A Logical Solution
A Star Trek: Deep Space Nine oneshot by Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fanwork of prose. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
An alternate take on the episode "Looking for par'Mach in All the Wrong Places".
It wasn't like Keiko O'Brien to pry into her husband's privacy-Well, not usually. She wasn't some insecure housewife who couldn't trust him. They lived mostly apart for almost a year! And they'd trusted each other.
But some things went beyond the standard difficulties of marriage. Things like Kira Nerys.
Keiko loved the woman, she really did! But she was acting so stiff, so nervous around Miles!
And Miles himself in the past few days had been acting standoffish as well. Before, he'd been happy to give Kira (The Woman Carrying their Child, Miles Edward O'Brien) a backrub or help her out of the tub. But he hadn't been offering and she hadn't been taking.
They were acting so... Strange...
Keiko could have kicked herself. It was incredibly obvious, all things considered. After all, she remembered how she was when she was pregnant, so full of hormones. And Miles, poor Miles, he really was a trooper all things considered.
It was like the universe wanted to punish him sometimes. Well! She was a modern, twenty fourth century wife. She knew just what to do.
She stood up from her seat at the Replimat and headed off for the Bajoran temple on the Promenade, to ask a few questions...
- - - - -
Kira entered her now shared quarters with the O'Briens, her eyes scanning the room for anyone within with the same precision she would for a Cardassian sentry mine.
"Oh! Miles, uh... Hi," she said. The Starfleet engineer coughed and smiled, more than a little awkwardly.
"Hi," he said.
"She called you too?" Kira asked nervously, slowly sitting down on the couch across from him. He had made to help her down, but a look from the major made him back off. He nodded.
"Yeah. She said we needed to talk." He winced. "Without Molly."
Kira grimaced herself. "Oh..."
"Now, she's probably just... Going to announce something," O'Brien said. "Like, I don't know..."
"Another long trip to Bajor?" Kira asked flatly. O'Brien looked horrified.
"God, I hope not..."
"Same," Kira said.
"I mean, it's... It's not like we've," Miles pointed to himself and to Kira, unable to get the words out. Kira nodded enthusiastically.
"Right! We haven't."
"And we're not going to," Miles pressed.
"Exactly," Kira confirmed.
The two sat in an uncomfortable silence. Miles lifted his hands up and made an unusual motion with them, sort of holding them up and moving up and down like he was paddling his kayak.
"Even if... I mean..."
"Exactly," she said again, very firmly. Miles nodded, and put his hands down.
"Right! Right. So we just say... Uh..."
There was a sigh from the bedroom door, and they both looked to see Keiko standing there, her arms crossed under her breasts.
"Keiko!" Miles said, smiling at her.
"What's all this about?" Kira asked, cautiously. Keiko sighed and shook her head, walking to stand at the coffee table in between the two of them.
"Don't think I haven't noticed," she said flatly.
"Ah, Keiko, I-I can explain," Miles immediately started, standing up.
"It's my fault, I didn't mean to," Kira shot to his defense, not standing up. Considering the weight of the baby she was carrying, this was understandable.
"Miles! Sit down," Keiko said flatly. O'Brien did so, looking guilty and confused.
"Now, from what I understand, human and Bajoran women do have some similar traits during pregnancy," Keiko began in a cool, rational manner. The same way she would deliver a lecture on the photosynthesis of a newly discovered plant. Her eyes were locked on Kira. "Such as increased hormones and mood swings and of course, a need for emotional stability."
She looked over Kira for a moment longer, and then looked to her husband.
"And of course, Miles is an attractive man, no doubt about it," Keiko said with a smile. Miles blinked, but the tension seemed to be leaving his shoulders somewhat. It was the same with Kira, though she tensed back up when Keiko's eyes returned to her.
"So! Since we're going to have to share the same living space for several more months, we're going to deal with this like normal, rational adults," Keiko said calmly.
"Absolutely," Kira said with a nod.
Miles looked relieved, and smiled at his wife with genuine love.
"I absolutely agree."
"Good! Then let's move this to the bedroom," Keiko said cheerfully.
Kira blinked rapidly, as though to make sure she was still seeing things.
"I'm... Sorry?" Miles asked.
"Or the kitchen table," Keiko continued with the same, unnerving smile. "Remember our wedding night, Miles?"
Miles looked caught between going pale as a ghost and blushing as red as a Rigellian turnip, as his jaw worked up and down. Kira just settled for bright red.
"What?" They both cried.
Keiko sighed, even as she began to undo her blouse. "Sex. Us. We have it. All of us. Now."
"But-But-Shakar-!" Kira sputtered.
"Yes! Shakar!" Miles latched onto, even as his wife continued to disrobe.
"Well Nerys, your relationship status according to Bajoran tradition is 'open for medical and healing purposes'," Keiko said calmly as she started on her pants, "and if we're going to live with any kind of peace in this household we need to relieve the tension. That covers it."
"But I-I-!" Kira tried, scooting away from Keiko who was now down to a bra and panties. Keiko locked her steely gaze on Kira.
"And if put in those terms, he'd completely understand, correct?" She pressed. Kira clenched and unclenched her fists.
"I... I..." She looked over at Miles with a "Help me!" expression. A dozen armed Jem'Hadar she could handle-This?
Miles was stone stiff, and could only offer a helpless shrug.
"I... Suppose," Kira managed.
"Keiko, are-are you feeling all right?" Miles asked urgently. "This doesn't seem-"
"And you, Miles," Keiko said sternly, "sexual tension is no good for the workplace, is that not so?"
"But-But-She's my commanding officer!" Miles protested.
"And she'll stay that way," Keiko continued, now undoing her bra. "You're professional enough to keep your emotions out of your judgement regarding her, and so is she."
"I, but that is," Kira attempted, but frankly she was a little out of her depth here.
"But-But-!" Miles tried again, desperately attempting to find something to latch onto. His wife, however, went in for the kill as she divested herself of her panties and fixed him with a deadly look.
"Miles Edward O'Brien!" She growled. "Are you saying that when your wife is offering you a threesome with the attractive woman carrying your baby you suddenly turn into a teenager?"
"Hey! I didn't agree to-Mmph?" Kira gasped into Keiko's mouth as it covered hers. The Bajoran was able to see a brief shot of Miles' shocked face before Keiko's consumed her vision and her lips hungrily.
"Mmmm..." Keiko broke the kiss just as a very guilty part of Kira was starting to enjoy it. The human woman brushed her hair out of her face, breathing hard, and looked over at her husband with a scowl.
"O'Brien, I'm waiting! Are you a man or what?" Keiko demanded.
Miles had been hit on so many fronts, his pride was left wide open. He responded, a bit uncomfortably but quite straightforwardly.
"And? What do you say when your wife wants a threesome?" Keiko demanded.
"... Thank you God almighty," Miles managed.
"Good," Keiko purred. "I'll be in the bedroom. Don't either of you take too long!" She walked through the doorway, which remained wide open. Kira and Miles looked at each other.
"... Alien possession, has got to be," Miles muttered.
"Or maybe she's just human," Kira suggested. "You're all insane to me."
"Tell me about it," Miles said darkly.
"I'm waiting!" Keiko shouted.
The two officers sighed, looked at each other, and got up to walk to their truly horrible fate.
Just a bit of silliness. Don't take it too seriously, Niners.