. { p e r f e c t i o n ; } . chapter one ; n o t h i n g n e s s of l i e s

; i n f o r m a t i o n ; ; Kirsche is a hand-made Realian, with a hatred for herself and hides away as a human under the name Rhaine as a Mechanic on the Elsa. But one person sees past her fooling; Albedo. And he wants her in his possession.

; c o m m e n t s ; ; really crappy story & chapter. i'm sick at the moment *yays* so i wrote this x3 i'm trying to get back into the nack of kirschwasser fanfics, and yes i know naming the main character Kirsche isn't very creative but ask lazarus why and you'll find out! anyway. uhm. enjoy?

Sometimes I doubt the path I chose. Sometimes my dreams feel all on hold. There's no doubt that this will make me strong 'cause it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
Despite this cruel world and all my best efforts, you surprise me with just how perfect you are. Even with all my flaws and my bad examples you surprise me with just how perfect you are. And when I'm lost you search for me and when I doubt you're my belief. I'm supposed to be the stronger one; you always seem to prove the theory wrong. Still I hold my breath each time you go . . . . Out in a world that's beyond my control . . . If you are dreaming I never want to wake you up.

[Halou ; Honeythief]

Sometimes I questioned what I was running from half of the time. My future, my fate; even myself as a whole, was more than unavoidable. It was something that I could never change nor would I know how to. When I was first activated but a year ago one woman had told me that things get easier somehow. But how can something become 'easier' when it's hard at the moment? Perhaps it will not be easier but it will be accomplished; the goal to run away from who I am but that is more than impossible. Even in my life hiding I know the truth. And that truth disgusts me to my very core. I am Kirsche Blanchefluer; a prototype copy of the original hundred series Realian MOMO, who was awoken fourteen years prior. I am designed with DNA from my 'father' – Lazarus Blanchefluer. A few organs within me are real; my reproductive system and until recently my lungs once were. I am a self-adjusting model, with abilities similar to that of MOMO. My Personality Layer is unable to be accessed or turned off. If it is my body will result into a meltdown and I will be offline. A few routes to my personality layer have been damaged in the past, due to the 'care' of the man I know now. Despite being a copy not created with Doctor Mizrahi's ideals in mind, I hold my own abilities that can be stronger or equal to that of most Realian's. And despite being an individual creation I am linked to the Realian's database; able to experience what they experience.


"Are you sad?" the voice was swift, almost distant in her ears and for a moment she didn't understand who had spoken to her, let alone distinguished whether the tone was male or female (though she would be more than alarmed to hear a females voice so deep within space). Inside, the twenty-year olds wires ticked and if she was purely a machine the Realian knew her body would be humming inside out. Without even thinking, a collection of mechanical data strode into the personality side of her brain, causing her to feel strange emotions for but a moment. Despite awakening a year ago, Kirsch had yet to get used to the turbulence of her body; the two sides of her that were stranger than strange. Whenever she felt the 'emotions' and experiences of other Realian's they seemed to go about their business with ease, whilst she struggled; everything was a hurdle she needed to hop over. Even if the woman she could not remember meant the adjustment to blending her computerized and humanized selves, she didn't think that was possible either. But before she could make a personal response; perhaps raise her head so quickly in panic that her neck hurt and her heart began to pound (she couldn't afford making her heart work harder than it needed to; her Nano Technology wasn't working well and her heart was already weak), she knew instantly of the world about her. She had dazed off into an imagination; a day dream, on the Bridge of the ship Elsa von Brabant, which was occupied with every crew member save for Gaignun Kukai Jr. who, if her computer was working right, was somewhere in the lowest level. Doing what she didn't know, nor was she even slightly curious. And the 'friend' who had spoken to her was chaos; a white headed boy she knew so little about, save for his like of odd colours, which he showed with his orange attire.

