The Dangers of Climbing Commoner Trees.
By The Next Alice~
2,777 words long.
Disclaimer: I'm not Bisco Hatori, because if I was, I would have introduced a beautiful, rich Salvadorian girl character and have her marry Mori-sempai. Yes, I would have made myself marry a fictional man.
"Haruhi! Save Daddy! Uwaaaah!" Tamaki Suoh's frightened cry could be heard three blocks away from the children's park in which the Ouran High School Host Club were currently in. Standing beside the called for cross dresser, Kyoya Ootori adjusted his glasses, resulting an intellectual gleam that nearly blinded Haruhi Fujioka, who had turned to him for advice. However, before she could say anything (or recover from the white spots that were now magically floating before her brown eyes), the uproarious laughter of two ginger twins drowned out any hope of communication.
"Boss is stuck in a tree! Like a stupid cat!" Hikaru Hitachiin shrieked with laughter, holding his sides to avoid possible spontaneous combustion.
"He tried to reach the top to impress Haruhi! And now he's stuck!" Kaoru Hitachiin's laughter equalled that of his twin brothers, and he rolled on the grassy ground, unable to stop.
Nearer to the offending tree, Mitsukuni Haninozuka – known as Hunny for short – peered up through the leafy foliage, anxiously trying to locate his kouhai. "I hope Tama-chan is okay; he doesn't sound too good up there…" the small blonde said to the dark-haired boy on whose shoulders he was riding, his voice concerned.
"Nn." Takashi Morinozuka –known as Mori to his friends- agreed with his cousin, also worried for his tree climbing friend.
"Guys! Help me! Pleeease!" the Host King wailed, feeling forgotten already. "It's such a long way down!" he added queasily, sneaking a peek at the ground below.
Having recovered from her temporary blindness, Haruhi made her way to the large tree that Tamaki was clinging to like one would hang on the side of a rescue boat, trying to escape the sinking Titanic.
Yes. That was how hard he hung on. The poor man was really scared.
Wow. This is probably the only thing that could go wrong that I didn't think of, Haruhi mentally deadpanned, judging the height between her sempai and ground. It was quite far.
"Do you think we should call the Fire Brigade? My landlady's cat got stuck once, and that was what she did." the brunette suggested to the duo beside her.
This wouldn't have happened if they had all just left me alone this weekend… Ugh. Haruhi's mind battled her will, pummelled it to the dust and took the girl on a quick flashback on why Tamaki Suoh, one of the richest young men in Japan, was situated in a tree, mewling pathetically as his 'Inner Mind Theatre' played all sorts of horrible, painful and gory ways he would die if he fell.
It had all started this morning. It was the weekend, and as soon as Haruhi's father Ranka had left (for coffee and a chat with his dear friend Misuzu, by the way); the host club had sprung themselves into the commoner apartment as uninvited guests. Again.
"Guess what, dear daughter! We're going to a commoner's park! Isn't that great!" Tamaki had announced both grandly and gleefully, waving his arms in the air and pulling dramatic poses.
"Do you guys really want to go to a children's playground?" Haruhi had quirked a dark brown eyebrow at the other club members.
"We don't have anything else to do. And besides, Kaoru looks so childish when he's all excited over the monkey bars and the swings." Hikaru explained nonchalantly. Kaoru immediately flushed red.
"Hikaru! I don't like being called childish! What's so wrong about liking to play on the swings?" the younger Hitachiin protested. Hikaru turned to face his brother, a devilish smirk appearing on his handsome face.
"Nothing, dear brother," his voice got distinctly lower, "In fact, I think it's downright adorable…"
"Please, you two, not in my house. Besides, there aren't any fan girls here." Haruhi sighed and turned her gaze to The Shadow King. "What about you, Kyoya-sempai? Surely even you wouldn't benefit from an excursion to the park."
The black-haired buy had snapped shut his black notebook (which was rumoured to be possessed by a shinigami) and smiled and 'isn't it obvious' smile at the girl, the very smile she had come to hate with her whole heart. "Isn't it obvious? I wish to observe the type of play equipment that children seem to like most. Then I can arrange to have them installed into the Ootori hospitals. Stemming from that, profits will increase, as the reputation of our hospitals will rise higher - if that is even possible - thanks to our child-friendly play equipment."
Haruhi sweat-dropped (it seemed to have become a habit; developed from hanging around these crazy people- or in Kyoya's case, scary and self-and-money stimulated person). Of course his motivation would be money, she's been foolish to think that maybe he wanted to hang upside-down from the monkey bars, as Tamaki inevitably would. Still, she'd never have thought that a simple trip to the nearby playground would increase the profits of hospitals around Japan…
"We wanna play on the playground too!" Hunny butted in, feeling somewhat ignored. "Usa-chan hasn't been to a park in ages! A change of scenery would be nice for her!" He held up the bunny in question, making her hop around, flowers of moe gleaming around him.
