"Cas? What are you doing here?" Dean asked getting up
"I heard about Sam. I am sorry." Cas replied
Dean walked over to Cas and pulled him towards Sam's bed and said, "Cas! Miracle now! Please!" the last part came out at as a plea.
"I am sorry Dean. I really can't do anything much here." CAS tilted his head towards Sam's bed as though listening for something. "Your brother has lost the will to live. He doesn't think he had any reason to live for anymore. I am sorry. I can't do much" and with that Cas melted into thin air.
Dean sat down shakily into the chair once again. What had Cas said Sam was feeling? Sam had lost the will to love? His Sammy? He had to have taught his brother better than that. How could Sammy even think such a stupid thing? How could he think there was no reason to live?
By this time Dean was yelling at Sam's unmoving form. "What the hell are you thinking? Are you mad? Freaking insane? Did you lose your mind college boy? How dare you even nurse such a thought? Don't have the will to exist? Are you mad? Did you even think once, just once what would happen to me if you dropped dead? You don't get the easy way out and you sure as hell don't get to ditch me like that just by a few injuries which are my fault.
Sammy you don't get to lose something that sure as hell doesn't belong to you. From the moment dad placed you in my hands at the age of four , hell from the day you were born , since the day I took up the job to guard you against my life , from then your life belonged to me. How dare you lose the only thing that keeps me alive, keeps me human? You don't have the damn right to ditch me. You don't. You are going to be stuck being a pain in the ass your whole life. You don't have the right. Don't you leave me now Sammy. Don't you give up in me too." at this Dean's voice wavered and he stopped unable to continue as his emotions once again rode over.
There was a fog settling all over him. He felt numb. He wondered where he was. It was too comfortable to be a graveyard. Heaven? Nah. He had made it sure he got a one way ticket to hell so where could he be? Vaguely he could feel someone squeezing his hand. But who could it be? Dean hated him and had made it clear he didn't want anything to do with him. So it couldn't be Dean. Before Sam could think anymore, the fog settled over much more heavily and he succumbed to it.
Some time later or maybe several days later or so it felt, he could feel someone's hand stroking his hair. The touch was definitely there this time. Sure that he was not imagining it; he tried to open his eyes, struggling against the fog. He could hear a voice saying something but he couldn't make out the words.
But one voice, the one he had grown up listening to all his life, cut through all the haze. "Sammy wake up. For me please."
Hearing the voice filled him with a surge of energy and he fought to open his eyelids with renewed fervor. Finally after struggling with the haze for what felt like an eternity, his eyes opened. As soon as his eyes fluttered open, his throat closed up and he started to gasp trying to dislodge the ventilator. "Leave it Sam. Its helping you." Sam heard Dean say.
Dean then pressed the buzzer and after a few moments the doctor walked in. " now Sam when I remove this I want you to cough as loudly as you can. Got it?" Sam nodded his head and coughed as loud as he could when the doctor removed the piece of machinery. His chest felt like it was on fire. His ribs screamed in protest and his sternum groaned.
Dean gently patted him on the back and eased him back onto the bed. The doctor left the room then saying something about other patients leaving the two brothers alone.
Then Dean held a glass of water at Sam's lips and he sipped the water slowly. He felt confused. Why was Dean even here? Dean shouldn't be here. Dean hated him. He didn't deserve this. Why was Dean being so caring towards him as though the last few month and hell had never happened in the first place. Was he dreaming? It didn't feel so. His dreams weren't so graphic usually. He brushed his hand against Dean's to be sure. No he wasn't dreaming.
But if he wasn't then why was Dean acting so calm and caring and loving and oh so Dean? Dean had made it clear that he didn't want any relation with Sam. Dean didn't love him so why the sudden change now? He glanced at Dean clear confusion written in his eyes. He opened his mouth to ask but Dean just stroked his head and said "ssh. Sammy. You just woke up. You need to rest" when Dean said that Sam travelled back a good 15 years when he had got hurt for the first time in a hunt and he had been hospitalized the Same as now.
It was then that Dean had whispered these same words to him stroking his hair now. Nostalgia filled him deeply and he had to keep the tears from flowing. How easy things used to be before. How loving their relationship was unlike the screwed one they carried now. He held back the tears not wanting to bring the pain out now. His brother was still stroking his hair and Sam let himself be carried away by the warm fuzzy feeling that came with it. His heart filled with a renewed hope and he began to enjoy Dean's careful ministrations. He looked at Dean, glad to see something other than the hate and indifference in his brother's eyes. Now all he saw was love and fierce protection, all of the hate washed away.