Calmly, she raised her head, twisting her foot around the leg of the chair she sat upon, and gazed up to the boy who stood close to the terminal they shared. He looked at her with his strangely coloured eyes; observing what she looked like. Her hair was a meaningless shade of black, identical to Lazarus' though she didn't care at that moment in time and grown just past her collarbones. All of it was curled, save for her bangs, which were drawn across her forehead and blending into her hair and perched upon the right side of her head, the thicker part of her hair, was a clip with a ribbon attached to it. The ends of the ribbon fell down to her chiseled face, landing at chin length. Unlike other Realians (though she sometimes wondered why she compared herself to them when she hadn't a thing to do with them), she had the face of a young woman. Her facial structure was a heart shape, and her cheekbones looked like they had been attacked with a razor; framed and outlined sharply on her face. There wasn't beauty in her appearance as a normal person, but her sharp look was more than attractive; something that no one thought of to like. Her eyes had been covered in contacts of an emerald shade, which reminded her of her boss's eyes. And whenever she thought of her boss, her companions father, she grew curious of how much they looked alike, though brushed the childish thought aside with her logical sense. Her small body, which was just an inch higher than Gaignun Kukai Jr., was glad in a waterfall cut shirt, where the back material was made from black floral lace; the front soft white silk with an image of a faded grey rose upon it. She wore a thin grey cardigan on, with an identical cut but longer at the front. It was styled asymmetrically, with the back short enough for some of her black lace to peek through. She wore a simple pair of black denim shorts, and cerise coloured tights and finally dark grey boots. Around her neck she donned a silver chain with a wing pendant on it; a gift from the boy that had just asked her such an odd question.

Bringing her thin fingers together, where the tips were painted a stunning blue, Kirsche spoke gently with a voice light and airy; "What makes you think that?" her accent was a strong English one, belonging to the lost planet of Ariadne where her father had originated from. "I am happy," she added quite quickly.

Tilting his head to the side so some white hair fell from his face, touching his shoulder though with all of that material he wouldn't ever be able to feel, he looked at her for a moment before saying; "You're quiet."

"I just woke up," she muttered with a grin. "I go one way or the other; talkative or extremely quiet. And after waking Jr. up yesterday morning jumping on his chest and screaming I'd have thought the quiet was better."

A small smile grew on chaos' face and he straightened his neck once more. "Better for Jr. I suppose, Rhaine," he smirked and she grinned. No one knew of her name Kirsche; no one knew of her origin or of her body that wasn't even normal. Other Realians were unable to detect her, and everyone thought of her to be a twenty-year old who graduated from college with a Mechanics degree and an obsession with Philosophy. In the world outside of her mind, everyone thought of her to be Rhaine Branford; a girl originally from Ariadne who had only avoided the destruction of her planet by moving to Miltia with her father. During the Miltian Conflict she survived, utterly intact (whenever they spoke of Old Miltia she would state her memories were far too hard to bare she pushed them out of her mind and prayed they would never come back again – she hated to mimic the pain of the dead, or of anyone in such agony, but she hadn't a clue how to excuse herself otherwise), and moved to Second Miltia. Six months ago she had applied for a job with the Kukai Foundation, and after a horrifically difficult interview with Gaignun Kukai, she had managed to get the job as a Mechanic; repairing Droids and the ship whenever needed. She had gained respect and loyalty of the tight knit group of the Foundation, and a close friendship of chaos, Jr. and his father somewhat. Often she took target lessons with Jr., spending time in his home with Gaignun Kukai or going out with chaos. Things were perfect for a human but her Realian side was desperate for a need to know her purpose; a need to be real. She didn't know whether she enjoyed the people that she was with or whether she was programmed to. She didn't know whether she felt how they felt; but she felt clouds upon clouds, and the occasional strike of thunder, of guilt pounding into heart. She was a dirty liar; nothing. But she knew the moment she removed those contacts her life would fall.

Kirsche was going to continue their conversation, but was cut short before she managed to begin from the wires tickling her heart. Knowing came into her mind, and without thinking she felt the thin line of the Durandal's machinery. She could feel the connection of the other Realian's close by, though they hadn't any idea of her, and her navigational skills told her they were just two minutes and thirty-six point eight seconds away from Docking. And eight minutes, fifty two point two seconds from stepping out of the Elsa. Another mission complete; an empty achievement to her at least.

