A/N: I would like you all to know that I have been working on this story for 4 weeks, since just a few days after the finale. It is the longest oneshot I have ever written BY FAR. It just kept coming. I could've split this up into chapters, but I probably never would've finished it if I had.
So basically, I hope you all enjoy this because I worked REALLY hard on it.
Sarah vs. Her Past and Her Future
She asks him to tell her their story. She wants to remember. She feels like she owes him.
He loves her. She's sure of that.
But she doesn't remember. She doesn't remember their life together, their wedding, falling in love with him.
He tells her their story. She listens as he recounts the details of their lives together—sometimes laughing, other times crying.
When he's done, he tells her his friend Morgan's theory—maybe if they kiss, she'll remember, just like in a Disney movie, which she can honestly say she's seen very few of.
It seems like a bizarre idea, but maybe it will work. She looks into his eyes and tells him to kiss her, and he does.
There's a rush as their lips meet, but it's not memories. She feels something stir inside of her and her stomach begins to flip flop. It's a weird feeling; she can't place it.
She doesn't think she loves him. Not yet, at least. Maybe one day she will fall in love with him, just like the old Sarah Walker did. She hopes that one day she can love the way he loves her.
For now, though, she's not ready.
They pull away from their kiss and a silence ensues.
"I'm sorry," Sarah speaks, noting that her voice sounds startlingly loud against the soft harmony of the wind and the sea.
Chuck frowns, but nods. Sarah sees that he has something to say, but is hesitant about voicing it.
"I'm not going to stop fighting for you," he says eventually.
"I know," Sarah replies, placing her hand on top of Chuck's. "I don't want you to. I feel something for you, Chuck. I don't really understand it, but something is there. I want to be the woman you fell in love with, but I need time."
He nods again and then lifts Sarah's hand that was placed on his own to his lips.
Chuck stands to leave, looking down at his wife as he does so. "Can I at least give you a ride somewhere?"
Sarah shakes her head. "I think I'll be fine," she responds, staring out into the ocean once again. She turns to look at him and smiles. "Thank you."
She doesn't just mean for the offer. It's an all-encompassing 'thank you': thank you for telling me our story; thank you for respecting my need for time; thank you for loving me.
Chuck's mouth forms a straight line, somewhere in between a forced smile and a frown. His eyes linger as he turns and begins to walk away.
She watches him leave, and just when he's about to leave her line of sight, she begins to feel an uneasiness in her stomach. It's an actual physical ache.
She wonders if it's possible to be made sick over watching someone leave—someone your body knows but your brain does not.
Sarah sighs as she gets up and begins to leave the beach.
• • •
Sarah spends the next two days alone in her apartment, sick to her stomach off and on throughout the day. She barely eats, and what she does mostly ends up coming back up anyway.
Chuck calls once the first day but she doesn't pick up. He calls again the next day and, since she's feeling relatively decent for the moment, she decides to answer.
"Hello, Chuck," she responded, her voice a bit hoarse from not using it for so long.
"Hey, Sarah!" he greets, perhaps a little too eagerly. His voice lowers as he realizes how desperate he sounds. "I was wondering if I could take you out on a date," Chuck continues hesitantly.
Sarah smiles at Chuck's nervousness. "I really would like to, Chuck, but I haven't been feeling well."
She can almost hear Chuck frowning on the other end of the line. "How about I come to you?"
She's been thinking of him for days, and she can't deny that she wants to see him again. She thinks that she might feel well enough for a night in with him, so she agrees.
Half an hour later, he's at her door, a pizza box in hand. "Vegetarian, no olives." She half smiles at how well he knows her (even though that also serves as a reminder how little she remembers about him), but pales and begins to choke at the smell as he lifts the lid of the box.
She sprints into the bathroom, losing the contents of her stomach. Chuck follows her, setting the pizza down on his way.
She barely notices as he grabs her hair to hold it back. She should feel uncomfortable being so vulnerable in front of him since she doesn't even know him that well, but she is feeling too sick to care.
Chuck suddenly remembers an incident similar to this one just over a month ago. It had turned out to be a false alarm that time, but could that happen twice?
When she's feeling better, she sits up and wipes her mouth with toilet paper before getting up to brush her teeth.
Chuck stays on the floor, leaning against the bathroom cabinets, thinking. He realizes it's been about two and a half weeks since they were on the Bullet Train in Japan, doing a little bit of 'practicing' for the family they had been discussing.
It seems like a lifetime ago.
Now Chuck has gone pale. Sarah stares down at the adorable nerd that is sitting motionlessly on the floor.
"It seems odd to ask you this since I'm the one who was just throwing up, but are you okay?" Sarah questions.
Chuck sighs heavily, bringing his eyes up to meet Sarah's. He stands to his feet so he can see her more easily before speaking. "I think you might be pregnant."
She shakes her head vehemently. She's not pregnant. She can't be pregnant.
Chuck takes a step toward her, trying to put a hand on her shoulder, but she backs away, avoiding his touch.
"I'm not pregnant, Chuck," she states firmly.
"How do you know? Sarah—" Chuck begins, but she cuts him off, placing her hand on his chest to lightly push him out of her bathroom.
"No, Chuck. I'm not pregnant." She grabs his shoulder and spins him around, pushing him towards the door. "I'm just feeling sick, okay? I changed my mind. I want to be alone tonight."
Sarah opens the door and waits for Chuck to leave, but he merely stares at her. Since he refuses to move, she turns around and grabs the pizza box, making sure the lid is closed, and shoves it in his hands.
"Please, Chuck. Just go."
"I'm sorry, Sarah. I didn't mean to upset you," he apologizes, turning and sulking away.
She closes the door forcefully and curls up in the chair by the window.
No, she's not pregnant. There's no way.
• • •
She tries to push Chuck's words out of her mind, but they continue to reel in the back of her mind.
I think you might be pregnant.
She thinks about when she had her last period, but she honestly doesn't know. Her memory doesn't go back that far.
Chuck would know better than she would if it was possible.
But it can't be true. Sarah Walker does not want kids. Not the Sarah Walker she knows herself as, at least. But even if this new Sarah Walker, the one who's in love with Chuck, did, she doesn't really exist anymore.
It isn't until she wakes up for the fourth morning in a row feeling nauseous that she finally decides to consider what Chuck said.
