The first time at least had a festive atmosphere.
The Yelains were a very hospitable people and they threw a party to celebrate the arrival of the Enterprise crew. They were only bringing supplies so even Jim, who never passed up a chance to party, thought it was a little excessive. Spock had agreed reluctantly to Jim's pleas to 'come down and rock out for once' which he did by sitting in a corner of the massive hall and studying the patterns of behaviour in the party goers. After about an hour Jim came over and sat down next to him holding a large chunk of what seemed to be crystal, it glowed with an inner fire and was a bright vivid blue.
"Hey Spock check this out! A random Yelain gave it to me, I think he said something about 'sharing the happiness of the night' or whatever." Jim happily passed it to him and the room went dead silent.
Both men looked up and found all the Yelains staring at them with a mixture of surprise and delight, within seconds they were surrounded by people giving them congratulatory hugs and handshakes. It wasn't until they were back on the Enterprise that Uhura had managed to stop laughing long enough to tell them that Jim had, in offering the crystal, proposed to Spock and Spock, by taking it, had accepted. Spock and Jim agreed fervently never to speak of it again.
The second time was the time they both vowed never to offer each other alien objects without identifying exactly what it's cultural significance was.
Jim was sitting in his chair examining a strange amulet thing that the Gorgiji Ambassador had given to him, the Ambassador in question was currently on the view screen and was having an animated chat with Uhura about different alien cultures around the galaxy.
"May I take a closer look at it Captain? It seems intricately detailed."
Jim nearly jumped through the outer hull of the Enterprise. Spock had done his Vulcan ninja trick and crept up on him again.
"Holy fffffff-udge Spock! Do not sneak up on me like that!" Jim gasped as he handed Spock the amulet.
"Interesting, may I ask who carved this Ambassador?" Spock turned politely to the view screen
The Ambassador turned around and stared at the amulet in Spock's hand then to Jim then back to Spock. He explained the technique used and the skill of their master craftswoman and then added
"And..er the phrase escapes me…..ah yes! Many felicitations!" He smiled and turned back to Uhura.
Jim and Spock looked at each other, Jim shrugged and said
"You can take it back to your station to study further if you want."
Spock nodded and returned to his post. About five minutes later a lull in the general noise of the Bridge allowed this snippet of information to be heard by Spock and Jim
"Ah! That is most intriguing Miss Uhura, the Haleuogeo seem to have a similar manner of proposal to ours. In our case the amulet is quite simply handed over to the loved individual…well I guess you just saw it didn't you!" He chuckled
Uhura looked confused "Er…. sorry? I haven't had the pleasure of witnessing a Gorgiji style wedding."
"True it usually has more fanfare but your Captain and your First officer just got married!" The Ambassador sounded like he couldn't believe Uhura could be so dense as to miss it.
Jim's jaw dropped open and he stared with horror at Spock, the only thing he could think to say was "Oh no, please not again."
The third time was entirely Spock's fault.
They were on shore leave on the planet Henfabigel and most of the crew were relaxing around a huge lake of glittering purple water, they had been warned by the Henfas that bathing in it was 'ill-advised' unless they were truly 'sure' no-one had the slightest idea what that meant but decided against bathing, just in case.
Jim was chatting up a pretty Henfa girl called Terial when he saw Spock examining the plant life down by the purple lake's edge. He shook his head and excused himself from Terial, Spock was the only person he knew who could be surrounded by bikini clad hot aliens and not even have the slightest inclination to talk to them.
"C'mon Spock! Leave those stupid plants and come talk to a Henfa girl! I really don't know how you stand never having sex!" Ok, so that last part hadn't actually meant to come out of Jim's mouth. But it was Spock fault that he reacted the way he did.
Spock's head flew up and he instinctively took a step back, right into the lake. Spock's head went under and Jim panicked, the lake was clearly a lot deeper than it looked and he didn't know if Spock could actually swim. So he did the thing any concerned person would do. He jumped in after him.
As it turned out Spock couldn't swim so it had been a good idea to rescue him, however as Jim pulled a spluttering and gasping Spock from the purple lake all the Henfas ran to throw wreaths of woven grass around their necks.
Jim asked bewilderedly what was going on and was greeted with chantings of "Woven together! The strings of your love you have woven together and tied the knot!"
Spock who was clearly delirious from having inhaled to much purple water said "I am not consummating this!" right before he passed out.
Jim stood there stunned and as Dr McCoy rushed to the fallen form of Spock he yelled "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE UNIVERSE?"
The fourth wedding was entirely Uhura and Christine's fault and it happened in ISRAEL of all places.
The crew of the Enterprise were having some time on Earth because as some systems of the Enterprise needed an upgrade. Jim dragged Uhura, Christine Chapel (One of the nurses), McCoy and Spock off on a crazy trip around the world to see the 'wonderful sights' and with some protesting (from McCoy, of course) they got underway.
On the second week of their world tour they arrived in Israel, they went and saw many synagogues and read about the history of the country. When they were all safely back in their shared hotel room Christine and Uhura did a lot of ominous whispering in the corner and then proposed that they all play Truth or Dare.
