"The Big Drama Theory"

Rated T

Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.

Chapter 1: The Cast/Pilot, Part 1

Okay, other than the Parodies that I do, this has to be the best idea I could ever come up with! Anyway, here is the cast of my Total Drama & The Big bang Theory parody entitled, The Big Drama Theory!

Harold - Leonard Hofstadter

Bridgette - Penny

Cody - Sheldon Cooper

Ezekiel - Howard Wolowitz

Noah - Rajesh "Raj" Koothrappali

Gwen - Any Farrah Fowler

Beth - Bernadette Rostenkowski

Izzy - Leslie Winkle

That's all I have for now, but I will promise that everyone from the Total Drama series will be on there. Now for the pilot!

A corridor at a sperm bank. Harold McGrady Hofstadter and Cody Anderson Cooper arrive.

Cody: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved it will, however, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.

Harold: Agreed, what's your point?

Cody: There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a tee-shirt.

Harold: Excuse me?

Receptionist: Hang on.

Harold: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Harold: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?

Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.

Cody: I think this is the place.

Receptionist: Fill these out.

Harold: Thank-you. We'll be right back.

Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.

They sit and begin to fill in forms.

Cody: Harold, I don't think I can do this.

Harold: What, are you kidding? You're a semi-pro.

Cody: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Harold: Cody, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.

Cody: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there's some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?

Harold: I'm sure she'll still love him.

Cody: I wouldn't.

Harold: Well, what do you want to do?

Cody: I want to leave.

Harold: Okay.

Cody: What's the protocol for leaving?

Harold: I don't know, I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.

Cody: Let's try just walking out.

Harold: Okay.

Receptionist: Bye.

Cody: Bye-bye.

Harold: See you.

Cody and Harold leave.

The stairs of the apartment building. Cody and Harold start climbing up together one by one.

Cody: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?

Harold: No.

Cody: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?

Harold: Not really.

Cody: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

Harold: I don't care. Two millimetres? That doesn't seem right.

Cody: No, it's true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

Harold: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

Cody: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

They see their neighbor's door instantly wide open.

Harold: New neighbor?

Cody: Evidently.

Harold: Significant improvement over the old neighbor.

Cody: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is.

Their spunky, yet pretty new neighbor Bridgette steps into the door. She sees Harold and Cody.

Bridgette: Oh, hi!

Harold: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Harold: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Bridgette: (clueless) Hi?

Harold: We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.

Bridgette: Oh, that's nice.

Harold: (struggling) Oh… uh… no… we don't live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.

Bridgette: Oh, okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbor, Bridgette.

Harold: Harold, Cody.

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.

Bridgette: Thank you, maybe we can have coffee sometime.

Harold: Oh, great.

Bridgette: Great.

Cody: Great.

Harold: Great. Well, bye.

Bridgette: Bye.

Cody: Bye.

Harold: Bye.

Bridgette closes the door behind her.

Harold: Should we have invited her for lunch?

Cody: No. We're going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

Harold: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.

Cody: Not with commentary.

Harold: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

Cody: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

Harold: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.

Cody: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.

Harold: Yes, and you've never met one of them.

Cody: That's the beauty of it.

Harold: I'm going to invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat.

Harold leaves the room.

Cody: Chat? We don't chat. At least not offline.

Cody goes after Harold.

Harold: Well it's not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.

Harold knocks on the door.

Cody: To what end?

Bridgette comes out greeted by Cody and Harold again.

Harold: Hi. Again.

Bridgette: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Harold: Hi.

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.

Cody: Harold, I'm not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Bridgette: Oh, you're inviting me over to eat?

Harold: Uh, yes.

Bridgette: Oh, that's so nice, I'd love to.

Harold: Great.

Bridgette: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Cody: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Cody and Harold's apartment. Bridgette is still with them.

Harold: Okay, well, make yourself at home.

Bridgette: Okay, thank you.

Harold: You're very welcome.

Bridgette: This looks like some serious stuff, Harold, did you do this?

Cody: Actually that's my work.

Bridgette: Wow.

Cody: Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke, it's a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

Bridgette: So you're like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.

Cody: Yeah.

Bridgette: This is really impressive.

Harold: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

Bridgette: Holy smokes.

Cody: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Harold: What?

Cody: Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below "Here, I sit broken hearted?"

Harold: At least I didn't have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

Cody: I didn't invent them, they're there.

Harold: In what universe?

Cody: In all of them, that is the point.

Bridgette: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?

Bridgette starts to sit on the right spot on the sofa.

Cody: Um, Bridgette, that's where I sit.

Bridgette: So? Sit next to me.

Cody: No, I sit there.

Bridgette: What's the difference?