She takes a quick shower that actually helps her feel a little less sick and throws on the simplest outfit she can find. She heads down to the drug store on the corner, quickly making her purchase and turning back for home.
As she sits in the bathroom nervously awaiting the result, a memory hits her suddenly.
Sarah sat on the edge of the bathtub in a blue-tiled bathroom. Chuck was right beside her holding a pregnancy test.
"Sarah, I'm sorry I didn't exactly pick up on your signals," Chuck apologized.
"No, I'm sorry. I should've just told you. It just felt like if I said it out loud, it would suddenly become real."
"It's changing! It's changing, it's changing!" Chuck cried as he stared at the test in his hands. "What is that, an equal sign, an arrow?"
"A peace sign? Is that an option?" Sarah shuffled around to find the instructions that included the key for the symbols. "Uh…uh, okay, that means no. I'm not pregnant."
Sarah takes a deep breath as she remembers that moment. They had been relieved that she wasn't pregnant then. She hopes this test will have the same outcome as the last.
The timer she set on her phone goes off and Sarah takes a deep breath. She reaches to grab the test and looks at the result. There is no equal sign, no arrow, no peace sign. Instead, Sarah sees the word 'pregnant.'
She bites her lip hard. This can't be happening.
All she can think of is how angry she is. She's angry at Nicholas Quinn for stealing her life. At least if he had never taken away her memories, she'd be with a happy and supportive husband finding out she's pregnant. They would be excited.
But now she's having a baby and she barely even knows the man whose baby it is.
And dammit, she's not ready for this. The Sarah Walker that Quinn has created is not in a place emotionally to be okay with having kids. She hasn't gotten over her fear of commitment the way the old Sarah Walker apparently has. She hasn't gotten over her fear of letting her emotions show.
That's why she doesn't cry when she sees the result on the pregnancy test.
She just wishes Nicholas Quinn was still alive so she could kill him again. He took everything from her and now she's supposed to bring a child into the world that she doesn't even have any memory of creating—or ever wanting.
Sarah angrily tosses the test into the trash can and begins to think about what she is going to do.
• • •
She shows up at Chuck's doorstep later that day. She hasn't had a whole lot of time to think, and she's really not sure about what she plans to do, but she has the odd desire to talk to someone.
It's strange because normally Sarah would deal with her problems on her own. It must be the piece of Chuck's Sarah still left inside of her that is controlling her when she decides to go to Chuck.
When he opens the door, his face lights up. He hasn't talked to her since she kicked him out of her apartment.
"Sarah! I didn't know you were coming!" They stand for a moment in the doorway, an awkward silence filling the air. "Oh, come in, come in!"
Sarah follows Chuck into the apartment. "Uh, sorry for just showing up like this," she apologizes, noticing that the living room is pretty messy. "I just really needed to talk to you."
Chuck freezes just as he begins to move some of the clutter out of the way so they can sit on the couch. She thinks he knows what she's going to tell him. He was the one who told her about it, after all. She's just going to be confirming it.
He moves enough to finish clearing off the couch then gestures for her to take a seat as he does so himself.
"You were right," Sarah speaks, "I'm pregnant." She bites her lip in anticipation of his reaction. He loves her. This shouldn't be as big of a deal for him as it is for her.
Chuck's eyes go wide. He suspected it, of course, but he had no idea how overwhelming it would be to actually hear it said. "You took a test?" he manages, surprised by how nervous his own voice sounds.
Sarah nods. Her stomach is churning and she's having trouble gauging Chuck's reaction. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I took the test this morning and I've been thinking about it ever since, but I'm no closer to knowing what to do. I just thought I should come here and tell you since it is apparently yours."
"Wait, wait, what do you mean what you're going to do? We're going to have a baby! That's what we're going to do!" Chuck exclaims, feeling uneasy about Sarah's words.
"That's one option," Sarah shrugs, glancing toward Chuck.
He stares at her afraid to hear the answer to his next question. "What's the other?"
"I could get an abortion," she mutters, avoiding his gaze.
"What? Sarah, you can't—"
"Chuck, I barely even know you. I'm already struggling as I'm trying to get all my memories back, and this is just going to make it more difficult. How are we supposed to have a baby when I don't even remember my life with you? Your Sarah may have wanted this, but I don't, and right now, not having this baby at all is looking like a pretty tempting option!"
"Please, Sarah," Chuck begs, and the desperation in his voice almost makes Sarah change her mind. "Please don't. We can do this together." Sarah opened her mouth to speak, but Chuck stopped her. "Hold on for just a minute."
Chuck gets up and rushes into his bedroom, returning fairly quickly with what looks like a folded up page from a magazine. He unfolds the paper and reveals a sketch of a man and a woman holding a baby in front of a house with a picket fence.
Sarah can hear Chuck's voice, but can't tell what he's saying as she suddenly begins to zone out and a memory hits her.
She and Chuck sat in the little bed cubby on the Bullet Train in Japan. She was wearing a sexy red bra while Chuck had on a white tank top. Their legs were bent upward, slightly covered by the thin sheets.
"Now the picket fence," Sarah reminded as Chuck sketched the picture of them in the Japanese magazine. Chuck quickly added the fence with a smile. "See, haven't forgotten anything."
"Mm, mm…perhaps," Chuck began, continuing to draw, "this little man—or woman…someday." A baby then lay in the crook of sketch-Sarah's arm. Real Sarah smiled and Chuck smirked.
"Someday," she beamed.
"Sarah?" Chuck asks, waving his hand in front of her face. "Are you okay?"
Her eyes focus on his face and she nods. "I remember when you drew that," she whispers, staring at the simple drawing. "I remember wanting this."
Chuck holds his breath, not completely sure what it means for now.
"You're right, Chuck," Sarah continues. "You always are. I can't have an abortion. I realize after seeing that picture that having a family with you is something I wanted, and I can't give that opportunity up."
Chuck quickly wraps his arms around Sarah's thin figure. "Oh, thank God, Sarah. You have no idea how much I want this. Thank you." He pulls away and looks into Sarah's eyes. "I know you're scared and confused, but I'm going to help you remember. Ellie says you just need to be exposed to things that used to be a major part of your life, and you'll probably start remembering, just like with that picture."
"Thank you, Chuck," she says with a smile.
She can clearly see why she fell in love with him at this moment, and she can also see that she's starting to fall in love with him again. Maybe this baby will bring us together in a way that will help me remember our life together, Sarah thinks. It seems to be causing me to remember things already.
