Title: He's my fratello
Summary: Feliciano describes a reoccurring dream of his.
Chapter one: The Realization.
The dream always starts off the same way. I'm in a dark room...
It wasn't long ago that we moved in together. We figured if we were going to run a country together, we might as well get to know each other. It was a weird feeling at first not to be the only one at home, but I guess I got used to it. Once the weirdness of sharing a home with someone else wore off it was the weirdness of recognizing Lovino as my Fratello. I never had a problem when we were living with Nonno, but after Mr. Austria and Spain had taken us apart it had been centuries since we had talked. Then when we did claim independence we had lived in separate houses. Eventually we convinced each other when the country united we should too. But it still feels weird to have him around.
The day of the move was long and exhausting. Because my house was bigger and in an area that was plentiful, Lovino moved his things up here. I was rather delighted that I didn't have to move my things and that I wouldn't have to learn the ins and outs of a new neighborhood. I represented Italy, but I guess I could still get lost in certain cities. It took two trucks to move all his things into my home. We only had two movers and ourselves. The movers were there to help with the heavy things such as his bed and a couch. Another person in the house meant more house guests coming in and out. Although I knew Lovino wasn't very sociable I wanted to keep the window open for a big house party. So we came to have two of a lot of things. We had two rectangle tables that we pushed together and covered with a huge table cloth to make it look like just a big table. There were two couches that sort of kiddy-cornered with a side table in between them.
Lovino had a room for himself, but I always woke up to him sneaking in my bed at night. I offered just to move his bed into my room so he wouldn't be alone, but he huffed and puffed and refused that he was even leaving his room at night. Which, I considered silly since he woke up every morning in my bed. I never fought him on it, and I don't plan to ever do so.
"Buongiorno~ Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, I guess. You snore really loud."
I scratched the back of my head with a small laugh. "Vee, I do? Mi dispiace~ Let me make it up to you by cooking breakfast."
This was almost routine by now. It had only been two weeks, but every night he would climb into my bed and every morning he'd complain about not sleeping well just so I'd make him breakfast. Which I didn't mind in doing, I rather liked to be control of my kitchen. But I assumed this schedule would get old really fast. I made up some sweet things for breakfast – some bomboloni and espresso. Lovino sat at the table and read a newspaper that I had collected to look through myself this morning. I didn't mind letting Lovino read it and spoil all the news for me though, since I knew I wouldn't get through it all. In fact it was almost like killing two birds with one stone. He would read a few of the lines out loud, tell me what the article was about, and give me his opinion. That way I wouldn't have to force small talk since it was already there, and I knew what was in today's paper at the same time.
I placed a cup of espresso and a plate with a few bomboloni on it in front of him. "Grazie… We won the FIFA match yesterday."
"Did we? Who did we play against?" I smiled, taking a seat across from him with a plate and cup of my own breakfast.
"Fuck if I know." He had already flipped the page. I guess it was okay, since I didn't really care about sports. "By the way, Antonio's coming over today."
I always hear his voice calling out for Lovino. It's almost like he had been invited to watch. I never saw him, but I always heard him calling out. "Lovino? Are you there? Lovi?" I never want to hear fratello's name called out by that voice. There's always a bitter feeling. Sometimes it's anger, sometimes I dream that I'm jealous. Other times I'm scared… That's the worst.
I don't know whether I liked or disliked this. Antonio had always been kind to me, but he took Lovino's attention away from me. I felt as though we should be spending time with each other and getting to know the other half better. We should be exchanging stories of our youth post-Nonno, not inviting friends over to spend time with them. But I couldn't say the Spaniard couldn't come over. That would be horribly rude of me. Especially when this was half Lovino's house now. So I just smiled and nodded my head as I continued to eat my breakfast.
Later that day Antonio did come over. He had brought a basket of churros with him as a sort of house warming gift for Lovino. I sat on a couch by myself as the other two sat on the couch together. Antonio had his hands all over Lovino as if they were a couple of a few years. He would smile a little longer at him and say how cute he was. It all made me suspicious and bitter inside. I didn't like feeling that way, so I left. Quickly I had come up with an alibi that I was going out to the store to get some wine, but really that was just a ruse to get out of the house. I couldn't bear to watch them do cutesy coupley things any longer.
