Headquarters of the Phoenix Corporation:
The virtual existence twitched as she read more. "I heard these were popular to write, but…"
She went back a page and tried to find another one. "Seriously, three out of four of these Akatsuki kitten stories are absolutely terrible! There are rules that should be followed when you write something! I know I've said before that there are no 'rules of fanfiction,' but there is a format, and there are rules for writing in general! Don't include text talk in conversation unless you're having a character show a screen with a message to someone else or something! Keep it left aligned! Insert paragraph breaks when you switch speakers! Don't put a space between quotation marks and what is being said! Use actual grammar and SPELL CHECK, IDIOTS!" She was practically frothing at the mouth. "And the OCs! If you're going to have OCs, make them believable! Don't make the Akatsuki fall in love with them at the drop of a hat, especially if there's no reason and there's a ridiculous age difference! Pedophilia is disgusting, no matter how immortal the character claims to be! GAH! It's times like this when I'm tempted to break my own self-imposed rules on profanity!"
"Um, boss?" A head peeked in through the door. "What are you doing? I can hear the exclamation points you're talking with all the way from the monitor room. Which reminds me, we've been keeping time at a standstill in Impossible for a while; you need to get on that."
"These Akatsuki kitten stories, there's so many of them." Phoenix groaned, putting her head in her hands. "But they all sound the same, and most of them are absolutely horrific. I mean, I've read more of the stories than I should have even considered."
"What do you mean?" Goldstone lent against the wall, arms crossed loosely.
"You know how I read that guide a couple of weeks ago, and try to follow it somewhat? You know, keep to it loosely enough that I continue reading a story if it breaks one of the rules, but usually not if it breaks two? Well, with these Akatsuki kitten stories, I've even tried reading some that break three, because there are so few that don't break any, I can't find enough to read to actually get a decent grasp on the story types or get a decent enjoyment out of them." Her head was still buried in her arms.
"So, what do you want me to do? Write one yourself and meddle." Goldstone shrugged. "That's what you've done when a large number of stories have annoyed you before. Same thing goes for when you've actually liked the clichés behind a certain type of fic. Write a Fix Fic for the Akatsuki Kitten and general 'Akatsuki comes to the real world' clichés, and be done with it."
Phoenix lifted her head and stared at her subordinate. "I can't. I've got too many stories already."
"No… I'm pretty sure you can keep up. Besides, this one will be on the backburner compared to the rest anyways. Give it a shot; you know that's what you'll end up doing anyways."
Phoenix stretched in her chair, getting the kinks out of her back. "That's not the main problem, and you know it. What are the chances that I'll end up writing something completely original? What are the chances that I have an actual plot idea that involves something that won't break my own base for OCs or anything else? A story where the characters come to their own conclusions without seeming like complete idiots? How am I supposed to do that?"
"You could make it so that the one that finds them is a reader that more or less exists as a self-expy, in a base-copy world that would recognize the name of Phoenix?" Goldstone suggested.
Phoenix blinked. "Ignoring the self-expy bit, what makes you think that we could pull something like that off without irritating the readers?"
"Nuh-uh. No ignoring the self-expy. You need a self-expy. I'm not saying a full self-insert, but you need someone that'll follow logic similar to yours, or at least has as much logic as a self-insert, possibly even the Mary-Sue I was turning into before you terminated the project, would. We need to use someone that wouldn't fangirl, or this story will end up a disaster. That reminds me, you could make the one that discovers them a boy…" She trailed off and Phoenix's nose wrinkled.
Goldstone shrugged. "Yeah, that probably wouldn't work; you aren't particularly good at writing from a boy's perspective. But we can't really make our main character an idiot, or a fangirl. As for your other concern: you've meddled directly before. You're meddling in concerns to Impossible: you've even sent us out to talk to them. You wrote yourself in and directly talked to them in Advisor. I'm pretty sure there isn't going to be a big fuss if you write this. It's not like you're some insanely popular writer that's suddenly going to receive dozens upon dozens of flames for doing this. No one really cares enough to do that." She dodged the paperweight that was 'suddenly' flying towards her. She deadpanned, "Thanks, really."