"Can I touch your stomach?" Chuck questions hesitantly. The eager look in his amazing hazel eyes is what makes her agree, even though the idea feels kind of strange. "Our baby is in there, Sarah."
Hearing the awe in Chuck's voice, Sarah smiles. For the first time since Chuck mentioned she could be pregnant, she actually feels something akin to excitement.
• • •
Chuck insists on taking her on a date. She is hesitant, but knows that she's going to be spending a lot of time with him now that they're having a baby together, so she might as well get used to it.
He doesn't have any structured plans for the night. He lets her pick, since his go-to pizza option was apparently a source of nausea in her pregnant state.
She decides that she wants Chinese, and Chuck's face lights up. He seems to have an idea.
They drive to the restaurant. It's quiet for the most part, but Chuck tries to fill the air with small talk. It dies out quickly, though, and they end up back in silence.
Sarah finally speaks up. "I made a doctor's appointment," she starts, not entirely sure where she's going with this topic.
His ears perk up at the mention. He cautiously treads forward, not wanting to overstep her boundaries. "Oh yeah?"
"It's on Tuesday," she responds, "if you want to come."
He has trouble keeping his eyes on the road during this conversation, but he allows himself a quick glance to his right to look at Sarah. She's not looking toward him. In fact, her head is turned the opposite way, watching the scenery outside the window.
"Do you want me to come?" he asks, bringing his eyes back to the road.
"Yeah!" she replies quickly, but Chuck isn't convinced. "I mean, it's your baby too," she continues.
He can hear the uneasiness in her voice, but he desperately wants to be there. His eyes move to look toward Sarah once again and he sees her watching him, biting her lip, waiting for his reaction.
He smiles softly at the sight of her. "I'd love to go to your appointment with you, Sarah."
She smiles back at him and leans a bit further back into her seat.
Silence fills the car again until they reach the restaurant.
As they go in, Sarah notices Chuck looking at her expectantly. She can tell he wants her to remember something.
After they are seated, Chuck explains the significance. "This is where we had our first real date. Not for our cover, not for a mission, but a real date."
"How did it go?" Sarah asks with a smile as she pours herself some tea from the kettle.
"Not well, actually," Chuck admits. "Just as we were about to kiss, I flashed and realized we were surrounding by a bunch of bad guys. This big hulking guy tried to take us, but then Casey crashed his Crown Vic through that window over there to rescue us." Chuck points to the aforementioned window and laughs. "He said this really cheesy line, like something from a movie: 'Did someone order drive-thru?'"
Sarah laughs too; she never thought she would get along, yet alone be friends, with John Casey. Then again, she also never expected to be married and pregnant or doing any of the things that Chuck's Sarah did.
"So even though our first date here went badly, you still bring me back?" she questions.
"Hey, I figured it can only be uphill from there! And look how nicely they fixed the window. You would never know there was once a Crown Victoria sitting in this very spot."
Sarah rolls her eyes as she sips her tea, but on the inside, she can't help but smile. This nerd that she's married to has such a crazy, but completely charming, personality. It's starting to become to her no wonder that she fell in love with him before, because although she knows she doesn't love him (at least not yet), she does feel almost like a schoolgirl with a crush.
The date doesn't bring back any memories, which surprises her, but she doesn't need a memory to tell her one thing: Sarah Walker is falling for Chuck Bartowski once again.
• • •
She sits in a flimsy paper gown in a cold, pale room of the hospital. Chuck is in an uncomfortable chair to the left of the bed, his foot tapping nervously on the cold linoleum floor. It's been a month since she found out she's pregnant, and today is the first day they get to have an ultrasound.
"Chuck," Sarah speaks, turning her attention to him.
His eyes pop up to look at Sarah. "Hm?"
"Your foot, Chuck. Can you stop tapping it?"
"Oh," he says, glancing at his feet. "Sorry, I'm just nervous."
Sarah nods. "I am too," she agrees.
Many more of her memories have come back in the last month, but she still is missing major chunks of her life. She's more comfortable with the idea of having this baby now. She's more open to showing her emotions than she was just weeks ago. She remembers their first kiss when they thought they were going to die and opening her heart to Chuck at the train station in Prague and him not running away with her, but she also remembers him proposing in a hospital hallway and their days of 'quitting the spy life' on the train through Europe.
She still has trouble being as open as the old Sarah Walker was, but she is on her way to being more comfortable. Chuck makes her comfortable.
"We get to see our baby," Chuck whispers, smiling at Sarah and pulling her from her thoughts. She can't help but smile back at his enthusiasm.
Their doctor comes into the room and their heads immediately turn, ready to see their baby on the ultrasound.
"Hello, Sarah, Chuck," Dr. Hart greets, pulling the ultrasound machine out to prepare it. "How are you two doing today?"
"We're great, Doctor," Chuck speaks enthusiastically.
As Dr. Hart begins the ultrasound, Chuck stands next to Sarah, her hand in his. A new memory, of another time in the hospital, hits her.
She was lying in a bath of ice, her eyes barely open, but they somehow found Chuck's face. His hand held hers gently.
"Chuck?" she whispered hoarsely.
He put his other hand to her forehead. "Hey, hey, baby. I'm right here."
"You look worried," she noted concernedly, not understanding what was going on.
"No, no, just wedding stuff," Chuck promised.
Her eyelids drooped. "Don't freak out. We're ready for it."
Chuck notices the look on her face and mistakes it for worry over the baby. She's not even sure what her expression is because this memory gives her conflicting feelings of comfort and sadness, but she does know that it brings a smile to her face when Chuck tells her, "Don't freak out."
She thinks this must be a thing between them, an on-going gag, because she's noticed that Chuck says it more often than he probably thinks.
She smiles at him as if to say 'I'm fine,' and then turns to the ultrasound screen. She's blown away when she sees the black and white blob. She can make out the shape of a head that is proportionally gigantic seeming for a human, but apparently the correct size for a fetus, and the feet.
Neither she nor Chuck can form words. She glances slyly at Chuck to see his face is completely lit up. Although she can't remember her own past, it's moments like these, forming new memories with Chuck, that make this whole struggle seem like it might just be worth it.
• • •
Sarah is frustrated. She's eleven weeks pregnant and she's starting to notice a curve to her stomach. She's always been stick thin, so even just this small change is startling to her.
