Main characters: James Diamond, Logan Mitchell
Genre: Angst, Romance
Warning: Slash Jagan, sex but nothing graphic
Summary: Sometimes to understand a lesson, it has to be taught severely.
A/N: So I really like the concept, as it was inspired by a music video Severely by FT Island. But I don't think the idea is written well... It might be a bit confusing because the point of view changes without notice. I still like it though. One of my favourite among stories I've written so far :)
I watched how the crowds surrounded the lifeless body, the number growing as the time passing. I still could not believe it. Why? How? My memories were blurred and jumbled together, making my head dizzy. When? Tears clouded my vision. It wasn't supposed to be like this…
James was playing with the sand when a boy suddenly tripped and successfully crashed the 'castle'. Being a pretty boy who believed in fairy tales, James somehow assumed that the destruction of the castle meant the princess inside wouldn't have her happily ever after thus he began to cry.
Panicked, the boy quickly apologized. He then offered to help him build a new one. James doubted the nerdy looking boy had any artistic genes, which was proven to be completely true. The new sand castle turned out plainly horrible. But James didn't mind it at all. Because while rebuilding the castle, they talked a lot and James found him to be fun to talk to. They had some things in common like fairy tales, sports, and summer. Though they were a lot different too because James preferred the tales to be read to him instead of reading it by himself, the sports to do actually instead of just watching the game in TV, and summer for the holiday not for the summer class.
James learned that eventhough they had never met before, the boy went to the same school as he did. Their classes were just at different floor and the shorter boy just never got out of his class even during recess. However since then, they decided a spot to meet at school so they could spend break time together and talk some more. They chose the vacant area just below the stairs.
"By the way, I never got to know your name. I'm Logan."
"Oh, right. I'm James. See you later, Logan."
"See you later, James."
They had their first kiss with each other, on the spot they had claimed theirs. It was after school, no one had witnessed it, they were just growing up kids who were naughty and curious. Both had enjoyed it but neither admitted so, afraid to mess their friendship up.
James started dating girls when they went to junior high school. He was pretty good looking and popular after all. Logan hated it but he said nothing to object. He wasn't going to act like a jealous boyfriend because in fact, they had never had any commitment. Maybe the kiss meant nothing to the pretty boy. However when Logan started dating a guy, James blew up.
"If it were girls, I could accept it. But not when you dated some dude. Are you gay or what? And why him? I've never even seen you talked to him before."
"Yes I'm gay so what? Are you going to hate me? And it's completely my right to date him no matter I've talked to him or not. He likes me, and for me that's enough a reason."
James answered that by kissing Logan, hard and furiously unlike their sweet chaste first kiss. Logan wanted to fight, but he was just not able to. He gave in and at ninth grade he handed James his virginity. They declared love for the first time and decided to upgrade their relationship. It was pretty much a commitment now. On the next day they broke up with their respective partner.
I closed my eyes, slowly recalling our beautiful moments. The day I met him, the day I met the one person so precious to me. The days when we were dating had been my happiest days. Was it going to be over now? Why, exactly?
Logan had graduated from his med school, now becoming a doctor. James was still a pre-debut trainee in Rocque music industry. They were busy as hell but they lived together in an apartment in Los Angeles as compensation of not having so much time together during the day.
James was home earlier that day, since he had requested it regarding to his birthday. He had also asked Logan to ditch some appointments for him. He hadn't been too sure if the doctor was willing to, but since Logan had said okay, he could care less about it.
It was pathetic that the birthday boy had to prepare for his own party. James sighed. He had bought the cake, put up some decorations on the table, even cleaned the kitchen! Now he was all tired. But Logan wasn't home yet. James glanced at the clock. He sighed again. He didn't know what was Logan's definition of going home 'earlier', since it was 7.50 PM, only ten minutes prior to normally.
James reached his cellphone, couldn't help the urge to call, but as he grabbed it the phone actually rang. A call from Logan! "Logan where are you?" James quickly whined.
"James I'm sorry―" It was enough. James knew Logan would not be home in ten minutes. "This patient's condition had been fine this morning, trust me, but her health suddenly dropped now she's dying, James! She needs me here. Please, please understand."
"But I need you too! Aren't there other doctors? It's a fucking hospital they don't have only one surgeon!" James realized he was being childish and egoistic, but he did need Logan. They hadn't had quality time together lately and this was his special day and James was just tired.
"Well there's only one who has assisted her since the first time she was diagnosed and she requested me personally so mature a little James, you're aging up today."
