I shouldn't feel this way.
I shouldn't look at them and feel this way.
They are my siblings; they are my family, my brothers and sisters and friends. I shouldn't look upon the love they have found in each other with such… anger. I shouldn't envy them the subtle touches and deep looks or they're tight hugs and sweet kisses. I should be happy thy have found each other… I should be joyous to bare witness to their love…
I should be content to sit in this plastic chair, in this square space filled with the insistent chatter-mental and audible-of all these human children accompanied by the sound of them munching and chewing their food. I should be content to sit with Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper in this pallid cafeteria and watch their love filter through our human disguise so easily…
I should be content and grateful.
Oh gosh… they are all so beautiful…
Those girls have got to be the most gorgeous…
Swim suit models…
That boy with the gorgeous hair… yum!
The same old mundane chatter I had to adhere to with each new high school… being the new kids was always entirely annoying each time. They would react instantly to our predatory attractiveness-females and males swooning and lusting with each sight and close encounter with us-but still remain at a subconscious distance. Their thoughts would get less aggressive with time and settle on a little noticing when we passed… for most…
We were really hoping to stay longer here. Forks weather and small community were all to perfect for us. The perfect getaway from being a vampire for a few years… the perfect getaway from being completely alone in a house full of people.
Why so glum? Alice asked, frowning a little-her ash nose scrunching up and thin purplish lips pulling down.
I shook my head one-a slow turn to the left and then relaxed my posture again. It could have easily been mistaken by the others as a sigh but she knew what it meant. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't have the words to voice it out to her with out sounding… jealous and depressed. Because maybe that was what I was but my pride would never let me anyway… my torturous pride that was probably the reason I was here… alone… holding the ever burning candle to light the love of my siblings…
The thought that I had to this over and over again forever was beginning to dawn on me with this new turn in the century. With this new species of human the nineties had spewed forth; a much more selfish, vindictive, shallow, obtuse, immoral version of the previous mortals. It fascinated me how they had become more skilful in wrapping their sin in coats of self righteous intention… as long as they had eradicated slavery and stopped killing the Jews-they were good. Anything else was collateral in this day and age…
He must be shy a soft thought filtered through the sound of the admiring sex laced fantasies of the rest of my English classmates. I started a little, slightly surprised to view my face from the anonymous girl's thoughts. I wasn't some runway model sent back to school by the Armani fashion house to test a theory on brains and beauty (I had chuckled when I had heard this particular thought in biology-very original)… I was a pale boy, gazing out at the dark sky and frowning sadly as though he missed his old home.
The girl felt pity for me. I turned around slowly ad raked the left side of the class for her, waiting for the moment when I saw my eyes locking with hers from her mind and uncovered her identity. I saw her-a pale small girl with dark hair and horn rimmed glasses peering up at me from her text book. Her eyes went large when they connected with mine and she dropped them abruptly back to the book-her thoughts momentarily a frenzied disorder of images and incoherent thoughts before she began compulsively re-reading the page on from her students guide to Hamlet.
I had scared her.
Direct contact with humans always did that. We were beautiful angels from afar but when we came to close and reached out-their latent instincts kicked up a fuss and like the little girl sitting quietly at the back of the class-their hearts would hammer that intricate pattern that excited out instincts and any option for us to remain angels vanished. We instantly became the demon… we instantly snatched their frail bodies and crushed them before trying to feel for that pulse in our own bodies, drinking that life force and imagining their slowing heart beats were really our own. The slow beating would momentarily replace the sound of our silent dead hearts and in that moment we would be alive… as they died.
For most vampires anyway-almost all of the population in fact-except for us select that had retained some measure of conscious in our living death. The ones who had been touched by a too compassionate man and trained the mindless vampire monster to remain at bay…so we could manage the humans beating hearts and magnetic scents-so we could sit in classrooms and repeat English Literature for the billionth time…
"Morning Class" the teacher huffed, entering the class room in a jumbled motion-suitcase dropping to the floor as she reached to shut the door behind her, stretched out red cardigan being caught in the door as she closed it, bending down to pick her suit case up and of course seeing as her cardigan is securely lodged in with the door-her movement being halted in a comical display of her reaching down for her suitcase, unable to reach it from being trapped in her cardigan and other hand reaching for the door.
If she opened the door while still moving for her suit case she is going to fall.
She does just that and stumbles forward before falling on top of her suitcase, luckily stopping her face from hitting the linoleum with her outstretched arms.
