"The Big Drama Theory"
Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.
Chapter 6: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, Part 2
The hallway. Harold knocks on Bridgette's door and she opens automatically.
Bridgette: Ah, hey Harold.
Harold: (stupidly) Good afternoon Bridgette, so hi, hey. Uh… I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Bridgette: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Harold: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Harold: Or dinner. I was thinking 6:30, if you can go, or a different time.
Bridgette: Uh, 6:30's great.
Harold: (little excited) Really? Great!
Bridgette: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Harold: Us guys?
Bridgette: You know, Cody, Ezekiel, Noah, who all's coming?
Harold: They… might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example, Cody had Quizzno's for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn't, it's no fault of Quizzno's, they have a varied menu.
Bridgette: Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.
Harold: Great. Did we say a time?
Harold: And that's still good for you.
Bridgette: It's fine.
Harold: Cos it's not carved in stone.
Bridgette: No, 6:30's great.
Leonard: I'll get my chisel.
Leonard: To… carve the… okay, I'll see you six thirty.
Cody and Harold's apartment. Harold enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. He seems to be covered in nervous sweat stains as Harold seems to be pacing a little.
Harold: (to Cody) How do I look?
Cody: Could you be more specific?
Harold: Can you tell I'm perspiring a little?
Cody: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?
Cody: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.
Harold: Is it too much?
Cody: Not if you're a rugby team.
Harold: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn't join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizzno's.
Cody: Why would I join you?
Harold: No reason. (Decides to change his mind) Oh, you know what, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Cody: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Harold: You're right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.
Cody: Of course, there's the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.
Harold: You could have stopped at "it could go well."
Cody: If I could of, I would of.
Harold: I mean, I'm a perfectly nice guy. There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, "You love pottery? I love pottery!" You know, there's a pause, we both know what's happening, I lean in, we kiss, it's a little tentative at first but then I realize, she's kissing me back, and she's biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! (panting in panic) Oh God! Oh, my God!
Cody: Is the sex starting now?
Harold: I'm having a panic attack.
Cody: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.
Harold: If I could calm down, I wouldn't be having a panic attack, that's why they call it a panic attack.
Cody: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.
Cody: Just do it.
Cody: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.
Cody: It's a bio-feedback technique, it's relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.
Harold: Oh, who am I kidding, I can't go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.
Cody: What should I tell her.
Harold: I don't know. Tell her I'm sick.
Harold: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she'll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.
Cody: Got it. So I'm assuming nothing venereal. I'll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven't quite bounced back.
Harold: Give me the phone.
Cody: But I thought you wanted to cancel?
Harold: I can't because if I don't show up she'll still be expecting you.
Cody: Why would she be expecting me?
Harold: Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.
A restaurant somewhere downtown, Harold and Bridgette are busy having their dinner.
Bridgette: So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
Harold: Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Noah and Ezekiel had to work, and Cody had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
Bridgette: Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.
Harold: You're kidding, well, then, that's something we have in common.
Harold: We both have people in our lives who… want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.
Bridgette: So, what's new in the world of physics?
Bridgette: Really, nothing?
Harold: Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930's, and you can't prove string theory, at best you can say "hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency."
Bridgette: Ah. Well I'm sure things will pick up.
Harold: What's new at the Cheesecake Factory?
Bridgette: Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that's moving pretty well.
Harold: Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.
Bridgette: Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, he's nice and funny, but…
A waitress then comes by and approaches Harold and Bridgette.
Waitress: Can I get you started with some drinks?
Harold: No. (waves her away and turns to Bridgette) You were saying, but…
Bridgette: (to the waitress) I'd like a drink.
Harold: Just say the but thing about Doug and then I'll get her back.
Bridgette: Okay, well, you know, it's just me. I'm still getting over this break-up with Alejandro, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.
Harold: Ugh, don't get me started on rebound sex.
Bridgette: It's just, it's my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it's just thirty six meaningless of… well, you know.
Harold: I'm not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one… glorious summer.
Bridgette: No, it's usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.
Harold: Well, chafing, right?
Harold: Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool? (Bridgette nods) I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
Harold then places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side. Bridgette is amazed by this.
Bridgette: Wow, centrifugal force!
Harold: Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
The olive then drop right on the floor.
Harold: Excuse me.
Harold now starts to disappear under the table.
Harold: Now, if you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would...
Harold is soon cut off as he bangs his head on the underside of the table.
Bridgette: Are you okay?
Harold: Yeah, I'm okay. Did you spill ketchup?
Harold: (painfully) I'm not okay...
The stairwell of the apartment building, Bridgette is leading Harold up the stair as he's holding an ice pack on his head.
Bridgette: Are you sure you don't want to go to the emergency room?
Harold: No, no, I'm okay, it's stopped bleeding.
Bridgette: I know, but you did throw up. Isn't that a sign of a concussion?
Harold: Yes, but I get car sick too, so…
Harold: Sorry about your car, by the way.
Bridgette: Oh, no, it's fine, you got most of it out the window.
Harold: The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.
Bridgette: Yeah, me too. Um, good night.
Harold turns across hallway, but he stops when Bridgette calls him.) Leonard?
Bridgette: Was this supposed to be a date?
Harold: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Bridgette: Okay, I was just checking.
Harold: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.
Both Bridgette and Harold separate from each other as Harold enters the apartment. Cody looks at him assuringly.
Cody: So, how was your date?
Harold: (exclaiming proudly) Awesome!
Cody: Score one for liquor and poor judgement...
Looks like the 'date' went very well... at least...
Next up will be the aquatic masterpiece known as "The Luminous Fish Effect"! Read and review until then, folks. BAZINGA!