"Master Gaignun," she greeted exactly thirteen minutes and twelve seconds later with an emotionless tone, yet inside she twisted inside out as she bowed from her shoulders; hands clasped in front of her stomach, where they pushed against the soft material of her stomach. She feared, when she would raise her head again, he would be looking away; speaking with Captain Mathews or Jr. or just doing something on the computer. She feared he knew of her secret; he had discovered it whilst she was traveling to and back from Second Miltia; delivering to the U.M.N .Her blood began to shake, and her heart began to pound painfully against her chest. Despite its speed, it felt weak under her ribs. The organic side of her body was failing her slowly, with her Nano Technology not reacting properly, and her Ether skills proved no use in the long run for serious damages. The body she had obtained her organs from, including her heart, was more than weak. With her wanting to hide from her truth, Kirsche kept her pain to herself, until her lungs had completely failed her and she was unable to breathe without coughing up blood. However, she never opened up even then; she silently traveled to Second Miltia to a man that she knew who cared for Realians. And he gave her synthetic lungs. She knew soon, especially if her emotions put too much strain on her heart it would too need changing. But she wondered if she lost her real heart she would lose herself…

Biting her bottom lip, she slowly raised her head; looking through her black eyelashes with anticipation. And Gaignun Kukai was not looking away with disgust; he was looking straight at her at the top of the short ramp, making her feel even smaller than normal. His hands were brought behind his back, his fingers wrung together and he shut his eyes for a moment, contemplating something, as she stood up straight with a perfect posture in his presence. In the background, Jr. spoke with Mary and Shelly with Captain Mathews trying to get a word in edgeways in an attempt to flirt with the two sisters, but being brutally ignored. chaos strode onto the elevator and went down. The Bridge was peaceful, yet inside she hummed; feeling the numbers the Realian's were looking at; feeling their minds filling with information.

Kirsche hadn't looked away from Master Gaignun, but somehow she had blanked out; failing to notice him parting his eyes and taking a step closer to break their distance. For a moment she became occupied, wondering where her mind had been, but he spoke, breaking the trail of thoughts; "You mustn't call me Master Gaignun, Branford. You spend a lot of time with my son during personal time, so I would hope we can break this habit and speak as friends rather than colleagues."

Kirsche blinked and her mind struggled. But eventually she nodded. "Okay," she felt her heart skip a beat. Palpitations followed and she frowned slightly, bringing her left hand to her chest; 'Shit…'

"I hope that he hasn't been any trouble again…" Gaignun couldn't help but mutter as he almost completely broke their distance; stepping onto the flat ground with just a footstep between her and him. He smelt of musky cologne mixed with coffee and the hint of smoke from others who had smoked near him. She wondered what she smelt of; vanilla most likely from her perfume. Well, she hoped. And she wondered why she had hoped that…

Grinning playfully, almost evilly, Kirsche proudly spoke up, ignoring her heart; "Actually, I was the one who was trouble this time," and she laughed softly recalling Jr. jumping up in a panic from her way of waking him up. And that hadn't been the only time the mischievous girl had frightened him; she hid beneath the table in the Diner at mealtimes to hop up, caught him in the corridors and all sorts of places. She enjoyed pranking Jr. Especially when he deserved it, which was more than most of the time.

Gaignun couldn't help but raise his brow; "I expect that behavior from him, he's a child, but not from you being close to my age," and he hadn't meant a thing from his words. He knew Jr. was older than him and if anything he needed a good spanking from playing up so much. He wanted to reward Kirsche, or Rhaine as he knew her, for getting him back and he knew he would more than enjoy hearing her stories of how she had scared him or annoyed him. And he would really enjoy hearing Jr. complain about their journey with her. He was curious of Rhaine; the woman that acted like a child. He tried to keep her in his company often; amazed by her strange enjoyment for life like she had never lived a day. She was curious of everything; in love with everything and never did he see her smile falter. Unless she blanked out into a dream, of course, and such a moment alarmed everyone; without her smile something must have been wrong. But nothing ever was and she was always beaming with joy. And she knew she made that impression; she was a brilliant liar.

Not knowing what he was thinking, Kirsche's eyes widened and she felt her heart again miss a beat. And from that, she gasped slightly, and restrained her panic. Frowning slightly, Gaignun observed her for a moment before saying; "I was just joking. I hadn't meant to upset you."

Kirsche forced a laugh as relief followed from his words. She softened her face and looked up at him once more; her palpitations were slowly beginning to disperse and she felt the Nano active finally, healing herself slightly. "I know," she giggled, taking a small step back from his closeness. She took her hand from her chest, and smiled joyfully. "I'll go now and leave you be, Master Gaignun," she had forgotten his request already…

"Jr. is away tonight," Gaignun quickly muttered before Kirsche could even think of him saying goodbye to her; accepting her disappearance like any other person. "He's staying with a friend in the Urban District. Would you care to have a meal with me this evening?"

