It seems to be tradition for every person who writes a Touhou fic to make a self-insert OC who gets gapped and trolled by Yukari. But what if Yukari wasn't the one doing the trolling? Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you To Troll a God.

Disclaimer: I do not own Touhou.

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There's that feeling again.

This is the third time this week that I've had the sensation of being watched. Every time, it happens when I'm alone at home, usually absorbed in my fanfiction writing or PC gaming. Now, I'm not the sort of person to stick to a single genre of game. I'm actually quite experienced with all sorts of gaming styles, short of horror games, because I can't stand those.

And the game I'm playing right now? Touhou, of course. Taking a break from Subject 151 (A/N: That's right, it's me), I decide to drown myself in danmaku. Due to not being Asian, I suck at bullet hell, but somehow I managed to unlock all of the extra stages and beat them.

Of course, I can't say the same of the Phantasm. The one and only Touhou girl to evade my clutches: Yukari Yakumo. And now, I am shot down on her third spellcard. As the game over screen pops up, I once again get goose-bumps from what I nicknamed my 'sixth sense.'

Out of boredom, I say aloud, "Really, Yukari? This is getting kind of annoying. I can't focus on the game with you hovering behind me like this."

Imagine my surprise when I heard a startled yelp and a very loud thud behind me. I turned around, afraid of what I was going to see; sure enough, Yukari herself had collapsed in a heap of purple and blonde on my floor. Must have been hanging out of a gap¸ the indifferent half of my brain muttered, while my rational half screamed, WHAT THE HELL! Ignoring both sides, I got up and moved in to get a closer look.

She seemed to be in a very uncomfortable position (bent back 90 degrees), so I gently rolled her over on her back. Up until that moment, I had never considered what Yukari would look like in real life; I'd only ever seen her as an anime-ish figure. But now that I got a good look at her, I realized that she didn't look at all like she came from Japan. In fact, I thought as I brushed some of the hair from her face, she looked almost French.

And then my little moment of tranquility was shattered as Yukari's eyes flew open. In a cry of shock and anger, she drew up her legs and kicked me in the gut. I was lucky that she hadn't used all her strength, or my collision with the ceiling would have killed me.

"What the hell was that!" She cried in surprisingly fluid English. "I could have broken my neck with that little stunt of yours!"

With my ever-present nonchalant tone, I stupidly replied, "Ease up, gap hag. It's not like it would have actually killed you. Youkai can only be killed by sacred weapons, right?"

Immediately, I regretted my choice of words, and fully expected Yukari to kill me then and there. Instead, she merely bitchslapped me. "That's a load of bullshit. Anything can kill a youkai if you hit it hard enough. And even if it were true, I would still have likely been paralyzed from the neck down."

"Is that so…" I considered that fact. "Well, in any case, sorry about that. I never expected you would be real. I was just bored, trying to amuse myself, and bam, here you are. But anyway, down to business. Are you going to gap me away or what?"

With a huff of irritation, Yukari opened a portal behind her and walked through it, gesturing me to follow.

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The gap dropped me and Yukari on a small hill overlooking a crystal-clear lake. I was amazed with the view, but before i could comment on it, Yukari spoke up.

"Alright, since you've pissed me off with that little joke of yours, I'm going to be dumping you at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Do try and make sure the residents leave something for me to take back when I return for you," Yukari said.

Aw, fuck. Those loli vampires will obliterate me. And honestly, I hate the sight of blood. "Any way that I could convince you to take me somewhere else?"

"No."

"But…"

"You will get no sympathy from me for your little accident. Even Reimu would toss you to the Scarlet Devil, were she in my position. However…" She paused, a hint of annoyance flashing across her features. "I usually offer every outsider a chance to come to terms with their new surroundings… Damn it. Fine, where do you want to go?"

Yukari's abrasive nature was starting to get on my nerves. At any rate, if anyone could show me the ropes of Gensokyo, it would be… "Marisa."

Yukari gave me a look. "An odd choice, but one I am willing to grant. Have you got anything of worth on you?"

I fiddled through my pockets and brought out my wallet, a USB card, and my iPod. "That's it."

"I'll take those. And don't give me that look, you know very well that if I didn't take them, Marisa would. Now, goodbye."

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Instead of being gapped to the Forest of Magic like I was expecting, I fell face-first into a field of sunflowers. Wait, sunflowers… AW, SHIT. I was in the realm of Yuka Kazami. "You told me you were taking me to Marisa!" I roared at Yukari.

"I lied," Yukari countered, masking her malicious grin with a fan. "As I was saying, please leave something for me to take to your parents when I come back, 'kay?" And then she vanished.

I fought back the panic bubbling up in my gut, and did my best to evaluate the situation. From what I gleaned from Touhou fandom, Yuka took serious offense from people who messed with her plants, and was labeled as the Ultimate Sadistic Beast by humans and youkai alike. She also apparently has a form of telepathy with plants. Thank god I landed in a patch of bare soil, or else the flowers might be damaged, and Yuka would find me.

