Author's Note: I'm back with another HijiGin. I apologize in advance for it. I don't even know what to say for myself anymore. I really don't have a fascination with butt hair. I can only blame Hideaki Sorachi for the prevalent use of it as a plot device. Gintama has twisted me for life.
Disclaimers:a) Hideaki Sorachi owns Gintama & it's wonderful, odd, and smexy characters. b) You dropped the F-Bomb on me, baby! There is much cursing inside, be advised. c) This BL. That means B.O.Y.S liking other B.O.Y.S. Hey, it's my story and I can do what I want. See more notes at the end.
Left eye twitching, Hijikata stared down at the paper in front of him with disgusted disbelief. The emotion lasted only a moment before it quickly turned to rage. Yamazaki, unfortunate subordinate to the demonic Vice-Commander, watched it happen. He saw the exact moment the incredulity on his superior's face bled to a violent anger that promised death and dismemberment to all in his path. Since Yamazaki was not only the lone rank and file Shinsengumi in the room, he was also the poor SOB who had given Hijikata the news that had set him off. Therefore, he knew with the same instinct of a goat staring into the murderous eyes of a mountain lion that his life was in serious peril. He did the only intelligent thing to do in such a situation: he ran like hell. He enjoyed the brief taste of freedom for all of two seconds before his collar was snagged in a vice-like grip and he was hauled roughly backward.
"Where is that idiot at?" Hijikata snarled down into his face, slate eyes blazing with unholy fire.
"K-Kabuki-chou," Yamazaki squeaked out, hanging limply from Hijikata's arm.
"Che, of course it would be there," came an almost resigned response.
Yamazaki relaxed a little. Maybe he wasn't about to be obliterated. Maybe his life was going to be spared. Maybe—
He didn't finish the last thought because he was suddenly flying through the air at Mach 5. He crashed into the wall with enough force to quite painfully embed his head into it. He didn't even try to move. Playing dead worked with mountain lions, right? Or was that bears? Who cared? Hijikata was a wild beast, so as long as Yamazaki didn't' make any sudden movements he just might make it out alive.
"You know, you just said all of that out loud," the words were spoken quietly but with a dark edge that seemed to summon the very hounds of hell themselves. Yamazaki didn't remember much after that once the first kick to his backside landed.
Hijikata cut a wide swath of terror through Kabuki-chou. Men, women, children, and even animals scurried out if his way. One look at the thunderous expression on his face and the barely contained violence radiating from his body and everyone knew to stay out of his face. He was a razor sharp sword waiting for an excuse to cut someone down. And it was all that stupid gorilla's fault. Just thinking about it made a vein bulge angrily in his forehead. He was only glad that dick Sougo was out on a mission. If that sadist got wind of this, things would go from bad to ohmyfuckinggod! in a heartbeat.
It didn't take him long to find the crowd. The bright green K-SPOOG van parked at the front told him he had the right place. Taking a deep, steadying breath he took a few steps forward, but couldn't help but shudder to a stop when a voice rang out over the loudspeakers that were set up around the area.
"And now, the First Annual Edo 'Braid Your Butt Hair for Charity ' Contest will begin. Are you ready for some rip roaring, butt-hair braiding action?"
The crowd erupted in cheers, whistles, jeers and raucous laughter. Judging by the strong scent of sake permeating the area, Hijikata would place odds that a high percentage of the spectators were drunk off their ass. It made sense, in a sick twisted way. Because, unless you were piss drunk, why the hell would you want to see someone else's freaking ass hair? Or, show your ass to a bunch of strangers? What a bunch of sick fucks. Glancing over at the stage that had been rigged up for the occasion, a familiar face caught his eye and he gritted his teeth in fury. Kondo-san. Commander of the Shinsengumi. Hijikata's boss. The reason he was at this disgusting display and the sickest fucker of all. He started moving forward again. He had to get Kondo-san out of there before someone recognized him. It would be especially bad if—
"Oya, oya. If it isn't Oogushi-kun."
Feeling like he had just swallowed a box of needles, Hijikata twisted on his heel to meet the lazy gaze of his nemesis. The bane of his existence. The scourge of Edo. That silver-permed, no-good, nose-digging, deadbeat, "Hey, hey, you're hurting Gin-san's feeling, Oogushi-kun." "Get out if my inner monologue, you dead fish-eyed bastard! And stop calling me that fucking name already!" sugar-addicted yorozuya: Sakata Gintoki. The man stood there absently picking his nose with his pinky, while an ice cream graced his other hand.
He cringed. Dammit! This bastard was the last person he wanted to see right now. Not just because it would give the asshole more ammunition to mock them, but the plain fact was any time he ran into Gin he always got tangled up in some kind of stupid mess. The other man was a magnet for trouble and, like a black hole, sucked in everyone with him. If he didn't get away from Gin quickly, he could very well lose his chance to snatch Kondo-san and get the hell out of there.
Swallowing his irritation, he forced his lips to stretch into a grimace of a smile and said with false politeness, "If you will excuse me, I have things to attend to so why don't you run along home now like a good boy before I arrest you for interfering with official police business."
He turned away, preparing to put the yorozuya out of his mind, but a bruising grip on his shoulder stopped him.