"Yeah. Parks are nice." Mori stated, stoic and expressionless as ever.
And so poor Haruhi (pun unintended) was outnumbered and dragged to the park a few blocks down from her house. The neighbourhood children didn't give the odd group a second glance, and continued playing soccer and chasey and using the play equipment. Stranger things had happened.
As soon as they had got there, Tamaki had seen THE tree. It was impossible not to; the leafy monstrosity towered above everything in sight. There it stood, mocking him, calling him, in the corner of the square park, just past the colourfully painted metal playground where children squealed with joy and paled in fear. It only took the blonde a few moments to run over the grass to the tree and look at it.
-Tamaki's Inner Mind Theatre presents:-
Tamaki climbed the tree in slow motion, pausing every so often to wave to the boyish-looking girl beneath him.
"Oh sempai, please be careful! I don't want you to get hurt!" Haruhi called up, a single tear escaping one of her big doe-like eyes as she thought of the dangers her beloved King was facing.
Tamaki gently drifted- no, floated! Floated down to Haruhi and swept her up in his arms, her white dress fluttering in the breeze. "I would never do anything to make you cry… My princess…"
-End Inner Mind Theatre-
Tamaki was up that tree in a flash, scampering from branch to branch like a monkey, albeit a very well dressed one.
"Haruhi! Look at Daddy!" he called, growling in frustration as she ignored him and continued to tell off the twins for scaring the smaller children with tales of man-eating bears, haunted swing sets and homicidal maniacs wielding weapons created from their own blood.
"And if you two don't behave, we'll leave the park!" she finished, hands on hips. Kaoru couldn't help giggling at her parent-like attitude.
"Yes, mummy. We'll be good."
"Haru- aaah!" in his enthusiasm to impress the commoner girl, the King had slipped on a stray banana peel (those thing were everywhere! Didn't people have the decency not to litter!), and went flying face first into the branch he had been previously standing on. "Owe~" Tamaki lifted his sore head to see that he was EVER so far off the ground… Enough to seriously damage his beautiful body if he fell. Taking immediate action, the blonde boy wrapped his arms and legs around the branch, which to some onlookers made him resemble a baby koala.
"Haruhi! Save Daddy!" He screamed in a decidedly shrill voice, attracting the attention of several small children (who stared at him, open-mouthed; why was the big boy in the tree when everyone's mummies and daddies had forbidden climbing it?) and thankfully that of the brunette girl.
And so they were back to the present reality. Tamaki had started whimpering. "I think I may have developed a fear of heights…" came down from the tree.
"I know!" Hikaru finally stopped laughing and stuck his finger in the air, Tamaki-style (hey, someone had to do it while their king was indisposed), "We can grab a big jacket, each hold a corner and he can fall into it, like a safety net. Mori-sempai, may we have your jacket?"
"Yeah." Mori handed over his large designer jacket without hesitation.
"That's not going to work. He's too heavy. The jacket will rip, or one of us will drop it, as Tamaki-sempai's weight will pull it out of their hand." Haruhi shot the idea down, hand on chin in a thinking pose, blatantly ignorant of the unseen arrows marked 'stupid idea' being fired into Hikaru by some eavesdropping small children. (They had surprisingly good aim.)
"How about a trampoline instead of the jacket! We have one at home, just a bit smaller than this park, so it should fit!"Kaoru suggested, leaning on his now-sulking brother.
"He'll bounce to outer space!" Hunny's eyes widened and he winced, hugging Usa-chan in what looked like an attempt to squeeze ideas out of her, "Tama-chan won't like that."
"How about we get a helicopter, fly it to Boss, sky dive out of it, grab him, and parachute safely to the ground!" the elder twin's golden eyes sparkled.
"Or cut down the tree! Then we can have a bonfire after, with marshmallows!"
"We could always threaten Kuma-chan, Boss's teddy… Heheh…"
"We could cast a curse on Suoh that causes him to overcome his fear of height and climb down the tree in a zombie-like state!" Nekozawa chimed in darkly, popping up from seemingly nowhere (in reality, he was at the park with his little sister Kirimi, who was playing happily on the slide). Beelzeneff twitched on his hand, as if adding in ideas of his own.
"We could throw pillows up! They'll explode, and the feathers will tickle him. Tama-chan will laugh so hard, he'll fall down and we can catch him!"
Amidst the crazy ideas flying back and forth, Kyoya made a discreet signal to the tallest member of the club, who nodded. As their suggestions grew increasingly louder and ridiculous, no-one noticed Mori determinedly scaling the massive tree, slinging Tamaki over his shoulder and safely making it down.
"And then there will be a massive fireball, which will wipe out the strawberry milk farm-"
"Waaah! My strawberry milk farm!"
"-and Black Star will ride on the top of it-"
"He's have to be on Kidd's flying skateboard though,"
"-with Tsubaki in chain-scythe mode, and he can wrap the chain around Boss and-"
"Uh guys. I'm here." Tamaki interrupted quietly. The circle of teens looked at him.
