Greetings, internet! Mellifluousness here, failing at Minecraft and deciding to document it for your amusement and enjoyment. Yes, that means I actually did all this stuff. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Welcome to Minecraft.

Welcome to the Overworld.

Welcome to the World in Which We Fail.

You may call me Mellifluousness, simply because I don't like my Minecraft username. Believe you me- I'm terrible at the game. Documented here will be all my failures and successes- the latter probably being few and far between- in the New World, the World in Which We Fail Mark II. Yes, Mark II. I have done this before. Once again, be afraid.

I will begin my journey on a new world so that you have a chance to see how badly I fail from the beginning to- well, the End! This will be slightly dramatised for your enjoyment. Join me as I cross the Overworld in search of new things to fail in.

In three...




Switching level, generating level, simulating world for a bit, saving chunks...


I was dropped rather rudely onto dark green grass. The leaves of pine trees whispered faintly in the biting wind. And biting it was, too- I had spawned in a taiga biome! In front of me lay a hill, the "baa!"of sheep resonating from it. Before that, however, was a little iced-over pool.

Of course I spawn in a taiga biome. Of course.

I decided I'd have a look around and started forward. It turned out the pool was a river, feeding a sea that spanned nearly to the horizon. I could make out some vine-hung trees on the other side of it, silhouetted orange against the rising sun- a swamp, perhaps, or a massive jungle? I dearly hoped for the latter. I love jungles.

A walk onwards- my computer lagging because I have another program open- confirmed my suspicions. It was a jungle! A lovely great beautiful jungle! Oh, what luck! Perhaps I will venture to it once I have cut down a few trees.

Spotting a satisfactory-looking plant on the other side of the frosty river, I went to cross the ice to punch it to smithereens. It was when I ended up face-down in the deep, dark and above all freezing water that I realised that there was no ice here. Just my luck.

Cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold COLD!

I dashed out of the water and up onto the other bank, shivering in the chilly temperatures and far from helped by my wetness. Still shaking, teeth chattering, I climbed up the bank and began to punch at this lovely great pine tree. Soon the bottom two pieces of trunk were in my hands and I was standing under the tree, hitting it with its own dismembered body. I feel terrible for that now.

There was a surprising amount of wood in this tree! Perhaps spawning in the taiga had been fortuitous after all. Soon the remaining trunk was out of my reach, so I grabbed a dirt block from the hill and placed it under me- bumping my head five times, no less- so that I could get the wood.

There was another one. Of course there was another one.

I punched my dirt block out of the way and snatched another two off the side of the hill. This enabled me to acquire two more trunk blocks.

There was another one. Yes, there was still another one.

I repeated the process far more times than I should have and got out of the tree feeling rather fulfilled. I was surprised to find that I had a sapling. Ever loyal to the environment, I replaced most of the dirt back on the hillside, leaving me with one.

Baaa! A sheep was trotting around on the ice next to me. Never too early to start making a bed, is it? I chased it over the abyssal depths of the still freezing ocean and killed it with far more blows than it should have been. Dirt block in hand, I looked over the water towards the rainforest and contemplated what to do next.


I rummaged in my backpack for that ever-useful set of crafting squares and turned my wood into a whopping set of thirty-six wooden planks. Oh, the joy! I made myself a handy little crafting table and placed it across the river- submerging myself again in the freezing water- on a little ridge next to a few more trees. I then set about making an axe, not realising how utterly useless wooden axes are. It was only when I tried chopping down the tree next to me that I wondered whether this would be counted as cannibalism and whether my bare hands would work better than this useless tool.

Having finally cut down the tree with said useless implement and the help of a few dirt blocks, I burst some of its leaves out of the way and acquired an adorable little sapling. I could barely resist using baby-speak at it, cute as it was. I heard the tell-tale sploosh of something being dropped in the water and dove into the icy depths for the plant I knew would be there. The cheeky little thing didn't fly its way into my backpack until after I had hit the sandy bottom and was coming back up, of course. As a firm believer in replanting, I stuck the saplings on the hill, one in place of the older tree I had cut down and the other two in random clear spots. I was not crossing that bloody river again to plant one in place of the first tree. Looking out over the snowy fields beyond my current position, I noticed a swamp and what looked like tundra populated by the occasional swamp tree. How strange! I crafted the wood into planks and wondered what I'd do next.

I headed down to the water's edge and noticed the trickle-trickle-trickle of running water. I got into the water- much warmer here, thankfully- and tried to find its source.

There was a great, big square pit in the sand! Thinking of things I had previously learned, I decided that this could, in fact, be a dungeon open to the sky! Hmm... I decided I wouldn't go down there until I had a trusty stone sword.

