I do not own Bleach, any of the characters, or any of the settings.

Okay, for all my Bleach peeps…this was not what I originally planned to write, but I decided I needed to get it out of my head. For my OHSHC peeps who are probably not reading this, but in case you are…sorry. I know I said I would continue the birthday story next. Anyways, I was told that my last couple of Bleach stories were depressing by someone who needs not be named because they know who they are (so this is light and non depressing just for said person above) …so this one is funny and smutty. What more could you want. Now, enjoy and don't forget to review and tell me in a polite, professional way how I did.


Yumichika had just about had enough of her foolishness for one day. He rolls his violet eyes as she grabs Ikkaku's arm and squeals some high pitched nonsense. She was so very annoying and Yumichika couldn't watch another minute of it. He lets out an irritated sigh as he leaves the living room and walks toward the bedroom he and Ikkaku shared at the Asano residence. He closes the door behind him and sits on the bed with his arms crossed angrily over his chest. He just couldn't understand why Ikkaku would put up with such obnoxious behavior from a stupid, ugly girl in the living world. Before the fifth seat can think anymore on the matter, the bedroom door opens to reveal the man in question, Ikkaku Madarame.

"You okay, Yumi? Why are you going to bed so early?" Ikkaku walks farther into bedroom and shuts the door behind him.

Yumichika stands up from the bed and begins changing into his pajama's, "Oh, did you actually notice that I was gone? I thought that foolish girl had all your undivided attention."

A small smirk appears on the third seat's face, but Yumichika doesn't notice as he pulls the pajama shirt down over his head, "Is that what you've been so moody about here lately?"

The dark haired man gives his best friend a confused look as he pulls his pants down to replace them with the pajama bottoms, "What does that mean? I haven't been moody."

"You've been huffing and puffing and rolling your eyes for the past week. You've been going to bed two or three hours ahead of me and when I come to the room you still aren't asleep." A very wide grin spreads across Ikkaku's face, "I didn't know what it all meant before today, but now I know it's because you're jealous of Mizuho."

Yumichika lets out a derisive laugh at Ikkaku's conclusion, "Jealous? What on Earth or Soul Society could she possibly have that I would be jealous of?" The bald man begins to respond, but Yumichika holds up a hand halting his response, "I'm more beautiful than she will ever be, not to mention smarter, more refined, and she is just a little high school girl whereas I am a fully grown man. I have no reason to be jealous of her."

The fifth seat turns away from Ikkaku signifying that the conversation is over, but the bald man is having so much fun antagonizing his best friend that he continues talking, "If it isn't jealousy then what do you call it whenever you get angry because Mizuho hugs me or grabs my arm or when she whispers something in my ear and all but jumps in my lap because she's so happy to see me?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Ikkaku." The black haired man turns around to face Ikkaku again with a perturbed look on his face, "I'm not jealous, I'm confused as to why you've let her ridiculous behavior go on so long. If you're not interested in her then you shouldn't lead her on like that. Not to mention, it's embarrassing for you both for that girl to cling to you like a monkey."

The third seat gives his best friend a look of mock understanding and answers with a hint of condescension in his voice, "Oh, so you were only concerned for her well being. All this time I thought it was because you wanted to be the one hugging and clinging to me and whispering in my ear or sitting in my lap, but in actuality you were looking out for her feelings. How very noble of you."

"You're being an ass, Ikkaku." Yumichika crosses his arms over his chest, "Not to mention you're being ridiculous."

Ikkaku smiles at his friend's agitated expression, "You know, I wouldn't mind if it were you hugging me, clinging to me, whispering things in my ear, and sitting in my lap…especially, the lap sitting part."

The usually unflappable fifth seat's cheeks begins to turn red at Ikkaku's statement, but the bald man doesn't mention it, "What's gotten into you, Ikkaku? You're talking crazy."

Ikkaku decides to let the conversation die and only shrugs, "Forget I said anything. I'm going to bed." Before the bald man can move an inch to get on the extra futon laid out for him, Yumichika flash steps across the small bedroom and pins Ikkaku's arms to the wall. The third seat notices the determined gleam in Yumichika's eyes and doesn't even try to free himself from his friend's grasp.

