Bonnie fluttered her eyes open to find her sight enveloped in cozy warmth brought on by the sunlight peeking in from the curtains and light dancing along her caramel skin. There was a light fleece blanket folded over the lower half of her body, which she looked down to find was draped in a tee-shirt that was far too big for her tiny frame. She found herself clinging to a fistful of silk sheets and a warm body pressed hard against hers, iron arms wrapped around her waist and a face nuzzled in the crook of her neck, pale limbs tangled in hers.
Oh god, she was spooning with Damon goddamn Salvatore.
She didn't seem to mind at all up until her consciousness crept up and shook her completely awake, unleashed a heavy panic to settle in her bones, all in her blood, her nerves, and her veins.
She couldn't recall how she made it to his bed, when or how they managed to get upstairs, when and who changed her clothing before crawling into bed, and most importantly, how she willingly snuggled up with Damon. She closed her eyes tight, trying to force herself to remember, to force the memory to the forefront, but it was just a blank space in her mind.
Bonnie had completely blacked out during that portion of her life.
"Oh my god," She whispered to herself.
She was beginning to form holes in real-time placement now, her mind forcing gaping spaces inside of her to make room for the memories that were slipping through the cracks of the dam there. They were all going to come flooding in, completely demolish the only wall she managed to keep up to keep them out for a little while longer and it was beginning. Slowly at first, little dreams and triggers here or there, but now a version of herself that she had been repressing, a version of herself that was completely and madly in love with Damon, was trying to force her way in.
And any version of Bonnie Bennett couldn't be contained for too long.
Bonnie was full of mixed emotions, her other self's and her own. She held some thoughts that didn't belong to her and some that did and the ones that didn't were slowly beginning to overpower them.
She wasn't quite aware of it yet, but she was changing.
Slowly, she lifted Damon's arms away from her waist and lifted herself to sit up in his bed. She pushed her bedhead up and back out of her face in a panic, anxiety filling her. She scanned the body asleep next to hers, bare torso and softly shut eyes.
"So now we're back at the portion of our relationship where you stare at me creepily while I sleep." Damon said groggily, his eyes opening afterward.
Bonnie looked away quickly, her eyes wide with worry and fear. Without word, she scampered out of bed and to her feet, pacing the space between his bathroom and his bed. She bit at her nail beds, a bad habit she picked up when she'd first found out she was a witch, one she thought she'd broken, but abruptly felt the need to pick up again.
"What the hell is happening to me?" She spoke to herself quietly.
"Bonnie, you okay?" Damon asked, pushing himself upright in bed. "You're talking to yourself and it's a little bit weird."
Bonnie looked up at him with urgent orbs, ignoring his comment. "Where's Stefan?" She asked. "I need to talk to him. Like now, right now."
"Downstairs, but what's wrong? Is everything okay?" He questioned worriedly, taking note of the fear swimming in his witch's eyes, but she ignored his curiosity. "Bonnie, talk to me."
Bonnie continued to ignore Damon, instinctively tugging at the black hair tie wrapped around her wrist that she hadn't known she placed there. She walked quickly and with purpose out of Damon's bedroom, trampling down the staircase as she pulled her hair up into a messy bun and called for Stefan repeatedly. He appeared quickly at the end of the staircase, a concerned Caroline following after him.
"Bonnie, what is it?" Stefan asked taking in her perplexed face.
"I can't remember, Stefan." Bonnie whispered to him harshly.
"Can't remember what?" Caroline asked, confusion scrunching up the features in her face.
Stefan's eyebrows furrowed, as he was the only one who knew exactly what she was talking about. He and Bonnie shared an equally fearful look. His questioned what exactly it was that she'd forgotten. Bonnie bit her lip, looking up as Damon stood at the top of the staircase watching intently at the scene right below him. She returned her gaze to the younger Salvatore.
"Whatever happened between us coming in and finding Damon on the floor last night and me waking up this morning is gone. I can't remember anything at all. It's just a blank spot. It's gone."
Stefan's lips parted slightly, but left his coming words to dangle on the tip of his tongue, between his teeth as his eyes flickered up to his older brother, whom of which, was absolutely clueless to what was potentially going on with his girlfriend and had no idea how to help. Stefan knew Damon well enough to say that anger and resentment is all he'd receive if he knew he and Bonnie were keeping secrets from him. He didn't even want to begin to think of how Caroline would react.