Tears pooled at the corner of James's eyes. Logan sounded so cold. He didn't want to hear more so he hung up. His phone rang again a few times but he ignored it. Annoyed by the tone, finally James turned the phone off. His heart was too broken at the fact that Logan never chose him over his work.
James then proceeded to bed, intending to end this birthday quickly by sleeping it off. His face was wet with tears he knew he would wake up with sore eyes. But he didn't care.
He missed a text delivered from Logan right before the phone died:
I'm so sorry, James. I love you. Happy Birthday. –L
James woke up in bed alone. He got more upset that Logan didn't even come home. How long could a surgery possibly take? Where did Logan sleep over? Why didn't Logan inform him about not coming home? Oh right, he then realized his phone was off. But still… Wait. James sniffed the air. He could faintly smell food!
He ran outside and was shocked to find his lover in the kitchen, making burgers and pasta. James wondered if he was hallucinating. Logan almost never cooked before! Kitchen duty was always his. Noting James's presence, Logan turned around.
"James... Am I forgiven?"
Logan looked so uncertain James wanted to forgive him right then and there. But then he remembered his heart break and how he had to spend the day all alone and miserable. "You think just by cooking my favourite dish in the next morning you can replace what you should have done yesterday?"
James watched how the other boy flinched and he looked as if he was on the verge of breaking. "I guess I'm not."
"It's eight o'clock, Logan. Why aren't you at work already?"
"I thought I could make it up to you by cancelling the appointments this morning."
"Well guess what? My birthday was yesterday, not this morning."
"I'm sorry for not being mature enough, Logan. I hate it when my lover always prioritised work over me."
"That's not it! She was dying, James, I couldn't leave her! James, please..."
"I need time, Logan. I want to forgive you, but because clearly I'm the immature here I'm still pissed now. I need time to clear my mind. Just go to work. Who knows if your other patients suddenly needed your help." James huffed and walked out. He tried not to see the trail of tears on Logan's face.
James ran and ran. All he wanted was to be far away from Logan as possible. Because it hurt. James still loved Logan so much it hurt to cause him pain like that. But he couldn't just forgive either. He didn't know what to do. All he wanted was to stop hurting. Tears blurred his vision. His mind was spacing out. When he finally had his focus, the truck was already two meters ahead and then he blacked out.
Shit. I remembered everything now. So that crushed body was really mine? I was dead? Ugh I didn't want to die that nasty looking. Moreover, I didn't want to die now! Not when I hadn't yet made my career and when Logan and I hadn't been in good term.
I saw a person trying to break through the crowds. When he finally succeeded, he broke down, holding my bloody shell close as he cried on its shoulder. It was Logan. My heart ached. My anger towards him evaporated to thin air as I realized I couldn't be with him anymore, as I realized the last words I said had been hateful and mean. No... I didn't want this! If I were to die, I should have done nicest things to him. I should have bid goodbyes. I should have told him "I love you" as my last words. Not like this! Just NO!
I watched how Logan desperately trying to find my heartbeat. He checked the chest, the wrist, the neck... He found none. I watched how Logan was reluctant to let go of me when the ambulance came. I watched how Logan's tears couldn't stop crying. Neither could mine, actually.
Time passed so quickly after that, I didn't know. Being a ghost was weird. It was like jumping from time to time, like seeing slides on a video. So I just witnessed how I died. Then I saw how Logan lived his life like the dead, leaving and going back into empty apartment all gloomy and expressionless. His work competencies were messed up and he ended up resigning. Then I saw Logan coming to random clubs, getting drunk, waking up with random strangers every morning.
I couldn't stand it. Why did I run away that day? Why did I have to die? I didn't want Logan's life to be ruined like this!
If only I could turn back the time... I would tell Logan how much I loved him, and I would make him promise to never waste his life for me. I would tell him that if he lived his life like this, he was killing me. If only I had known before I died...
I closed my eyes, tears falling down again.
I woke up startled.
My eyes were sticky with tears and I felt so cold, how in the world I― wait, how? I looked around, fully awakened now. I was on the bed, in the room belonged to me and Logan. Then I smelled food. How could it be? I blindly reached for my cellphone located on the bedside table. It was off. I turned it on desperately and shocked to find that the date on my phone said it was July 17, a day after my birthday. No way! That's just not possible! So it was all a dream?
