Rating: soft R
Spoilers: The usual spoiler for Cooper
Summary: Cooper has a long track record now for making Kurt and Blaine blush at every opportunity. Being Blaine's best man is just one more chance. Plus, he figures he owes them a bit of payback.
A/N: I actually can't stop writing Cooper/klaine-wedding fic at this point. Hopefully you're not sick of them.
Cooper likes to think the all his mischief and antics keep the boys honest, on their toes.
The boys—Kurt and Blaine—like to think all his mischief and antics simply make him a pain in the ass.
Cooper grins and makes a particularly crass joke at this point in the conversation.
It all began the first time Cooper met Kurt. Kurt was half-naked and blushing and very obviously half way through sucking Blaine's brain out through his dick. Cooper had been far too focused on trying to make Blaine die of embarrassment that night—and for several weeks after—to really do more with Kurt than collude and grin.
Except then there was the time all three of them got drunk in the Anderson kitchen after a particularly messy altercation between Blaine and his father. Blaine downed too many beers, too fast, and passed out snoring on the couch and Kurt had sat there and stared as he brushed Blaine's hair back off his forehead and then gone back to sitting and drinking with Cooper.
He still can't remember all of what he said. He does remember Cooper laughing and laughing and warning him multiple times: "You know I'll mock you mercilessly for this in the morning?"
And mock he did. Every now and then he'd bring something up. Something hopelessly, sickeningly in love that Kurt had wondered aloud under the influence, not really thinking about who he was talking to.
Cooper knew things that Kurt wasn't even able to tell Blaine yet. And Cooper spent a good year peppering random facts into the conversation.
He thinks you smell like vanilla and rain and hope. Hope, Blaine! Hope.
He went through every lyric to that Grenade song and said he would do it all for you. Frankly I thought he had better taste. Lost a lot of respect on that one.
He wants a little girl with your hair and eyes. You guys are seventeen and you're thinking about kids. It's sickening. And your hair…I mean really? Has he seen what you look like in the morning? Dumb question.
Apparently he has a bucket list? And since he started dating you he's added over two hundred things to it! I tried to get out of him what they were but he just went hand wavy and said they were all way to dirty to say out loud! This just after he told me your tongue deserved a Gold Medal is gymnastics. What does that even mean?
That year brought Blaine and Kurt closer together, stronger than ever, united in their permanent blush and constant eye-rolling around Cooper.
They thought they got lucky once. Both of them back in Lima for Spring Break and looking for somewhere quiet, they snuck off to Blaine's parent's supposedly empty house. Cooper's car was parked out the front and they walked in, hand in hand, not expecting for a second…
He had a woman—she turned out to be his boss—skirt rucked up but mostly clothed, pressed up against the fridge. The sounds she was making… And Cooper was butt naked.
Blaine had choked on a laugh and there were several long moments of Cooper looking entirely caught out and very, very naked, and this tall, blond woman screaming and hiding behind the counter and then Kurt and Blaine were stumbling back into the hallway where they bent double and leaned against each other and laughed.
They made a few remarks that should have made Cooper blush after that but he just held their gaze and said nothing. And then they were out for dinner in New York with Cooper and his current group of witty, boisterous friends and Blaine was being lavished with attention from two of the women and somehow, somehow they ended up debating the attractiveness of the two Anderson brothers and then, suddenly, Cooper was demanding the attention of everyone at the table and turned his eyes on Kurt and asking:
"You've seen us both naked and I trust your unbiased opinion…"
And Kurt had gaped and blushed hard and Blaine had swooped in to whisper in his ear, "Don't you dare," because Kurt has teased him about his taller, more-toned, Adonis of a brother and it was funny but oh my god.
And so it went. Cooper teases and it's completely good-natured and fun and Kurt often watches him shoving at Blaine's hip and is so thankful they have each other. But by god he's a pain.
