I spaced out after revealing that last tid bit.
"James?" Kendall snapped. "James! What do you mean by that?"
"Why isn't he answering?" Carlos asked in a panic.
Why wasn't I answering? I could hear them perfectly well but I was freaking out. Why? Was I making too big a deal out of nothing?
There were worse situations out there dealing with misplaced identity. People literally forgot who they were due to amnesia. I don't have amnesia. I just fooled myself into believing I was somebody else and now I don't know who the real me is. Is that a legit problem?
A rough shaking of my shoulders snapped me out of all inner thoughts. I blinked up at my friends hoping the terror I was feeling wasn't showing.
"What is wrong James?" Kendall asked, voice more filled with concern now.
"I-I feel like I don't know who I am anymore."
"But you still know your name and everything right?" Logan asked.
I nodded numbly. "Am I really a vain person or a kind hearted one?" I questioned in my frightened child voice.
"I don't know James." Kendall responded. "You're going to have to tell us. We haven't seen the less vain you in a long time. But what I do know is that you've always been kind hearted. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"But I've hurt so many girls. So many that you tried to break me up with the only girl I've truly liked in a long time."
Guilt crossed over their faces and I immediately felt bad.
"No, no, no! This isn't blame for you it's for me. You wouldn't have felt the need to do that if I wasn't so…awful. Who pretends to be such a…jerk."
How could I have acted so heartless? And though I don't blame Tori for anything…how could she have asked me to pose as such a character? I was so wrapped up in the act that I took things too far. If people found out it were all pretend it would be worse than staying narcissistic.
They would hate me for purposefully playing with their emotions; for being a stuck up jerk who was looking out for no one but himself and his girl to be. They would hate Tori too. She played a major part in this. All the people we pretended to like, all the people we hurt just to be together forever…it was a horrible plan made my kids who didn't even really know what love was. But as we grew older we should've stopped. We should've known what the right thing to do was. It should've ended.
If we could make it this far with acting we probably could've have made it even farther with honesty. Much less pain would have been involved. If we were truly meant to be together it would've happened on its own. There is no guarantee with love and you can't force it either.
I know it's truly meant to be and I know we love each other but…we should have gone about it a better way. If only I could see what the other path would've been like. If only I could go back in time and change it all. Then maybe I would know who the real me is.
But then…maybe this was supposed to happen. Your path is molded by your choices or some crap like that. Maybe all of these emotions together is the real me. Kendall was right. Underneath the vain person I was always still caring to those closest to me.
I acted like a terrible actor so Camille could have the pleasure of teaching me. I acted like I didn't get the part so she wouldn't be heartbroken over it. And I even threw away Heather Fox's number for Carlos. I also went way over board on Katie when she wanted to go see the hottest make out movie of the year with Kyle.
I knew I did care…but who said you couldn't care about people and your looks at the same time? Maybe under all the acting it wasn't acting. I was this way because it was meant to be. I was a mesh of both the James characters I thought I was portraying. But they weren't really characters at all where they? It was just ME. How could I have expected the guys to accept the real me if I couldn't so myself? That was all I needed to realize who I was.
Yes what Tori and I did was wrong. Way wrong but the past cannot be changed. And now that we are together I'm looking toward a brighter future. There was still one thing I had to know though.
"How do you not hate me?"
"What?" The guys asked in exasperation.
"How after all I did do you not hate me?"
"You were misguided." Logan finally answered after a while of silent pondering. "You thought it was the only way to be with the girl of your dreams. You were young when it was thought up and since you were young you thought it was right. You grew up thinking it was right. Since no one else knew about it no one could tell you otherwise. And we dealt with your narcissism. It was just a part of you I guess."
"And I think it still will be." I concluded. "I am both the James' I acted as now. I cannot tell them apart because they are both me. We are bonded."
The guys nodded.
"The only reason you ever even knew something was wrong was because someone told you so now." Kendall said. "Had we not discovered the truth you would never have know otherwise."
I sighed heavily. "The words you speak are true."
"Why are you talking like that?" Carlos made a funny face while the rest of us laughed.
"Thanks guys. Now I do know who I really am. I am Me."
"You know that last sentence makes no sense right?" Logan concluded.
I laughed. "Oh Logan. Always so…correct."
"What's so wrong about that?"
"Nothing, nothing." We answered.
"Well guys…Me, Myself, And I have a little more self figuring out to do. Catch you later."
As I walked out of the room I heard Carlos shout, "Have fun on you little find your true self mission."
I stuck out my tongue causing the guys to erupt it laughter. "Maybe he'll start meditating." Kendall joked.
As I chucked something at the back of his head I concluded I was to full of rage to meditate. Maybe that's why I should do it. But I didn't want to look stupid. I mean come on…I'm JAMES FREAKING DIAMOND!
Oh Yeah…this was definitely the real me.