The class erupts in laughter and snickers and I am left hating being a vampire-it would have been so easy to stop this… to run over to her in a millisecond and catch her or stop her from opening the door while trying to pick her suitcase up at the same time. I know human women are under the impression they are master multitasking beings but this was just pitiful.
"Uh…" she murmurs, getting up and rubbing her hands on her loose fitting grey pencil skirt. She looks around the classroom embarrassed and tucks her hair behind her ear self consciously. "I'm your uh…"
Oh god, they look like a pack of hyenas! Oh god, what the fuck have I gotten myself into… oh god, oh god…
"I'm…" she mutters, folding her arms over her chest in a move that alerts the entire class that she is weak and can easily be walked over in terms of late assignments and lack of general respect…
My name! Say your name Leah!
"I'm your teacher" she says more audibly, nodding her head as though to confirm the matter to herself. "I'm your teacher… and my name is… Leah Clearwater"
A boy raises his hand instantly, smirking to his friends around him and winking at one girl. He was the resident popular jock… I hadn't bothered to learn of his name naturally but his thoughts…
Oh gosh, what a loser he chuckled, waving his hand petulantly at Leah Clearwater.
"Uh, yes… you" she said, pointing to the boy-the only person who had his hand up-before pushing her thick glasses up her nose.
"Hello everyone" the boy said, rising from his seat and grinning at everyone… I gathered from the rest of the children's thoughts his name was Mike Newton. The pretty popular boy of the school… his eyes met mine as he sucked in the attention around him and he frowned.
I realised he was frowning at me because I had been frowning at him.
Those Cullen's… he seethed. Freaks… think they are better than everyone and they've only been here two days…
"Well… I was just wondering" he said, chuckling lightly. I groaned before he finished voicing out his thoughts… "I was wondering if we are supposed to call you Leah or…? And aren't you a bit young to be holding a suitcase and dressing like a granny?"
Leah Clearwater's eyes went large-they were already large as it was I realised, behind the thick lese of her glasses-and she may have been blushing. It was difficult to tell with her dark skin but there was a definite reddish tint on her already russet skin.
"You…" she stammered, pushing her black straight dishevelled hair back awkwardly. "You may call me Ms Clearwater… and I am your History teacher"
"Then you are in the wrong classroom" A girl seated next to Mike sniggered. "This is English…"
"English…" she whispered, looking at all of us with new terrified eyes. We weren't just hyenas in her mind now… we were rabid hyenas and she had turned into a sacrificial lamb.
The door opened right on time and Mr Gilmore entered, suitcase secured in his hand and suit buttoned, tie positioned neatly in his collar and hair combed perfectly. He stood still in the middle of the doorway and gaped at Leah Clearwater-eyes wide and questioningly before realisation dawned on him.
The new teacher they hired from the Reservation…!
"Oh… hello there" he said smiling friendly at the terrified young woman. "You've met my mongrels…"
He waved a dismissive hand over the class and there were a few protests and hoots.
"Hope they greeted you politely and quoted some Shakespeare" he chuckled. "Do you need help finding your class dear?"
She nodded in a slightly manic way, shot the class one last terrified look before following Mr Gilmore out of the classroom. He was kind and understanding of her little confusion and was leading her down the corridor to her class of less terrifying eight graders –while giving her advice on how to manage teenagers.
The class returned to its droning sound of chatter and laughter while I watched slightly hypnotized my frowning face though the quiet girls mind at the back of the classroom.
Of all the lessons a high school offered, P.E was the worst for vampires. We were built for speed and strength at an exponential level in comparison to human beings. Movement was judged differently in our eyes, everything else was too slow or graceless. Bumbling movements through the world, floating paper bags through the air because we were stream line jets, torpedo's and human cheetah's when it came to the very movement of our limbs.
P.E was torture and a disgrace to our very capabilities. Moving like slugs in quicksand to keep up our charade, pretending not to see the stupid balls flung our way to stay out of being picked in any sporting team… and most irritatingly trying not to bump into any of the clumsy children tripping and scampering all over the place. Like blind mice on speed…
Why does he stand outside the group? He really doesn't want to be here… she thoughts. Her name was Angela Weber and she was not imagining herself in love with me as all the other girls but her constant watching over me was making me uneasy. It made me uneasy because I think I would have rather preferred she succumbed to her hormones than genuinely worry over the pale boy frowning and scowling at everything…
I saw her from the corner of my eye, watching me through her glasses and gnawing her lip worriedly. She hadn't realised that Jessica Stanley-one girl whose thoughts got louder and more vulgar about me with each passing second-was talking animatedly to her about how she thought she had seen Edward Cullen look at her in Biology…
"Angela!" Jessica hissed, punching Angela's arm and startling her terribly. She jumped back and began apologising profusely to Jessica for not listening. Her voice was low and soft-like her voice bock was still brand new from lack of usage.