"What's gone? Your memory?" Caroline squeaked, fighting to understand.
Bonnie nodded, gulping hard. "I told you guys. My magic is acting up and I'm having trouble with my memory patterns. It wasn't a big deal at first, but now I'm basically blacking out without warning."
It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth, either and the look she and Stefan shared immediately after she said the words confirmed Stefan's question. Were they about to out her to the two of them? Not quite.
Maybe not ever.
"So what do we do then?" Damon asked, making his way down the steps to stand by Bonnie's side. "Do we take you to your Grams' and let her do some witchy ju-ju inside your head to straighten you out?"
Bonnie considered it, but decided against it just as quickly as the thought came. Her Grams wanted her to stay in this world, to not tamper with the balance that the spirits had set for her. Her Grams would encourage her to exhume the part of her that was familiar with this scenery, with these people, with these feelings.
"No," Bonnie said snappily. "Not Grams, she doesn't understand how maddening this is. She gives me tea and tells me to calm down and she wouldn't be comfortable doing the amount of magic it would require to get into my head and roam around for a source and to be honest, I'm not that comfortable with it, either. She'd know everything that's ever happened to me, even private things."
Her eyes flickered to Damon's bare torso then, scanning his toned tummy and defined abs. She shuddered without warning and forced herself to look away. She didn't want her Grams to know she's been silently checking Damon out, either. That may be expected from the Bonnie that belongs here, but not from her and the thought of it was an all-around embarrassing situation waiting to happen.
"Then what do you suppose we do, Bonnie? Let you continue to forget everything at any, given time? Not a chance." Damon said, folding his arms over his chest with finality. "We're going to Sheila."
Bonnie looked up at him incredulously. "Who are you to tell me what I will and won't do, Damon? Look, I know you're worried, but I can do the spell I need by myself without her."
"You already said it required way too much magic for one witch. She's more experienced. Let her deal with it." He argued.
"No, Damon! It's my head. I know my way in and around a lot better than she does and I don't want her to hurt herself just trying to get in. I've taken a lot of precautions on myself to ensure no one can get in my mind without a fight."
"And how do you know you won't hurt yourself?" Damon questioned. "How do you know your magic isn't turning on you and will lay you out the minute you try?"
Damon's eyes were wide with an all-consuming anger and fear and love and passion that Bonnie didn't know what to do with, but she stood her ground against him, taking one shaky step closer to him, her eyes determined and settled.
"Better me than her." She said through tightly gritted teeth.
"I beg to differ." He spat haughtily.
Bonnie tightened her lips in a thin line, eyes burning with rage she wasn't sure she could control. Stefan watched the two of them, only two inches of space between their bodies and Damon's towering height made him seem so intimidating, but Bonnie's lifted head and direct eye-contact made her the witch to underestimate if you were looking for a way to die quickly and still painfully.
"It's my head, my say." Bonnie told him. "You can either get my candles for me or I'll do it myself."
And with that, she shoved past him toward the living room, her spite emitting in the air and mixing with the tension the two of them had caused. Caroline kept her eyes to her feet, fearful that Damon would snap at her, but instead she heard low, incoherent grumbles from Damon as he padded to china cabinet where Bonnie stored her ju-ju candles, as he called them. She covered her mouth as she giggled.
Damon was stoic on the outside, leaning casually against a beam that made the entrance to the den in the boardinghouse as he watched Bonnie sit in the center of a circle surrounded by red and white candles. On the inside, though, he was wrecked and smothered with his own worry for her. If he were as selfish as he thought he was, he'd have told Bonnie that he'd gladly see her Grams to her grave if it meant he could keep her here alive longer. He wasn't sure Bonnie's death was something he'd survive.
He'd already ruled out the humanity switch, as it was only good for so long and that it never really went off, rather than he built a sudden dam in his heart that allowed his emotions to flow freely and that dam always had a weak point. Sometimes it comforted him to abruptly decide that the day his watch went out, he'd follow right behind her and meet her on the other side.
Bonnie was scared, to say the least.
She wasn't sure what would happen when she came out from caving into herself, who she would be, what she would know, what she would remember, but she didn't want to scare herself out of doing this, because her pride wouldn't allow her to. She settled down comfortably on the cushion Stefan had retrieved for her, because she knew the spell would knock her unconscious.