But the frustrating part is how overprotective Chuck is being. Yes, he's the father of her baby, but she feels suffocated with him around all the time.
She still isn't used to being so dependent on another person. She's Sarah Walker; she's been on her own since she was 17. Sarah Walker does not rely on other people. It's scary to her to put so much in the trust of someone else.
But what is scarier is that soon there will be someone who is completely dependent on her. Well, her and Chuck. What does she know about babies? Okay, there was the baby on that one mission, but that was a temporary thing. She won't just be able to hand this baby over to someone else to take care of.
She feels a mix of emotions—frustration, fear, and somehow even a bit of excitement that she doesn't particularly understand how it's there—and begins to cry. She blames the hormones. She hates how emotional they make her. No longer is she dealing with morning sickness, but now the hormones are starting to kick in and she's been crying all the time.
She hears a knock at the door and groans. She drags herself off her bed, cradling her stomach subconsciously.
Sarah opens the door and is not at all surprised to find Chuck standing there. She frowns. "Is it not possible for me to get any alone time?" Her voice comes out as a sort of bark.
Chuck looks taken aback as he listens to Sarah's greeting. "Sorry," Chuck responds softly. "I wanted to talk to you about something. Something I've been thinking about for a while."
Sighing, she holds the door further open. "Fine, come in."
Chuck sits in one of the green tufted chairs by the window and Sarah follows him to sit in its counterpart. "I think you should move in with me."
Her body tenses as she hears his words. Move in?
"Chuck, I don't—"
He cuts her off, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. "Look, Sarah, I know this is a really big step, but I had a dream that I had missed all the important moments in our baby's life, from the first kick to the first steps. I don't want to miss out on those things. I don't want to miss anything," he begs.
"I don't know, Chuck. Sometimes I feel crowded now, even though I have my own place. Won't it just be worse if we live together?"
"I promise not to crowd you, Sarah. We'll sleep in separate bedrooms and we don't even necessarily need to have meals together. I just want to be close in case something significant happens."
"I'll think about it, Chuck," she relents, surprising herself that she didn't just shoot down the idea entirely. "I'm just not sure if I'm ready."
"I won't pressure you," he promises and she believes him, but it's not something he does purposely. He comes to see her because he's Chuck, and that's just how he is, but it makes her feel pressured to give him something in return. She knows he doesn't mean to do it, and probably doesn't even realize he is, but it's happening and she thinks she needs a bit of space.
She leans forward and kisses his cheek softly, her lips lingering for an extra few seconds. Her hand starts on his shoulder but slowly moves down closer to his elbow, then his wrist.
Chuck closes his eyes as he takes in the feeling. Opening them once again, he looks to Sarah, pulling his wrist out of her hand and instead letting her grasp his hand. "I'll give you your alone time," he tells her softly. "Bye, Sarah."
Her head drops. She can't bear to watch him leave, even though he's giving her the alone time that she was so sure she craved.
She's not really sure what to do once Chuck leaves. To be honest, she hasn't been sure what to do with her time ever since her memories have been lost.
So much of her life had been devoted to the CIA that she forgot what it was like to have any free time. Now she has an excess of it.
She's realized by this time that television is rather boring, especially daytime television, so she rules out that option.
As she feels like she does every day, she climbs back into bed and stares at the ceiling. She can't say there's an actual sensation she feels, but something draws her eyes to her slight bump.
Sarah lifts up the bottom hem of her shirt, revealing her still incredibly toned stomach. She can't help but stare at the gentle curvature, still having trouble believing that she is really, truly having a baby.
Placing her hands on either side of her stomach, Sarah begins to run her thumbs up and down the smooth surface.
"Hey, baby," she speaks softly, almost embarrassed about speaking to someone who surely can't hear or understand her. "You're only about six months away from being born, now," she tells the baby, despite knowing there will be no reaction whatsoever. "I'm scared."
It's strange to her that she said those words. She can't remember a time in her life where she had uttered the words 'I'm scared,' except for maybe when she was a little girl helping her dad pull a con. Perhaps it was a piece of the Sarah Bartowski that is in her, or maybe it's the hormones, but she finds that she's truly surprised by herself.
Sarah moves her hand so her palm is now covering the majority of her firm stomach. She gives it a little push as if she is expecting something in return, but she's not far enough along for there to be a kick or even any fluttering for her to feel.
"I don't know what to do," she continues softly as she mindlessly rubs her abdomen. "Your daddy loves me so much. He loves you too. That's why I'm so conflicted." A tear begins to stream down her face. "I'm sorry we're bringing you into this fucked up situation. I wish I could remember. I don't even remember conceiving you, but I love you too, in case you didn't know that. I want to do what's best for you, but I also need to do what's best for me. How do I find the balance?"
Sarah squeezes her eyes shut, letting out a few more tears, before she opens them and sits up from her bed. As her eyes open, she notices a picture frame on the table by the door that hadn't been there before. Chuck must've had it with him, and she had been so distracted by his request that she hadn't even noticed.
She stands to go examine the photo. In the photo, she and Chuck were standing in front of a background of a tree covered hill and blue skies. Chuck had his arms wrapped around her stomach, his head leaning against her own. She held on to his arms as they lay across her torso. Both of them had the most genuine smiles on their faces that she'd ever seen.
As she stares at the photo, she realizes there is a memory attached to it. The memory is fuzzy, and she can't quite grasp it.
She stares longer at it, but the remembrance doesn't come. Not until later that night when she closes her eyes and falls into a dream state.
"What's this?" Chuck asked, holding up the photo after he pulled it from the suitcase.
"Uh, that's just something I like to keep in my suitcase at all times. Whether I'm in Portugal, or Russia, or…Burbank. It makes me feel comfortable…safe," she said with a shrug as she returned the photo to its rightful place in her suitcase. "Look, I know that it's probably taken me longer than a normal girl, but you should know that you're my home, Chuck. You always have been."
As Sarah awakens from her dream, she is aware of the dampness of her face. She reaches up to wipe away the tears.
She's overwhelmed with the need to talk to Chuck. She knows now that she's not at home unless she's with him. She thinks maybe this is what love is, but no—it's too soon. She can't possibly love Chuck yet. It's merely the connection between the two of them that remains embedded in her brain.
Sarah grabs her cell phone off her nightstand and dials Chuck's number, not even noticing that it is 4:47 in the morning.