"You wild stories were all very nice, but I believe it's time to return home. It's late enough as it is." Kyoya frowned in annoyance; it had taken a considerable amount of time for those bumbling idiots he called 'friends' (using the term loosely) to realise that the object of their dilemma was already down. In fact, the sun was beginning to set, and park was mostly empty.
"I suppose there is no reason to be around then, and it is time for Kirimi and I to return home. Beelzeneff and I shall see you all at school… Ufufufu…" Nekozawa walked normally over to the play equipment to collect his blonde sister, who waved cheerfully to the host club before clasping her brother's hand and walking to the waiting limo.
"Aww. We have to go home…" Hikaru sighed, and then turned to Kaoru. "You remind me of the babe." he said casually as the group began to walk out of the park. Kaoru looked confused.
"The babe with the power! Teehee~" Hunny burst in unexpectedly.
"The power?" Haruhi rolled her eyes. These weird rich people… Spouting random weird sentences… Dragging her to children's parks… But these lines did seem familiar… Were they setting her up to be Rick Rolled or something?
"The power of voodoo." Mori's baritone voice echoed out as the large group continued down the street, taking up most of the footpath and annoying cyclers and other pedestrians.
"Who do?" Kyoya snapped, irritated by the nonsensical direction that the admittedly useless conversation was going. Why on earth were they all churning out lines from an old movie? It made no sense.
"You do! Remind me of the babe! Yaaaay! What a perfect way to end our day, good job Hikaru~" Tamaki flung his arms out, narrowly missing Kyoya's face and instead grabbing Haruhi, planting a kiss on her forehead.
(Behind them, Hikaru seethed with rage as Kaoru held him back.
"Put the money in! Five minutes, remember Hika-chan!" Hunny pleaded, holding out the 'Hikaru's Temper Collection' piggy bank while Mori stood by with a stopwatch.)
Haruhi's eyes narrowed. "I see you're over your tree experience. What was that for, sempai?"
"For being my lovely daughter! I'm so glad Mummy had you!" -The blonde boy shot a gleeful look at Kyoya- "and now we can have a sleepover at your house! Its perfectly normal for a family to sleep in the same house, and since Mori-sempai and Hunny-sempai are our neighbours, we'll just call it a sleepover party!"
"Yaaaay! Sleepover at Haruhi's!" a happy chorus sounded from behind.
"When will your limos come and pick you up?" the commoner moaned loudly, resigning herself to the fact that 1) the guys would probably -no, definitely, because Ranka wasn't coming home tonight (he had… other… things to do), 2) Kyoya would be no help - in fact (she turned to see him vanish into a limo almost identical to Nekozawa's) he was already gone - and 3) her plans of a peaceful weekend, to be spent relaxing and studying, were over.
But hey. These guys she called friends weren't that bad. And when she got right down to it, they were the only ones she would want to possibly end up sharing a bed with.
"Haruhi! You're not paying attention! What pizza do you want?" Hikaru gently rapped against her head with his knuckles, as if knocking on a door, while the other host members surrounded her. The dreaming expression on the girl's face vanished and was replaced with a sudden smile.
"Something with fancy tuna!"
"Roger roger, captain!" the twins saluted as Tamaki sparkled over her sudden smile ("My daughters smiles are just the cutest~"). Close behind them, Hunny and Mori had a rather one-sided discussion on who would win in a war: The Resembool Rangers or the Mini-skirt Army, a topic introduced to them by Renge and one that the whole host club was divided over.
(Mori and Hunny were voting for the Mini-skirt Army, as was Kaoru, while Tamaki, Kyoya and Hikaru proudly flew the flag of the Resembool Rangers. Haruhi was currently undecided.)
No-one questioned whether it was possible to get a pizza with fatty/fancy tuna; after all, one of them could always buy the pizza place if they protested, or just order a maid to make one and bring it to Haruhi's apartment (although that would mean missing out on the awesome experience of tasting commoner food). All in all, it was a regular club outing, one filled with fun, the curiosity of pampered rich teens and the urge to face palm every five minutes. Actually, it was quite peaceful, until the group reached Haruhi's block of apartments…
"Look Haruhi! I never noticed! This tree is even taller than the one at the park!"
"Do you have a weird fixation with trees, Boss?"
"Is it a fetish? Should we be worried, Boss?"
"TAMAKI-SEMPAI! NOT AGAIN!
I hope you enjoyed my first fan fiction! And if you can guess or know some of the references I made, I'll give you a reward of some kind! I'll write you a one-shot or something, 'kay? (if you can think of something better, just say so.) Here's a clue: there are six, and they're pretty easy to find~ except for one. If you notice that one, you are the most amazing and observant person ever. Muchas gracias for reading and I'll see you next time, mi amigos!
_-The Next Alice-_