When they get married Cooper is the inevitable choice for Blaine's best man. Kurt agonizes over his own choice but both Blaine and Cooper tell him it's his wedding and eventually he asks both Rachel and Finn to share the role.
Kurt makes sure Carole casts an eye over Rachel and Finn's joint speech. It doesn't stop them from singing a duet mid-Reception but it's fine.
Then it's Cooper's turn and under the table, newlywed, Blaine squeezes Kurt's hand and prays.
It's the most embarrassing ten minutes of their lives. He mocks them for their young puppy love and tells the story about that first meeting with Kurt and embellishes a little on just how much skin he saw and precisely what he heard. He reads through a list of the surfaces supposedly sullied in the New York apartment during the two years he let them use it as, in his words, their love-nest on the occasional weekend. He speculates about their future children and the all-singing, all-dancing household they will be subjected to.
The guests laugh and cheer and Burt tries to block a lot of it out. Blaine only catches him once staring at him with a deathglare and it's all rather too late. But then Cooper is raising a glass and toasting and clapping and Blaine wonders if his cheeks are as red as Kurt's.
He keeps glaring at Cooper, promising him retribution with his eyes and his mind, for all of five seconds and then someone is calling for a kiss and Kurt's grabbing him and distracting him perfectly.
Cooper sidles up to them soon after. Smirking and eyes sparkling, he wishes them luck, tells them they don't need it, says he is so very happy for them. And then he asks, "Speech over the top?"
Kurt chuckles. "Very."
"Kinda hate me now?"
Blaine retorts, "Speak for yourself," but his lop-sided smile says otherwise.
"I am going to absolutely make up for my best man's torture."
Blaine arches an eyebrow. "I don't even want to know how."
Cooper's grin grows wider. "Good because I'm not telling."
He bounds away with Kurt yelling after him, "Cooper!" because this could mean anything and he had been so sure the best man's speech (and Blaine's stripper the week before, but that's another story) had been the end.
Then they're being distracted by friends from college and the reception properly takes off and then spend hours dancing and laughing and talking to their friends. Their fingers remain entwined for most of the evening. And then they're getting tired and the time comes to leave.
On the way out Cooper winks at them. They both see it and they exchange a look of trepidation but roll their eyes and blush at him like always.
One of Rachel's friends moonlights as a limo driver and she has called in a favour. He's waiting out the front for them, eating cake and leaning back against the car door. He swallows down the mouthful and grins.
Then they're in the backseat and all over each other. Hands and mouths and stupid giggles and breathless admissions and wonderment.
I can't believe we just did that—I mean I can—but oh my god.
I love you.
I love you.
I fucking love you.
Holy shit. We're married.
Kurt is sprawled across Blaine's lap, starting to rock down and pull at his hair and suck on his lips, willing the limo faster to the hotel. That's when he realizes they've left Manhattan and are racing along the I-495 and scrambles away to stare out the window and try to get his bearings.
He looks at Blaine and waits for him to catch up.
They're meant to be driving downtown to the hotel they've booked the honeymoon suite at for the weekend.
Blaine just shakes his head and looks as confused as Kurt.
Moving quickly, Kurt raps his knuckles against the partition. But before he can get a word in, the driver's saying through a laugh, "There's a note under the bottle of scotch," and raising the partition again.
Blaine gets to it first, Cooper's unmistakable scrawl across the A4, scarily heavy, manila envelope.
Mr & Mr Anderson-Hummel (-Hudson?)
No arguments. I wanted to.
I love you both.
"Oh my god, what has he done?" Kurt breathes out.
They fall back on the seat and after a moment's hesitation Blaine's ripping open the envelope and tipping the contents between them.
What looks like an itinerary.
Hand written names, phone numbers.
They stare at each other and Kurt doesn't know whether to cry or squeal or start working out how to repay Cooper because they couldn't afford any of this which was why they were staying on Manhattan but Cooper, being Cooper, won't want to hear a bar of that and…
Blaine's eyes scan the E ticket and then he breathes out. "Paris."