A.N., This was a product of my intensive Hungary cosplay period, hence to first-person tense. I rarely like straight pairings but this one just held a deep attraction. I do not own Hetalia or its' characters.
The first time I saw you, was also my second.
It was an instinctive reaction, to take another look. It seemed so unreal, so impossible. I wondered if the smell of charred and burned flesh had gotten to my head and triggered a hallucination.
How could there have been such a being of purity, born amongst the darkest times in human history. In our history.
How could you have survived the flames of war at all till this day, flawless immaculacy intact, when you found yourself at my door, and my mercy.
There was something about the way you carried yourself, despite the shrill war cries sounding barely an arrow's distance away, there was something about you that rode above all that. Despite your position, despite the ragged and torn clothes you donned, despite the grime of war that had stained your skin. You carried the aura of a dove, gliding above all the simple commoners, raging war against one another, clashing swords and armor for the sake of superiority.
Some part of you just didn't know, didn't admit, or didn't accept how pathetically inept you were in those dark times.
If you ever wanted to know why I, at the top of my game, decided to help you. That was it, my dear.
I soon regretted it. I honestly did back then.
Don't deny it, you were more of a housewife than I ever was, even when the two children were still running around the place. It felt odd, that the person who couldn't even pick up a sword should be teaching me how to manage a household. From my war hardened self to the apron and skirt, of course it was difficult.
But I did it, because you told me to.
Something, I suppose it was whatever was left of the woman in me. She wanted to be like you.
So she allowed you to teach her to care for the children, she let you boss her around every now and then. She stood silently beside the piano as you played so enthusiastically, she remained silent when one of our children broke the other's heart, she abandoned her childhood confidante.
She allowed you to pin a flower in her long brown hair, and put a silver ring on her finger.
Ah... No, actually, that was me.
I had ridiculously mixed thoughts then, even though the answer I gave you was instantaneous. Because of you I'd become a lady, finally. Thanks to you I'd come to realize that even a simple, ragged, savage being like myself could be tamed.
By nothing more than the tranquility of music in my ears, and the angelic sight of the man producing such beauty.
Once in a blue moon though, I would still stare at the night sky, and suddenly wish for the feeling of grass under my body and breeze over my skin. I would hear the cattle and sheep as my dogs herded them back home from a day of grazing. I would long for the power drunken rush of wielding a sword, I would miss the scuffles with Gilbert and long for the company of someone I knew I could shove around and punch in the face, knowing that the very next day we'd still be friends. I missed having someone I could be my true self with.
It was then that I realized, the woman you wanted me to be, wasn't me.
I was born a Nomad, my love. Nothing can change the blood in my veins.
But, there I stayed, by your side. I couldn't leave you, despite my yearning, despite the life I missed dearly. Despite all of myself, I remained by your side. Hiding my screams, and playing the quiet supportive wife you'd always wanted.
Because, my love for you anchored me there. Steadfast, rooted... Jaded.
Don't be silly Roderich, my darling... I always knew Ludwig was special.
I suppose you forgot one thing about creating me in your own image. I would be able to read your mind like a book, my dear, every gesture, every expression, every stuttered word, and every mistake during your piano practice.
I knew he was special. I wasn't the only one who knew.
He knew it too.
That night when you asked, I told you I'd fell and hurt my arm. You bought the story with a smile and a kiss, telling me to be more careful.
I was silently glad Ludwig recovered from that savage fight we had before you got to see him again.
Ah... It's getting harder and harder to write this now Roderich... Help me please...
I held on to you. I didn't want to let go my love, I was being so selfish, I'm sorry... So, so sorry Roddy, I... I just figured that, as long as I didn't say anything, I'd already given him my stand, and he'd understood. Now that I think of it I was terrible to him Roddy, he understood, he understood everything. I could tell that he loved you too my dear, and... That's why the fight began. I was jealous, so, so jealous... Why he could be the person that was so mature and tolerant, the almighty one who gains respect from all, and I... I can't even keep a hold on the one person I hold dearest.
Fists flew. I ended up with a broken arm, he walked away with a little more than that. With the shape I've been in after our marriage began, how could it have been possible for me to escape with just a broken arm if a man like him really wanted to defend himself?
I was bitter, Roderich, so so bitter.
You had shaped me in your own image, my dear husband. Then, you went to reshape yourself in his likeness.
I know, I know how that feels. I know how much love there must have been behind an act as such, giving up who you are in order to fit into the world of another person.
After all, I've been through the same.
No one has ever loved me the way you did my dear. Not only did you love me, you made me love myself a little more. But... Those days are gone. We're not the same anymore, things have changed, the neighboring countries have settled down, you don't need me anymore.
I don't want you to need me anymore.
That's why, Roderich, I'm giving up on us, and the only hope I have left, is that you'd forgive me for not leaving you sooner.
I love you Roderich, but you're not mine.