Just a little something I came up with
I wish I never meet you
It has been eight months now since I first stepped foot in that place and six months since I last saw HER the one that changed me the one that had faith and believed in me I felt like I had known her all my life but in reality I had only known her for two months.
Those two months were the best days of my life considering what was happening to us in that school it took me exactly a whole minute to fall in love with her?
From the first moment I laid eyes on her I knew something was there I just dint realise it in time nor did I realise what it was
You see I never had love in my life not even from my family maybe if they showed me what love is maybe i would of figured it out faster I wouldn't go as far as to say I would of told her but all I know now is I wish I never meet her because maybe just maybe I wouldn't give a fuck anymore
Right now you're trying to figure out why right? Why I wish I never meet her? It's simple really you above all should know the reason why but I'll tell you to save time she made me feel wanted needed she made me feel like I had purpose in life more importantly she made me feel human
You already know we dint get along at the beginning but it was all me it was my fault I kept tap dancing on her last nerve with my temper and attitude towards everything. Did I tell you she got beaten because of me because I broke the rules but I dint have the guts to own up to it? Of Couse she knew I wouldn't have the guts at admit it was me
I tried to keep my promise to her I promised id watch her back that dint turn out quite as planed
How do I feel about that? Isn't it obvious to you? That's the thing with us you ask stupid questions I give you unrealistic answers but to answer your question I wish it was me not her
Well looks like were out of time I'm not sure I'll be here next week
You will be since you've been coming here you have said the same thing every week
One day maybe I'll be able to keep my promises
I'm sure you will I'll see you next week Mara
Like I said I may not be here
You will be here because I'm the only one that will listen to you
Yeah you listen but you don't believe me right?
I grab my jacket and leave the building and make my way over to my car putting up a little fight with the driver's side door it finally opens I get in and start the engine putting my head on the wheel I take a few deep breaths and sit back up reaching for a smoke and taking a long drag I release the hand break and push down on the Accelerator and pull out the car park.
The rest of my morning is spent getting high and drunk in my sorry excuse of a flat that consists of two rooms one is my bedroom come living room slash kitchen and the other is my bathroom it's a good size of let's say shorter people like the smuffs.
After rolling another joint I walk over to my mini fridge kicking empty bottles and cans across the floor and pull out my last bottle of cheap vodka along with last night's left overs I got from the old lady that lives above me.
Siting back down on my sofa I finish of the left over and wash it down with the vodka cringing as the cheap vodka slides down my throat the voices in my head are getting louder and louder nagging me yelling screaming it don't stop ever.
jumping from my sofa I grab my joint vodka and car keys and head of the door every day I've done the same thing and every day I haven't gotten far the most I managed was getting to my car and that was it.
Making it to the front of the building I stand and look at my shity car taking a deep breath I walk to the car and get in putting the vodka in the back seat I bring my hands up and rub my face before starting the car before I've had time to gather my thoughts or change my mind I'm half way down the street heading towards the place I've been telling myself to go to for the past few months.
the rest of the drive is a blur as if I was on autopilot or something relighting what's left of my joint that I don't remember smoking I slow down seeing the big grey gates and Wight stone drive keeping my eyes straight ahead trying not to notice people stood crying at their loved ones graves I drive a little bit longer before pulling up doting out the end of the joint I reach in to the back and pull out my vodka and take a deep swig before turning of the engine.
Slowly getting out of the car vodka in hand I look around and close my eyes hearing nothing but birds and the fain cries of people I open my eyes and start walking I don't know how I knew to get here or how I know where she is but I'm here and I'm going to her. After a shout walk I stop take a deep breath and nod my head stepping on the grass I take a few more steps and I'm here I stand still at the foot of her grave reading the grave stone I notice there's no flowers well just really dead ones no one's been here in a long time walking around making sure not to step on her I sit down my back lent against the grave looking up at the blue sky a tear rolls down my cheek
Hey Alex, Alexis its funny I never pictured your full name to be Alexis I always thought it would be Alexandra or something like that Alexis Louise garrison, I like it. It suits you I'm sorry I dint come sooner it's just I wasn't ready I don't think I'm still ready but I'm here now so that's something right? be it I'm not on this planet right now but if I was sober then I wouldn't be here there's a lot I need to say and I hope your lessening.
I miss you I miss arguing with you I miss been close to you I miss everything about you and I miss everything about me.
I was messed up when I came to you I had nothing going for me no family no home the only thing I knew was pain and suffering the only way I knew was my way protect yourself save yourself you see that's what I've done my whole life I had to fend for myself I never had to care about anyone I was treat like shit every day of my life.
Then I meet you guys and something changed I know very cliché but its true I kind of liked you guys a lot and I know I pissed you off a hell of a lot but that was just me trying to keep from caring about you because I did err still do really.
I just wish we would of meet defiantly I don't know at a bar somewhere or something very normal I wish we had more time I wish I could of healed you I wish I woke up sooner I relive it every time I close my eyes but there's always a big blank space like I'm missing something and I don't know what it is.
I do things differently every time but it's always the same I never wake up sooner I never heal you
"You want to know something the thing is I fell in love with you, I guess that's why it's so hard for me to let you go and coming here means I need to let you go but I can Alex I won't ever let you go"
"I'm sorry I dint keep my promise I'm sorry I dint do a lot of things and I'm sorry I dint realise it sooner because you deserved to know how I felt even if you dint feel the same it wouldn't of mattered to me as long as I was near you that's all I needed because I love you But I hate you also because of what you made me feel you made me feel important needed wanted you made me feel safe I felt safe with you."
I stand up and stretch a little I reach a hand in my shirt and putt my dog tags over my head placing then one the grass in front of the stone I look up to the sky and see it turning dark then look back down to the grave tears rolling freely down my face
"You want to know the one thing I wish more than anything in this world Alex I wish I never meet you because maybe I wouldn't feel so empty and lost and maybe I'd have my heart still but I gave it willingly to you and I think for the first time in my life I did something right for once."