She shared one look with Damon before she began chanting the spell, her magic awakened by her connection to nature and the spirits that dwelled within it. It pricked at her skin, causing numbness to spread throughout her. She continued to chant the words, though her voice was growing weaker and weaker, as well as her sight. She sounded so far away from herself.
That's when she fell flat and sprawled out on the floor and Damon's breath hitched in his throat.
She found herself wandering around the boardinghouse again, but she knew that it wasn't necessarily real, because everything seemed to take on a more dream-like quality, a slight blur.
That's when she saw herself, her other self, laying flat on her back on the floor holding a glass of wine in one hand and Damon's fingers tangled in her other. The two of them were laughing together. At what? She didn't know, but still, she stepped closer to get a better look at them. Damon's eyes were shut, but his smile consumed his features. Happiness radiated off of him and bounced around the surrounding area and her other self seemed to breathe it all in and exhale a happiness of her own.
She couldn't remember when the last time she'd seen herself this happy before was.
"That's because, this is the happiest I've ever been." Her own voice said behind her.
Bonnie turned quickly to see another version of herself with curls down to her breasts and vibrant, green eyes staring at her curiously, grinning. She pushed herself from the wall she leaned against and came closer to her. Bonnie's eyes grew wide, taking in her own subconscious. Bonnie was afraid, but she seemed very amused by her.
"Are you…?" Bonnie began, but was cut off by her nodding.
"You? Somewhat," She sighed. "I'm her." She pointed at the Bonnie in her head that was preoccupied by Damon and booze. "I'm the one that you've been dying to keep buried away."
"Why is this happening to me?" Bonnie asked her fearfully.
She watched as her other self shuffled and swayed her way across the room to sit on a table with her legs folded over. She didn't answer at first, simply watched Bonnie with an indifferent expression.
"Nothing is happening to you." She informed her. "You happened to me. I woke up trapped in my own head, completely blocked off from reality and my friends and my Damon."
Bonnie didn't miss the way she referred to Damon as hers, like he was a prize, a possession.
"And the answer to any questions you might have is simple. I. Want. Out." She told her sternly. "You have no idea what you're doing, no idea who you're dealing with, no idea who I even am and you're ruining everything. This is my life and you're getting to live it and screw it up as you please and I'm not okay with it. Since the spirits can't help, as they were fulfilling a special request made by you, I had to do something about it myself."
"By erasing my memories?!" Bonnie shouted angrily, only earning a heavy sigh from herself.
"No, by pushing mine forward when yours were fading. Now that you're here, the world you dropped in on me from no longer exists from the point in which Elena died on Wickery Bridge. Meaning, none of the things you remember about your life exists and how can you have memories of things that didn't happen? I did you a favor. I'm filling in the holes for you. Otherwise, you'd be running around here blank and scared and full of nothing but vacancy and blurs."
Bonnie's eyes filled up with tears and her other self actually seemed concerned for the first time since she'd stumbled upon her.
"Why would you even want to go back?" She asked Bonnie. "You were miserable there. No one loved you. They just used you and used you and you never heard from any of them if you were useless to the cause. They killed Grams. They killed innocent people. They turned Caroline. They brought you face-to-face with real evil without choice. Jeremy was all you had and even that was a bust. Why would you want to go back to that? Here, you have real friends, people who love you, people you come first to. Damon has his humanity and isn't running off snapping necks every five minutes. I've seen everything from your side of life and it isn't a happy place."
And then she said something to Bonnie that stuck, something that made her feel like she had finally come crawling out of polluted air and schemes of smoke. It felt like she was finally getting glimpses of some sort of light, like she was beginning to realize and come to terms.
"There's nothing there for you, Bonnie. Nothing at all and you can't go back to nothing."
I just want to say thank you to everyone who's still supportive to this sorry, even though it took over a year to update. And now we're getting to the actual plot. I keep getting a lot of reviews about Bonnie's iffy-ness to stay in this reality. I just will say that it wouldn't be very Bonnie-like if she simply set everyone else aside and thought of herself. Bonnie isn't selfish and I feel like she would feel like automatically settling down without even trying would be a little bit selfish. Anyhow, keep reviewing. I love to hear you guys' thoughts :)
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own TVD. That's the CW and L. J. Smith.