Then it hit me. The reason I was so irritated was because I wanted that to be me. I wanted to take over Antonio's place and tell Lovino how cute he was. My heart thumped a few times as I looked to the clouds for some sort of answer that wasn't there. Had I begun to develop a crush on my own flesh and blood? Was this okay? What would Lovino think..? The sky had no answers, nor did it discourage me. It was friendly but passive at the same time. At one point I didn't even think, I just stared as the snow fell and let the idea sink in. I had a crush on my own brother. He wasn't even my step-brother; he was full flesh and blood. In a way it seemed fitting, being we were the north and the south. But in another way all together it was wrong. I thought about the possibility of loving a man before and that didn't seem to bother me much. It just seemed natural, since Nonno had embraced it when we were younger. I wanted a family, but there was no reason I couldn't have one with another man. But with a man that was already family?
When a snowflake hit me in the eye I knew it was time to keep moving. I picked up that I had graciously told myself I deserved and started the long walk home. For whatever reason it seemed like the walk home was far more long than when I had left. My feet scolded me with every step but it was easy to ignore them with this new thought on my mind. Suppose this was just a phase? Suppose I only thought this way because another man was in my house cuddling with someone who I was in the middle of developing a relationship with? A platonic one at that. That had to be the reason; I was just letting my jealousy make excuses for why I felt that way.
I almost felt like I had to knock on my own door before entering the house. It was an uncomfortable feeling that I pushed aside, hoping I never felt like that again. Not that I felt like a stranger to my own domain, but I had felt like I was interrupting something. They weren't in the living room, or the kitchen for that matter. I took my boots and winter wear off and put the bottle away. I wondered for a few minutes where they could be, and then I heard it. A loud moan coming from the hallway leading to Lovino's room. It was one of the most beautiful and horrifying sounds I've ever heard in my entire life. The voice belonged to Lovino, that wasn't the issue. But I knew who was making him feel that way and that knowledge bothered me. I almost felt like a pervert walking down that hallway and standing against the wall to listen to more of those noises. My stomach turned and did flips as one of my hands reached down into my pants to touch myself. My other hand shut me up by sticking a few fingers in my mouth. I almost knew exactly who was on top and who was on bottom just by the sounds alone. This excited me more, since it meant I could hear Lovino better and more frequently than Antonio. I could hear fratello's name being murmured from behind the door, which pissed me off a bit. I never heard the other man's name spoken, but I heard slurs and pet names he had taught Lovino to say.
"Do you want to play a game with me, Fratellino?" He whispers in my ear, sliding his hands along my hips. Hot breath curled around my ear as I gave a small nod. "Si… I want to play with you." I always tell him, regardless of how I feel. I never ask what kind of game it was. I think I never ask because I don't want to find out. Either I'm too mad and just want to play, or I'm scared of what's going to happen.
After making a run for the bathroom before either of them could come out of the room I cleaned myself off with a damp towel. I was so embarrassed and no one had even seen me. I felt the heat on my face and my chest dipping inward. The feeling was horrendous… I had just touched myself thinking about the dirty things my own fratello had been doing. At that point all I could think was I was a monster. I was some sort of sick pervert and should be punished for my actions. Who does that? Who sits outside their brother's bedroom and touches themselves while he screws around with his boyfriend?
Later that evening I met them out in the living room with a pair of satisfied grins. They were kissing goodbye, Antonio deciding to leave. Lovino had blushed when he saw I had caught him, but after what I had done watching them kiss wasn't quite as voyeuristic as I once thought it was. I wanted to tell him what I did and beg for his forgiveness, but I knew somewhere deep inside if I told him what I did he'd move out faster than the sentence was over. I wouldn't have the chance to cry. Instead Lovino apologized for 'catching him like that' and asked where I kept my cleaning supplies. Apparently his room had a 'funky' smell to it. I knew… I could smell it. It smelt like hot sweat and passion. If that wasn't an aphrodisiac I wouldn't be convinced there ever was one.
From his bedroom he called to me, asking if I wanted to pop open the wine bottle and drink it with him. I couldn't – that was I just couldn't bring myself to look at him any longer for the night. I needed to separate myself from him. I needed sleep. I tucked myself in and laid my head down on the pillow. It wasn't long before I felt those urges again, those voices screaming in my head. But I kept my hand from snaking down and getting rid of the heat. Once in a day was too wrong let alone a second time.
The morning came and I woke up as per normal, with Lovino in bed with me. I woke in hot sweat, breathing heavy.
That was the first night I ever had the dream.