"Don't you dare try and go to bed without finishing what you've started." Without warning the smaller man crushes his lips roughly against the startled third seat's soft lips. The kiss lasts only a few seconds before Yumichika pulls away not giving Ikkaku much time to interact with his friend's eager lips.

"What are you doing? I thought you said I was being ridiculous and crazy." Ikkaku stares into Yumichika's lust-filled violet eyes with confusion and excitement apparent in his own eyes.

Yumichika's lips turn up into a naughty smirk, "You are being ridiculous in thinking that I want to do childish things like hug you and whisper in your ear. I'm not a child like her, I'm fully grown and I like to grown up things." The fifth seat licks his lips slowly causing a shiver to run up Ikkaku's spine, "I can do things to your body that she doesn't even know exists and my tongue is so talented that it can make you forget who you are, and I don't want to whisper…" A perverted smile spreads across the fifth seat's face, "Oh, no I definitely don't want to whisper. I want everyone to hear every single moan, grunt, gasp, and scream that comes out of my mouth and then we'll see who's the more jealous in the morning. I assure you it won't be me. How does that make you feel?"

Ikkaku manages to free one of his hands and uses it to guide Yumichika's hand lower, "Why don't you feel for yourself, Yumi?" He places Yumichika's hand firmly against his crotch making the black haired shinigami feel the hard bulge underneath his friend's pants, "Now, what kind of 'grown up' things did you have in mind?"

Yumichika strokes Ikkaku's erection through the fabric of his pants causing the bald man to groan with appreciation. The fifth seat smiles at this reaction as he informs Ikkaku just how he wants to spend their night together, "I want you so deep inside me that I can't tell where my body ends and your body begins."

Yumichika releases Ikkaku's other wrist as the bald man captures his lips in another fierce kiss, determined to make up for the failed participation in the last kiss. As their mouths slide against the other, Yumichika continues his firm strokes against Ikkaku's clothed hard on causing the third seat to moan against Yumichika's hungry lips allowing the smaller man's tongue the chance to plunge into the bald Soul Reaper's eager mouth. At that moment, Ikkaku realizes that his best friend hadn't been exaggerating at all when he'd mentioned how talented his tongue was and his mind automatically begins to drift to other places that he would love for that talented tongue to migrate to. Suddenly, Yumichika pulls his mouth and his hand away from Ikkaku.

The fifth seat notices the disappointed expression on Ikkaku's face from his departure, but Yumichika was quickly growing tired of only kissing and groping, "Are we just going to make out like a couple of middle school kids behind the building or are you going to fuck me?"

"Impatient much?" Ikkaku smirks at his obviously very horny best friend, but Yumichika ignores the third seat's smirk as he whisks the terribly ugly shirt that Mizuho made for Ikkaku off his body and throws it across the bedroom.

Yumichika brings his mouth to Ikkaku's throat and kisses his way down the bald man's neck and chest, "Why…wouldn't I…be impatient…to claim you?" Ikkaku attempts to respond, but his words catch in his throat as Yumichika gets down on his knees and begins unbuttoning the third seat's now too tight pants.

Once the pants are unbuttoned the dark haired man grabs the zipper with his teeth and pulls it down slowly revealing that not only was Ikkaku not wearing any underwear, but the fact that he was more than a little bit hot and bothered. Yumichika smiles as he flicks his tongue out to lap up the salty fluid that had already begun to drip from his best friend's swollen tip. The fifth seat teases the tip and the slit with his tongue before pulling away with the sound of Ikkaku's pleasure in his ears, "Mmm, I didn't realize you were already this excited."

Ikkaku clenches his fists into a ball to keep from grabbing Yumichika's head and forcing his friend's warm, wet mouth down around his throbbing cock as he rests the back of his head against the wall behind him, "Hurry, Yumi."

"And, you called me impatient." He grabs the belt loops of Ikkaku's open pants and roughly jerks them down to the third seat's ankles, "I'd better make you real wet because otherwise I don't think it will all fit inside me." Ikkaku's member twitches at this statement making the fifth seat feel very proud of himself.