It felt like a bazillion years since he had felt his brother's love. He remembered when his brother had left him on the downstairs trip and remembered longing for that love. Even after Dean had come back, the same level of love and adoration was clearly absent. Finally achieving what he had longed and pined for, for a really long time forced the tears he had been holding back past his floodgates. With tear filled eyes, he glanced at Dean. Seeing Sam reduced to tears sent Dean on a full scale panic trip. "Sam! Sam! What's wrong? Tell me where it hurts Sammy. Please talk to me Sammy."
Sam's eyes closed in sweet remembrance. It had been so long since his brother had called him that. His heart ached in pain and relief. He had never thought he would miss the nickname. But he had been wrong. The name was a form of love and adoration. It was another way of saying ' I love you'. When Dean had stopped saying it, his heart had cried so much. It meant Dean didn't love him anymore and the loss of love burnt his heart.
So many tears he had shed over it and now hearing what he always wanted to brought intense relief and tears. "Say it again" Sam said opening his eyes.
"Say what again?" Dean asked, confusion etched on his face.
"My name. Please. Say my name again please."
"Sammy?" god! Sam closed his eyes again. It had been so long.
Sweet relief filled his being. He had missed it so much. Sam opened his eyes and said , "it had been so long you called me Sammy, that I just became surprised that's all. It's nice to hear." Now that was an understatement!
ah! Gods! He had been such an idiot. How could he have denied his brother the simple pleasure also? He hadn't realized that he had stopped saying Sammy till the loss became apparent. He had to be the worst big brother in history. Dean looked back at Sammy guilt written in his eyes. Before he could voice his apology, Sam asked, "so how long am I stuck here?"
"I don't know but thank god you woke up Sammy. This hospital has to be the most boring one we have been to yet. Not a single hot nurse. Not a single decent TV channel. Horrible. Now thanks to you I have at least Sasquatch for company" Sam laughed lightly and it was good to hear. Sam sighed. So long this playful banter had been missing. He had missed it somehow.
Just then the doctor walked in. "well Mr. Wesson. I can say I have never been gladder to see a patient wake up. Your brother nearly killed himself with worry. He also threatened to murder most of our nurses and me of course constantly demanding when you would wake up. He hasn't eaten or slept since the day you fell into that bed no matter how many nurses forced him. I gotta admit. I am jealous of you. That amount of love and devotion your brother has for you is astounding. So now that you have finally woken up I think rest and food is in order for the two of you. Dean you are welcome to use the other bed. I will send a nurse in with the food but first Sam tell me how are you feeling?"
" Like my insides have been frozen, then micro waved my chest hurts and my ribs feel like jelly. Any of that add up?" Sam asked. The doctor smiled. "You should be out in about a week. We have to keep you monitored for now as you just swam out of coma. You have three broken ribs, a minor tear in the sternum and just went through a major heart surgery. So you should have some trouble breathing. You are lucky you got here in time. A few more minutes and we would have been in trouble."
Dean's eyes slipped to the ground. Guilt came heavy and strong now and he fought to reign in control. Sam glanced at his brother, noting his tense posture and then back at to. "Lucky for you to have such brother." the doc continued and smiled "I will send the nurse in now and Dean" he said sternly "get some rest. Your brother isn't leaving you anytime soon." Dean blushed and nodded. Leave it to old nosy docs to eavesdrop on them. The door closed and Dean sank into the chair next to Sam.
The doctor's words rang loud and clear in his ears. A few more minutes and he would have lost Sammy forever. It was his entire fault that Sammy was in the damn bed in the first place. He was damned. He nearly lost his brother just because of a few issues they had. He had come close to losing his only family and the fact shook him to his very core. Tears flowed unbidden. Sam would never forgive him for this. He had hurt his brother deeply. He wouldn't be surprised if Sam didn't so much as talk or look at him for the rest of his life. He had pushed away his only family. He had torn their relationship and nearly bought Sam a ride with death. He screwed everything up. Sam would never forgive him for this.
Just then Sam shook his hand and said, "hey forget it. It didn't happen. I am still alive so-" whatever Sam was about to say was interrupted as the nurse walked in with food and that took space for all conversation away.
A/N guys please please review! It makes my day! N thanks to all who reviewed the previous chapter and added this story to their list of favorites and added me also as a fav author! N luvv u all who reviewed! Thanks !