"You were looking at him" Jessica accused, narrowing her eyes at Angela who blushed a little. I saw her face through Jessica's mind-Jessica liked that Angela was small and wore glasses. She liked that Angela seemed colour blind and insisted on dressing like a Christmas tree and was scared of almost everyone. She liked that Angela didn't 'dim her shine'… and didn't mind that Angela was staring at me because she thought Angela didn't stand a chance… Angela didn't have boobs she was sure, under that thick school sweater she insisted on wearing on top of her gym clothes.
Jessica Stanley had thought all these things in under five seconds-securing my theory of how self righteously vile humans were…
"So… he is so yummy isn't he?" Jessica squealed, rolling her eyes like I was some kind of new intoxicating fragrance she had smelt at a beauty store-which I was literally-and pulling out a dozen imagined images of me naked. She managed to keep my pale face but merged it with some tan actor she liked… absurd…
"He looks lonely" Angela whispered and I quickly looked away as she decided to peer at me again. "Think he wishes of his sibling were with him for P.E?"
"What…?" Jessica asked, frowning violently. "You are so weird sometimes… I want to jump his bones and you want to adopt him or something…"
"He is adopted, funnily enough" Angela said softly, smiling slightly at the irony of their conversation.
"Uh… okay…"Jessica said sceptically. "Moving on… I think Lauren has her eyes on him too. Hell, I think all the girls think they can get a shot…"
"The coach is here" Angela muttered, not feeling up to another hate conversation from Jessica. "We better head down"
I sat in my car-music playing lightly in the background-and waiting impatiently for my siblings to arrive. They always walked slow-well, human like-when coming out when I wished they would at least shuffle a little faster. This was all some adventure to them because they had each other in their classrooms to done out the humans. They didn't have the rush I always contained…
The passenger doors open simultaneously and they pile in graciously-Jasper seated shot gun as normal, to make room for his longer legs.
"Impatient" he murmured reading my emotions, grinning a little. "What's new…?"
You should try a little change in your 'school habits'. Makes it bearable…
"I've been doing this longer than you" I hissed, pulling the car out of the Forks High grounds and revving it down the tree encased road.
"Hmm, someone's touchy today" Rosalie snickered from the back. "Actually, when are you not pmsing…?"
I could have easily said the same number of years she hasn't been… but we were in the car-my car for that matter-and I didn't want our fighting to have to disrupt the others. I wasn't so selfish in that regard….
"Oh, come on Ed…" Emmett huffed from directly behind me before leaning forward to whisper uselessly in my ear. "You got to loosen up, bro…"
"Firstly" I sighed, rolling my eyes as I instinctually pulled the Volvo into the little hidden drive way that led down to the house. "Don't call me Ed… ever. I don't know how many times have to say it…"
"Okay, Ed" he laughed.
"And secondly, you don't know that I didn't loosen up" I said, frowning at their sceptical thoughts.
"Okay…" Alice said, her voice full of cynical patience. "What did you do differently, dear Edward?"
"Well…" I said, parking the car and looking back at my favourite sister. She grinned at me-little sharp white teeth gleaming without any light.
"I tripped today-on my way to P.E" I said softly and they all 'oohed' and 'ahhed' in fake wonder and admiration before roaring with laughter. I joined them freely-forgetting in that moment as our laughter brought joy to Esme's heart back in the house-how entirely different I had felt about my lovely siblings hours ago.
"Living forever has absolutely no perks or joy. It always amazes me the wonder and obsession humans go through on their quest for immortality. Did they know they were running around to look for a way to live forever-to live forever and watch every one you love die. To live for eternity to look upon the same things changed and twisted to slightly different versions of its previous self…"
"Your ranting and moaning is cutting into my enjoyment of my meal" Jasper groaned, dropping the carcass at his feet and wiping his mouth absently. I never understood why he couldn't try to control it a little more-the monster inside him-and not crush the poor elk's bones to dust inside its still living body before snapping its head(almost severing it) and drinking greedily and messily so there was blood on the grass and on his earth coated clothes.