"Bastard, don't think I'm going to let you walk away after talking to me like that," Gin growled and used the hold he had on Hijikata to spin him around. Leaning into Hijikata so that they were just inches apart, Gin continued his tirade, a muscle twitching in his cheek as spoke.
"Who do you think you are, you damn mayo-bastard?"
As always when they were this close, Hijikata got a whiff of strawberries and something else sweet as Gin's breath wafted over him. It never failed to make him feel jumpy and on edge, like his stomach was all in knots. Or maybe get just needed to use the toilet. Yeah, that was probably it. Still, he had already been pissed off and, contrary to the talk he had just given himself, he gave in and fisted his hand in the front if Gin's kimono. The silver haired idiot just pushed all his buttons.
"I don't think, I know I'm the man who is five seconds away from giving you a beat down if you don't take your hand off me," Hijikata pushed his face into Gin's so that their noses were almost touching.
"Hah? A comedian? Are you a comedian now? Or has all that mayo rotted your brain? There's no way you could even put a scratch on me," derision colored Gin's voice.
Hijikata opened his mouth to hurl another insult, but stopped when he noticed the odd glow in Gin's eyes and the slight flush on his cheeks. Unwillingly, his own eyes were drawn down to the other's lips, now parted from his vocal exertions. He was drifting forward before it hit him what he had been about to do. Shit! What the fuck was wrong with him? Jerking his head back, he released his hold on Gin's kimono. He needed to put some distance between them. Needed to remember what he came there for. Needed—
"Alright, before we get started, let's give a shout out to our sponsor who made the First Annual Braid Your Butt Hair for Charity Contest possible, radio station 98.3 K-SPOOG."
Another round of applause followed this announcement. Crap, he didn't have time to be jacking around. Kondo-san was his priority, not fighting with the yorozuya.
Once more he started to turn away, and once more his progress was halted by the devil's spawn known as Sakata Gintoki.
"Braid your what? ! Bwahahaha," Gin laughed riotously before smothering it with a cough. "I'm sorry, Hijikata-kun. I'll let you get back to your ... entertainments. Never pegged you for the kind of pervert who liked looking at butt hair, but it takes all kinds."
Hijikata looked at his smirking, knowing face and saw red.
"I'm not here to look at other people's ass hair!" he shouted, hand already reaching for his sword.
Blinking innocently, Gin took a long, leisurely lick of his ice cream before nodding wisely. "Ah, I see. You're here to participate then. Well, if my ass was hairy I personally wouldn't want the world to know but, hey, I applaud your guts."
Gin clapped him on the shoulder as he spoke the last sentence. Practically frothing at the mouth, Hijikata unsheathed his sword and sliced it downward.
"My ass isn't hairy, you fucking retard!" the words were hurled with the same force in which he swung his weapon. Gin's wooden sword was there to meet the blow, deflecting it before coming back with one of his own.
"Bastard," he hissed, "you made me drop my ice cream. You're going to pay for that, mayo-freak!"
With a harsh laugh, Hijikata parried Gin's attack and launched another round. Steel and wood clashed, giving off sparks as the two men traded blow after blow.
"That ice cream was probably just an excuse," Hijikata finally said, panting as he narrowly evaded a jab to his kidneys. "You were in this area because you were planning to participate in the contest, weren't you, you damn sugar addict?"
"My ass isn't hairy either, shithead!" Gin hollered, ducking to avoid a particularly nasty swing that would have decapitated any other man. "My ass is so smooth, the Silk Shogun wanted to patent my butt and name a new brand of fabric after me."
Jumping out of the way of a vicious kick aimed at his left shin, Hijikata replied loudly, "Well, my butt is so smooth the Jazz Shogun wrote a tribute song to it and had a brass French Horn cast in the shape of my ass."
"Mine' smoother. I'll bet you a month's supply of mayonnaise, " Gin yelled, dropping his sword and barreling head first into Hijikata's stomach, knocking them both to the ground.
"No, mine is," Hijikata argued, rolling them over and punching Gin in the face. "I'll bet you a month's supply of ice scream."
"Oh yeah?" came the sneering response as Gin head butted him and reversed their positions.
"Yeah!" Hijikata spat, viciously pinching the other man's side.
"PROVE IT!" they both screamed in unison.
"Fine," Gin ground out, pulling himself off Hijikata.
"Fine," Hijikata echoed angrily as he got to his feet and brushed the dirt and debris from their tussle off his uniform.
"Follow me then," Gin said curtly, barely sparing Hijikata a glance.
"Where?" he asked, just as curt.
"My place, dumbass. Unlike you, I don't fancy the idea of baring my backside to all and sundry."
Biting his tongue, Hijikata gave him the barest of nods. It would only be much, much later that he would realize he had forgotten all about Kondo-san.
A/N Continued: So, should I be worried? Am I sick? Do I need psychiatric help? Inquiring minds want to know. Anyway, have I ever mentioned how much I adore Gintama? I do. I have for years. I just can't believe there isn't more love out there for it. Well, I will continue to do my best to infect, um er spread the love around. Thank you to everyone who continues to comment on my other HijiGin stories. I'm glad you enjoy the humor. I promise, I will finish "When you have hairy buttocks..." I just had that massive writer's block and then some personal junk in the middle of it, and I completely lost where I was going with it. For this one, I am trying to decide whether to go full lemon or not. I haven't made up my mind. The 2nd part is actually almost completed. I just have to make that decision...