Again, Kirsche blinked. She … he was old! She wasn't even a year old! Heck, she wasn't even a human! She had never expected in all her time living to have any human relations; to ever be relatively normal but she had wriggled her way, quite smoothly, into an amazing group of friends and a handsome man – who was the leader of their Foundation – wished to eat with her? She . . . she was lost; confused; bewildered. She was stood there, a curse that she believed deserved to be struck down by lightning for lying and being herself; for dragging people into her lie, but she was being rewarded with such kind things? Kind … gestures and happy faces and a lovely person interested in her? But then she froze. He might not have even liked her that way. Everyone else could have been busy and she was a last resort! That was it. So she thought of it that way; it wasn't going to be anything good for her, just her trying to make Gaignun Kukai as happy as possible; so he wouldn't be alone that evening. She figured that would somehow even her curse as a Realian, and her horrible lie. Hopefully . . .

"I.." she couldn't help but stutter as she spoke, the eyes of Gaignun flashing happily as if he already knew her answer; "I would be honored, Master Gaignun," and she bowed from her shoulders again. With her head hung, she spoke; "Thank you for inviting me."

Before she lifted her head, and just a split second after her sentence, he placed his hand on her shoulder. And then her heart literally stopped. From the array of emotions straining her heart; the sudden guilt, joy, anxiety and now fear from the sudden touch of the hand that belonged to Gaignun Kukai – who people admired every moment of the day. The Nano stopped, cutting a slight pain in her heart as her body reacted in a non-human manner. From the cutting off of such things that were important to her human and Realian sides, her mind faltered and her body began to fall unconscious. She was not alarmed from the logic curling in her mind; it was like a human holding their breath. The body would faint, in order to re-establish a breathing pattern, and now her body was going to fall unconscious so her Nano Technology would establish a connection and she had just twenty-two seconds from her heart stopping, which actually felt like a comfort to her; nothing pounding at her chest.

Not wanting to harm herself from falling, or to suddenly alarm Gaignun Kukai too much, she took a hold of his arm that was on her shoulder with her and looked directly up into his eyes. "Don't take me to the Medical Station," she told him informatively; calmly. To comfort herself, she squeezed his soft material; the silk and warmth of his arm soothing to her. She had never touched anyone before and his arm was almost bliss. "Just to my room."

And with that, she lost control of her body and mind, falling limp against the chairman's hard frame. Gaignun's eyes did not widen. He did not falter in movement and instead, drew the girl tight against his body to prevent her nothingness frame from dropping to the ground. He took a few minutes, staring ahead at the wall and staring at nothing at all before sighing softly.


A wise man with the name Friedrich Nietzsche used the term 'amor fati' more than significantly in his writing, from thousands of years ago. The language is old Latin, translating loosely into 'love of fate'. It takes even pain and suffering; depression and horrible feelings and events into something positive – to love everything that life has to throw at you. I agree with this term. I love my pain, because it allows me to feel joy stronger when I've gotten past it. It gives me a sense of strength whenever I hold back my tears, and smile proudly later. But I feel like a contradiction. I say that I agree with the term yet I don't feel it. I cannot stand my fate; to be nothing human. Can I even enjoy the beautiful artwork of a human mans words so effortlessly? Can I even enjoy languages humans have created? Or am I to go about my business – my purpose of living, humming the machinery tune of my fake body, without feeling love for words I probably don't understand?

I hate this.


The machine inside of her head spoke before her personality activated along with her proper consciousness: "Heart Rate stabilized; resting pulse at 63BMP. Nano Technology restored. Activating in five seconds."

When her eyes parted, she felt refreshed. Everything within her body was clicked back together, and she felt the surroundings of her room; instantly connecting with her computer, which was held just down a set of five glass steps. The room was dark, with a faint light coming from her lampshade at the right of her bed, which was in the style of the lights in the Park Area of the Durandal. The humming as the small droplets of white light moved about like glitter was soothing to her, and the soft blue light was gentle to her eyes. She lay on top of her sheets, which had been switched on to provide her with heat and when she pushed herself to sit up, she couldn't help but steal a glance at the window; staring into deep space for a moment or two before putting herself back into reality. She wondered what Gaignun Kukai thought of her, while her eyes glanced around her small, two layered, room. He must have thought her to be mad. But she found him to be more than kind, especially for respecting her wishes without a single question. And then she felt a little spark of fear. Did he know everything about her? Did he…

The computer flickered on, and without thinking, her body connected to it granted access to whoever was trying to establish a connection to her with the camera. Never did she do that! It would be more than surprising for the other person to see her sitting on her bed, well away from the screen, and having activated it! But it was far too late to be alarmed and the face of Gaignun Kukai appeared. Quickly, she hopped off the bed, moving with ease down the steps.

