Title: Paper or Plastic

Author: The Island Hopper

Rating: PG

Category: The Looney Tunes Show/Tiny Toon Adventures crossover

Summary: All he wanted was an onion. But things were never easy. Not in this economy.

Author's Notes: Just a sort of weird send-up of the problems a lot of young college grads are facing these days. Absolutely silly one-shot.


Onion soup had sounded good. It had sounded better than anything he had in the kitchen: better than salad, better than cream of mushroom, better than carrot loaf, and a lot better than whatever the unidentifiable slop in the Tupperware container at the back of the fridge could conceivably be. No, onion soup had sounded just right. Not too thick, not too thin, not too spicy and not too labor intensive. The pepper in the shaker was plentiful, glorious garlic cloves greeted him in the vegetable drawer, and the butter sat beckoning on the top shelf of the fridge. He even had some chicken broth that was about to expire, and that sealed the deal.

All he needed was an onion. Just one. A magnificent pearly white orb of perfection, on sale for mere $1.99 a pound at the local Bargain Barn. He almost couldn't fasten his seatbelt fast enough.

The bin full of onions greeted him by the door, almost as if they'd been waiting especially for him to arrive, and he greedily bagged one before hurrying towards the check-out lane, eager to get his culinary masterpiece started. He could almost taste it.

"Bugs!" a raspy voice called seemingly from the ether, making him spin until a familiar face was located as its source.

Familiar though the face may have been, friendly its expression was not.

"Buster?" Bugs returned in surprise upon catching sight of his former protégé.

Buster Bunny, still a full head shorter than Bugs, glowered at his one-time mentor, arms crossed over his chest, a testy look in his eye. "You never returned my message," Buster offered sullenly.

"Really?" Bugs scratched his head, trying to remember any such message. "When did you leave me a message?"

"Ohhh, let's see…" Buster checked his watch. "About a decade ago."

A nervous smile cracked Bugs' face. "Heh. How 'bout that. It's good to see ya, kid. How's post-collegiate life treatin' you?"

"Wonderful. If you call a mountain of student loan debt accumulated courtesy of a mostly-worthless degree from Acme Looniversity and empty promises of the big time wonderful, that is."

Bugs only shrugged. "Too bad kid. Things are tough all over. Can't blame the Looniversity for that."

"Oh really?" Buster retorted, standing on his tip-toes and pointing a finger at Bugs' chest. "And can you tell me the last time you taught a class? Heck, can you tell me the last time anyone set foot on the Looniversity's campus?"

"Ok, so the whole professor thing didn't work out," Bugs said amicably with another shrug. "And I guess the whole 'university for toons' thing never worked out either. But it sounded like a neat idea at the time. What can I say? You had four years of fun, didn't ya?"

"That I'll now be paying for with inflated interest rates for the next fifty years."

"Tough break, kid. But I'm sort of in a rush – "

"What about all those jobs in cartoons you promised me? I spent four years as your understudy! You used to call me your successor!"

"Yeah. I probably shouldn't have said that. Ain't I a stinker?"

"You're certainly something," Buster muttered darkly. He sighed. "I guess there's only one question left to ask, then."

"Yeah? What's that?"

Buster adjusted his Bargain Barn apron fastidiously around him and simpered. "You want paper or plastic with that?"