And so, my plan was this: I would stick to the dirt path, find some shade, and settle down for the night. Not a very good plan, but it beat doing nothing. With that in mind, I set out on my journey.

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It wasn't too difficult to locate a place to rest. I had been able to catch a glimpse of a tree roughly southeast of my landing site, and about fifteen minutes later, I was standing at its base. It was placed at a very convenient spot in the sunflower field, with one patch of ground underneath the tree supplied with constant shade throughout the entire day; I decided to create a makeshift bed out of fallen leaves and set it there. It was nearly dusk when I was finished gathering leaves, and being tired out both physically and psychologically, I simply laid out flat on my back on the bed of leaves, and let sleep take me.

XXXXX

I was awoken from my sleep with a forceful prod of a shoe to the small of my back. Startled, I leapt to my feet and backed up to the base of the tree. I figured fate was playing games with me, for Yuka had found me after only a few hours. She simply stood in one spot, hand on hip, her blood-red eyes boring into my soul.

I was too scared out of my mind to respond when she began to speak. Being an average American boy, I had no comprehension of the Japanese language and could not understand her, though the statement was evidently meant to be a question. When I didn't answer, she broke eye contact and began to stare at my body, likely taking in my strange clothes and unfamiliar facial features.

It eventually hit Yuka that I wasn't native to Gensokyo. She stepped closer and brought up a single hand to my forehead. The moment she made contact, a sensation not dissimilar to brain-freeze tore through my mind.

"…Can you understand me now?" Eventually, my senses returned to normal, and I could understand Yuka perfectly. I nodded without a moment's hesitation. "Good. I see that Yukari has brought another outsider to our realm. What is your name?"

"L-Luke Thesda," I managed to stutter. (A/N: This is as close to my real name as I am ever going to reveal. I have no intention of exposing myself.)

Yuka nodded. "An odd name, but what else can one expect from an outsider?" She turned around, gesturing me to follow. "Come, you must be freezing out here." Not wanting to risk her wrath, I did as I was told.

I followed her for a few minutes until we came across a house. It was fairly Western in design, composed mostly of bricks and possessing a few windows. Yuka stopped at the front door, fumbling with a key in her hand. Once she had it open and entered, I walked in myself, quietly closing the door behind me.

Yuka pointed to a couch in the front room. "Please, take a seat. Had you not been from the outside world, I would likely have attacked you as soon as you came into my territory, so do try not to do anything stupid, would you?" As I sat down, she walked into what must have been a kitchen, returning a minute later with a kettle and several cups. "Tea?" she asked.

"No thanks, water will do." I wasn't exactly surprised when I spoke Japanese. I figured that whatever she did with my head worked both ways. I looked around, taking in the simple yet elegant features of Yuka's home. "Nice house," I commented.

"Thanks. You know, you seem fairly level-headed in comparison to the others Yukari has sent here. Most of them would attempt to bolt for the edge of my sunflower fields, only to be gapped literally into my lap by Yukari. You can imagine how I feel about that," She gave me a wry smile. "What's more, you had the brains to avoid tampering with my flowers. I knew right away something wasn't right when Yukari left you here, but it took me a while to locate you without a sign from my children."

"I'll take that as a compliment," I said. "I'm not like most others, I prefer to think things through before I act." (A/N: Total lie.) "Likewise, you seem almost normal, nothing like the sadistic creature most people make you out to be."

Yuka gave me a look as she sipped her tea, but didn't react otherwise. "I can see why people would say that. I am actually fairly pleasant company to have around; I just really don't like it when people disturb my sunflowers. But anyways," she set down her teacup, "Now for the real reason I didn't kill you. I've been getting very annoyed by Yukari's antics, dragging outsiders into Gensokyo to be slaughtered piecemeal. I want you to break the cycle."

I paused. "Well, I don't see how I…" my rational side kicked in. "Wait, what?"

Yuka sighed. "Time and time again, Yukari drops her little pests (no offense to you, you seem to be a decent enough man) into Gensokyo. With no knowledge of danmaku or the spellcard system, they are easily defeated by wild youkai unless they can enlist the help of the locals to teach them. Even then, unless they get lucky or are exceptionally quick at learning magic, they are easy game. You're very lucky that Yukari brought you here, as nobody with in the right mind dares enter my sunflower fields."

I cringed. "She was going to send me to the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

Yuka chuckled. "I suppose you're more of the 'luck' sort of person. Anyway, All these people sooner or later end up here. I try my best to help them out, but then they piss me off when they mess with my sunflowers, usually practicing their danmaku, and I get labeled as a sadist for defending my territory. But hopefully," she concluded, gazing at me, "you will be different." She reached into her plaid vest and brought out a blank slip of paper, handing it to me.

"What is this?" I asked.

"A blank spellcard. Once you achieve some manner of proficiency with magic, you can channel it into that card create your own spell. I have more blanks, but I think it's best that you stick with just one for now."

"But I still don't know magic…" Before I could finish, Yuka threw a blanket at me.

"Get some sleep, you'll need it. Training begins in the morning."