Originally this started out as a oneshot, but then I ended up writing down so many notes for possible witty dialogue between Shawn and Gus that i couldn't resist making this into a full-length story! This will be semi-crack at the very least, and I will let you guys decide if you want it to go into AU territory or stay mostly canon but with a phony psychic detective and his amigo mejor inserted in.
Also, let me know in reviews if you want this to turn into a murder mystery. This takes place during Order of the Phoenix, and Shawn is dating Jules at this point. Let's just pretend Harry Potter takes place in modern time instead of the 90's.
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to anything Psych or Harry Potter related besides my pineapple and the Gryffindor banner in my room. Only the first paragraph is taken directly from Order of the Phoenix. I also don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Olive Garden, Star Wars, Final Fantasy, or White Castle.
Chapter One: Those Two Guys
"The Ministry has the right to appoint a suitable candidate if - and only if - the headmaster is unable to find one," said Dumbledore. "And I am happy to say that on this occasion I have succeeded. May I introduce you?"
He turned to face the front doors, through which night mist was now drifting. Harry heard two pairs of footsteps, and then two unfamiliar faces emerged from the fog.
The first guy was a young brunette man, probably in his early thirties, with hazel eyes darting about as if they were noticing things unseen to this world; he was smirking deviously. The second man was of the African persuasion and was much calmer than his companion, his eyes focused on what was directly in front of him rather than whipping to and fro like a hyperactive chipmunk on smack trying to whip its hair back and forth. The former man had a head full of hair whereas the latter man was bald, and both were attired in Muggle clothing.
After much staring at the "poorly dressed" strangers (wizards needed better fashion sense), the brunette finally shared their identities. "My name is Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, and this is my magic assistant, Sunflower Nudeglory."
"I don't like this, Shawn. That Umrbidge woman has been eyeballing me this entire breakfast!" Gus complained to Hogwarts's new Divination teacher the next morning. The two newbies were sandwiched between Umbridge and Snape at the staff table, and neither of detectives enjoyed how both malevolent teachers resembled Lassie in the way that they all seemed to despise Shawn...Of course, the day before Shawn had told Snape to invest in something called Head and Shoulders, but even so, that didn't mean Umbridge also had a reason to act like her wand was shoved up her butt instead of steady in her hand.
Shawn wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Maybe she's got a thing for black pharmaceutical salesmen, Gus," he muttered, making sure the toad did not overhear.
"Shawn, there is no way that vile woman is hitting on me!" Gus protested, taking a sip of milk. Then he paused to consider the facts. She did seem like the cougar tupe, with her definitely defunct wardrobe and the toad-like appearance...Gus did a genuine spit-take as he realized that maybe she was hitting on him. The milk splattered all over a second year Slytherin, but seeing how Shawn and Gus had yet to be sorted, this could not cause any inter-House riots.
Shawn gave his buddy a comforting pat on the shoulder. Gus relaxed a tad, but Shawn shattered his calm entirely by whispering, "You'd totally be able to get her, buddy. I'm telling you, one date at Olive Garden-"
"Okay, okay, you can be a cheapskate and go to White Castle for some romantic sliders, just be sure to bring tea, biscuits, crumpets, and Pepto-Bismol, since I'm almost positive the Brits here have weak stomachs...What exactly is a crumpet, anyway?"
Gus, as always, answered, "It's a savory griddle cake, Shawn. They're quite popular here in Britain."
Shawn rolled his eyes. "Oh, Gus, I never knew you were a closet posh. Just remember, wanting to be British does not mean you should stop brushing your teeth and have seventeen cups of Earl Grey each day." He downed another spoonful of scrumdiddliumptious banana pudding. "So, my British chum," he spoke in his best imitation of Terry Gilliam. Hey, if they were going to be in Britain then Shawn wanted to milk his many British accents for all they were worth. "Answer me these questions three, and then we shall be off to the kitchen to pilfer us some pineapple smoothies in the name of the Knights of the Round Table. What...is the name of that dish to your left?"
Shawn wasn't bothering to keep quiet anymore, and it showed: Umbridge was gawking at Shawn as if his mouth had just farted and his butt had just burped, and Snape's surly look transformed into a full-out sneer as he slowly and deliberately swallowed forkfuls of haggis. Gus decided to roll with Shawn's movie reference that clearly, unfortunately, went over everyone else's heads. "That's steak and kidney pudding."
"Indeed, my good chap..what is its quest?"
"To be eaten..."
"What...is its favorite color?"
This was too much for poor Gus to handle. "It's a pudding, Shawn! It has no color preferences!"
"Nay!" cried Shawn, standing to desert his friend with the cougar and the cretin. "Thou art full of codswallop! I leaveth ye!"
Gus suddenly realized the consequences of being left behind and stood to join Shawn on his journey to the mysterious kitchen, but before the duo could leave, the toad blocked their path. "What is thy bidding?" queried Shawn, now using his deepest voice imaginable.
Umbridge's smile reminded Shawn of poisoned Halloween candy that parents always warned their kids about, but Umbridge managed to keep her tone to its "I'm speaking to my kindergarten class about how they suck at tying their shoes" range. "I just thought you should know your first inspection is on Friday, Professor Spencer, so you should-"
"Goody gumdrops!" the fraud psychic interrupted the undersecretary of whatever government agency she worked for (Shawn had his money on the CIA, since she was the last person he'd suspect to be a spy, and therefore the most likely to actually be one). "I'll be sure to prepare a frickin' awesome lesson and get a batch of housefly crumpets from the kitchen for you...assuming crumpets aren't just some British urban legend I've heard about." he thumped her hard on the back. "Jolly good day, Umbritches!"
From their seats at the Gryffindor table, Harry, Ron, and Hermione gaped along with the rest of the table in shock and awe. Ron was the first to voice his amazement. "Did the new professor just..."
"Thump Umbridge on the back and offer her bugs?" supplied Harry. "Yep. He sure did."
"I officially have a new favorite teacher!"
Shawn overheard the last part as him and Gus walked out; he smirked. "This'll be fun!"
Gus, on the other hand, was slightly nervous. "Let's just hope they don't ask us to perform magic."
"Hey, it's not our fault we're Moogles."
"It's Muggles, Shawn!"
Up next: What will happen for Shawn and Gus next? Will they meet our favorite Gryffindors Will they verbally abuse the Slytherins? Will they be Sorted into Hogwarts houses? Will Shawn reference multiple 80's movies? All in good time, my good man...
Shawn has to be the easiest character for me to write. Great minds think alike!