Like Juggling Snowballs through Hell

The assembled first years were quite taken aback to see a large group of fifth, sixth and seventh years striding through the entrance to the Great Hall. They stood back rather in awe; their little faces lighting up when they saw Harry, and looking quite confused when Neville appeared with his entourage. Nonetheless, they made way, and the group of them walked up to the Sorting Hat.

"Hat," Harry said, politely.

"Lord-Baron Potter-Black," the Hat replied.

"You mind if we take this from here? We got a little knowledge of our own to drop."

"All good, my man. After a thousand years, I'm just mailing it in at this point."

Harry turned and faced the student body. He then touched a finger to the Gryffindor crest on his cloak and watched as it disappeared. A loud cheer went up from most of the students, which Harry encouraged. The other newly-minted Pottermore students touched their crests with their wands, and they stood as a group, arms crossed, wands out.

"Yo Hogwarts, make some noise!" Harry began, and the assembled student obliged. "You may know him from the greenhouses. Ladies, you may know him from your dreams. His bottom isn't the only thing that's long. Ladies and gentlemen, Lord! Neville! Long-bottom!"

Neville turned to the sorting hat.

"Yo, hat, gimme a beat." The hat did so, and Neville cast a Sonorus charm and began his song.

Aaaah! You can't stand it, you know I planned it

We're gonna set it straight, so haters hate

Dumbledore fucked us, then hit the road

Along with Umbridge, that fucking toad

So I'mma do my thing I'm just straight clownin'

And Hogwarts just can't hold me down

The school houses - there used to be four

But Oh my God, we're Pottermore!

The other Pottermore students chimed in at this point

Listen all y'all, we're Pottermore

Listen all y'all, we're Pottermore

Listen all y'all, we're Pottermore

Listen all y'all, we're Pottermore

Neville continued.

So, so, so listen up if you want to find us

We'll be on the boat that's right behind ya

We're not Hufflepuff, not Gryffindor

That's right, y'all, we're Pottermore.

Neville turned to the Head Table, stretching his arms out in a questioning manner. He then turned back around to face the student body, snapped his finger, and he and the rest of Pottermore house walked out of the entrance hall, and back toward the boat, to raucous applause.

High-fives and back-slapping went around the group as they ambled back on to Neville's yacht.

"Did you see the looks on the professors?" Ron asked. "They didn't know what hit them. I thought McGonagall's face was going to pucker in on itself."

"I thought Snape was going to concuss himself, as many times as his head hit the table," Hermione chimed in. "Poor dear."

"Poor dear?" Ginny asked. "Really? That greasy-headed no-good death-eating bastard?"

"Yes, poor dear. He has no idea he's going to die this year, does he?"

The back-slapping and general grabassery stopped, and somewhere, a record player's needle slid across an LP.

"Oh," Hermione said, feigning surprise that she'd brought the room to a halt. "Was I the only one who'd sussed that out"

"God, you're sexy when you get all deductive," Ginny said, breathlessly, as the whole room watched their conversation. "How's it going to happen?"

"Elementary, my dear scullery wench," Hermione replied, swatting a blushing Ginny's ass playfully. "If he's lucky, Snape's going to have to cash in that life-debt he owes to Harry's father by the time ol' Tommyboy comes around. But, more likely is that he says something stupid to Harry and/or Neville during Potions class, and one of them just offs the bastard."

Ginny was fanning herself furiously. "You just figured that out from - Oh my. Um, excuse us, guys. We'll be in my bunk."

By this time, the revelry had returned, and a party atmosphere had taken over the yacht. Harry, Tonks and Neville (with Su and Lisa) were watching the goings-on in a make-shift VIP section, nodding their heads to the music and smiling. Their moment of sublime cool was interrupted, however, by a rock thrown against one of the portholes.

"Yo Nev, you got this, G?"

"I'm on it."

Neville walked above decks and looked to the shore, where he saw three first-years with purple sequin ties standing with their arms crossed and their heads bobbing in time.

"Permission to come a mother fucking board, Pimp?"

Neville nodded his head, and the three first-years scrambled onto the yacht's forecastle.

" 'Sup?" Neville asked.

" 'Sup?" the same first-year answered. "We got sorted Pottermore, playboy. Where's our bunk?"

Neville chuckled a bit, and then opened the hatch to the bridge, leading the three first-years to a bemused Harry and Tonks.

"So," Harry began, upon seeing the firsties' uniforms, "Our colors are purple and… sequin? And our badge has a platypus wearing a pimp hat and feather boa holding what looks like Lucius Malfoy's cane?"

"Sounds about right," said Tonks. "What were you expecting, a golden unicorn that shoots rainbows out of its ass?"

"Yeah, I suppose." Harry then addressed the youngsters. "And who are you supposed to be?"

"We just got sorted Pottermore, G. My name's Oliver. This here's Penelope, and the bloke behind her is Peter."

Penelope and Peter waved, and then Penelope shot a wink at Lisa, holding her hand up to her ear mimicking a telephone, mouthing "Call me."

"Yeah, I suppose you were," Harry said. "So, I suppose we're going to have house points and a head of house and all the rest of that nonsense, too? Oh well. Anyway, we still have this bitchin yacht. Why don't you kids go join the party, and we'll get the house elves to figure out your berthing. Oh, are any of you muggleborn?" Harry asked, and Penelope raised her hand.

"Of course you are. Let me guess, Half-blood and Pureblood, too, right, fellas?" The boys nodded, and Harry shook his head, chuckling. "Anyway, Elves are real, Penelope, so don't lose your shit when you see them, okay?" Penelope nodded, and the three of them made a bee-line for the Butterbeer cooler.

"So, classes tomorrow, huh?" Neville says, out of the blue.

"Yeah, classes," Harry replies. "You really think one of us is going to kill Snape this year?"

"I'm running 5/2 on Harry before Boxing Day. Neville's got longer odds, but his are before Hallowe'en," Tonks pipes up.

"You going to put a line on someone else offing him?" Harry asked. "Remus's got an itchy trigger these days. I think he's about one smart-ass remark away from AK-ing people just for sport."

"Yeah, but he's a professor again, so he can't –"

"Wait – what?" Neville asked. "When did this happen?

"Well, you lot did need a head of house, didn't you?"

Harry turned to Neville and high-fived him.

"Neville, I think this was a good day."

Neville looked up from what he was doing to respond.

"And I didn't even have to use my AK."