Cody: What's the difference?

Harold: (groaning) Here we go...

Cody: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

Bridgette: Do you want me to move?

Cody: Well...

Harold: Just sit somewhere else.

Cody: Fine.

Cody then wanders in circles, looking lost. Harold is a little annoyed by his wandering.

Harold: (forcely) Cody, sit!

Cody sits on the left side of the sofa.

Cody: (pretends to be excited) Aaah.

Harold: Well, this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over.

Cody: That's not true. Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over all the time.

Harold: Yes I now, but…

Cody: Tuesday night, we played Klingon Boggle until one in the morning.

Harold: Yes, I remember.

Cody: I resent you saying we don't have company.

Harold: I'm sorry.

Cody: That is an antisocial implication.

Harold: I said I'm sorry.

Bridgette: So, Klingon Boggle?

Harold: Yeah, it's like regular Boggle but, in Klingon. That's probably enough about us, tell us about you.

Bridgette: Um, me, okay, I'm Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

Cody: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

Bridgette: Participate in the what?

Harold: I think what Cody's trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.

Bridgette: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign. Okay, let's see, what else, oh, I'm a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.

Cody: That's interesting. Harold can't process corn.

Harold: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?

Bridgette: Oh, yeah, I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

Harold: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.

Cody: You're lactose intolerant.

Harold: (to Cody) I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.

Bridgette: Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

Harold: So it's based on your life?

Bridgette: No, I'm from Omaha.

Harold: Well, if that was a movie, I would go see it.

Bridgette: I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? (Thinks, but just gives up) Um, that's about it. That's the story of Bridgette.

Harold: Well, it sounds wonderful.

Bridgette: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.

Cody: (mouthing, to Harold) What's happening.

Harold: (mouths back, to Cody) I don't know.

Bridgette: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that's like as long as High School.

Cody: It took you four years to get through High School?

Harold: Don't...

Bridgette: I just, I can't believe I trusted him.

Harold: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.

Cody: You? No, you'll only make it worse.

Bridgette: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?

Cody: Yes.

Harold: No, it's not crazy it's, uh, uh, it's a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn't make it worse.

Bridgette: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, and on top of everything else I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work.

Harold: Our shower works.

Bridgette: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?

Cody: Yes.

Harold: No.

Cody: No?

Harold: No.

Cody: No.

Harold: (to Bridgette) It's right down the hall.

Bridgette: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.

Bridgette leaves to go to their bathroom. Harold looks very interested in Bridgette.

Cody: Well this is an interesting development.

Harold: How so?

Cody: It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

Harold: That's not true, remember at Thanksgiving, my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode.

Cody: Point taken. It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn't want to rip our eyes out.

Harold: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.

Cody: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

Harold: Excuse me?

Cody: That woman in there's not going to have sex with you.

Harold: Well, I'm not trying to have sex with her.

Cody: Oh, good. Then you won't be disappointed.

Harold: What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me, I'm a male and she's a female?

Cody: Yes, but not of the same species.

Harold: I'm not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

Cody: Oh, of course.

Harold: That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate. However briefly.

Cody: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?

Harold: It's Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker's the conditioner.

Harold opens the door in which his friends Ezekiel Wolowitz and Noah Koothrappali appear. Ezekiel has brought out a movie projector.

Ezekiel: Wait till you see this.

Noah: It's fantastic. Unbelievable.

Harold: See what?

Ezekiel: It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.

Harold: This is not a good time.

Ezekiel: It's before he became a creepy computer voice:.

Harold: That's great, you guys have to go.

Noah: Why?

Harold: It's just not a good time.

Cody: Harold has a lady over.

Ezekiel: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?

Harold: No. And she's not a lady, she's just a new neighbor.

Ezekiel: Hang on, there really is a lady here?

Harold: Uh-huh.

Ezekiel: And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus?

Harold: I'm not anticipating coitus.

Ezekiel: So she's available for coitus?

Harold: (irritated) Can we please stop saying "coitus"?

Cody: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.

Bridgette then gets out of the bathroom.

Bridgette: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower.

Bridgette then sees Ezekiel and Noah with her own emerald eyes.

Bridgette: Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!

Ezekiel: (approaches Bridgette) Enchante Madamoiselle. Ezekiel Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.

Bridgette: Bridgette. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.

Harold: Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower.

Ezekiel: Bon douche.

Bridgette: (to Ezekiel) I'm sorry?

Ezekiel: It's French for 'good shower'. It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.

Harold: Save it for your blog, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: (retardedly) See-ka-tong-guay-jow.

Interesting beginning, huh? More Big Bang Dramatic-ness will come through in Part 2 after you read and review! BAZINGA!