"Sarah, are you all right? Is it the baby? Is the baby okay?" Chuck answers frantically, and Sarah becomes aware of exactly how late (or early, depending on how you look at it) it is.
Her voice is shaky, which makes Chuck nervous, but hearing the words that end up coming out of her mouth comforts him. "Yeah, Chuck, I'm fine and so is the baby," she assures him. "I saw the photo you left in my apartment, and I couldn't figure out the significance at first, but then I dreamt it. I remember it now. I told you that you are my home and you always have been."
There's a pause as each waits for the other to speak. "What are you saying, Sarah?" Chuck asks hopefully.
"I want to move in with you," Sarah responds quietly. "I don't fully understand it, but there's this pang in my heart saying 'you belong there,' even though my brain is saying 'you barely know him!'" Sarah sighs and gives a slight smile. "I guess my heart is winning this one."
• • •
Sarah lies on the couch, her feet resting across Chuck's lap. He massages them as they watch mindless television, not really paying that much attention.
Sarah is now 18 weeks pregnant, almost half way through her pregnancy. It is definitely visible at this point that she is pregnant, and Chuck loves it—she does not.
The extra weight is killing her feet and causing her ankles to swell.
"There has got to be some way to make this less uncomfortable. You hear all the crap about labor, but people don't really tell you how horrible the actual pregnancy part can be," Sarah groans as she feels a spasm in her lower back as well.
"Maybe you should talk to your mom. She's been through this before; maybe she can help."
"My mom?" Sarah questions. The last she remembers of her mom is entrusting her with the baby from her mission more than five years, although it actually is one of her most recent memories, aside from the few she has remembered with Chuck.
"Oh, yeah," Chuck replies, as if he overlooked the fact that she wouldn't remember anything that had happened to reestablish her relationship with her mom, "not long before you lost your memories, you finally managed to take down Kieran Ryker, which meant you were able to be in contact with your mom and Molly again."
"Molly? Is that her name? Is that the baby's name?" Chuck nods. "Why didn't you tell me about my mom before?"
Shrugging, Chuck answers, "For so long I knew nothing about her, and I knew her so briefly that I had completely forgot about the option of you contacting her for help. She doesn't even know that you lost your memories, come to think of it."
Sarah bites her lip. "Maybe you should call her and ask her to come over so we can talk," she suggests nervously. She never thought she would get to talk to her mother again or see 'the baby' again, but now, what seems like only months later, they can. She regrets that she can't remember their reunion, but she also likes that, this way, she doesn't have to go through five years of not having contact with them.
Chuck does as Sarah asks and calls Emma to have her come over. Emma promptly agrees, saying she has nothing better to do than head straight over.
As Chuck and Sarah are waiting, Sarah feels a weird sensation in her stomach. Chuck notices the confusion on her face.
"Is everything all right?" he asks concernedly.
She nods but doesn't say anything; she just continues to stare at her stomach until she feels the sensation again.
"Chuck, I can feel it moving."
His eyes widen and he smiles largely. "The baby's moving?"
Sarah nods, tears filling her eyes. "This is really happening. I can still hardly grasp it."
Chuck grins as he places his hand on Sarah's stomach. Unfortunately for him, it's merely a fluttering that can only be felt from inside, yet his heart is beating profusely from the idea that his and Sarah's baby is moving around in there. He can't believe it's actually real.
They sit in a comfortable silence for the next few minutes until the doorbell rings. Molly is in school, so it's just Emma when she arrives.
"Emma," Chuck greets as he opens the door. "Can I talk to you for a moment before you go inside?"
"Of course, Chuck," she responds politely, allowing room for Chuck to step out onto the doorstep.
"Listen, I know it's been a few months since we talked last. Things have been really crazy, which is what I need to tell you about." Chuck pauses, watching as Emma gazes back at him curiously. "A couple of months ago, Sarah lost about five years' worth of memories. She didn't remember meeting me, or falling in love with me, or marrying me, or anything in between." Emma gasps and puts her hand up to her mouth. "So we've been dealing with that," Chuck continues. "But on top of all of that, and trying to help her regain her memories, Sarah's pregnant."
"She's pregnant?" Emma breathes. "So has she remembered your relationship then?"
"Ah, no," Chuck corrects, "the baby was, uh, well…it happened before she lost her memories. I'm still trying to help her piece together all the aspects of her life and our life together."
Emma nods, taking in the array of information she has just been given. "So she doesn't remember reuniting with me?"
Chuck shakes his head. "No, but I explained to her the gist of what happened. She asked to have you come so that you two could talk about pregnancy and symptoms and stuff like that, since we figured, you know, you've been through it before."
"Absolutely!" Emma exclaims, throwing her hands up. "I've been waiting for this ever since I saw you two with Molly. I knew it wouldn't be far behind for you two; I just wish it were under different circumstances."
Chuck nods understandingly as he opens the front door and he and Emma walk into the living room where Sarah is lying on the couch.
Sarah's face lights up as she sees her mother. "Mom!" she cries, attempting to stand up.
She doesn't get very far when her mother stops her. "No, you sit down. You should get as much rest as you possibly can. Any extra minute that you can sit down, the better." Emma makes her way to Sarah and wraps her arms around her daughter's rounded body.
"I can't believe you're pregnant."
"Trust me, neither can I," Sarah laments.
"How far along are you? Do you know the gender?"
"I'm 18 weeks," Sarah responds, placing her hands atop her belly. "We get to find out the gender in about two weeks."
"Wow, so I'm going to be a grandma in less than five months. I bet Molly will be excited to have a little niece or nephew."
"I still can't believe you're here and that Molly is okay. Leaving her with you is one of the last things I remember. How old is she now?" asks Sarah.
"She'll be six in three weeks. Actually, it's good that we got to see each other today because Molly really liked you two and wanted to make sure you would come to her birthday party."
Sarah looks to Chuck, silently asking him if he wants to go. He nods firmly, as if saying 'of course!' "We'd love to go," she answers with a smile.
Despite the craziness of everything that is happening in her life, Sarah thinks this is the most she's ever smiled. She doesn't remember Bryce ever making her smile the way Chuck does. She doesn't remember ever feeling so happy or loved.
• • •
This time it's Sarah that's nervous. She's got that thin paper gown on again, and she's sitting on the edge of the table, her legs swinging back and forth, occasionally hitting the base of the table.