Finally, Ikkaku feels Yumichika's moist lips wrap around the engorged head of his cock and he lets out a relieved sigh as the fifth seat bobs up and down Ikkaku's length, "Oh gods, Yumi…your mouth feels…so good!" As Yumichika begins twisting his tongue around Ikkaku's thick shaft on the way down, licking the underside on the way back up, and sucking quite forcefully on the head once he'd made it back up to the tip only to start the whole process over, Ikkaku thought he was going to shoot his load right there, but he couldn't cum this soon…he wouldn't let himself cum this soon. The bald man places his hands on either side of Yumichika's face to stop him from bobbing down again and pulls the fifth seat's mouth away from his cock.

Yumichika looks up with confusion apparent on his very sweaty, but still beautiful face, "What's wrong? I haven't gotten to the best part yet."

Ikkaku looks away from Yumichika's face, embarrassed to admit that he was only seconds away from blowing his load all over that pretty face, "If you don't stop I won't make it to the best part."

An amused expression appears on Yumichika's face. "Oh…I told you my tongue was talented."

Ikkaku ignores this redundant statement as he pulls Yumichika up from the floor by his shoulders, "You're wearing too many clothes." Just as the third seat reaches for Yumichika's shirt, the dark haired Soul Reaper wiggles away from him and out of his reach, "Yumichika, what are you doing?"

An evil grin springs to the fifth seat's face, "Maybe, I want to strip for you." He gives Ikkaku a wink as he begins slowly pulling the pajama bottoms down. The third seat doesn't complain and kicks his own pants away from around his ankles. Yumichika manages to get the pajama pants off sexier than anyone should be able to and begins taking the pajama shirt off just as sexy if not sexier in Ikkaku's opinion. Finally, Yumichika is standing in nothing but his underwear making the bald shinigami wish he'd just get naked so they could get to the good stuff.

"Hurry up, Yumi…I can't take it anymore." It takes all of Ikkaku's willpower not to jerk himself off to the strip show he's just witnessed.

"Calm down, Ikkaku. You'll get to have me in a minute." Yumichika gives him a playful wink as he prances to the bedside table and opens the drawer to retrieve a small bottle. He closes the drawer and throws the bottle at Ikkaku who manages to catch it.

Ikkaku looks at the bottle in his hands, "What is this?"

"Don't be stupid, you know what that is?" The fifth seat hooks his thumbs into the waist band of his underwear and quickly pulls them down revealing that he is just as turned on as Ikkaku.

"Why do you have this?"

Yumichika walks toward Ikkaku with a perplexed expression on his face, "Because, we're going to need it, dummy." He presses his lithe body against Ikkaku's and feels the heat radiating from his friend's naked skin.

"But, how did you…" A look of realization flashes across the third seat's face, "Did you plan this?"

Yumichika nuzzles his face in the crook of Ikkaku's neck, "Let's not discuss the little details right now."

"But…" His sentence is cut short by Yumichika's index fingers pushing against his lips.

"Shhh, you're ruining the mood." He thrusts his hips to Ikkaku's grinding their erections together making the bald man forget his next question with a sigh of enjoyment. The dark haired man brings his lips to Ikkaku's ear, "I can't wait for you to fill me up." He nibbles on the third seat's ear lobe and is rewarded with a lustful growl.

Ikkaku grabs Yumichika's shoulders and spins him around until the dark haired man's back is against the wall with his lips pressed firmly against Yumichika's lips. The fifth seat opens his mouth without any prompting to allow Ikkaku's tongue entrance and as the kiss continues, Yumichika puts his arms around his best friend's neck and wraps his long legs around the said friend's toned waist. The kiss ends as Ikkaku opens the bottle of lube and coats his fingers with it. He holds Yumichika with one hand and uses the wall to help keep his friend from falling as he slowly pushes the index finger of his free hand into the very snug, very hot opening of his lover.

He hears an uncomfortable whine escape Yumichika's mouth as well as feel the fifth seat's slender finger's grip his neck more tightly, "Another, Ikkaku…just get this part over with."

Ikkaku nods and does as he's told as he inserts a second finger into his friend as gently as possible and begins pumping them in and out to the sound of Yumichika's anxious breathing. As the third seat continues stretching his friend's tight entrance with his fingers he feels Yumichika's legs tighten slightly around his waist followed by a soft sigh of pleasure, "Feeling better, Yumi?"

Ikkaku adds a third finger feeling Yumichika's teeth sink into his shoulder immediately after as well as feel the fifth seat begin to rock against his fingers, "That's enough, Ikkaku. I need to cum so bad."

