MY TWELVE DAYS IN STALAG THIRTEEN By smithcrafter

Disclaimer: "The Twelve Days After Christmas" was written by Frederick Silver. I have no idea who owns the rights to the original song: not me, though. I have no intention of making money from this . My parody is written for enjoyment only. I would like to thank Mr Silver, though, for one of the most enjoyable pieces of music I've ever sung!

My Twelve Days in Stalag Thirteen

On the first day I was in Stalag Thirteen,

Hochstetter and I had a fight.

And so I blew up his new staff car,

And burned it just for spite.

Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted Gestapo man

Right in his big fat derriere.

...

On my second day at Stalag Thirteen,

Newkirk put on old woolen gloves

And very gently opened the safe

Of our 'beloved' kommandant,

Whom the Nazis, the Nazis, the Nazis had given to us.

...

The third day I was in Stalag Thirteen,

Sergeant Schultz caught the croup.

Louie had to use Klink's caviar,

To make some French chicken (?) soup!

...

The fourth time Klink's phone line

Started to ring,

Kinch interrupted the call.

Klink never knew that the fifth one was fake.

General Kinchmeyer had completed the call.

...

The sixth day I was in Stalag Thirteen,

Klink's staff car would not even run.

Newkirk had given the distributor cap

To the local resistance group.

...

On the seventh day what a mess I made!

My men blew up the Hammelburg bridge,

That the Nazis, the Nazis, the Nazis had started to use.

...

The eighth day I was in Stalag Thirteen,

Before Hochstetter could suspect,

I bundled up…

Eight stolen blueprints,

Nine defecting scientists,

Ten captured Nazis,

Eleven refugees,

Twelve escaping allies (Well, actually…I kept one ally named Carter),

And sent them to London collect.

...

I wrote Hochstetter,

"You are through, sir,"

And I said, in so many words:

Furthermore your prisoners have all flown the coop!

...

Signed:

Ivan Kinchloe

Louis LeBeau,

Carter and Newkirk,

And Yours Truly, Colonel Robert Hogan

...

This was inspired by reading Konarciq's "A Mission That Could Not Be Done", based on the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas". My first attempt at a song-fic is based on a lesser known variant of this song titled "The Twelve Days AFTER Christmas". For those of you who've never heard this hilarious parody, I'm including the words below.

"The Twelve Days After Christmas"

(Frederick Silver)

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight.

And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite.

Then, with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,

That my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves,

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup;

I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake,

For their language was obsence .

The five gold rings were completely fake

And they turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay:

I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA.

On the seventh day what a mess I found:

All seven of the swimming swans had drowned,

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect,

I bundled up the . . .

Eight maids a-milking,

Nine pipers piping,

Ten ladies dancing,

'Leven lords a-leaping,

Twelve drummers drumming

(spoken) Well, actually I kept one of the drummers(girls)

Well, actually I kept one of the maids a-milking(boys)

And sent them back collect.

I wrote my true love, "We are through, love"

And I said in so many words,

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"

(echo of "four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves

and a partridge in a pear tree."