"Hey, hey, Sarah," Chuck coos, "calm down. You're going to bruise yourself if you keep doing that."
Sarah takes a deep breath as she looks to Chuck. "What if it's a girl? I don't know anything about Barbies or princesses. How could I have a daughter?"
"It could be a boy," Chuck suggests with a shrug.
"You're right." Sarah pauses, thinking about the implications of that statement. "But we don't know anything about sports. What if our son wants to play baseball? Do you know anything about baseball?"
"No, I don't. But Sarah, it doesn't matter if we have a boy or a girl, because girls can like baseball and boys can like Barbies. No matter what, there are going to be situations that we don't know things about. I can say, however, that I do know a thing or two about princesses. Princess Leia, for example," Chuck responds with a smirk.
"Princess Leia? Is that a Disney princess I don't know about?" she questions, raising her eyebrows. "Is it from a movie you've watched with your niece?"
"No, Sarah," Chuck replies with a laugh as he is reminded once again that Sarah is going to have to relearn all of his references. "Princess Leia is from Star Wars. Hey, if it's a girl, we should name her Leia! It would fit with the list of names you had for boys, which all started with the letter L."
"I had a list of baby names?" Sarah asks incredulously. "Why would I do that?"
Chuck shrugs. "The last time you thought you were pregnant, you told me that you had been kind of hoping that you were. I got out of bed one morning and saw that you were making a list of baby names."
"I thought we were relieved when I wasn't pregnant. I remember being relieved."
"A little, at first," Chuck answers, "but we both knew we were going to have kids one day, and thinking for that short period of time that you could've been pregnant got us thinking that…hey, why not sooner rather than later?"
Sarah half smiles. She wonders if they expected their someday to come this soon. Probably not.
The doctor knocks on the door and enters, setting up the ultrasound machine. It's not their usual doctor because Dr. Hart had to attend to another patient who was in labor.
"Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Bartowski. Are you two excited to find out the gender of the little bun in your oven?"
The overly cheery voice paired with the cheesy language makes Sarah wish for a moment that she had knives strapped to her thigh like she used to, but Sarah forces a smile and nods.
"Alrighty then, let's get started!"
Sarah reaches for Chuck's hand as the cold gel is squirted onto her stomach. She feels comfort in being held by Chuck, something she wouldn't have expected to feel four months ago.
"Here's your baby," the doctor says, pointing at the screen.
They've seen their baby before, but the further along she is in her pregnancy, the more the baby actually begins to look like a human being rather than an alien. She can clearly make out their baby's head and its tiny little nose and sees that it seems to be sucking on its thumb.
The doctor looks at the scale on the screen and calculates the size. "Your baby is a little over 6 ½ inches long right now, which is just slightly above average. That makes sense, though, as both Mommy and Daddy are quite tall," she explains with a smile. "Now let's see if we can get a look at your baby's genitals to see what you're having." She moves the wand slightly to the side to focus on a different region of the baby's body. "Congratulations, you've got a little boy in there."
The doctor gets a snapshot of the baby to print out and then leaves Chuck and Sarah alone to discuss their child.
"We're going to have a son," Chuck breathes out. Suddenly it feels so real.
"A son," Sarah repeats, and a memory hits her. It's not much of a scene. She's just sitting in front of a laptop making a list of names.
She isn't sure why this brings back that memory; Chuck had just told her about that list and she hadn't remembered, but now that she knows she's having a son, the names came to her.
"I like the name Liam," Sarah speaks quietly.
"Liam? Wait, wasn't that—that was on your list of names that you had made," Chuck clarifies.
Nodding, Sarah responds, "Yeah, it was. I remember the list. I don't remember much about making the list, but I remember the list itself. I think Liam would be a good name for our son. Liam Bartowski."
Chuck smiles. He knew their relationship was completely strange and probably unprecedented, so he hadn't been sure whose name she would want the baby to take. He can't even describe the happiness this makes him feel. "It's perfect."
• • •
"Officially none of my clothes fit," Sarah groans as she stands in front of her closet. "Even my clothes that have spandex won't stretch to fit me anymore!"
There's nobody actually in the room that she's talking to, she's just letting out her frustrations by yelling.
"I'm so fat!" she cries before hearing someone in the doorway behind her. She spins around defensively, ready to pull her gun—that is, if she still carried one. As she spins, her foot gets caught in one of the articles of clothing that she had discarded on the floor and she begins to fall to the ground.
It's almost in slow motion the way her body falls and he catches her before she can go all the way down. As she floats a few feet from the ground, she notices the face hovering over hers: it's Chuck.
"Chuck Bartowski," Morgan whispered, softly crying, "do you take this woman to be your…uh, lawfully wedded wife?"
Chuck smiled, never looking away from Sarah's face, and replied with a firm "I do."
"And do you take this man—"
Sarah cut him off, not wanting to waste any time. "I do."
"Okay," Morgan replied, his voice shaking from tears. "Well, by the power vested in me by the Intergalactic Federation of Planets, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
For just a moment, Chuck paused, taking in the beauty of his now wife. He then leaned in, taking Sarah's face in his hands, and kissed her passionately. Then, after a few moments, he took her by the shoulder and waist and dipped her, planting a kiss on her neck.
"Did I startle you?"
"What?" Sarah asks coming out of the memory, a smile loosely painted on her lips. Chuck helps her back up carefully, which she can tell is harder for him now than at her wedding, as she wasn't six months pregnant then. Her heart sinks a bit when he doesn't kiss her; part of her expected him to completely recreate the memory she had just been reminded of, but she realizes that he's still playing by her rules, making sure not to push her further than she's ready for.
"You turned around awfully quickly there. I didn't mean to scare you," Chuck clarifies, following Sarah as she takes a seat at the foot of her bed.
"No, no," Sarah insists, "I wasn't scared. I just didn't realize you were home."
"I just walked in the door and heard you screaming, so I thought I would come check on you to see what the problem is. I didn't realize I'd find you half naked and falling head over heels for me," Chuck laughs.
Sarah frowns, looking down at her stomach which was bare, as she was wearing nothing but a bra and panties. "My clothes don't fit," she explains, crinkling her nose in disgust.
"We could go get you some new clothes," he suggests, his eyebrows rising in curiosity of her reply.
"You know what I'd rather do?" Sarah purrs as she realizes how close she is to him. She's read that it's about this time that many pregnant women start becoming very easily aroused. She thinks that's part of it, but also, since that memory of her and Chuck's wedding, all she wants to do is kiss him.