About halfway through the game Uhura took out a ring from her pocket and said "Kirk, I dare you to take this ring look at Spock and say
"You are consecrated to me through this ring in accordance to the religion of Moses and Israel."
Jim looked at her weirdly and said "Ok…" he grabbed the ring stood in front of Spock and recited
"You are consecrated to me through this ring in accordance to the religion of Moses and Israel."
Spock merely raised an eyebrow but both Uhura and Christine let out screams of joy.
"YOU ARE NOW MARRIED!" Christine squealed
"Uh….yeah…no. Holding a ring doesn't actually mean….I mean usually there is a ceremony, remember?" Jim said sarcastically.
Uhura grinned wolfishly "Actually if you say those words in front of two or more witnesses you are legally married."
"Yeah right!" Jim said disbelievingly
"Yep. Right!" Christine giggled happily
Spock quickly pulled out his data pad and tapped away intently on it for a few minutes, he looked up his face rather pale and said
"Actually Captain, there is such a law. We are legally married."
"How many times have I told you to cal me Ji-waitWHAT?" Jim's girly high-pitched shriek bounced off the walls.
"This is becoming a rather disturbing habit of both of you." McCoy said from where he was lying on the floor "You get hitched far too often in my opinion."
The only blindingly witty response Jim could come up with was "Shut up Bones."
The fifth time was actually pretty sweet.
Jim had never felt so terrified in his life. The transporters were inoperable, he was stuck on a primitive planet and some psychopath had just put a spear the size of the Empire State through Spock's shoulder. Well maybe that was an overstatement but it was still pretty goddamn big.
"Seriously Spock, if you die on me I will kill you!" He said fiercely as he ripped his shirt off and wrapped it tightly around the gaping wound in Spock's shoulder.
Spock's eyes flashed in what in what seemed to be amusment "That is highly illogical, Jim."
"Oh now you call me Jim!"
The old healer looked between the two of them and said "N..now is not the t..time to h..have arguments." His voice quavered and Jim guessed he was old enough to be someone's great great grandfather.
"Can you do anything about this…injury?' Jim said, fighting not to let his voice get embarrassingly high and panicky. The old man seemed to think that Spock was some sort of god because of his ears and blood colour, but he also seemed fascinated by the fact that gods could get hurt.
"Y..yes. but y..you must l..leave the medicine h..hut while I d..do so."
"Not gonna happen." Jim crossed his arms firmly, he admired the old man for not having a complete freak out when he saw Spock's green blood but there was no way he was leaving Spock.
"The young god m…must have o…only-"
"If there is a way I can stay I'll do it."
"T..there is a ceremony b…but-"
"Do it. Now." Jim's voice was hard and icy
The old man cringed and said "Clasp hands w…with y…young g…god."
Jim did so and he saw Spock's face flush with colour for some reason. The old man bent over there joined hands and mumbled a few unintelligible words.
"Y..you can s…stay." He said grudgingly and unwrapped the bandage around Spock's shoulder.
Jim didn't let go throughout the whole process, he felt Spock's hand tighten involuntarily around his own with the old man applied some sort of paste to the wound. And when Spock let out a tiny whimper as the old man bound the injury as tightly as possible, Jim seemed to take leave of his senses and laid a hand on Spock's cheek.
"Captain! We got th' transporters working!" Scotty's voice crackled over his comm. badge.
"Thanks." He said to the old man and then wrapped his arm around Spock's shoulders, careful not to put any pressure on his injured one and half carried him out of the hut. Ignoring the old man's yells of "Are you crazy?" he got them both into the forest and out of sight.
"Scotty, two to beam directly to sickbay!"
As the transporter beam whisked them away Spock said "You do realise that we got married so you could stay in the hut?"
As they rematerialised in sickbay and Dr McCoy came sprinting over Jim grinned and Spock and said "Why am I not surprised?" and then he drew Spock into a quick hug and whispered "Don't you ever scare me like that again."
Dr McCoy didn't comment as he whisked Spock away but hid a sall smile before he began barking orders at the doctors and nurses.
And the one time they completely meant it.
"Do you Spock Greyson take James Tiberius Kirk to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Do you James Tiberius Kirk take Spock Greyson to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I absolutely do!"
Uhura stifled a giggle and saw Christine wipe away a joyful tear.
"Then I pronounce you-"
"Just so you know. I'm kissing him now." Jim said matter-of-factly and kissed Spock full on the mouth.
The occupants of the marquee in the meadow erupted into cheers and wolf-whistles.
Dr McCoy shook his head mock serious "Now Jim, you need to actually wait!"
"I am not waiting! Do you know how good this guy is at kissing?" Jim broke of the kiss and gestured towards Spock.
McCoy's eyebrows hit the canvas roof "No. Thankfully I have no idea of Spock's kissing prowess!"
"Well good!" Jim laughed and turned back to kiss Spock some more.
Spock smiled very slightly and said "I take it that this marriage actually does count."
Jim grinned "It better!" then his expression turned sly and he whispered "I wonder if you will consummate this one."
Spock's pupils dilated and his whispered back "I do believe I shall."
"Oh excellent." Jim purred and then went right back to kissing him.