Title: Five unusual injuries
Author: Shenandoah Risu
Content Flags: Embarrassing ailments.
Spoilers: late season 2
Characters: Tamara Johansen, Eli Wallace, Vanessa James, Varro, Chloe Armstrong, Ronald Greer
Word Count: 1,676
Summary: "Of course you're going to die."
Author's Notes: Written for prompt #142 at the LJ Comm sg1_five_things.
Disclaimer: I don't own SGU. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Now, Young... Young I'd know what to do with. ;-)
Thanks for reading! Feedback = Love. ;-)


Five unusual injuries

Every once in a while TJ gets a difficult case in the infirmary; from traumatic brain injuries to bone-exposing lacerations to failed kidneys – she's seen it all. The majority of her days consist of mundane ailments: paper cuts that won't stop bleeding, sprained ankles, headaches, menstrual pains, blisters on heels or toes and plenty of upset stomachs. Occasionally, though, she has a day when a series of head-scratchers comes along, and sometimes the stories behind them – usually told after swearing her to secrecy – are even more interesting than the injuries themselves.

"I cut myself," Eli wails. "TJ, I'm going to die!"

TJ sighs. "Of course you're going to die, Eli."

"Oh no… how much time do I have?"

"We're all going to die some day. Where is your cut?"

Eli jerks a thumb over his shoulder. "Back there. Between my shoulder blades. Oh, man, ow ow ow ow…"

"Let me see."

Eli strips his hoodie off.

"I can't see any blood," TJ peers at his back while putting on a set of gloves. "Take your shirt off."

Eli pales. "Can't you, like, fix me up like this?"

"No. Lose the threads."

Eli removes his t-shirt at a snail's pace. TJ shakes her head.

"Let's take a look."

There isn't a single drop of blood to be seen, but after the incident with the alien ticks TJ isn't taking any chances. Finally she notices a small bump and pulls up a light.

"Eli? How did you end up with a splinter between your shoulder blades?"

"A splinter?"

"Yes. Hold still." And she quickly grasps the offending object with a set of tweezers and pulls it out. Eli's scream echoes down the hallway and she sighs inwardly.

"Spill," she says, as she shows him the splinter.

"Well… I was walking by the storage room with the wooden crates, and I had this itch on my back, so I made like an elephant and rubbed up against one."

"Good enough for me," TJ nods and applies a droplet of alien squid venom to prevent an infection.

The speed with which Eli puts his clothes back on is astounding. "Thanks," he says, gives her a quick peck on the cheek and runs off.


Moments later Vanessa rounds the corner, wobbling slightly on her legs and steadying herself with one hand on the wall, holding a big bloody rag against her nose.

"What'd you do wid hib," she motions at Eli's quick retreat.

TJ just smiles and points at her: "Or rather, what did you do?"

Vanessa rolls her eyes and quickly sits down. "I dink I broge by node," comes her muffled reply.

"You get into a fight?" TJ changes her gloves.

"Nobe…" she shakes her head and promptly passes out.

TJ settles her limp-as-a-cooked-noodle friend on one of the exam beds and raises her legs and head, and after a minute Vanessa comes around, looking rather sheepishly at her.

"What happened?" She hands her an ice pack and Vanessa carefully applies it to her swollen nose.

"Varro ad I were ad de still, ad he tode a joke, ad I laughed sho hard I hit by head on de wall, ad id bounthed back on de table. Hit by node."

TJ smiles. "Let me see if it's cracked."

She gently touches her friend's face.

"It's swollen, for sure, but I don't think it's broken. Keep the ice on it, though, so it won't get any worse."

Vanessa nods and snorts in a labored breath. "Dab," she mutters. "Jud what I deeded."

"Varro wouldn't come with you?"

"He waddet to. I tode him I'd break hid node, too, if he cabe along to hode by hand."

TJ nods gravely. "All right. Wanna rest here for a bit?"

"Nobe. I'b gonna go to by roob ad dake a dap."

TJ hands her a bag of tea leaves and another ice pack. Vanessa gets up.

"Danksh, DJ."

TJ sighs and puts the rag into her soaking bucket – they can't afford to waste any cloth on Destiny.


"Umm, TJ?"

It's Varro.

"Yes, Vanessa was here, no, nothing's broken, yes, she's resting in her quarters," TJ rattles off.

Varro closes the hatch.

"Glad to hear it, but that's not why I'm here."


"Yeah… she and I were having a little fun, over by the water tanks…"

TJ raises her eyebrows.

"It's not what you think," Varro waves his hands. "There is a large supply chute in the compartment next to it… Vanessa said it reminded her of this giant playground slide."

"I've heard of it."

"So, we were trying it out. But you see, my pants don't slide so well, so it was a rough ride and now I can barely sit down." He cranes his neck towards the door before turning back towards her.