"Uh, wh-what's that?" Chuck stutters as Sarah leans closer to him. He knows he shouldn't feel nervous because, after all, this is his wife, but up to this point, they've had very little physical contact, and she currently looks like she's about to jump him.
Sarah doesn't answer, but instead kisses Chuck, and she remembers how amazing it is. "Chuck, I remember our wedding."
"You do?" Chuck asks happily. "That's amazing!"
"Yeah, but you know what else would be amazing? If you kissed me like you did that day."
If he was in a clearer state of mind, maybe Chuck would think to refuse, but it has been far too long since he's properly kissed his wife, and he wants nothing more at that moment than to obey her request.
• • •
Sarah remembers Ellie a lot more now than she used to. She remembers being a bridesmaid at Ellie's wedding and Ellie helping her plan her and Chuck's wedding. Sarah remembers that even though they originally met through Chuck, Ellie was one of her best friends.
So when Chuck tells Sarah that Devon, Ellie, and Clara are coming to Burbank for a few days to visit, she's actually pretty excited. Especially because it hasn't been long since Ellie was pregnant, unlike Sarah's mom, and she could really use some girl talk about it.
It's been about six months since the Woodcomb family moved to Chicago, and they miss their family, and with Sarah being so close to her third trimester, they figured Chuck and Sarah weren't really in a position to travel to them.
The Woodcombs' flight comes in at 7:45 AM, so Chuck goes to pick them up alone. They aren't staying with Chuck and Sarah because there isn't enough room, but they can't check in to their hotel for a few more hours anyway, so they don't go straight there.
It's nearly 8:30 by the time they arrive at the Bartowski apartment, and Sarah is already awake waiting for them.
The family shares hellos and embraces before sitting down on the couch to chat about the happenings of the last six months.
"Sarah, I still can't believe you're pregnant! You look amazing, by the way," Ellie begins, gesturing to Sarah's stomach.
"Oh, thank you, but I really don't feel like I look that great at all. I've officially transitioned to maternity clothes, and that alone makes me feel huge. Compared to how I'm used to my body being, this is a ridiculous amount of weight."
"Nonsense, you've got great curves. You look so great because you were skinny before," Ellie insists. "Now, tell me about your memory. Chuck says you've been remembering quite a bit."
Sarah nods, smiling as she takes Chuck's hand. "Yeah, I'm still missing a lot, but many of what Chuck makes out as the major moments have come back. I finally remembered our wedding about two weeks ago."
Although Devon's specialty is not the brain, he understands the magnitude of the progress that Sarah is making. "That's awesome!" he exclaims in his signature fashion. "So how do the memories come back to you?"
"It varies," Sarah answers, glancing toward Chuck, who has started to rub her stomach. "Sometimes a similar situation triggers the memories, like when Chuck caught me as I was falling, the similarity to the dip he did at our wedding brought back that memory. They're almost a mix between a flash of memory and a daydream because it seems to happen so quickly, but then I come to and I realize much more time has passed than I thought," she explains. Biting her lip, she continues. "Other times they come to me as dreams. At first it was hard to tell which were actual dreams and which were memories, but I recognize the sense of familiarity now."
"I am so impressed by how much you've managed to recover, Sarah. Although, you've always been extraordinary, so it doesn't really surprise me that much," Ellie comments.
Sarah blushes but then smiles at the compliment before noticing Clara trying to reach under the couch right below Sarah's feet. She can't say she remembers much about Clara, but she's only a year and a half old, so there wasn't much time that the two interacted. However, she's her niece, and she's going to be having a baby in less than three months, so she should get used to the idea of a kid being around.
"Hey, Clara," Sarah says to the toddler who is currently on her hands and knees trying to reach whatever's below Sarah's spot on the couch.
Clara's head rises at the recognition of her name, but the person speaking it is unfamiliar, so she turns to her mother to ask. "Momma?"
"That's your Aunt Sarah," Ellie tells her daughter.
Clara looks back to her aunt and then continues fishing for what's under the couch.
"What do you see down there, munchkin?" Chuck asks his niece. He climbs down off the couch to get on Clara's level.
"Ball," she answers as she points.
"There's a ball under there? Well, let Uncle Chuck get it for you." Reaching his arm underneath, Chuck pulls out a large rubber bouncy ball, plenty large enough for Clara to play with without the possibility of her putting it in her mouth and choking. Chuck then sits on the floor a few feet away from her, his legs spread apart. "Okay, throw it to me."
Clara chucks the ball at her uncle who barely manages to catch it without getting nailed in the face. He then softly throws it back to her, laughing as she drops it and has to chase it around the floor, all the while giggling.
As Sarah watches Chuck with Clara, she is so glad that he is the father of her baby because she knows he will be a fantastic dad.
• • •
Sarah's seven months pregnant, and as her due date approaches, she is becoming more and more anxious. She keeps having nightmares: the CIA makes her reenlist and she goes off into the field and dies, leaving her baby without his mother. Or someone she had arrested in the past gets free and uses her son as bait.
Tonight Sarah wakes up in a cold sweat, terrified that someone named Shaw is going to take her baby. She doesn't know who Shaw is, but he feels real. It rattles her, and she can't go back to sleep, so she crawls out of bed and slips into Chuck's room.
"Chuck?" she whispers, her voice quivering.
He stirs quickly. "Sarah? Is everything all right?"
"I had a nightmare and I don't want to be alone," she admits, feeling more vulnerable than ever before in her life.
Chuck smiles softly, pulling back the corner of the comforter to allow Sarah to climb in the bed.
"Thanks." She nestles her body right up against Chuck's and manages to fall asleep almost immediately.
She wakes up some time later from a dream that shook her, but was not all bad.
She remembers Paris. Despite how hazy it all is, she's sure it is a memory, not a dream. She remembers Chuck shooting Shaw, who she is now sure was not some mythical bad guy created solely for her nightmares. He was real and he tried to kill her.
More than once, she also becomes aware of.
She was sitting in her bed in Paris with Chuck, reveling in the fact that he saved her life, but then her dream cuts out to another scene.
She was in Castle and she watched Chuck on the monitor as be took on Shaw once again, this time right in the middle of the Buy More.
He risked his life for her. He, along with Ellie and Morgan, saved her life once again.