"I see you're feeling better," he said calmly when she sat at the desk. He was in his office, which too was dark and she knew she had slept the day away.

With a grin and a nod, Kirsche answered; "Yes. Thank you so much for taking me to my room."

"It was no trouble," he replied emotionlessly. His eyes were snatched by something else on his end for a moment before he looked back at her. "The only trouble was trying to come up with an excuse as to what was wrong with you to Jr."

"Ah…" she hunched her shoulders dejectedly. "Sorry…"

He waited for her to straighten her figure again before speaking; "What happened?"

"My…" she paused before sighing softly. "My blood sugar was low."

"Just that?" he asked lightly before giving a small smile, and she felt her heart tickle from fooling him. But then, with his next sentence, she felt everything crashing down emotionally. "I was unable to find your pulse so I thought the worst but you were . . . breathing still."

Her heart skipped a beat once more, yet she was not alarmed by that. Everything inside of her began to shake and her eyes created water. Lies, lies, lies; all coming out. He knew, didn't he? She couldn't feel her hands; the blood had stopped moving. She was dirt; utterly horrible and this man knew everything! There would be no 'date' tonight; there would be no more friendships. She would be punished for lying, for wanting to be a human when she deserved nothing of the sort. She was going to be hated for trying to be on their high levels; a piece of trash trying to be what she found angelic…

On the screen, Gaignun had failed to notice her signs; her insides falling apart and the quality wasn't good enough for him to see her tears. She was cutting the quality, somewhere inside of her, to prevent it. "I'd be an awful Doctor, wouldn't I?" and he couldn't help but laugh slightly, causing Kirsche to feel confusion. He…he didn't know…?

She hated times like these where the guilt would cloud over her…

"Awful, awful, awful," she couldn't help but laugh, putting her mask quickly back on. It hadn't fallen off properly, luckily. He smiled properly. "Hey, what time is it?"

"Time for our meal, I think," he told her with a smile. "It's getting close to seven in the evening…You're not too tired are you?"

Grinning widely, though inside she was trembling, Kirsche stood up to her feet. "I'm never tired!"


'There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness.' Again, Nietzsche. I have never felt love. I feel great like to my father, Lazarus, who I unfortunately have spent so very little time with. But if there is even a hint of the need to have the emotion of 'love' between myself and Master Gaignun, I find that in itself to be mad. But our reason of madness is for his happiness. I have given up, long ago, of trying to change my 'fati'. I will continue to run from it, until I can either accept it or love it. But I am a Realian so can my emotions grow and change over time – like that of a human? Or am I always stuck to feel this over, and over, again?


Kirsche had changed before Master Gaignun had arrived at her room to collect her and take her to a restaurant in the Foundation. She had pulled her long hair back into a bun; her extravagant black dress cut to show her protruding collarbones and sharp, pointed shoulders. Her arms were toned, and around her neck she donned the same necklace she had kept on during the day. Her wrists were covered with a thin piece of silk ribbon, tied cutely and decorated with little pieces of silver glitter. She looked like a young woman, yet her eyes beamed with childish curiosity and nervousness; innocence as pure as anything. Gaignun's attire had changed, to another black suit yet without the tie or patterns on his collar. Despite his simplicity everything about him screamed 'elegance'. Between getting to the restaurant and seeing Gaignun, she had pulled out her phone; texting Jr. happily; nervously at the same time and describing what she was doing. Words that he replied with had caused her pointed brows to furrow, and they did not move even when the couple were sat down, waiting for their starter with a glass of wine in hand. She had copied Gaignun with her red drink; unsure of what to take. She dared not to admit she had never drunk alcohol before. She was shy about taking a sip, especially with him watching her so contently. The restaurant was peaceful, with people speaking lightly in the red and orange shaded building. Gentle music swept through her ears, allowing the little Realian to feel a little more comforted at their wooden table.