I ran outside as fast as possible, almost fainted when I saw Logan there in the kitchen. Pasta and burgers. My favourite food. Exactly like the one I saw in my dream. Or maybe it wasn't a dream? Could it be a vision? Did God just grant my wish, to have known beforehand how everything would turn out after my death? Really?
If so then today was the day I died.
I was too caught up in my thoughts I didn't realize Logan had turned back. "James..." He called softly. If he asked if he was forgiven, then really, I was right. "Am I forgiven?" I winced, both at the confirmation and the unsure tone Logan was using.
This was a second chance, right? I was allowed to change the future, right? I might have to die eventually but I wasn't going to repeat the same mistake. At least, on my last moments I could be with Logan. I wouldn't spend it arguing. It was my own selfishness after all. I didn't feel any anger at all at the moment.
So I stepped closer to him. Logan looked so regretful, how could I not notice before? "Only if you eat those with me. You're still home when it's almost eight in the morning so I assume you don't have work?" I wrapped my hands around his waist. God Logan had no idea how much I missed it.
"I want to make it up to you this morning. I'm sorry yesterday I―"
"It's okay. As long as you're here..." I couldn't help leaning forward to capture his lips. "I listen to what doctor says about being mature as I'm aging up."
"Aww good boy!" Logan patted my head lovingly, his smile lighting up my day. "Now sit down and let me finish this dish I cook specially for my very good boy."
Logan then took the cake I bought yesterday out from the freezer so we could eat it together. I let myself forget everything as I enjoyed his presence. This was a belated celebration of my birthday after all. I had every right to be happy.
After breakfast we ended up making out a little. Apparently Logan had missed me a lot too. However it soon turned heated and half panting I asked, "Are you free all day or just this morning, Logan?"
He regretfully answered, "I had appointment at eleven. Is it okay?"
It was eight thirty. "Birthday sex?" I put on my best puppy look.
Logan smirked, eyes glinting with lust and mischievous, "Go ahead hurry claim your present."
I was honestly surprised. Logan never agreed having sex when few hours later he would go to work. But who was I to complain? Technically the last time we made love had been months ago!
My mind was pretty much blown out after that. My brain lost its function to think coherently as I could only focus on how great Logan felt, how amazing it was to be inside him, how perfect it was to hold him. When I came though, I tried my hardest not to cry. I was reminded again that it was the last time. Unsatisfied, I convinced Logan for another round and Logan surprisingly agreed again, only laughing at my horniness. If only he knew it wasn't only about physical need.
If I wasn't mistaken, I died around nine o'clock. It had passed, but maybe God was just being nice to give me extra time.
"Logan, I love you." I confessed as Logan picked up his work suit.
"Mm, I love you too." He smiled and pecked me briefly.
I waited until he was fully dressed. This was going to be the hardest thing I'd do. But I needed to do this. For his sake. For his best. "Logan..?"
"Let's break up."
I hated to see his smile faltered, replaced with utter confusion and raw pain. Maybe that was the hardest part. "Huh? James why?"
Great. I wasn't prepared with reason. I wanted to say that we had barely time together, but then Logan would only blame himself for what was next to happen. I wanted to say that it was because after this I would die so I didn't want him to mourn that much for me, so he could move on with his life instead of got drown into depression, but then Logan would call me insane.
"I'm sorry it's so sudden I just―let's just break up, Logan. It's for our best." I knew I did sound pathetic and foolish, and Logan was never one to accept such reasoning.
He looked frozen in his place, face pale, eyes dilated in disbelief. "You can't be serious. James! James wait!"
Not being able to stand it, I turned and left. I wouldn't be able to answer anything if Logan pried me. So I left, running away and then realization hit me hard. I was running when I died. I was running through this way. And that left turn over there was where the truck suddenly popped out.
My guts somehow dried up into nothingness. I was afraid to meet my death. My feet stopped running. Tears wetted my face already. Could I actually avoid death? Did I have a choice? I didn't want to run there and die. After all the goodbyes I bid Logan, I still wasn't prepared. I could never be prepared. I never wanted to leave Logan. What if I could not change the future? What if Logan would still be miserable when I left?
"I said wait! James!" I was shocked when I heard Logan's voice behind me. He wasn't supposed to be here watching me die! He should have come minutes later, right? To find my body already crushed and dead. Why was he here?
So I ran. I ran towards my destiny. I turned left and heard crash.
Except, there was no truck in front of me, no black-out, no pain.