Ikkaku would never tell Yumichika how much he loved to hear the desperation in his best friend's voice, never tell him how much it turned him on, "I can't wait to fuck that tight ass of yours." The third seat pulls his fingers out slowly and reaches for the lube he'd smartly nestled between their bodies. He lifts Yumichika a little higher on his waist as he pours some of the bottle's content in his hand, lubing his length and throwing the bottle to the floor.

The fifth seat loosens his grip around Ikkaku's waist as the bald man positions Yumichika's ass over his pulsing cock. He helps guide his beautiful friend down around the head of his erection until Yumichika is as far down the third seat's cock as he can go without Ikkaku thrusting. Yumichika's fingers dig into his friend's shoulder as the fifth seat lets out an urgent request, "Do it, Ikkaku! Fuck me hard!"

With the words Ikkaku had been waiting to hear, he thrusts into the wonderfully hot opening of his best friend as said best friend's back presses flush against the wall, "Oh, that feels so…perfect!"

With Ikkaku's statement, Yumichika retightens his grip as the third seat continues to fuck him against the wall, "Oh, yes…harder…deeper!" The fifth seat pushes himself down as far as he can from his position and is trying to be as loud as possible making sure to wake Mizuho up.

Ikkaku didn't need Yumichika to tell him what to do as he thrusts harder and faster into his friend, pulling Yumichika farther down his cock using the hand he'd placed on Yumichika's hip. When the third seat realizes he can't find the spot he's looking for in their current position, he lifts Yumichika away from the wall never leaving his body as he places the fifth seat's back on the bedroom floor.

While pumping into Yumichika from this new angle it doesn't take long for the smaller man's back to arch, "Right there! There…again, Ikkaku!"

They continue their very rough and noisy love making with Ikkaku hitting Yumichika's spot dead on with each frantic snap of his hips, "I-I'm…so close! I'm…gonna cum!"

Yumichika squeezes his eyes shut, "Say my name…when you…cum!" With Ikkaku's pin point slams against Yumichika's most sensitive spot, the fifth seat cums violently without ever having his own cock touched other than the occasional rub from Ikkaku's torso, "Yes, Ikkaku! That's it!"

The bald man thrusts his hips a few more times into his lover's clenching walls and shoots his load into the convulsing man beneath him with a loud exclamation, "Yumichika…fuck! You're so…amazing!"

Ikkaku falls against Yumichika's now wet chest and the two men lie together on the floor as they come down from their orgasmic high. When Ikkaku pulls out to lie beside Yumichika the fifth seat lets out a satiated sigh as he turns his head to address the sweaty man beside him, "You know that girl will cling to you even more after tonight, don't you?"

Ikkaku nods, "Yeah, but it's worth it." The two shinigami are quiet for a long time before Ikkaku speaks again, "I don't have any romantic feelings for Mizuho. She is just a high school girl…a child."

Yumichika lets out a sigh, "Then why do you let her touch you and fawn all over you all the time?"

"For the same reason, because she's a kid." The bald man puts his hands behind his head, "She's a kid that doesn't know the difference in being infatuated or being in love. I didn't see any reason to hurt her feelings considering she let us stay here for free…her feelings will be hurt when we go back to Soul Society anyway." Ikkaku pauses waiting for Yumichika's response, but when the fifth seat doesn't speak he continues, "I don't care about anyone the way I care about you. I love you."

Yumichika gives Ikkaku a smile as he moves closer to his friend to snuggle against him, "I know that."

Ikkaku's eyebrows come together in confusion, "If you know, then why did you get so upset?"

"Because…" Yumichika's face turns pink from embarrassment, "As much as I denied it, I was jealous. I know that's silly, but even though I know you love me, I need to hear it once in a while." The fifth seat frowns, "I'm a bit ashamed now. You probably think I'm petty."

"I don't think you're petty. I just think you're possessive…which I find very fucking sexy."

Yumichika lifts his head to look at Ikkaku, "Oh, really? Then perhaps I'll need to mark you as mine this time."

"This time? You ready to go again already?" He notices the lascivious gleam in Yumichika's eyes and knew the answer before he asked the question.

Yumichika nods, "Of course." The fifth seat straddles Ikkaku's body, "Aren't you?"

Ikkaku smiles, "Always."