I went over to my crafting table and made myself a wooden pickaxe- it was as useless as a wooden axe, of course- and went over to a block of stone I had noticed sticking out of a hillside. I mined ten cobblestone blocks and, feeling rather proud, I crafted a stone pickaxe and a nice stone sword. I hefted the weapon in my hands, knowing that it would soon be put to good use.

I was ready for action.

I advanced again to the water where the dungeon was and took a deep breath, bravely gazing down into the depths and preparing myself for battle...

And I chickened out. Chickened out like a great, fat chicken. Darn my cowardice. I looked guiltily at the hills around me as though they were reprimanding me. "Go on, you coward! Do it! When you die, you'll respawn!" they cried.

When you die. Thanks, guys, you're really encouraging.

You know what? I would take precautions! Yeah, that was what I'd do! I dashed over to the crafting table and chopped it up, proceeding to stick it in the little hole I had dug out to get stone. I made myself a nice chest and put everything I had in it except for the stone sword. I'd need that.

It was then that the lovely, soothing game music sounded from everywhere at once. I need rousing battle music, darn it, not comforting songs! Quiet, you! I said shut up! It proceeded to completely ignore me and sing happily.

Darn music.

I ran to the water and took another deep breath. I checked the time- nearly dusk. It was now or never, and this time I'd do it. I would do it! I gave a battle cry and dived, heading to the bottom of the lake...

I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnaDIE! I panicked and swam upwards, far too slow for my liking. At one point I sank back down for a second or two as though the dungeon was pulling me towards it. Finally, I surfaced, gasping for air.

Bloody coward.

Quiet, you.

You're still a coward.

Shut up.

You can't run from it forever.

I can run from it however long I please!

Yes, you can. That doesn't change the fact that you're a coward.


Yeah, I thought so.

Meet my conscience.

Nice to meet you.

Quiet, you.

I checked the time again- even closer to night. I needed to find a couple more sheep and make a bed before nightfall. I did not want to spend the entire night twiddling my thumbs and waiting for death to come marching through the door.

Now you're a procrastinating coward.

I did not say anything to that, instead choosing to jump up the hill and look for sheep. I noticed a sapling perched on a floating block of leaves. Punch, grab, plant. Simple. I crossed the river, the temperature of which had not improved during the day, and ascended the hill to find the woolly animals.I wandered through the trees, sword comfortably in hand, hoping to hear a friendly baa. I did.

This was a flock of about five or so of them. I proceeded to brutally murder three. I already had one block of wool, but one of the sheep had refused to yield its fur. Stupid animal.

Says you.

Shut up already!

One of the remaining sheep looked at me fearfully, pleading with its hilariously crossed eyes, please don't kill me. I wasn't going to, though, as I had what I wanted. I found my way back to my hidey-hole in the hill in the growing darkness and dashed inside, crafting myself a bed from the materials I had in my chest. I mined four more blocks away from the wall and placed my bed down there. It was then that I noticed my two-block-high doorway that was very much lacking in the door department. Very, very dangerous. I rummaged in the chest and took the single dirt block I had left, blocking the upper half of the doorway with it. Now nothing could get through except the bloodthirsty wolves that frequently spawned in taiga biomes.

Nice life you got there. I'm counting down the seconds until you lose it.

Thanks. Really reassuring.

You're welcome.

I was being sarcastic!

I wasn't.

I sighed and decided I ought to go to sleep before it got too dark.

"You can only sleep at night."

What? It is night, you stupid little... I looked out of the little gap in my door. It was still too bright outside for monsters to spawn.

I didn't want to get any closer to those light levels.

Because you're a coward.

How many times do I have to tell you to shut up?

As many as you want. I'm not going to.

I looked out the "window" to see that it was, in fact, quite bright outside. I watched the squids spinning happily in the water next to the swamp, carefree little things that they are. They didn't have to worry about being brutally murdered at nightfall.

What, in the same way that you brutally murdered those sheep?

Quiet, you.

I tried jumping a few times to relieve the slight boredom. My little hidey-hole currently was only two blocks high, so it was rather amusing. And painful. More painful than amusing, really.

Noticing the growing dusk, I turned to my bed and tried clicking on it a few times.

"You can only sleep at only sleep at only sleep at only sleep at only sleep at only sleep at night."

Stupid bed.

It was getting really, really dark outside now. Let me sleep let me sleep let me sleep let me sleep...

Finally, I was lying down in the bed and my eyes were closing as sleep overcame me.

Goodnight, Minecraft...

Goodnight, coward.

Quiet, you.