I turned backwards and was face to face with the most terrifying sight ever. There, Logan was laying, blood drenched his body. The car which just hit him ran away, refusing to bear the responsibility. But I could care less about the damn car. I was still, failed to comprehend what just happened.
Logan? Why Logan? Why not me? It should have been me!
My tears flowed even heavier as I fell down onto the ground, gathering my lover into my arms. "Why you? Why do things turn out differently?" My heart broke. Now this, I was totally unprepared of. How could I ever live without Logan? He was my everything!
"Ain't... dead... you idiot...don't just assume things." Was I hallucinating? I pulled off to find Logan breathing hard, his eyes still closed but he was alive! "Call 911 or something James!... Unless...you do want... me dead..."
I did right as he commanded. My hand was shaking as I dialled the emergency. The ambulance would be here in few minutes, but I just couldn't be patient. I kept holding Logan's hand. "Shit. Please hang on, Logan. Don't die on me! I can't."
"I'm sorry okay? I'm not breaking up with you. So you have to be okay."
"Of course... You've got a ton of explanation... James."
"I know. And you're gonna listen to it so be okay."
The ambulance came a while later to take the boy into emergency unit, and I tagged along. I just couldn't leave Logan like this.
It was ten thirty. Logan had an appointment at eleven, in the same hospital. It was ironic that he did go to his work place, just as different role, a patient instead of a doctor.
I was thoroughly relieved when the doctors said that Logan didn't have any fatal injuries, just scratches and treatable broken bones. He was already moved to normal room that afternoon.
One of the doctors said that Logan had requested me. So here I was, in front of Logan's room. Honestly I had no idea how to face him. One, I didn't know if I should explain about the vision I had, about the future I was trying to alter. Second, I was afraid Logan didn't want to take me back.
Sighing, I came inside.
I flinched seeing the bandages covered Logan's limbs and how his left leg was hung up for being broken. His face had some scratches and bruises too for hitting the road. It had been my fault...
To my surprise, Logan smiled as he saw me and ordered me to sit next to him. He initiated to talk, "So I heard you mumbling about 'why you' and 'why things turn differently'." I blinked, not expecting Logan to be straight forward like that. I opened my mouth to answer but he shushed me down. "It might be a dream. I saw you dead in my dream."
"I came home late and you were already asleep. While in the morning, I had to go to work. You woke up to see me all dressed, ready for work. We had big argument. I asked you to understand my job. You asked me to understand you. Then at some point you couldn't stand me anymore. You left after saying how you hated a lover who prioritised work over you..."
I frowned. It was not exactly like what I saw. But I let him continue his story. "I thought of just letting you cool off. But at the end I chased over you. Then I saw the crowds, murmuring something about an accident. Panicked, I broke into the mass then I found you there, lifeless and cold. It was like a horror, James. I felt as if the world was falling down. Everyday I had to live without you, going to work then come home into empty apartment. It was killing me inside so I prayed. I prayed to God so I could turn back the time. I shouldn't have been so workaholic. I should have made up for your birthday on the next morning. Then I woke up beside you. The calendar said it was July 17, I knew my wish had been granted. So I got up and decided to cook for you. After a while you woke up, hugged and kissed me, and you know what happened next." Logan smiled. "That's what I went through. I don't know it's a dream or a reality which has been altered now we're given a second chance."
I couldn't believe it. So Logan saw the similar dream? How's it possible? It was like magical! I told Logan my story too, how I acted in the dream, how I became a wandering ghost and hurting everytime I saw Logan in pain, how I wished the same and was granted. Logan was a bit surprised at the different perspective, as he previously thought it was all his fault alone.
"Nope. I was as guilty. I demanded too much when in fact I should have been grateful enough I have you with me, alive. I'm sorry," I confessed.
"No, I'm sorry. I should have appreciated you more as well. I'm nothing without you."
"I guess we're both forgiven?" I connected our hands, filling the empty rows between our fingers. "Logan Mitchell, will you take me back? I kind of broke up with you earlier, stupidest thing I've done."
I moved closer to press a kiss on his forehead, to his cheek, then finally on his lips. "I love you. So much."
"Love you too. As much."
Neither Logan nor I understood why and how this happened. But Logan was being wise and simple. He said maybe this had to be done to make us realize how important our relationship was. The lesson was taught in a severe way indeed, but then we got to know how we could not make it without each other.
Logan was a doctor and I would soon debut. We were busy as hell but since that, we always stored some time dedicated to each other. That vision being a dream or failed reality could be ignored. The important thing was: we both decided not to take this second chance for granted.