The Relationship Convention

SCENE ONE: Eddie's apartment. There is a stack of board games and two 2-liters of soda on the coffee table. A pile of mail is scattered on the kitchen counter. She takes it all, and after a quick scan, drops it in the trashcan, dropping one on the floor without noticing. She then works on tidying up here and there. There's a knock on the door. She opens it, and LEONARD, HOWARD, RAJESH, and SHELDON enter.

HOWARD: Come on, gang, let's get this par-tay on! (busts some robotic dance moves)

EDDIE: (staring with a wince) What are you doing?

HOWARD: My par-tay dance moves.

EDDIE: …right. I mean what are you guys doing here?

LEONARD: It's Anything-Can-Happen Thursday!

HOWARD: (in robotic voice to match the movements) My sensors detect an awesome par-tay in the vicinity.

EDDIE: (staring at him strangely) Seriously, what is with you today?

(HOWARD loosens up from his robot stance and awkwardly shrugs)

LEONARD: We thought we'd go out to a club tonight, and thought we'd pick you up on the way. Not pick you up…I mean take you with us. We're not…"picking you up". I mean, I have a girlfriend….

HOWARD: (to EDDIE) I'll pick you up.

EDDIE: (holds up her hand to shield herself from Howard's face) Hang on a sec, "we"? "Club"? And Sheldon's part of the "we"?

SHELDON: Yes, unfortunately so.

LEONARD: We owe it all to Raj. (to RAJESH) You want to do the honors?

RAJESH: (is muted by Eddie, but busting with a grin; he finally laughs) It was so awesome!

EDDIE: (rapt, she puts on her sweatshirt and wears the hood) Yes! Tell me, tell me! What happened? What'd he do?

RAJESH: (excitedly trying to talk through the mutism, now that Eddie looks more boyish) It…it started with…

SHELDON: If I must be humiliated once again, may I at least recount the events of this afternoon? Otherwise I may be subject to unnecessary exaggeration.

EDDIE: But Sheldon…! (pointing to Raj) He's talking!

SHELDON: Are you telling me that the choice between listening to a true account of events and listening to an incoherent and inaccurate account hinges on rarity of speech, not on quality?

EDDIE: No, I didn't say that, of course not. (beat) I inferred it. Go on, Raj.

HOWARD: (to Sheldon) Pwned!

RAJESH: (trying not to fixate on Eddie while talking) The…the Co-Worker Agreement…he broke it!

EDDIE: (dramatic gasp) No! Serious? What'd he do?

RAJESH: I…He… (the nervousness of his mutism takes over again, and he giggles instead)

EDDIE: O-kay, we've lost him. Fine, Sheldon, your turn.

SHELDON: Thank you. Now, the Co-Worker Agreement clearly states that, while in the office, Koothrappali is not allowed to speak Hindi. Mind you, that is not based on discrimination, but based on what experience has proven to me.

EDDIE: Which is what?

SHELDON: That when people speak foreign languages around me, it's to insult me. Those who insult me thus assume that I don't know what they're saying, and while this is not true with common words such as "caca" and the poorly translated "el nerdo", it is true with Hindi.

EDDIE: Alright, go on.

SHELDON: And so when Koothrappali answered his ringing cellphone and proceeded to speak in Hindi, I assumed he was speaking about me. He did glance my way after answering the phone.

HOWARD: Yeah, brilliant deduction, Holmes. (laughs)

EDDIE: (scolding) Oh, Sheldon, you know what they say happens when you assume.

SHELDON: What do they say?

LEONARD: You make an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

SHELDON: (thinks for a moment) Oh, clever. And, alas, quite true. No sooner did he begin speaking the language of his homeland than I told him to "stop that jibber-jabber and get back to work".

EDDIE: "Jibber-jabber"?

SHELDON: I thought he was insulting me. I was annoyed. But then…apparently the person he was speaking to heard what I said, became very upset, and hung up.

EDDIE: Who was on the phone?

SHELDON: I can't say.

RAJESH: (angry) It was my grandma!

EDDIE: (dramatic gasp, laughing slightly) No! Sheldon Lee Cooper insulted someone's mee-maw?

RAJESH: I had to spend the rest of the afternoon on the phone with my parents and my grandma, trying to explain how Sheldon is a doo-doo head!

SHELDON: I'll admit to the error of my ways and to my shame, but I believe that kind of language is uncalled for.

RAJESH: (calming down) But, anyway, since he did that, I… (mutism takes over again, and he pretends to be distracted by Grizzy, who just jumped onto the sofa; he crosses to pet her)

SHELDON: Needless to say, I allowed myself to be subject to the repercussions outlined in the Co-Worker Agreement.

EDDIE: And what are those exactly?

SHELDON: I'd rather not say. He was angry that day that he wrote it out.

HOWARD: If I remember, it was something along the lines of, "If Sheldon breaks a rule, he has to not act douchey for one 24-hour period".

SHELDON: And as I am not an authority on popular slang, I am at the unwitting mercy of those who consider themselves to be so.

EDDIE: I'm pretty sure Raj could've told that same story in half the time. (suddenly looks at her watch) Oh, crap! Look, you guys gotta head out without me, I've got plans.

(LEONARD notices the fallen piece of mail, picks it up, and looks it over)

HOWARD: Are you kidding? Cancel them! We're taking Sheldon to a nightclub!

EDDIE: So get videos on your phone, alright, but I really can't go. (starts to round them up and push them toward the door) Come on, head out, move along!

(cut to the hallway outside the apartment, where all four guys are, Eddie's door shutting behind them)

HOWARD: What can she possibly have planned that's better than Sheldon at a nightclub?

LEONARD: Guys, look at this… (showing them the mail) Eddie's been invited to the Long Beach Comic Con, fully comped, to appear in the Artist Alley!

HOWARD: What?

SHELDON: Granted, not as exciting as the San Diego Comic Con.

LEONARD: So you don't want to go?

SHELDON: Don't be ridiculous, I never miss a con, Long Beach or San Diego.

RAJESH: This is so awesome, we're going to have connections to a professional artist at a comic con!

LEONARD: We should order our tickets now, and coordinate costume ideas!

HOWARD: Gentlemen, let's get our con par-tay on!

(the three of them walk out of the shot, leaving SHELDON alone for a moment)

SHELDON: Thank god! If it weren't for some misplaced mail, I'd be "whoopin' it up" at a nightclub.

(cut back to the guys, whom SHELDON has caught up with; as they're discussing ideas for the con, they run into PENNY, who's carrying a grocery bag)

PENNY: Oh. Hi, guys!

LEONARD: Hi, Penny!

(awkward silence)

PENNY: Well, see you later! (awkwardly gives Leonard a kiss on the cheek and heads up the stairs)

RAJESH: That explains Eddie's plans.

HOWARD: (to Leonard) You two still acting weird since the epically failed attempt to live together?

LEONARD: Kinda, but I'm sure it'll blow over.

SHELDON: Good lord, not this again. Can we please return to the more important topic at hand? (beat) Now, are we cosplaying as a group or as individuals?

(the other guys pitch in opinions as they leave the building; fade to title segment)