"Love you too." Phoenix said. "I get it; I really do. It could work, but I'm not sure it would really work that way. I'm not sure I can do this and actually come up with something that doesn't suck."
Goldstone shrugged and then pushed herself off of the wall. "Do as you will. Just stop short-selling yourself. I may not be real, but I've heard your friends, few as they are, praise your writing skills before, and it's my job to keep you from falling into a funk like you do all the time. I'm the closest thing you have to a sense of positive self-esteem sometimes, so stop being emo on the level of an Uchiha."
Phoenix stuck her tongue out at her subordinate, and then sighed. "When in the timeline?"
Goldstone paused in the doorway. "Who are you bringing?"
"Did you really think I'd limit myself to just the Akatsuki?" Phoenix questioned with a sad smile.
"You want to save Sasuke, don't you?" Goldstone asked, and grinned when her boss shrugged helplessly. "There's a reason you're so terrible at character bashing, boss. You and your bleeding heart; at least, it is when it comes to fictional characters."
"So I prefer helping characters before they go off the deep end rather than killing them off or bashing them into oblivion. I can't be the only one."
"Or you just mock them until they all become Butt Monkeys. Still, you do that to everyone at some point, so it doesn't really matter. If you're still wondering when to toss them in from, I think just before the Kage Summit Arc should work. It should be before Danzo gets the Fire Daimyo to make him Hokage, probably before the Hachibi thing too, but definitely after Sasuke finds out about Itachi. I'll talk Nightingale into bringing the dead ones back from whatever afterlife they're in for you from within the worlds."
"He's going to hate us so much for this." Phoenix said lightly.
"You? Yes. Me? Of course not. He loves me too much for that. You aren't as awesome as I am."
"Don't mock your creator."
"Don't treat your creations like work horses."
"You barely have to do anything!"
"I'm still overworked!"
Konan and Nagato were in a misty dimension. They were, oddly enough, not looking at one another, despite Nagato's recent death. No, they were looking at the young blonde man, seemingly sitting on a floating invisible armchair, in front of them.
"Who are you?" Nagato asked, though he was slightly preoccupied by wondering at his living and healthy body. "Why are we here?"
The blonde boy shrugged, and flicked his head to the side to move his bangs, even that one random black streak, out of his eyes. "I'm Agent Nightingale of the Phoenix Corporation. As it is, the boss is probably running a bit late trying to find my associate and keep him from giving people minor psychological scarring with a freedom blast again, so you'll have to wait a while."
"A freedom blast?" Konan asked.
He shrugged again. "He jumps out of the floor, screaming 'FREEDOM!' at the top of his lungs, and runs off, laughing about how he'll never be captured by his psychotic cousin again. Of course, the cousin in question is my girlfriend, and even though I find the whole thing hilarious, she thinks it's annoying when he does that. She laughs sometimes, but he tends to give people the wrong impression about her, so she usually gives him an earful about it afterwards."
Konan and Nagato just stared at him.
"I'm not insane, and I'm not here willingly. Bringing the dead back takes a lot of energy, and I don't like doing it, because it always feels like something cold and slimy is slipping its way around my insides. It's creepy." He shuddered. "I can't eat anything for hours afterwards."
Konan and Nagato… just kept staring. The boy sighed. "You know, you'd think that, being ninja, you'd have a bit more of an open mind."
He waited a few more seconds. "Okay, mate, you died, like, three days ago. You're finally healthy enough to actually make out with your girlfriend there—" both Akatsuki leaders sputtered at that, "So go ahead and do something. If the only problem is my presence here, I can leave. Talk, make out, play a board game, I don't care. Just please don't make it so that I'm the only one that's talking or doing anything at all."
There were a few moments of silence, which were broken by a gap appearing in the mist. "Nyxus? That you?"
"No names, Goldstone!" The blonde boy shouted. "Titles only!"
"Fine, Nightingale." A girl walked sedately into the rough triangle that was formed by the people there. "Boss and Jay are almost here."
"Was he freedom blasting again?"
"What?" The girl asked. "No, we just had to get the rest of Akatsuki moved and changed, while they were all unconscious, nonetheless, and then Lady Phoenix took a few minutes to threaten Tobi with atomization so that he continues to act like GoodBoy!Tobi, rather than FakeMadara!Tobi or the normal Evil!Tobi."