Eventually, with her hand around the neck of the full wineglass, she couldn't help but ask; "What does it mean to 'put out'?" and she connected with Gaignun's eyes soon enough to see them change from happy calamity to ones of shock.

He took a moment to conduct himself, giving a swift glance about them to make sure the waiter wasn't near their table before asking her quietly, though she didn't know why; "Whatever are you asking me that for?" he knew the meaning; he knew it more than well and he pondered as to why she asked him.

"Jr. told me," with her capabilities she could recall the image of the phone when she saw the text message as if she were looking at it again; she could even see the exact time in the corner of the screen when he had sent it. "'Make sure you don't put out on the first date! And if you do, don't ever tell me.' Put out what?"

Gaignun cleared his throat prior to taking a sip of wine. He wasn't sure how to explain such a thing to her without causing her immense embarrassment. But he didn't want to lie to her, or keep her from something either. She was an adult – at least he thought that she was – and deserved – or needed – to know about little things like that. Or would telling her destroy her innocence? He placed the wine glass down before looking into her eyes again. She looked up at him like a child with those coloured gems he knew were fake, though he didn't know why nor did he question her. He had . . . spoken to her because he more than enjoyed her personality whilst seeing her fluttering about the Durandal or Foundation. If Jr. had a body at his actual age he'd have been worried for his closeness with the girl, but he had struck lucky there and even luckier she had applied for the job at the Foundation. He recalled seeing her the first time at the interview with those big eyes that were exactly the same colour…

"Jr. is trying to tease you," he finally told her with a calm tone in his voice. Gently, he shut his eyes, almost trying to contain a struggle as he placed a hand on the table. She knew so little of life … had he a right to teach her? He wished to know her, yes, but he knew she would learn far more from him. "Putting out is to mean … sleeping together," he hadn't any idea of how to word what he needed to. He hadn't any idea of anything, and felt a faint line of embarrassment coming from his heart.

When he parted his eyes to see her again, she had her head tilted to the side and a wide smile was on her face. She seemed confused, but beautifully happy at the same time and he was bewildered at her reaction though didn't show such a thing. A little laugh escaped her throat, tickling from her lungs. "Well, we don't have to worry about that. I wouldn't want to take away your personal time by sleeping over at your home," she straightened her neck again and giggled. "Why he said that is beyond me!"

"Rhaine," Gaignun muttered, now going past the line of trying to hide anything from her anymore. He leaned forward, closer to her, before whispering; "He means for us to have sex."

"Reproduce?" she asked curiously, not knowing anything of relationships in the human world. She didn't seem fazed at all and instead blinked a few times at him. "Why would I want to reproduce with you?" she hadn't meant anything stale from the sentence but Gaignun felt something strange, being on a different wavelength to the Realian. "I don't want a kid."

Yes … she was more innocent than he thought; more innocent than innocence itself. He wondered how she had gotten through college and life without knowing anything of anything (and her being a Realian was something that never crossed his mind). He couldn't tell her anymore than he had done and sat back in his chair. He couldn't help but ponder whether she even knew the meaning of a date; whether she truly understood her reason to being there with him. And of course she didn't. She only thought it to be her keeping him company and had only dressed up because she had seen women and men do such a thing when they dined together in movies. She enjoyed his company more than anything she had done in her little year of being 'active' but pinched herself mentally every time she recognized that joy. Kirsche was a Realian; she didn't deserve anything, let alone to a man she had drawn into her fake little world.

"May I ask a personal question?" he spoke softly. Whilst Kirsche nodded, she raised her glass before taking a sip of it; the taste strong to her buds. She winced a little, but held in her dislike for the drink while taking a mouthful. He watched her strange way of taking wine, which was meant to be sipped, but didn't pick up on that. She was only drinking it quickly to save it being there any longer, unaware that drinking the liquid would make him think she was fond of it. "Have you ever had a relationship with someone before, Rhaine? I mean nothing horrible by that. You just seem so …" he wasn't sure how to put it.

"Of course," she couldn't help but laugh, feeling a strange tingling sensation in the pits of her stomach from the alcohol, which actually felt quite nice. "I have one with you, ne?" another little laugh left her throat and she took another drink of wine, not letting go of the glass as she spoke. "We're friends aren't we? Well, we had better be," she told him with a wink. "And I hope I have relationships with everyone that I work with and-"

He couldn't help but cut her off with his alluring voice; "I mean in a couple fashion. A man and a woman together."

