I feel like crap...a girl at my school got hit by a train today. I didn't know her too well, but I've had a few conversations with her before and I'm friends with her sister...R.I.P.
I had this written up before it all happened, so no point in not publishing just because of this. You guys won't be getting to see Harry's class, though. I ended up adding all that section's funny parts into this chapter...which isn't that funny, in my opinion.
I don't own Psych, Harry Potter, Inception, Lord of the Rings, Batman, Star Wars, The Muppets, or Winnie the Pooh.
Italics are either Shawn's psychic visions or dream sequences.
Bold is author's notes.
Chapter Three: B.S. 101
From his seat in front of the class, Shawn waved his hands around a crystal ball (he had personally spit-shined it earlier, much to Gus's disgust). "Welcome...to DIVINATION!"
It was Shawn's first class of the year, and unfortunately the class was entirely composed of Slytherin students. Shawn, however, was undaunted; after all, he did have previous experience with teaching arrogant brats, back at that academy for kid geniuses. When he told Dumbledore this back during the job interview, he had kind of failed to mention how the job had only lasted a few days.
But if he had tried to fail, did that mean he had actually succeeded? Can one succeed at failing, or is it too absurd of an oxymoron?
That's inception for you.
Shawn's eyes flickered from student to student, searching for things to "sense." Gus, meanwhile, hung by the door to Shawn's office, munching on Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean. While he waited for Shawn to begin (and finish) teaching, he took another glance at the new decorations: that "Hang in there" cat poster was on the left wall, along with a Gandalf poster and a chart on texting lingo. The students were giving the right wall incredulous looks because Shawn had congealed Dumbledore into turning it into a mural of Batman and Darth Vader dueling with umbrellas on the Eiffel Tower.
"That's absurd," Snape had drawled snarkily upon seeing it.
"So is your face," Shawn had retorted.
Back in the present, Shawn finished scanning his target, a rat-faced, tow-haired prick with an upturned nose and a smug smirk. Overall, he reminded Shawn of a ferret. "Does anyone have any questions before we begin? I will answer all your queries."
"Unless you ask about his dinosaur fetish," Gus chimed in.
Shawn sighed. "Now, now, not in the classroom environment!"
A brunette girl with a pug nose spoke first. "Why is Nudeglory here?"
"My name's not Nudeglory!" Gus exclaimed. "It's-"
"Sunflower is here because he is my psychic assistant," Shawn interrupted. "I need him in case I have dry cleaning that needs fetching, spills that need moping - you get the gist."
Now rat-face spoke. "What are you?"
"Excuse me?" said Shawn.
"Pureblood, half-blood, Mudblood-"
"Why would I have dirt in my arteries?" Shawn questioned, the same time that Gus said, "Whoa!" and slammed his bag of magical jelly beans on Shawn's desk, totally misinterpreting what kind of racist the prat was being. He stomped toward rat-face. "Are you insulting my people? You really going there?" Gus beckoned to Blaise Zambini, who was skulking in the back. "Help a brother out!"
Draco still didn't understand the problem. "What did I say?"
Shawn shook his head mournfully. "I didn't know Britain was still into that white supremacy stuff-"
"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Draco smacked his pasty forehead against his textbook. "I'm talking about magical lineage, not skin color!"
"...Oh," said Gus. Well, eh felt like a putz. "You'll have to forgive us and our uneducated ways." At this rate, they'd discover their Muggle identities within hours!
"To answer your question," said Shawn, "we're Muppets."
"Muggles," corrected Gus.
"I've heard it both ways."
"No, you haven't."
The pug-nose didn't bother raising her hand this time. How rude! "Alright, prove you're a psychic then!"
It was on, then! Shawn peered at the girl, checking every minuscule detail.
Barely visible grass stains red spot on neck mussed hair in back towards the right and pushed up blade of grass between textbook and notebook
Shawn raised two fingers to his temples. "It's nice to know you and your boyfriend are having fun, but next time pick a better hiding place than behind the bushes in the courtyard...What was your name again?"
The girl was scowling, but her sneer couldn't hide her embarrassed blush. "Pansy," she muttered.
Shawn snickered. Draco, meanwhile, pointed at Gus. "What about him? What can he do?"
Shawn popped a squat on Draco's tea table; it creaked and groaned like a mummy in a B-list horror flick beneath him, but it did not topple. "You see, it's Sunny's snack time, and if you interrupt it he becomes grumpier than Eeyore." Confused silence followed this. "...What, none of you have seen Winnie the Pooh? You guys make me sad."
Draco snorted. "He's a Mudblood, isn't he?"
Shawn rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around Draco's shoulders. "Ah, you remind me of myself when I was your age...except I wasn't a rat-faced douche bag with no friends."
Reviews? They're nice. If I could taste a review, I bet they'd go down like liquid white chocolate, only fat free so I wouldn't get sick afterwards.
EDIT: School was so eerie today... The hallways were silent.