"Is he going to be a problem?" Nyxus, as his name apparently was, asked.
"No. After all," She suddenly grinned, as creepy as she could make herself. "Tobi is a good boy, right?"
"Your explanation is valid." Agent Nightingale—whose earlier comments seemed to imply that he did not enjoy being called by his name during working hours—crossed his arms. "So… why are you here?"
Goldstone shrugged. "Boss sent me. Seemed to think you were teasing the guests or something."
There was silence.
"Yeah… I thought so."
"You'll give them a debriefing?" Nightingale asked. "I already brought back all the dead people I had to, so I'm dead tired, and most of them are apparently in stasis right now, so I really want to go home and take a long, hot shower and a nap."
"Sure, go home. I'll come by later and we can have dinner." She waved him off, and he disappeared with a grin on his face. She turned back to the two Akatsuki members, who had been whispering among themselves. She crossed her arms and stared them right in the eyes, first at Konan, then at Nagato.
"Okay, you guys are going to be sent to a different dimension, and you will be kittens."
"What." Nagato said, voice flat. Konan simply looked at the girl, wide-eyed.
"Kittens. Baby cats. They're the tiny adorable fluffy bundles of cuteness that you can't help but hug. Not forever, mind you; there will be ways for you to turn back, it's just that they won't all be the same, and it'll take a while for our… helper… to figure out how. You two, and the rest of Akatsuki, living, dead, and buried in random holes near Konoha, will be bought back to life if necessary, turned into kittens, and sent to a different world. We'll eventually send other people over too, but you two and two others are the only ones getting the full story. One of the others is Tobi, but that's because we need him nice and scared of Lady Phoenix so that he doesn't make trouble. He will, as a result, be staying in his good boy persona the entire time unless given our permission to do otherwise. The other person is a good friend of yours, though dead, and he, as our control over dramatic timing due to the powers of the story will allow, is coming through the mist with our boss right now." She waved a hand behind the two.
Nagato and Konan turned around and saw three figures coming out of the mist. One walked forward a bit more quickly than the others, as though nervous and anxious. Nagato and Konan stiffened when they saw just who it was. Said person smiled weakly and waved a hand, and Konan finally reacted, running forward and flinging her arms around her old, dead friend, and Nagato followed a second later.
Goldstone is currently being projected outward from a hologram projector in your computer. Please listen to her message.
"As was mentioned by me, this story will be put on the backburner compared to the others. A second story, which will not involve direct contact with the Phoenix Corporation, may also be written, following a more standard plot, like other fics. Phoenix would also like you to know that this story, unlike others, was made, not because of the plot bunny that was running around her head, though that was a factor, but because of a lack of prominent and decent fics that were using such a premise. WE ARE NOT saying that there are no good Akatsuki Kitten or Akatsuki Come to the Real World fics. It's just that most of them kind of suck. This story also may or may not develop a plot. Part of the dialogue has also revealed something that will apply to all of Phoenix's works: she doesn't bash. She will mock them, and turn them into Butt Monkeys, and if you don't know what that is, it is not as dirty as it sounds; look it up on TvTropes. She will try to head them of before it goes too far, as she is making an attempt to do with Sasuke in this and several other fics. She will humiliate them in unheard of manners if their character does something to annoy her. But she won't bash. She may bash real world things (this really only applies to overly zealous fangirls that appear in most stories, and in real life, and things that are bashed every day by everyone and their uncle, like Twilight and Justin Bieber). Phoenix's rant about the formatting of a fic also applies, so please follow at least those parts (like the paragraph alignment and such) when you can. Fun Fact: apparently, she especially hates it when people write dialogue with a space between the quotations and the actual dialogue. It's kind of her pet peeve. If you don't like the treatment of a character please leave a comment, but leave a reason as well: what is it that doesn't sit right with you? For now, just have fun with the story, but leave a review. This is probably the only time an Author's note will be handled like this."
The hologram has been terminated.
NOTE: Story has been removed and re-uploaded because it didn't really show up the first time. Even if one went to the user page or author page or whatever it's called, it wasn't there with the other stories.