Behind These Brown Eyes:

In my world, everything decides to turn on me. It has been five months since this has all started. Every moment I made, everything breath I take...agony was right there. If only happiness knew how to find my way. I would be longing for a new life. I assume I deserve all this pain and suffering. I desired that fate would find someone else to haunt. My shadows failed to follow me, not even my own mind knew how to control. Yet, here I lay motionless, expressionless, and utterly heartless.

It has been what felt likes millions of years, was only five months. Beginning with the discrimination against who I am, and ending for so thought, with lies upon lies. You would see me in the halls, pain free, happy as can be. However, deep down inside that massive lie was all my anger, deception against those who did not know my story. I had lost everything I cared about. Anything that was of love would vanish in moments to befall out of sight. So I feared loving anything again will just be another failure. I, though, am not crying soul, but a hard cold-stone. I feared nothing, but the fear of losing what I most cherished petrified me. You would think I haven't seen it all, but I have seen death. Just about five months ago, I lost someone who defined me. Someone who granted me every reason to live in this deceiving world, and granted me every reason to smile. I forgot what it felt like to smile. I forgot how to care for who I am. I forgot how to cry, how to love, and how to breathe. You would think as you saw me walking down the halls, that I had everything. I have everything in forms that can be replaced, but not forms can be recreated. If you knew me, you knew that I lost myself in September. When I was told she would never open her beautiful brown eyes, never smile, never speak her precious words. That night, you could hear my screams down the halls, my screams of disbelief, and my tears of agony. I had puddles of teardrops on the table; all I wanted was to be able to hear her say my name once more. Her voice was so sweet, so soft, as if her sound was a note of a beautiful lullaby. Once it was all over, I could no longer breathe, I grew more and more heartless as minutes passed. Days later, I would be up before sunrise to watch her go. I sat at her bedside holding her now cold, lifeless hand. The doctors removed all machines from her fading body. A prayer was said; I looked down at her picturing her smiling. Everyone began to cry, and I sat there motionless, expressionless, and utterly heartless. Moments later, she no longer lived on this earth. She was now another angel watching over me. A kiss on the forehead good-bye. That night a part of me died with her.

My friends would walk up to me in comfort, with condolences; people I never met did the same. I ask though, that they save their apologies. Apologies never made a difference for me; they never brought back what I've lost. I was ghost, pale, and lifeless. I missed having her near. As if I could ever feel again. Every time I tried to bring myself back to life. Something, someone would tarnish it at the seams. I hated being in the mix of hate, and love. It was like a rollercoaster. With that, everywhere I turned love, and hate appeared. One night I dreamed of her, I was riding a bike down a few familiar roads and suddenly I was on the floor of an unknown environment. Doors busted open, in seconds I saw her standing there with a smile on her face. It felt so real, as I ran to her to hold her. I realized I was on the ground again. It stopped. It was over, it was torture to see her, and not have a willing chance to tell her everything I felt. It was as if fate was laughing a grand laugh in my face. I was too blind to see it.