll as Wade began.
"First, let's see where all our votes came from."
A colorful display appeared, with different shaded bars indicating the countries from which all the votes had originated.
Ron's eyebrows shot up. "Hey, look! There's even two votes from Antarctica! Booyah!"
Wade blithely announced, "We'll start with Number 5 on our hit parade. Eking out her win with 9% of the votes, the winner is… Kim Possible's mom, Dr. Ann Possible!"
Terrific applause broke out as Wade continued to speak. "Even though she came in with just 9% of the total vote, she got the nod of a whopping 75% of our male voters over age 45!"
The faux audience laughed as Wade waved for silence.
"Coming in at Number 4 with 11% of the vote, is the blond sweetheart of the Middleton High School Cheer Squad, Tara!"
More applause and gaudy music followed as Wade continued.
"Congratulations, Tara! And now it's getting serious, folks, as we announce our top three winners. Coming in at Number 3 and with 16% of the vote, is Kim Possible's eternally snobbish challenger for the leadership of the Middleton High Cheer Squad, and fierce protector of her spot at the top of the popularity food chain, Miss Bonnie Rockwaller!"
A terrific scream of anguish was heard in the distance.
Ron remarked, "Hey, that sounded like Bonnie!"
Kim noted, "But doesn't she live, like, three miles away?"
Ron smiled back, "Yup. Quite a set of pipes she's got there, dontcha' think?"
But Wade suddenly looked very surprised, as the audience hushed in curious expectation. He stuttered, "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, although statistically impossible, we seem to have a virtual tie for the second place spot, each character having received exactly 21% of the vote. But we all know that… anything's possible for a Possible!"
A rim shot rang out as the audience both chuckled and groaned at Wade's pun. Kim and Shego however were on the edge of their seats in anticipation.
"And tied for second place…"
Kim and Shego's eyes widened apprehensively. The moment of truth had finally arrived.
"…is our snarky Green Goddess of Evil, Shego…"
Shego softly swore under her breath as her shoulders immediately slumped in defeat.
"…and our favorite red-headed world saver, Kim Possible!"
Both women's jaws dropped as they leaped out of their chairs in bewilderment and consternation, furiously yelling, "WHAT!"
They both began to vehemently babble at the same time.
"I refuse to believe this!"
"There's gotta be some mistake…"
"I demand a recount!"
"Anything may be possible for a Possible, but this is just ridiculous…"
Wade continued to grin widely as he announced, "And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, the Number One Most Popular Kim Possible Female! And our grand prize winner is… drum roll please…"
The terrific crescendo of the drums increased dramatically, suddenly stopping as Wade tore open the envelope. The audience held their breath in mutual anticipation as he made the final pronouncement.
"…our favorite Ninja Girl, Yori!"
A sweeping Broadway-style tune burst forth from the speakers as Kim and Shego looked on in dumbfounded surprise.
Wade continued, "Wow, this was a real close one, folks! And not only is Yori the number one choice by our fans, but she eked out her win by just one vote!"
Dismay was etched on Kim's disappointed face.
"No… this can't be… I just can't believe this…"
Shego, however, was livid.
"What! That ninja psychobabe beat us both out? And by only one vote?"
Wade began speaking again. "And the city where that one single vote came from is…"
His fingers deftly flew across the computer keyboard in front of him.
Shego frowned and turned to her former competition for the desperately hoped-for top spot.
"Middleton, huh?" She thumbed one black glove toward Ron. "Say, Kimmie, ya think that your sidekick here might have had something to do with that? I seem to remember him and Yori having some... history together."
Kim's brow furrowed in anger as she turned toward her current flame, which might quickly become extinguishedif what she suspected was true. In a pleasant sing-song voice, she crossed her arms and asked, "Oh, Ronnie? Care to spill on any of this, Mr. Mystical Monkey Master?"
Ron blushed brightly as he began self-consciously scratching the back of his neck. With a weak laugh he stuttered back, "Uh, I think I'll plead the fifth on that, KP."
He began whistling an off-key tune as he stared up at the ceiling.
Kim growled menacingly, "Ron, you got some splainin' to do!"
Shego furiously fired up her plasma as she fiercely declared, "Fire in the hole!"
As Ron nearly fainted dead away in fright, Drakken and Rufus both paled in fear and simultaneously whimpered together,
Finis... But For Whom?
Well, it's not looking too good for the Ronster, but I'll leave it to the power of your respective imaginations as to what happens next… And speaking of competitions, the best of luck to those who've made it to the final round of the 2011 Fannies, which happened to inspire this little wrongsick tale. Booyah!