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"Get a girlfriend, Jeff!"

One-shot that takes place in the Pond's garden one night, set after TWORS, with a newly married Doctor and a post-Byzantium River.

. . .


Amelia Pond was smug. And, in all honesty, slightly intoxicated.

Rory watched her wearily, wincing and shooting worried looks at River.

The Doctor was too busy flirting with River and thinking of clever things to say to notice how inebriated his ginger friend was.

River was simply amused. Amused by her mother's loud remarks and her father's worry and the Doctor's cluelessness.

"I always wanted the two of them to get together." Amelia stated with pride, smiling smugly as she raised the wine glass to her lips and gestured to her daughter and her best friend. She looked down at the red liquid, almost became cross eyed, and decided talking was more important than taking another sip.

For the moment.

She continued as she set the glass back down messily, "First time I met her, I knew she was his wife."

"I know, mother dear, that wasn't too long ago for me. You were rather clever."

"It was ages ago for me. And don't call me your mum! Makes me feel old." She made a petulant, sulky face and brought Rory's glass – which was halfway to his lips when she intercepted – to her own mouth with both hands.

Rory sighed, letting his hand drop from the glass Amy had swiped and was now heartily enjoying, "Amy. I think, possibly, you may have had enough."

Rory was duly ignored by the rest of the party.

"And you were mister grumpy face! All mean and not nice to my daughter! Your wife!"

The Doctor, who had been too occupied with River's foot lazily swiping back and forth down his leg under the table, suddenly was drawn into the conversation, "I was most certainly not rude!"

"You were, just a bit." River tapped her fingers to her jaw as her foot dropped back to the grass, mentioning amusedly, "And so young!"

"But as I was saying," Amy cut in, back on point as she shifted her feet from underneath her onto Rory's lap, accidentally hitting him in the stomach in the process. Rory sighed.

"You were saying?" Rory obliged.

"I always knew you were together. And the way the Doctor pouted! Hah! He was soooo crushing." She giggled and grinned at the Doctor, "But it was you two, it was always you two!"

"And Mels?" River interceded.

"Eh?"

"You certainly didn't buy into my comments that I would marry the Doctor." River announced, all too cheerily.

"But you were Mels! All non-serious and wild and had a new boy every week! Every day! Every hour, sometimes!"

The Doctor shot into attention, "What!"

"And who encouraged that behavior?" Rory asked drolly, "You were always trying to set her up with someone."

"This is true." River cut in, "You always encouraged me to go out to the pub with the boys from the football team."

"What?"

"I did not! I just encouraged her to…date." Amy got out, but her denial was quickly slipping into amusement.

"I don't think you called it dating, mummy dear." River chirped, picking up her own wine glass and taking her own smug sip.

Rory groaned, "So, my wife encouraged my daughter to go out and have sex with random blokes. Right."

"What?" the Doctor spluttered.

"I did! Oh my god! That's terrible!" She mostly just sounded amused. Amy grinned, turning to River, "Does that make me a cool mum?"

"It was quite hilarious, actually." River laughed.

"What! No! That's horrible. Amy!" The Doctor insisted, looking flustered by the sudden revelation that his wife's mother had actively encouraged her to be, well, active.

"I didn't know she was my daughter." She said with a noncommittal shrug.

With a high pitched squeak, the Doctor questioned, "Why did you encourage that…that behavior though!"

"I wanted her to have fun! And I had Rory and I wanted her to have her own boy too!"

"Jeff." Rory simply stated, looking properly horrified.

River burst into a peal of laughter, "Oh, Jeff! Poor bloke."

"The good looking one? What about him?" The Doctor's barely-there eyebrows pulled together.

"Jeff and I were quite close." River murmured suggestively.

"What's that got to do with anything!" the Doctor declared indignantly.

From Rory, "This is not going to go over well."

Amy, seeing the fact that the Doctor didn't get it, laughed gleefully, "Oh god, River!"

The Doctor shot looks between the hysterical Amy and the self-satisfied River, "Wait, no, still not following."

"Jeff and I dated."

"Dated…" he trailed off, his eyes going wide, "Now hold on! What kind of dated?" He spit out the word like a curse.

"Oh, you know." River replied flippantly.

"The kind Amy was talking about." Rory supplied broodingly, pressing his fingers into his suddenly throbbing temples.

"WHAT?" the Doctor's eyes landed on his wife, shooting her an aghast and disconcerted look.

"They were together for ages." Amy chirped.

River ignored the Doctor's pointed looks, "Oh, we were hardly a couple."

"You two just fooled around!" Amy supplied all to happily.

The Doctor suddenly stood and his limbs flailed comically, exclaiming much too loudly, "I TOLD HIM TO GET A GIRLFRIEND."

River ignored her husband and turned towards Amy, who knocked her feet off of her own husband to lean in towards her daughter. Conspiringly, River practically purred, "Oh, he was such a lovely chap though. And so handsome! He had the most amazing body!"

"He's delicious."

A combined chorus of "Amy!" and "River!" came from the disturbed husbands.

The Doctor looked lost for speech for a moment, then made up for it by stumbling out half to himself, "But he, he was on the internet! Looking at…you know! Inappropriate things! Deleting, clear-y history things! He lived with his grandmum! He's not River Song material!"

"He was doing what?" Amy questioned, interest peaked as she finally gave the Doctor some acknowledgement.

"Watching a video! And there was a girl! And a guy! And they were, you know!" The Doctor looked flustered and embarrassed, cheeks reddening slightly. "When we were saving the world and I needed a computer and we were running out of time and I borrowed Jeff's computer while he was looking at things. Inappropriate things!"

Amy's face suddenly broke into a slow transformation of utter, complete joy. She turned to River, barely containing her excitement though she managed a semi-calm tone, "You don't think…?"

River nodded, "Oh, I think so."

"No, no, no, no." Rory covered his eyes with one hand and one ear with the other, "I don't want to hear this. I really, really don't."

"Hahahahahahahah!"

The Doctor set down with a huff, annoyed that he was once again the one out of the loop. "What?" he asked moodily, unhappy with his wife and mother-in-law, as well as with the recent revelation.

River suddenly turned to him, instructing him, "Describe the woman in the video."

"What!" The Doctor leaned back, hands moving in incoherent incomprehension, "You can't expect me to-"

"Describe her, Doctor."

He flushed scarlet, but seeing River's serious look, bumbled out, "Well! She was, you know, kind of naked-y! Er, very. Why are you making me describe it?"

Another fierce glare from River and he continued quickly, "And she was a bit darker skinned and her hair was all braided and –"

Penny in the air.

Sudden comprehension hit. The Doctor flung his hands over his mouth, and then burst out, "OH MY GOD RIVER!"

And the penny drops.

"Bingo."

"PLEASE TELL ME I DID NOT UNINTENTIONALLY SEE A SEX TAPE OF MY WIFE WITH SOME JEFFERY FROM LEADWORTH."

"I won't say it then, dear." From River.

"No, no, no, no!" The Doctor continued, eyes closed and almost sniveling.

"Most certainly didn't need to hear that." Rory grumbled.

"Poor, poor Pond men." Amy cooed.