As the two men begin round two in their room, Mizuho bursts into Keigo's bedroom without knocking and flips the light on not caring if he was asleep or not, "Are you watching porn again?"

Keigo sits up and stares at his older sister with irritation obvious on his face, "No, and if I was wouldn't it be a little awkward for you to come in here and turn the light on?"

Mizuho ignores his question as she walks farther into the room, "Then what is all that noise?"

Keigo points to the wall separating his room from the room housing the two shinigami, "Sounds like them?"

"Are they watching porn?"

A look of embarrassment passes across Keigo's features, "Well, actually…I think that…that maybe they're making the porn."

Mizuho crosses the room in less than a second and grabs her younger brother up by the lapel, "WHAT? How could you say that about my Ikkaku?"

Before Keigo can defend his accusation, the brother and sister hear some pretty convincing evidence in the sound of Ikkaku's voice, "Oh, that feels…so good! Tell everyone…I…I belong…to you!"

Not long after they hear a response in the sound of Yumichika's voice, "You belong…to me…(moan)…you belong to me…Ikkaku!"

Mizuho lets go of Keigo's lapel as both their faces turn bright red. She looks at her brother with as calm of composure as she can possibly manage, "That's not real. They're just making those noise to play a joke on us. They just want to see if we'll fall for their fake sex trick."

Keigo gives her a look of disbelief, "You really believe that?"

She grabs him up by his shirt again, "Are you saying I'm wrong?"

He gulps loudly and gives up, "No."

They hear Yumichika's voice again, "I'm almost…there! D-don't…stop!"

Keigo doesn't say anything considering he didn't want to be abused anymore and Mizuho finally heads for the door, "I'm going to bed and you had better not mention this to them tomorrow!" She leaves the room and slams the door before Keigo can argue…not that he would.

The next day, Mizuho and Keigo are in the dining room waiting for Ikkaku and Yumichika to join them. When they hear the bedroom door open they expect the two house guests to appear any minute, but instead they hear the bathroom door close and the shower come on…they also hear a few noises of round three going on.

Keigo begins eating trying to ignore the noises, but finding it difficult not to comment, "They must be really horny." Mizuho shoots him a threatening glare, "I mean…they're really milking this joke."

When the two men finally make it to the dining room they're both still damp from the shower as they sit down. Ikkaku is the first to speak, "I didn't think you two would be awake so early on the weekend."

A smirk appears on Keigo's face, "It's like noon." Mizuho gives him another glare, "Well, it is."

Ikkaku begins eating, "I hadn't noticed."

Mizuho begins speaking before Keigo can make anymore comments, "So, how did the two of you sleep last night?"

Ikkaku shrugs, "Fine."

Yumichika shakes his head, "Ikkaku! You know it was too hot in there. I had to get naked." The fifth seat pulls his hair away from his neck revealing a purple bruise.

Ikkaku nods, "Oh, yeah, Yumichika's right. It was hot in there. I had to get naked too."

Mizuho notices a purple bruise peeking out of Ikkaku's shirt collar as well and tries to keep from choking, "Well, what was all that noise I heard?"

Ikkaku gives her a confused look, "What do you mean?"

Yumichika and Keigo keep their comments to themselves as they wait for Mizuho's next question, "You know…all that…shouting."

"Oh, you heard that?" Ikkaku takes a long drink from his glass before continuing, "Me and Yumi were just playing game…he won."

Yumichika gives her a sickly sweet smile, "And, you'll find out that I always win."

Before Mizuho can respond, Ikkaku and Yumichika stand up, "Well, I hate to eat and run, but me and Yumi gotta meet up with some people today."

As the two Soul Reaper's begin to leave the dining room, Ikkaku smacks Yumichika's ass right in front of the Asano siblings, "Ikkaku! Not in front of the children."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

Once the members of Squad Eleven leave the house Keigo voices his opinion, "They so did it."

Needless to say, he finds his face smashed into his lunch with a drink dumped over his head.

The End.

Started: 2/27/2012

Finished: 3/4/2012


Okay, that's another story under my belt. Hope you all liked it. I know I've written better, but this one wasn't supposed to be long and serious so it'll be okay. Once again, let me know what you thought. As always, Love Ya!

P.S. My cousin suggested that I name this story "Bitch! Get Your Hands Off Of My Man!"