She slowly comes out of the dream, feeling somewhere between grateful and terrified.
Remembering two of your own near-death experiences, both at the hands of the same man (who was supposed to be dead), is entirely unsettling.
Sarah's eyes flutter open. She turns from her left side, facing away from Chuck, onto her right side so she can see his face. It's a slow turn because it's not easy to navigate with her seven month pregnant stomach, but eventually she's lying so she is looking right into Chuck's face.
She leans in a little closer until she is just centimeters away from him, and then puts her lips on his. The pressure of the kiss wakes Chuck up and at first he is confused.
Sarah pulls her face away from Chuck's, but places her palm on his cheek. "You saved me," she whispers.
"What?" Chuck asks, still groggy and trying to determine what is going on.
"You saved me from Shaw—twice," she clarifies, tears beginning to fall down her face.
He becomes more alert when she says that, now that he's aware that she's apparently remembered an important part of their history.
"Oh, yeah…yeah, I did," he answers, even though it wasn't a question.
Her soft cries turn into sobs as she holds his face, staring into his hazel eyes.
This reminds her of another similar moment, what seems like an important moment as far as establishing vulnerability went.
"Chuck, please. Chuck, I love you. Please wake up. I have so much that I want to tell you. I found your proposal plan," she sobbed as she held Chuck's face in her hands. Every part of her hurt as she begged him to wake up and remember her. She described the plan, hoping to convince him that she was real and worth waking up for.
"Chuck, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't care if you have the Intersect or not. Without you, I'm nobody; I'm nothing but a spy." The tears tasted salty on her lips, but she didn't care. "Come back to me, Chuck. I want to marry you."
She then kissed him in the most passionate, desperate way possible, hoping it would work. His eyes opened and she let out a massive sob. "Chuck!" He sat up as he realized what was going on and kissed Sarah back.
As they finished their kiss, Sarah held Chuck's face and just stared at him for a few moments, crying from the happiness that her Chuck was back. Then she wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into the crook of his neck.
"Sarah?" Chuck asks, concerned about why she is crying.
"Chuck, I love you," Sarah tells him.
His face lights up. "You do?" It's been so long since he's heard her say those words that he wants to make sure that his brain is not making it up.
"I think I've loved you for a few months now, but it all just seemed so fast; I didn't want to admit it to myself. I was scared, but I don't want to hide from those feelings anymore. I don't want to sleep in the other room or have meals separately. I want to be with you, Chuck. I love you more than even I can understand."
Chuck reciprocates Sarah's hold on him by taking her face in his hands and kissing her back. "Oh, god, Sarah, you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that after all this time."
Sarah begins to pull Chuck's shirt over his head before continuing to cover his lips with her own.
"Sarah, can we do this? With you being…you know?" Chuck asks hesitantly, not wanting to hurt her or the baby.
"I'll be fine, so will he; the doctor said it's perfectly fine to do this while I'm pregnant, Chuck, and I literally do not remember the last time I had sex. Please, I want this—I want you—so badly."
She's right, the doctor did say it's okay, and he wants it as much as she does, so it doesn't take him long to agree to her request.
It's a slightly awkward first for Sarah with Chuck trying to navigate around her enlarged stomach, but it is passionate nonetheless. When they eventually tire, Chuck's arm is wrapped around Sarah's torso, her body pulled right up against his own, and just as he's drifting off to sleep, he feels a strong kick from their son. He and Sarah fall asleep with gentle smiles on their faces.
• • •
Sarah's in the shower when she first feels it. She doesn't really give it much thought; he just must be kicking harder than normal. The first few barely even hurt and they're extremely spread out.
About two hours later, however, she is watching Grey's Anatomy and feels it again, but this time it doesn't feel like a kick. It hurts much more and it seems to last longer than a short kick does.
It takes her a few moments to realize it—her due date isn't for another six days—, but once she figures it out, it's blaringly obvious.
She manages to find her cell phone in the cushions of the couch and call Chuck.
"Hey, Sarah," he greets cheerfully. "How are my favorite people doing?"
"He's coming, Chuck," she tells him nervously, feeling suddenly terrified. There's no way she's ready to be a mother! "I'm in labor."
"You're in labor? But you're not due for nearly a week!"
"Well, tell that to your son because it looks like he's coming now," Sarah says sarcastically.
"I'll be there in ten minutes," Chuck promises.
It takes him eight and almost immediately they are out the door on their way to the hospital.
They are both surprised at how long the labor process takes. Eleven hours later, at 10:14 PM, their son finally makes his way into the world.
As soon as the doctors wipe him clean, Sarah immediately reaches to take her son into her arms. Staring down at him, she realizes that she's never been so proud of anything before in her life.
"That's our son," Chuck whispers, mesmerized. He reaches out his hand but only uses his middle finger to softly caress the cheek of the beautiful baby.
"He's amazing," Sarah breathes out, unable to take her eyes off him. "So we've decided on Liam, right?"
"Yeah, Liam. But he needs a middle name," Chuck mentions. "I would suggest my father's name, but Liam Stephen just doesn't have a great flow to it."
"That's all right; this way he can have his own name. What do you think of the name James?"
Chuck takes his son's hand between his pointer finger and thumb as he tests the name. "Liam James Bartowski. I like it."
Sarah smiles as she brings Liam's head closer to her mouth so she can plant a gentle kiss on his head of soft, medium brown hair.
"Liam James Bartowski. Hi, Liam; I'm your mom."
• • •
Sarah hasn't regained very many memories in the last few months; she seems to have reached a standstill. However, she is certain she has all the most important memories back—those that remind her why she loves Chuck.
She also recognizes that, while her old memories were probably pretty good, at least she and Chuck, and now Liam, are making some fantastic new ones. She doesn't necessarily need those old memories.
She's not quite the same person she used to be before she lost her memory and she's most certainly not the same person she was before she met Chuck, but Sarah's pretty certain that the person she is now—no longer a spy, but rather a wife and a mother—is much better.
A/N: Okay, that was a kind of cheesy ending, but it was actually less cheesy than I expected it to turn out. Hope you all enjoyed this!
Oh, and I asked on tumblr whether people imagined Chuck & Sarah having a boy or a girl first, and most people said girl (and as I think about it, I imagine them having a girl first too), but then I remembered Sarah's list of names, and they were all boy names and I wanted to use one of those names. So, sorry if you wanted a girl!