"My bottom is all red and stinging like ants now."

"OK. Let's check on that. Drop 'em."

Varro peels his ample bottom out of his leather britches and TJ nods sagely.

"You can pull 'em back up. You got rug burn."

Varro's eyes widen in horror.

"Is it infectious? Is there a cure?"

TJ has to laugh, despite herself.

"It's purely mechanical abrasion, nothing to worry about. It stings and itches and hurts like hell, I know, but it will scab over in no time. Keep it clean, keep it dry, and I'll give you some ointment."

"They're leather," Varro points at his pants, vexed but relieved. "Clean and dry is not an option."

"Okay." TJ opens a drawer and pulls out a pair of sweat pants. "You can borrow these until you heal."

Varro cocks his head. "What are they?"

"Sweat pants."

"But you said dry?"

TJ smiles. "They're worn during workouts, where you sweat a lot."

"Ah." Varro takes the proffered garment and the small bottle of oil. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

He grins at her and beats a hasty retreat.


About half an hour later Matt drops off a very pale-faced Chloe, mutters something and dashes off. Chloe looks like she's about to go into shock, so TJ ushers her onto one of the beds and gives her an ice cube to suck on.

"Good heavens, what happened?"

Chloe stares at her with big eyes.

"I hurt my boobie," she whispers.


"My left boobie. I hurt it."


"I was trying to fix this shirt… so I… I pinned these two pieces together." She motions at her chest.

"And I stuck the safety pin… I stuck it through my nipple." And she breaks into tears.

"Now I can't ever breastfeed! And I so wanted to breastfeed when I have babies!"

TJ closes the hatch. "All right, listen, Chloe. You have to worry a lot more about infection than loss of ability to breastfeed."


"Really. And since we all know you heal at the speed of light, I don't think for you that's even an issue."

"Thanks to the blue aliens."

"Yes, there you go. Now, let me put a drop of squid juice on there and see if I can't slide that pin out."

"Squid juice?"

"Venom, from the jungle planet squids."

"Oh, right." Chloe shudders, then turns her head away as TJ applies a tiny drop of the golden liquid and minutes later the pin slides out painlessly, clean and easy. TJ drops it into a bowl.

"You sure you don't want me to put in a nipple ring for you? While you have a hole there?"

Chloe thinks hard.

"Actually, I wouldn't mind. But I think Matt would hate it."

"I was just kidding."

"Oh! All right." Chloe smiles.

"Keep it-"

"Clean, dry, watch for infection. Yadda, yadda. I got it. Thanks, TJ." She holds her hand out.


"May I have the pin back?"


She's just about to call it a day when Greer shimmies into the room, carefully closing the hatch. She notices his slightly stiff gait and mentally runs through possible scenarios and how to help. Groin pull? Hernia? Urinary tract infection?

"I got a cut where the sun don't shine," Ronald growls and gingerly sits down on a bed.

TJ stares. "You wanna elaborate on that?"

Ronald looks away. "Not really."

"All right. Drop trou and let me take a look. Go behind that screen over there."

"Yes, ma'm."

And he ambles over, pulls down his pants and briefs, turns around and hops up on the bed.

Sure enough, there's a nasty bleeding gash on his scrotum.

"If you don't mind my asking…"

"I do, actually," he grunts. "But what the heck, I was shaving, okay, and I slipped and, well, I nicked myself. It's embarrassing enough as it is."

TJ carefully cleans the cut and applies some ointment to stop the bleeding.

"Am I gonna need stitches?"

"No, don't worry. Guys have a lot of blood vessels down there, for obvious reasons… so even small cuts bleed pretty badly."

"Like head wounds."

"Yeah. You know the drill…"

"Keep it clean, keep it dry, watch out for infection. Yes, ma'm."

He stands up and gets dressed.

TJ smiles. "Is it a surprise for them?"

Ronald's face melts into a delighted grin. "Yeah. You think they'll like it?"

TJ nods. "I know Lisa will. I'm not sure about Dale."

Ronald sighs. "Dale was the one who complained. Apparently my hair is too wiry. A Brillo pad was mentioned."

"Well, you look very nice and smooth now. Just be careful with the cut. Maybe take it easy tonight."

And she has seen it often enough to notice the blush on his dark cheeks.

"No promises there."

"Okay. Try watching. That could be fun, too."

"We'll think of something." He pulls himself together, and his momentary mushiness about his two lovers is replaced by his usual confident self.

"Thank you."

TJ smiles. "You're welcome."

And as she enters the visit in her log she can't help but envy Lisa a tiny little bit. But maybe she'll go visit Colonel Young this evening and check on his latest injury.

Certain house visits are her favorite part of the job.



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