Burt had offered to drive him, but Kurt just took the directions to the new rehab and told his father he preferred to do this alone.
Driving on autopilot, his mind playing out various ways this could go, some sweet and loving, some tragic to the point of being Shakespearian. He didn't realize how out of it he was until he tasted blood and realized he'd bitten straight through his bottom lip.
He stopped at the desk and checked in, relieved to finally be able to use his own name when going to see his boyfriend, his boyfriend for now. He almost wished he'd stayed in NY, stayed as far away from this moment as he could because it was entirely possible that the best thing that had happened to him in a long time was about to crush him to dust.
He knocked on Blaine's door but pushed it open as he did. The room was empty. A passing nurse saw his confusion and nodded her head down the hall, "He's in with Dr. Sparks. You Kurt?"
"How did you know?"
"Your picture's on his nightstand. I think the doctor might be okay with you stopping in. Let me just check okay?"
"Sure." He fidgeted in the hallway, unsure if he wanted to be invited into one of Blaine's sessions. If it was physical therapy he was interrupting that would be fine, if Blaine wasn't angry at him, which he was. Any other kind of therapy might just mean that he was raw and defensive and Kurt's presence could make things worse.
The nurse came out with a smile, "Dr. Sparks says you should come right in."
"Did Blaine say it was okay?" he hated how hopeful his voice sounded.
The nurse had a practiced look of sympathy. "I spoke to the doctor privately, in case he thought it best you not see Blaine."
"Just go on in honey, it might not be easy, but it's better to do it with the doctor there."
Kurt thanked her with a tiny smile and knocked at the door, waiting for the doctor to call to him before turning the knob.
Blaine sat with his back to the door, facing the doctor, not bothering to turn and see who was entering. Kurt wondered if the doctor had prepared him but apparently not.
"Blaine someone is here to see you."
Without turning around Blaine spoke, his voice flat, "Not today Dad, okay?"
It took a moment for Kurt to find his voice, "Blaine?" He looked good, better than he'd looked in a while. His hair wasn't gelled so much but it was cut, and neatly styled. He was dressed and wearing shoes which was a first since the accident. The only hint that he'd been hurt was a pair of crutches on the floor next to his chair.
Blaine turned, starting to rise in his chair but then settling back. His face was a flash of emotions, first joy, then anger, then indifference, but Kurt was positive he'd seen joy in there before Blaine reminded himself to be upset. "Kurt. What are you doing here?"
Kurt walked to where Blaine sat and took his hand, "I couldn't stay away, not with you in trouble and so angry."
Blaine removed his hand from Kurt's easily and addressed the doctor, "Did you tell him to come?"
"No, Blaine, I didn't. I didn't know he was coming until Lorraine came in just now to tell me. Do you want a moment alone with Kurt?"
"For what? So I can tell him things he can turn against me? Give him more ammunition to arm my father behind my back? No, thank you."
What upset Kurt most wasn't the words Blaine said, he had prepared himself for this, but he'd expected emotion, anger, hurt, something. Instead the words were flat, simple statement of fact. No heat. No anything.
"Do you want me to ask him to leave?" the doctor stayed equally non-committal.
Kurt felt as if he'd walked into the filming of a new Stepford Wives. He watched, mystified as Blaine gave the one reaction he hadn't prepared for. He shrugged. He was completely indifferent to Kurt's presence and that hurt more than anything else could have.
The doctor looked to Kurt. "You're welcome to have a seat next to Blaine. There are a few rules in this room; Blaine would you like to share the rules with Kurt so he's on the same page?"
He didn't turn to face him, just stated the rules by rote as if he were asked to do this as frequently as children were asked to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in school. "Always be honest. Always be fair. Accept that no one in the room, you included, is perfect or right all of the time. You may refuse to answer a question once, but the next time you are asked an honest answer will be expected. There is no judgment in this room. " Blaine sighed deeply, his shoulders lifting and falling.
Kurt wanted so badly to pull him into him, to wrap himself around Blaine and force him to feel something, even if it meant being pushed away in a rage. Instead he settled for taking Blaine's hand into his again, "Honey, please look at me."
"I wish you wouldn't do that." Blaine's jaw set.
"Take your hand? Baby I just really want you to talk to me. Get mad at me, yell and scream at me but please let's work this out so we can get past it. I love you."
"Stop." Blaine's voice was still calm, he left his hand in Kurt's but it felt more like he couldn't be bothered to remove it.
Dr. Sparks sat back in his chair, "What is it you object to Blaine?"
"He talks to me like we can just yell at each other and I'll see reason and everything will go back to how it was."
"Blaine, tell me," Kurt's eyes welled with tears, "Tell me what you want and I'll do it. I can't lose you. I love you."
Blaine remained quiet.
Kurt stroked his cheek softly, "I shouldn't have left. I'm sorry. I won't apologize for calling your father when I realized you were in trouble, I didn't know what else to do, but I shouldn't have left you."
Blaine jerked his head away, "Stop touching me. Please. Just, stop. It doesn't matter that you left. It doesn't matter. Not everything is about you okay?"
Kurt let go of Blaine's hand and folded his own in his lap. "I'm sorry." His voice was so quiet both of the others in the room had to strain to hear him, "I don't know what to do. I just love you."
Doctor Sparks once again intervened, "Blaine, why don't you tell Kurt how you feel about him, right now."
It took so long for Blaine to speak Kurt was afraid he wouldn't. "I can't."
"Not good enough Blaine."
"I don't know." He finally turned to face Kurt, to look him in the eye, "I can't tell you how I feel about you because I don't know. Part of me wants to fling myself into your arms and kiss you until your lips are bruised because I've been so alone and afraid and I've missed you so much."
Kurt's heart contracted at he saw the love in Blaine's eyes.
"And another part of me hates you for telling my father I was an addict. It isn't just drugs I'm addicted to you know. Our families were right. You're one of my addictions and I don't think it's healthy. I think I need to stay away from all of my crutches for a while." He kicked the ones on the floor. "Except these."
"Blaine if you need time to sort all of this out, I can give you that. I want to do whatever is best for you, but does this mean you never want to see me again?"
"I don't know. That's as honest as I can be right now."
A large tear trailed down Kurt's cheek as he stood to leave.
Blaine grabbed his hand as he walked past and without looking up at him said, "I'm sorry Kurt. I don't want to hurt you; I just need to do this on my own."
Kurt stayed still, memorizing the feel of Blaine's skin against his for a moment and then whispered, "When you're ready, if you still want me, I'll be waiting. I love you Blaine. I always will."