ONESHOT-SUBATOMIC IDIOT or, ALCHEMY FOR DUMMIES

AN

So, I got this idea at five in the morning while I was getting ready for school.

A lot of people don't know how alchemy works, and then write fanfictions. With alchemists. Most Mary-Sues don't bother me, especially because they make me laugh. But when you DON'T KNOW HOW THEY USE THEIR COOL ABILITIES, DON'T WRITE IT!

And yet I read them anyway. I'm an idiot.

Anyway, I try my best to know how alchemy works. I even know some transmutation circles in case my dream comes true and I land myself in Amestris. It helps that I am a science nerd and know chemistry pretty well for a freshman. :P I memorized up to Molybdenum without symbols in front of me and all the way to the end with symbols. YAHOO! I'M NUMBER ONE! THE REAL STAR!

Sorry, BlackStar moment there.

Okay, I'll stop talking and start the story. Here we GOOOOOOOOOO…..

"Let me get this straight…" Ava sighed as Al finished telling the story. "You transmuted lead into gold?"

Ed nodded. "Yeah, why is it such a big deal? It's just alchemy, we all know how to do it."

The tiger chimera put her head in her hands. "But you transmuted LEAD into GOLD."

Edward narrowed his eyes. "That was the entire reason alchemy was created."

"That was before people knew that they were different elemements! Besides, there have only been maybe two other people that have done that before!" Ava growled. "It's one thing to make Helium into Hydrogen or Beryllium to Oxygen, those are nice even numbers and simple atom structures. But for one thing you went into weird numbers. I mean, 79 and 82? You have to get them to divide evenly and you probably had a bunch left over. And they're transition metals; the electrons are in weird arrangements and have to fit together right after you transmute the insides! And furthermore-"

"Okay, okay, we get it," Ed sighed.

"Brother, I didn't do it, she was talking to you," Al muttered shyly.

"Whose side are you on?" groaned the smaller alchemist.

"The right one," Ava teased, lifting her head. "Honestly, Ed, people should start calling you the Subatomic Alchemist, it fits you in more than one wa-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SUBATOMIC!"

Ava widened her eyes in mock alarm. "Oh, wow Ed! You actually heard correctly this time!"

The short, golden-eyed boy glared at her. "I still don't see why it's such a big deal. After all, if we survived the Truth, what can't we do? We don't make stupid mistakes anymore." He leaned back and put his arms behind his head.

"YOU STUPID SUBATOMIC IDIOT! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A SUPERGENIUS PRODIGY MIDGET BOY DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BE RECKLESS LIKE THAT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO MESS WITH SUBATOMIC PARTICLES? THEY DIE AND BRING ENTIRE CITIES WITH THEM!" Ava roared, standing up. "HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE GUY WHO TRIED TO SPLIT URANIUM AND WAS SUCH A STUPID IDIOT THAT THEY THOUGH THAT OVERLOADING THE DAMN THING WITH EXTRA NEUTRONS WOULD WORK? WELL IT DID! AND IT DIDN'T STOP! THAT'S HOW BAMBURD WAS DESTROYED! THE ONE PERSON WHO SURVIVED WAS HIS SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WHO HID BEHIND A LEAD SHIELD, AND SHE DIDN'T LAST LONG AFTER THE RADIATION HIT HER!"

Ed stared at her, wide-eyed, as she ranted. Al was slowly stepping back.

"SO DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! I DON'T CARE IF YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE THE GREATEST ALCHEMIST IN THE WORLD, YOU'RE ONE OF TWO FRIENDS I HAVE AND I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO MUCH TO LOSE YOU!" She finished, her eyes shining. She sat down and sighed.

"Ed, alchemy is so rare because it's so dangerous. It takes a lot of energy, tons of concentration, and even more experience and knowledge. The only reason I learned it was to survive, to be a little bit human. You're a genius, but don't waste it by being reckless and stupid. Okay?" she said more gently. "I don't want to lose either of my little brothers."

Ed smiled, obviously either missing or ignoring her subtle insult. "Sure, whatever."

"Good. You're still a subatomic idiot," Ava teased.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MIDGET SO SMALL THEY CAN'T EVEN BREATH BECAUSE THE OXYGEN MOLECULES ARE BIGGER THAN HIM?"

"You, stupid."

AN

I had to. A bit of fluff, both Ed and Ava don't know they like each other yet and Ava assumes what she feels for them is familial love because she never had a family. Also, for those of you who don't know, overloading a Uranium atom with neutrons is how fission works- how atomic bombs work and what nuclear power plants run on. :)

Funny story: in Lit Block, we do journals. The teacher draws tppics out of a box and we have to write about them. I do fanfiction oneshots for mine. (Which I might start submitting... does anyone want me to?) Every month we have to turn in three that we did, all typed up and fancy. I just got this month's back- one FMA, one Bleach, and one Harry Potter. The FMA one was free write and it was about Ed being taller than Ava all of the sudden. Ed does a little dance song thingy. The teacher thought they were siblings though... and commented on it. XD That would be a little awkward considering they end up married... :| One of my anime buddies thought it was hilarious. The other one was about my silly hyperactive Bleach OC... that was my favorite. :)

Anyway...

I have a more in-depth story of Ava, check out Eye of the Tiger.

Thanks! Please review!