The argument I would have to endure listening to between him and Alice over the destruction of that damn shirt…
"Dude, just live" Emmett sighed, dragging the growling and hissing lion by the tail back to us.
"A hard thing to do when you don't have a beating heart…" I mumbled but of course they heard me and they groaned simultaneously, Jasper waving a hand in the hair in defeat, his thoughts going back to Alice and the sex he was looking forward too…
"Could you keep the thoughts pg thirteen please" I sighed and he smiled shyly but failing to stop the visuals from spinning of my favourite sister. He could be worse than Emmett sometimes…
"And Emmett, just kill it and be done" I snapped.
"If you're not depressing me with your angsty jargon…"he muttered, snapping the squirming lion's neck irritably. "You're nagging me like Esme…"
"It's settled" Jasper laughed. "You're a fairy"
"I am not gay!" I hissed, growling at him before Emmett bellowed a booming laugh from behind me.
"Did you just squeal or was that an attempt at growling" Emmett chuckled, dropping his drained kill.
"Because this is how big boys growl" Jasper drawled before his low deep growl resounded through the little clearing.
"And this is how grown men growl" Emmett whispered, rounding on me and growling too, his stance changing to a low crouch-like form for fighting. They were trying to work together and trap me in a strong hold. Their thoughts kept shifting back to their partners and their unsatisfying kills to lead me away but I knew already…
I beamed innocently at both of them before jumping high up into the tree at the precise moment they decided to pounce on me and fleeting through the heights of the giant pine trees back home.
Oh, the company I had in eternity… unchangeable.
"Why do you keep looking at the Quileute History teacher?" Alice asked but it felt more like an accusation.
"I just think it is odd…" I sighed, watching the extraordinarily vertically challenged tall woman slide across the grass before finally righting her stance and skipping into the teachers lounge.
"Odd that she would be here…" I continued wearily. Alice was intensely curious even though she always knew… most of the time… "She is from the Reservation"
"Where those wolf people you and Carlisle encountered come from?" she asked, tilting her head to the side thoughtfully although she found the topic mildly interesting.
I nodded tersely and sat on the stone bench outside the cafeteria. Rosalie and Emmett were caught up in Senior English and Jasper was stuck in P.E. It would have to be Alice and me for today…
"I see your Art History class having her as an addition" Alice murmured, her eyes fluttering slightly. I peered into her mind and followed the hazy images of the girl-the young teacher, Leah Clearwater-waving at the rest of our class with a little more confidence than her first day.
Just then, Angela Weber rounded the corner, moving slowly and deliberately over the wet grass.
Why is he staring at this one NOW! Alice groaned internally.
"Hello Angela" I said abruptly.
She stopped in front of the entrance to the cafeteria, her mouth hanging open and eyes wide. Her thoughts were completely blank except for my pale inhumanly handsome face peering up at her questioningly.
"You… spoke" she finally stuttered.
"He does that sometimes" Alice sang, twirling the string of my bag.
Why are we talking to humans? Is it a game…
"uh… hello, then" Angela said, smiling shyly. "Hope you are enjoying the…"
Weather? Seriously… you are going to talk about the weather…
"It's perfect for us" I finished with the same abrupt hastiness that had caused me to greet her. her eyes widened and her cheeks turned a pale cherry pink. She nodded once, opting not to talk and rushed inside the cafeteria, her thoughts a flurry of questions and awe.
"What is it with you today" Alice hissed. "Wolf tribes and shy girls?"
"The teacher is fascinating, you have to admit" I chuckled and she agreed mentally.
"The girl… her mind is strangely honest and pure…" I said softly. "She makes English bearable"
"Okay…" Alice murmured sceptically, leaning back on my arm. "Just don't play your new game in front of everyone else… they would be most cruel"
"Aren't they always" I sighed nudging her slightly. "Always ruining any fun I manage to find"
"Last time you 'managed to find fun'" Alice giggled. "We had to pretend to die in a freak horse stampede on our farm!"
"Vampires living on a farm" I mumbled. "What rubbish…"
"What's rubbish is carrying a horse ten kilometres"
"It was injured" I whined.
"It was inured running away from the crazy vampire trying to ride it!" she snickered. "What were you thinking Edward"
"I missed it" I sighed. "Horse riding…"
"You miss too many things" she sighed, playing with my hair. "Live a little…"
"I'm dead" I grumbled.
"Then make the most of your death…"