Kirsche stared at him before asking; "Like mates? Mating for life?" and Gaignun nodded, unfazed by her peculiar way of speech. She had entered a new realm entirely! She only knew that humans got with the opposite sex to have children and nothing more. She didn't know what love was. Inside her heart she held an entirely different feeling for Gaignun compared to that of other people she had known but it was piled over with guilt, shame of being who she was. Plus she wouldn't know what to do with it, and unless this man explained to her life, she never would know. "If I was with someone I'd still be with them. That's … how it works, right?"

"Only if you are in love," Gaignun replied. He took a sip of wine, before re-filling her glass for her. He decided to attempt to catch up with her, unaware she wouldn't know when to stop, and took a mouthful of the sharp tasting drink.

Kirsche interrupted him; "I love my father. But I would never be with him."

"No, no," Gaignun quickly shook his head. "There are different types of love. A familial love is unconditional, especially the bond between parent and child," he didn't think twice of explaining things to her. Once, he remembered, having to explain to her different ways of speaking to different people; ones who she had to be extra polite with, and those to be casual with. Back then he just thought her to be a little more outgoing than others but this proved she was new to the real world; "Family are there for you, while a person you fall in love with is someone you cannot be without; they become almost a part of you. But along the road, of growing and meeting new people while taking a hold of your emotions, you find yourself having 'crushes'. Faint feelings of attraction that can almost be an illusion to love, and then you become a couple with the person, without the need to have a child or reproduce as you say," he smiled at her, re-filling his own wine glass finally on par with her. "And this is where we come back to my original question."

"Ah," she nodded, more than grateful for his words, which she stored in her database to study late at night. She often did that; replaying conversations to learn of human interaction, whilst under her covers. "Then no. Not at all," she paused, frowning slightly. "Is that bad? Do a lot of people have relationships like that?"

"Some do, some do not," he told her, feeling that tingling sensation in his stomach too, yet not as strong as Kirsche's. He hadn't planned to even drink that much tonight and he knew they were going to get tipsy long before dessert… Just as he was about to explain more to her, the waiter had appeared with their starters.

Whilst he placed Gaignun's down in front of him, Kirsche couldn't help but playfully gag. "You're disguising," and he looked up at her. "Prawns. Ew!"

"Soup, boring," he countered at her with a grin. Never had he felt so …casual with someone before. Maybe she was going to his beginning; maybe she would help bring him out of his shell he had put around himself. When the waiter left, Kirsche watched Gaignun politely refill their glasses, unsure of whether or not to start her meal. "I have never had a relationship before either." he told her as he handed her the full glass. She was shocked at this; Gaignun Kukai should have been with his mate by now! At least she believed.

"Why not?" she asked, finally touching her food the moment Gaignun began to scoop up a prawn with his fork. She shivered slightly as he ate the fish. "You're very pretty."

Gaignun smiled at her, swallowed his food and said; "Not many people think that and mean it, I'm afraid."

Kirsche laughed. "Are you blind? Hah! You've got people in a fan club for you."

"Yes, but things in my life are a lot more complicated than everyone believes," Gaignun told her softly. "And that complication has made me headstrong into knowing I would genuinely like to 'mate for life with' as you say, and those who would only be a small flower in my path."

Kirsche could do nothing but nod her head, dipping her bread into her mushroom soup. Her body began to feel strange from the wine, yet she didn't know the reason to it. "I know exactly how you feel."

"I hope that you don't," Gaignun honestly replied to her and caught her eyes with his. With the eye contact her told her firmly; "If life ever becomes complicated for you I wish for you to speak to me, Rhaine and I'll help you all that I can."

Feelings drew over her, water created itself in her eyes, and she lowered them. This time there wasn't a camera between them she could mess up to prevent him from seeing her tears so she held onto them as if her life depended on it. Casually as possible, she began to eat her soup, and when the urge to cry from his kindness and knowing her problems would never be fixed (she was trapped…trapped…trapped, trapped) left, she lifted her head and smiled.


That night was my turning point. Unaware to me I had set in stone my fate, involving the delightful man who strangely loved every moment with me and who had begun a few months ago to love me. I do not know what love is. I do not know what anything is. But somewhere in me I knew without that man I would be nothing. And though he was going to plant me into having to accept my life one day, and somewhere the guilt began to bubble over, things were going to be okay. I am dirt…aren't I…?