This is just a weird idea I had a few days ago that I had to write. Pretty strange yes, but it's not exactly something to be taken seriously...

Disclaimer: The lovely J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and as much as I wish I did, I don't…


16th August, 1996.

Hello there Voldemort (or should I say, Tom),

I can't help but notice that you seem quite taken with me. You're a rather persistent fellow, aren't you?

It's pretty pathetic really. I mean, how many times have you tried to kill me now? That's one of your many flaws- you never know a lost cause when you see one. But then again you are not exactly known for your intelligence Tom. You've tried killing me so many times now that I, quite frankly, have lost count.

Related to your intelligence or rather lack of it, the places you hid your Horcruxes. Really now? Big no-no for the Genre Savvy Dark Lord, hiding such important items that are barely keeping you tethered to this world in places that anyone who knew about your background could guess where they were… What an idiot you are! If I were a Dark Lord and wanted to mutilate my soul to create some Horcruxes, I would hide them in places difficult to get to and in objects that no one would think of! Grains of sand in the Sahara! A rock at the bottom of the ocean! An empty Firewhisky bottle IN SPACE! The possibilities are endless!

Another issue I must take up with you- your lackeys. You must have a truly terrible Wizard Resource Department because quite a few of your pathetic minions have the competence level of a possessed retarded monkey on crack. Take your favourite lieutenant Bellatrix Lestrange for example. Or is that her sanity I'm mixing things up with? Not much of a difference really...

Like I said, their competency levels are seriously lacking. How is it that six teenagers who were not fully trained at that were able to beat your supposedly skilled Death Eaters?

Death Eaters… There's a strange name for a group. Death Eaters. Kinda like naming yourself Deathstroke, Bloodstrike or Skullfire. Seriously? All the good Dark Lords have the sense to name their lackeys something more subtle and less evil sounding…

Also, your fashion sense is rather odd- at least compared to the rest of the Wizarding World. Red eyes? Why don't you try a nice brown or perhaps green would be your preference? It is after all the colour of your old House. And about your nose, you should really get a nose job done on that thing. I know a great Muggle plastic surgeon- wait, that's right. You don't have a nose… Tom, you should consider getting a nose as well as a tan and some hair since the pale, bald look doesn't suit you.

In closing, I'd just like to say that you're most pathetic excuse of a Dark Lord I have ever met. Sure you might be dangerous but compared to some fictional characters, you might as well just be Barney the Dinosaur.

Try not to do something stupid until we face off again or then, go ahead. Makes me defeating you a whole lot easier.

Until then,

Your Arch Nemesis,

Harry Potter. (Also known as the Boy-Who-Lived and The Chosen One)