Tag for 7.13, Slice Girls
I've been wanting to do a Sam POV fic for awhile that would kinda be the other side to my Dean fic The Reason. It took me awhile because it's so much harder for me to get inside Sam's head than Dean's. I think it's because I relate to Dean so much more...has nothing to do with my love for the Winchesters because I love them both equally. I hope you guys like it.
As I put Seattle behind us, I glance over at Dean and see he has fallen asleep, neck at an awkward angle, face pressed against the passenger side window. I know from experience that's not going to feel so good when he wakes up so I try to pull him into a somewhat more comfortable position while keeping one hand on the wheel. The result is not what I was hoping for as Dean slaps at my hand while sinking further into the seat, neck bent so awkwardly that I have no idea how he's still asleep.
Dean's always been that way. He could sleep just about anywhere as long as someone would give him time to close his eyes. But nine times out of ten, sleep for Dean is an avoidance tactic, a way to avoid me or anyone else who might actually try to make him talk about something instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. That's what it was tonight. He knew I wouldn't let things rest so instead of opening up to me he feigned sleep until he actually fell asleep and left me stewing, once again.
He thinks I'm pissed because of what happened with Emma, but I'm not. I've seen Dean like this before, spiraling out of control, doing stupid things because he no longer cares whether he lives or dies, never once stopping to realize that I do….I care about what happens to my brother, even though I'm not sure he believes it.
I know him and I know how he thinks. He wants everyone to believe he's tough as nails and everything bounces right off him but it's not true. Nothing bounces off him. Everything you say or do, Dean files it away and pulls it out to analyze it when he thinks nobody is watching but I've been watching him ever since I can remember. Dean wants you to think he's shallow but he's one of the deepest thinkers I've ever known and he never forgets. Sometimes I really wish he could.
So, no, I'm not pissed at Dean for not killing his child….even if she was a monster. I'm worried about his hesitation to do so. I'm worried his hesitation will get him killed and I'll be left alone…and the thought of that terrifies me.
As if he's been waiting for his cue, I see him…..Lucifer…..sitting there in the back seat, smiling at me as if we are best buddies just out taking a road trip together. I focus my mind back on the road in front of me and grip the steering wheel tight, feeling the press of the wheel against the scar on my left hand, the only weapon I have against Lucifer.
I risk a glance in the rearview mirror and see that the devil is gone for now but I know he'll be back. Ever since Cas brought down the wall in my head, the devil has been my constant companion, forever reminding me of the torture of hell and the pain I suffered there.
I want to tell Dean. More than anything I want to be able to confide in my brother and tell him how I think I'm slowly losing my mind…..but I can't. Since Bobby's death, he's barely hanging on. I can't put this on him right now. He thinks I've got it under control and that's the way it has to stay. This is my burden to bear.
I pull the car into the parking lot of the next cheap motel and there's Satan, motioning for me to come on in. I turn off the car, close my eyes and squeeze my left hand as hard as I possibly can.
"Sammy?" Dean is awake and I can tell by the tone of his voice he's worried.
When I open my eyes there's nothing beckoning to me except the neon light of a vacancy sign and my brother is sitting beside me, wide awake, and looking a bit frightened.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I can't quite meet Dean's eyes. "I'll go get us checked in. You grab the duffels."
Once inside the room, Dean kicks off his boots and collapses onto the nearest bed. I think he's fallen asleep again until he opens one eye to peer at me.
"You sure you're okay?"
I realize he has caught me kneading the scar on my hand in hopes of stopping the devil, who is tap dancing outside the motel window. Dean follows my gaze and I know I can't lie. Not this time.
Terror builds up inside me as Satan begins to throttle my brother. Dean's face is turning blue and he's reaching for me. I call out his name and suddenly I feel someone gripping my hand. Satan is gone and Dean is kneeling in front of me, my hand clasped tightly between his.
"He's not here, Sammy."
I close my eyes and feel the tears gathering there. I have to hold it together. Dean's just watched his daughter die. I can't fall apart….not now….not ever….not as long as my brother is still breathing.
I take a deep breath and open my eyes. Satan is nowhere to be seen but Dean's eyes are full of fear. I attempt a shaky smile.
"I'm okay, Dean….really."
The scar may be my weapon but my brother is the reason…..the only reason I'm still holding on. If not for Dean, I'm pretty sure I'd be bunk buddies with Satan once again. I'm not that strong and I never have been. Dean is the strong one, the one who can hold it all together when the world is falling apart around us. He's proven he can survive without me while all I've been able to prove is how self-destructive I become without my brother around to keep me together.
I beat the devil once but this….this is different. He used my body before but this time he's in my head and no matter how hard I try, I can never gain full control. I can make him disappear for awhile but he's never gone for good. And ever since Bobby died, he's becoming much more a regular character than just a special guest star in the freak show of my mind.
It would be so easy just to let go but I keep hanging on because Dean needs me…not me, necessarily but I'm all he's got. If Bobby were still around, I'd not worry as much. Dean would be okay if I finally go cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Even if Cas was still here, I think Dean could make it without me but I see how he's barely holding it together and I can't let my brother down. I can't let go and lose myself to the devil. What would that do to Dean? He'd have nothing left and I can't leave him alone to fight Dick Roman.
Dean is still clutching my hand and I try once more to reassure him that I'm okay.
"Uh, huh. Sure." Dean finally releases my hand, grabs the TV remote and begins flipping through the channels. Another avoidance tactic but this time he's doing it for me. He finally decides that World's Dumbest is the perfect distraction and for awhile we laugh together and I try to avoid Lucifer's gaze as he sits in the corner like a petulant child, waiting for me to acknowledge him.
Dean finally nods off sometime in the early morning hours. I cover him with the thin motel bedspread and he burrows beneath it. I move over to the small kitchen table and open my laptop. Satan sits opposite me and appears to be interested in what I am researching. I hope he's worried. I type the word hallucination into the search engine and begin scanning the articles.
Sometime later I'm awakened by the smell of coffee. I peel open one eye and find I am face first in my laptop. The motel bedspread is now tossed over my shoulders. Dean appears and places a cup of coffee in the proximity of my hands.
I reach for the coffee and take a long sip before replying. "Yeah, someone kept me up half the night watching mindless TV."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Mindless TV? No, not particularly." Dean wasn't the only one who had avoidance tactics.
Satan is sitting where I left him last night, giving a running commentary on everything he sees, including my brother. As I reach for my scar, Satan flips me the bird and disappears. Dean takes the seat vacated by the devil and peers earnestly at me.
"You know I'm not going anywhere, right, Sammy?"
I hesitate but only for a moment. "Me either."
Dean nods. "Okay, good. Glad we got that established."
He stares at me for another minute before grabbing his bag and heading toward the bathroom. Somewhere between Seattle and wherever the hell we are now, Dean figured it out.
You know I'm not going anywhere…..
From his perch in the corner Satan whispers, "Neither am I."
I won't last long in this world so wrong
As we dance with the devil tonight
Don't you dare look at him in the eye
As we dance with the devil tonight
This week marks my third year of writing fanfiction. This last year has been really hard for me but for those of you who have hung in there with me, thank you so much and for those of you who may have just started reading my fics, welcome!
Song Lyrics: Dance with the Devil by Breaking Benjamin
Thanks for reading!